Detach. Detach With Love. You’ve Got to Be Kidding!
Detach with love? You can’t be serious?! After ALL they’ve done to me — no way!
I’ve been in so many situations where my heart goes out to the wives, husbands, children and parents of loved ones with alcohol or other drug use disorders (aka alcoholism or addiction) who are brand new to this journey called “recovery.” Their deep, deep pain, anger, desperation, confusion, isolation, longing for it to be better, sadness — and in some cases, numbed silence — waxes and wanes as terms swirl through conversations.
Terms like codependent, enabler, SLE, IOP, in-patient, intensive out-patient, AlAnon, NarNon, powerless over alcohol, dual diagnosis and co-disorders are batted about as if they are words in conversations we exchange with that nice check-out clerk at the grocery store. Terms that make no sense, nor can they be viewed as applying to them because they were just trying to get their loved one to stop and now they’re just trying to get them clean and sober.
And, then, of course, there are the concepts of “detach” and “detach with love.” What the heck do these mean? “Who’s going to make sure my loved one is safe; doesn’t use; gets a job; succeeds in recovery if I detach?’” they often say.
Trying to Make Sense of Detach. Detach With Love
Detach With Love – But How?
For some, the suggestion they detach with love, is followed by their equally incredulous response, “Are you kidding? After all they’ve done to me? You are off your rocker. That’s asking way too much!”
And when you think about it, it is all too much. It feels like being told you have to learn to read, write, speak and translate German into Italian within the next month (the time-period for the typical 30-day, residential addiction treatment program) or YOU will have failed.
Understanding the meaning of these two concepts may help you get started:
Detach means to…
realize that each of us has a brain that has its own neural network wiring based on our individual experiences, thoughts, influences, genetics and the like. The only brain we can control, and therefore the only behaviors we can change, is/are our own. Therefore, we can detach from another person when we remember their brain, a brain that is not within our power to control, controls their thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Detach with love means to…
have love in your heart [which, believe it or not, originates in the brain] for another person, who may not be living their life the way you think they should or want them to, while at the same time, detaching.
In the case of detaching with love from someone with the brain disease (aka brain disorder) of severe substance use disorder (aka alcoholism or addiction), it helps to think of it as you having accepted that severe substance use disorder is a brain disease and that the behaviors exhibited while your loved one is active in their disease were/are the result of the interrelated complexities of the chemical, structural and functional brain changes of the substance abuse, risk factors and characteristics of this particular disease. Whew! That’s a mouthful, I know, but that’s how complex the development of a severe substance use disorder is.
As for this disease concept. Disease by its simplest definition is something that changes cells in a negative way. When cells are changed in a body organ, the health and function of that body organ changes. Cancer cells in the lungs, for example, causes lung cancer. The complexities of severe substance use disorders described above cause changes to cells in the brain and its communication systems which is what makes it a brain disease.
We have no problem loving a person with lung cancer, but it’s the symptoms of severe substances use disorder — namely the lying, breaking promises to stop or cut down, verbal or emotional abuse… — that can make it difficult to love the person with alcoholism/addiction. Truly accepting you cannot control that person’s brain (regardless of whether they’re using their substance of addiction but especially if they are) is a huge piece to being able to detach with love. For more on why it’s a brain disease, check out my article, “Key Information About Alcoholism” (equally applies to other drug addictions).
This is my latest book and will answer so many of the questions that readers of this post may have. It’s available at book stores, libraries, and online retailers and comes in paperback and eBook versions. Click here for the Amazon link..
For Now…
Take it slowly. And, by slowly, I mean take it just for today, and in some cases, just for just the next 5 minutes. You do not, nor can you, have all (or even 2) of the answers to what happens next. To give you a hand with this, my latest book may help.
The first half explains alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…). [Concepts equally apply to other drug use disorders.]
The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, as well as what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives. [Concepts equally apply to what happens to family members and friends of loved ones with other drug use disorders.]
And when all else fails in your efforts to detach (which it most likely will at first because this is all so new), focus on your breath and simply breathe. Breathe in; breathe out; breathe in; breathe out. For those brief moments, your mind will detach and give you the moments of much-needed peace you crave and deserve. As you learn to more fully detach, you’ll eventually be able to detach with love.
If you have questions, please feel free to email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com to arrange a free phone or Zoom call to talk through some of them.
____________________
©Lisa Frederiksen, first published 7/24/12 and revised 1/2020 and 8/23/21. Some of the comments are from earlier versions.
Lisa Frederiksen
Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)
- Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
- Resources for Parents of Children with Substance Use and Mental Disorders - October 18, 2022
- 4 Things to Support Brain Health and Function for Recovery - August 30, 2022
It is a terrible thing to grow up with alcoholics, not knowing what is going to happen. Thank you for reaching out to people in need!
Thanks so much for reading and adding your thoughts, Olga.
Growing up with alcoholics “can” be terrible. “Is” is your experience. I am an addict and ave 4 children age 4 to 18. I am dang hard to love at times but I am a beautiful person. I hated mysely and the pain addiction inflicts on families. Being good people, generally, hurting loved one’s leaves everyone with”terrible” emtional pain. An absolutely, ridiculous, solution seemed the only solution and I did attempt suicide. crying writing that. I love life. Anwho, since I had this thing let’s use it to teach. I have 3 of the most empathic, emotionally mature, introspective, accepting, moving and understanding children I know!!! I quickly shared all with them I let them see me fail and fall and then showed them its ok as long as you get up, try again, and learn from it. I’m just a bozo and sometimes my actions well,suck. My son told me he was glad I was an alcoholic because was exposed and shown what the actuons of true love and true courage look like. I wish I was better but know I’m enough and good person trying to get well. My children undertsand wholly the quote ” Success is never final, Failure is never fatal, Its Courage that counts!.
I agree with you that the only brain that we can control is our own. A lot of self inflicted pain occurs when we take responsibility for the behavior of another…because we really can’t do anything about the actions of another, even if we love them dearly.
You’re so right. Thanks for reading and adding your thoughts.
Sherie I love what you said here!! So true!!
Great post Lisa. Some real truths here. I can honestly say that had I not believed in what you wrote here “Therefore it’s okay to love the person but hate their disease.” there is no way my marriage would have survived my husband’s relapse. It is one of the few positives of being an alcoholic that I had ‘insider insight’ of the disease and was able to detach. Even then it wasn’t easy!
Thank you, Carolyn! I, agree, that concept was a huge game changer for me, as well. I had so wrapped my loved ones in their alcoholism-related drinking behaviors that I could not see the “real” them in the swirl of my feelings of anger, distrust, hurt, sadness, betrayal — feelings caused by their drinking behaviors and my lack of understanding of their diseases… I really appreciate you reading and adding your experiences.
Glad that you keep the families in mind when you write about alcoholism. I like how you mention “detach with love”, many family members feel so guilty when they can’t do anything about a loved one’s decisions.
You raise a very good point about the guilt family members feel when they can’t help a loved one. Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment.
I love what you are doing and bringing awareness and education to people new to recovery. Thanks! I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Thank you so much, Meryl! I appreciate your comment and support!!
Thanks for your great post.
Detach with love seems like something anyone would do for somebody they love 🙂
Thanks for reading and adding your comment, Tara.
Great post, Lisa. It is all so true. People throw about these terms like we can do it with the snap of our fingers. It is a process and it must be one step at a time. I am thankful that I have learned to be able to “detach with love”. It has made all the difference to my sanity and peace in my own life. I cannot help anyone if I am in constant turmoil, especially over that which is not in my control.
It is such a process… thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience. I’m so glad you found your way out!!
Hi Lisa,
I can remember when I was a new parent with an addicted child, and felt overwhelmed with the terminology and the world of recovery and addiction. This disease affects families of all kinds, no one is immune. You offer a wonderful explanation of detachment (with love) which is the first term that many parents hear when they attend support groups. It can be an experience filled with anguish, but joy can seep through with time, if we let it. Take care.
Thank you so much, Cathy, for sharing your experience. As you’ve said, the beginning is so very overwhelming — I think that’s often why families give up — they’ve been working so hard to keep it all together that this “one more BIG thing” is just too much. I only hope this helps them see that even if they take in just one or two concepts and really embrace them — they’ll see improvement for themselves.
Lisa, this is a great article. It’s hard to wrap your brain around detach or detach with love. It’s also hard for the newly recovering persona and family to set boundaries period, knowing what to own as their issue. It does clearly come down to dealing with your own issues for sure. Thanks!
You are so right, Lisa, it’s all about setting boundaries (I remember I had no idea what one was, let alone how to set it :)!)so you can deal with what’s yours and let go of what’s not. Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment!
amazing post and its how I’ve been able to love and except many people I know have a problem. Lovely advice!
Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment, Elizabeth. And, you’re right – it can work with anyone with whom we have a problem.
well it must have been the week for love and detachment, I had an article about loving with detachment and letting people be who they are. Very wise advice in this case too!
I know! I saw that, too. I loved your post, which I’m sharing here — http://www.thegiftofalifetime.net/loving-detachment/ — it’s terrific!
Gentle reminders and such wonderful advice! I think we all sometimes think if disassociation as a hate thing..I have family members that I spend little time with because of their negative impact on me. I still love them I choose not to spend time so as not to be like them 🙂
Beautifully said, Anita, “I have family members that I spend little time with because of their negative impact on me. I still love them I choose not to spend time so as not to be like them.” Talk about detaching with love! 🙂 Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment.
From the outside, Lisa, that really IS an alphabet-soup vocabulary with almost-foreign terminology. But your clear, reality-based definitions of ‘detach’ and ‘detach with love’ make so much sense that they may actually be able to pierce the emotional filter that the loved ones are applying.
Thank you so much, Sharon! I really appreciate you reading this and adding your comment.
This is such an important lesson, Lisa. When we learn that we can’t control another persons thoughts or actions, it is so much easier to let go with love. Thank you for explaining it so well.
And thank you, Helena! I very much appreciate you reading this post and adding your comment.
Great post. I can’t even imagine what it is like to live with a loved one suffering from a drug or alcohol problem. Whether it is a child, parent or spouse the confusion that must happen within your mind has to be immense. Thank you for sharing.
It really is immense and affects one in four children and over half of American adults — yet most efforts are targeted at helping the person abusing or addicted to the substance (extremely important, to be sure) but equally important is to help their loved ones, as well. Thanks for reading and adding your comment.
The concept of Attaching With Love is used in the Alanon program. It is confusing for many as it sounds good in theory but it is so difficult to do in practice! I find it helpful to not only think of it in terms of the Alcoholic/Addict in one’s life but Life in general; whether it be encountering frustrating events with work, kids, friendships, etc. Thanks for the article!
Great suggestion, Lisa – thanks so much for sharing!
our journey down this path began with our son in 2007 , he was 19 at the time. we are not new to this it these terms however soft reminders as you so respectfully and graciously write about are needed and necessary. while detachment for us has come in gradual phases we see it is necessary for both the addict and family and we wouldn’t consider detaching in any way without love! it is certainly an art form to learn but key to wellness for all. we haven’t completely mastered detaching but we practice this and get stronger and better every day. perhaps some are better at it than others. I find the most confusing part of the action involves thinking it must come from the heart and soul however if I practice this and do it only from my mind and thought process and think of my actions as empowering my addict to do for himself what he is capable if doing it allows me to disengage from that component if our relationship. I must remind myself that it is not healthy to do for others what they are capable if doing for themselves ???? thank you Lisa!
I loved this line of yours, “it is certainly an art form to learn but key to wellness for all.” I remember being so overwhelmed with this concept and the fits and starts I took – I’d do it and then I’d undo it and then do it and then undo it – it felt like it took ages to get it. But as you also wrote, “I must remind myself that it is not healthy to do for others what they are capable if doing for themselves” – that is so true, and keeping that in mind helps with detaching. Thank you so much for your comment, Debbie, and congratulations on your progress!!!
Hi,
I’m trying to learn how to detach from my alcoholic husband. Unfortunatly, it is worse on the weekends. During the week, he is very functioning and it doesn’t bother me. He works, helps with our son, pays the bills, seems fairly normal, I’m the only one who ever knows that he is ‘drunk’, besides his alcoholic mother. But without fail every single weekend there is an episode. I hate weekends. Hate them. I want to detach from weekends. Detach from that person he is on the weekends. I would like an audio book that I could listen to, on the weekends so that I could go into a peaceful place and enjoy myself without having to worry about him. I just want to plug in and let go….maybe I could start by just listening to some classical music, but I’d like something uplifting and positive. I just want to zone out.
I’m so sorry, Missy – gosh I remember those days. Something that helped me learn to detach was learning about the brain disease of alcoholism – and if it’s not fully developed into alcoholism, the brain changes (thus behavioral changes) caused by alcohol abuse. I don’t know if you’re aware of my book, If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!. It’s the book I wished I’d had way back when – it helps with this understanding, as well as what you can do to help yourself enjoy your life in spite of it all – here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/Loved-Youd-Stop-Really-Drinks/dp/0981684408 This website, http://www.hbo.com/addiction, also has wealth of information about addiction. If you’d like to contact me directly, my email is lisaf@breakingthecycles.com and my office # is 650-799-9813 (PST) – there is no charge for initial email and phone exchanges, by the way.
Lisa, thanks for your gracious help. Should I tell my wife that I am detaching with love or just do it? I know her well. She will see my detaching with love as me just trying to hurt her. I have not been mean to her but although I love her, I really can’t stand to be around her and avoid her as much as possible. I am trying to learn to “not care” but it is very frustrating when she puts forth no effort at all to seek help or help herself. She went to a few AA meetings and has never tried to help for her gambling addiction or her prescription drug problem.
Hi Butch – you’re very welcome. It’s difficult to answer you specific Q, as each situation, person in your shoes, is a bit different. But the idea behind detaching is about setting boundaries – boundaries that work for YOU. These two posts written recently will give you more information that may help with how you want to do it:
http://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/2015/01/04/setting-boundaries-with-addicted-family-members/
http://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/2015/01/11/setting-boundaries-with-addicted-family-members-you-can-live-with/
Feel free to call me at 650-362-3026 or email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com with further questions.
[…] with Love, and other articles I found these helpful 🙂 Detach. Detach With Love. You've Got to Be Kidding! – BreakingTheCycles.com About Letting Go… – BreakingTheCycles.com Codependents Have a "Brain Thing" Going […]
Growing up with immediate family members and extended family who were alcoholics all I can say is they make all around them suffer. Never met a kind alcoholic once in my life!!! My question is the school system, police, and social services rarely truly remove children from there abusive, vicious alcoholic parents, ever. In America all we hear about is how everyone wants to drink and party all the time. No one cares about young children being left alone because the parents are drunk at the bar and wont be home until four in the mourning. When they come home they are mean to there kids. We worry about problems in other countries. We blame all problems on immigrants while American parents get stoned drunk. I would rather see pot legal because alcohol is the most evil drug. Drunkenness is not a disease its a choice. All I can say is all alcoholics that are in your life detatch, no contact they are the terrors of the family. Shameless, mean and cruel they are. Stay away remove yourself from these leeches once and for all. They never change and when a person gets older there bad qualities get much worse. Expecting an alcoholic to change is hopeless. Where is the police to lock up the drunks???
I am so terribly sorry to hear how awful your experiences have been, Lora. If you’d ever like to talk about it or hear some suggestions that may help you (in spite of their drinking and drinking behaviors), please feel free to call me at 650-362-3026 (I’m in California on PST). If I don’t answer, I will call you back, and there is no charge. ~Lisa
Thank you soooo much Lisa. It’s like a ton of bricks have been lifted of my shoulders. I have been around alcohol and drugs all my life. I was told once to educate one’s self to try and cope with a problem in life that you don’t understand. I am definitely educating myself on this devastating disease, and have been for years. Your article has been so helpful to me. I’m working so hard on letting go these days, each hour at a time. Thank you, again.
You are so welcome, Connie. I’m thrilled you’ve found this article helpful. Take care, Lisa
Thank you so much for this article. I am trying to learn how to detach from my 22 year old son who is in early recovery and in the throws of a very painful girlfriend breakup which I sit on the edge of me seat daily worrying how this is going to affect his recovery, will this cause him to use, will he stop going to meetings, you name the worrisome thought I have it. I’ve been attending Al-Anon which has been a saving grace. I know I have to detach from my precious boy with love. I love him so much but am losing myself in this disease. I am addicted to my addict like my addict is addicted to the drugs and alcohol. Thank you for this informative article!
I’m so glad you’ve found this article helpful, Staci. Wishing you and your son all the best on your recovery journeys.
Thank you for writing this. I was becoming frustrated hearing about detaching with love. I felt I was failing as I was only detaching from my spouse because I had already tried the “love harder” part. How do you do both? How do you detach and still carry on as a family?
You’re welcome, Kenisha, and thanks for your comment. Your question is spot on, but the answer is too long for the Reply space. I am happy to talk with you about ideas if you want to send me an email at lisaf@breakingthecycles.com so we can schedule a phone call. In the meantime, you may want to read my book, “If You Loved Me, You’d Stop,” (available on Amazon) for some suggestions.
Saying “it was all the alcohol/drugs” is a terrible cop-out and removes ALL responsibility from the person. The user had negative personality quirks before they ever started drinking or doping. The substance just removed impulse control and made them worse! The cruel words, manipulative (especially this) tactics, deviant behavior or X negstive thing the person did was not caused by a “brain change by the substance”! The addict-offender knew what woukd wound before they ever started using. They knew exactly what to exploit.
I think intensive therapy after the substance abuse stops shoukd be required in treatment. A friend came out of rehab complaining that everyone thought everything is great because he was clean, when the problems that led him to use were still there. Those problems or negative personality traits should be adressed during and after the sober period. We know that depression often causes the addict to start using in an attempt to stop their intense pain – so why are things like narcissism, intense temper or violence also investigsted and treated? I think we do the addict as well as their loved ones a disservice because the addict will just repeat these negative behaviors as a sober person.
The substance didn’t cause the bad behavior. The potential, in many instances, was already, and still is, there.