Let It Go – Nice Saying, But How?
Let It Go – sometimes it helps to think of this as releasing the grip on a kite string
“Let It Go.” For years I couldn’t relate to this phrase. It seemed so overused, and frankly one that got my blood boiling because it sounded so overly simplistic. Yet, it’s now one of my favorite phrases. In fact on heavy stress days, I’m practically chanting, “Let it go….” So how does it work for me?
How to Let It Go
Over the course of my recovery from 40+ years of family member and friends’ alcohol abuse and/or alcoholism, I’ve come through some heavy, heavy stress days. But it’s because of the years of recovery work I’ve done (therapy, Al-Anon, research) and my newfound understanding of the science behind the codependent’s brain (see this post for more on this) that everything has changed. Between the two I am now able to keep pulling myself back to the fact that I have absolute control of what I think, and therefore, how I respond. I have absolutely NO control over another person’s brain, therefore another person’s thoughts, reactions, feelings or behaviors.
This is not to be confused with how I feel. Because let me tell you, my feelings were (and occasionally still are) ALL OVER the place – anger, sadness, frustration, rage, despair, hope, resignation, emptiness, loneliness, “why me?”, “what happened?” “haven’t I gone through enough?” “Now what?” And, my reactions?
My latest book (2019) shares examples like these and other healing concepts for family members and friends of a loved one who drinks (or uses other drugs) too much. It’s now available at book stores, libraries, and online retailers – click here for the Amazon link.
‘Back in the day,’ my reactions were NOT based on responding (explained next). They were immediate and often unproductive as they followed the wild ride of my feelings, ranging from tears to dazed walking the neighborhood streets to yelling at the walls to grinding my teeth (and, oh yea…headaches, too).
But thanks to the “new me,” today, I’m able to weather all kind of stressors, knowing that I have absolute control over what I think, therefore how I respond (again, not to be confused with how I feel).
Responses (as opposed to reactions) occur when I jar my thinking out of the Limibc System portion of my brain and move it down different neural pathways to those in the Cerebral Cortex, the thinking part of my brain. And it is when I think that I can respond with reason and clarity vs simply reacting out of an emotional response (something that occurs when stuck in neural networks in the Limbic System). To get there – to get to thinking and responding vs feeling and reacting – I use this phrase, “Let it go…” (and other reaction stoppers, like “THINK,” “HALT” and “BREATHE”) to remind myself, “I am in control and when I’m ready to respond, it’s up to me.”
To help me figure out what to do next, I talk about the problem with friends or family, go swimming, sleep, hike, rock climb, research, write about it, work, practice mindfulness — some of these activities are directed at finding a solution and some are just to take my mind off the problem. In other words, after I feel my feelings and the range of reactions they inspire, I can think things through and then “calmly” respond. Followed, of course, by “Let it go…” (releasing that kite string) to remind myself to move on – enjoy the moments – because who knows what might happen, next.
Not to Overly Simplify, But Perhaps…
“Letting go” does not mean I’ve necessarily found an easy or immediate solution or that all is well. “Letting go” is more like a clearing of my mind for that moment or period of time. It’s a reminder that I can’t solve it all at once, but I’ll do what I can, when I can, however I can. Often it can be as simple as gaining a new perspective, and with that, I leave you with the following image…
If you’d like to explore more on the idea of “Let It Go” and other reaction stoppers check out these related posts:
Lisa Frederiksen
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This is such great advice! You’re right, it’s not always easy to let go but it is certainly preferable to hanging on to hurts, etc. It’s worth the work to let things go.
Thanks so much for your comment, Ruth!! Happy holidays!
What a beautiful image, Lisa, love that perspective! Thanks for sharing your process of letting go…it was something that I struggled with at one time and I am glad to say that it has gotten so much easier. I guess that it is like learning to drive a car…it’s harder in the beginning, then gets more automatic with time!
Love your analogy, Sherie – that’s exactly what it’s like for me, as well. I appreciate your comment. Take care and enjoy your holidays!
For me undoing the physical tension of “not letting go” creates “letting go,” so I like your physical examples… swimming, hiking, rock climbing and even writing about it, which is action too.
Thanks Lisa!
Excellent point, Michael – “the physical tension of ‘not letting go’ creates ‘letting go.” Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment.
Letting go and moving past things that cause us pain can be one of the hardest things to do yet such a necessary part of healing so that better things can come into our lives. Great post. Thank you for sharing.
You are so right, Barbara… without it, we get stuck in the same old thought-loop where nothing changes. Thanks for adding your comment!
Great advice!, definitely, it’s not always easy to let go. Been through so much, I did all this also to let go things that hurt me…”To help me figure out what to do next, I talk about the problem with friends or family, go swimming, sleep, hike, rock climb,….” thanks for sharing!
Thank you for reading and adding your comment – very much appreciate the feedback.
I think our knee-jerk reaction to the phrase is that it was typically said TO us by friends and family: “Just let it go.” Which, in that case, usually meant “forget it, ignore it, don’t rise to the issue, it’s not worth it.” But that wasn’t necessarily any healthier. I like your interpretation of the phrase much better, Lisa!
Thanks so much, Sharon – and I agree, I think it was often the intent of friends of family that we just forget or ignore it, which as we know, doesn’t work either!
Brilliant post Lisa! Letting go does sound simple but it can be very difficult. I love your description here ‘doing what I can, when I can.’ That’s always been the best way for me to let go. Some things are impossible to overcome all at once. Do it little by little!
Thanks so much, Carolyn! The “little by little” approach was best for me, as well – especially in the early days and well-into the middle of it. I found it helpful if I scheduled worry time and spend an hour or so going through what all had my mind racing – put action items on a calendar and then tell myself, that’s it for today. It worked pretty well. As time’s moved on, and I’ve gotten better at letting go, that’s not as necessary.
The physicalized reaction can be a key to learning how to let go. Holding patterns in thought and emotion are accompanied by physical bracing and holding. If you can learn to recognize “that thing you do” physically, you have a choice about it. You can continue it, do it less, or stop it altogether. Funny thing about the physical and movement sense is that when you release the physical tension you open a space for the thoughts and feelings to move. It’s a way to make it safe to feel your feelings and to learn flexibility in thinking.
Emotion and motion are intertwined. We recognize our emotional feelings by the state of our physical feelings. If excess tension is halting my physical movement, my thoughts and feelings (which are part of my central nervous system), get stuck. They have no place to go so they stay locked in my body, or go running round and round in my mind. That’s where they can do some damage. Furthermore, if I’m tightening and bracing, I am trying to manufacture support inside myself, instead of accessing support from the ground and the very air I breathe. The physical stuff can become a self perpetuating cycle. It’s scary to feel unsupported, so I hang on to myself, which reduces my access to support, making me feel still less supported, so I hold even more. Without awareness, it’s possible to just go deeper and deeper into my holding and bracing patterns until I lock myself right up, and consider that a normal state of being. Trouble is, when I’m all locked up, I have little choice but to overreact, because every action has to pass through my self-imposed holding patterns. Everything I do will happen with excessive force.
In my work (which is mostly based on “non-doing”), I’ve discovered habits don’t let go without feeling safe enough to do so. I don’t go straight for the breath. I go straight for the ground to give a sense of safety and support, and then I notice the tension. I don’t ask it to open up or anything like that because that’s just another opportunity for a misguided action. I simply ask myself to stop squeezing and gripping. Guess what. If I’m not squeezing and gripping myself, I’m letting go. Then I can kick it up a notch. I invite with my breathing, whatever I need to enter on my ingoing breath and that which I don’t need to leave with my outgoing breath. And I don’t have to know what that is. Perceptions and feelings shift. That’s how I let it go.
This is fantastic, Gaynelle. I had an experience similar to what you’ve described. I went to PT for my neck, as I was in a great deal of pain but had always attributed it to the residual of a neck surgery I’d had in 2007. I was shocked to learn how much I raise and hold my shoulders to me ears. As my PT helped loosen the tightened muscles and assigned band exercises, he also helped me become aware of how I was holding myself so tightly, and as I learned in the following months, when I was under stress I’d revert back to this position, experiencing the symptoms of tingling, numbness and pain in my right arm. But with conscious effort to drop my shoulders, stretch my neck muscles and pick up a band to further stretch, I’ve found the physical relief and conscious thought about my posture helps me focus on letting go of the negative thought and emotion patterns. Your comment provides such a great explanation – thank you for sharing!
Letting go? Sometimes it’s so very hard.
I had to let go of my manic/depressive alcoholic husband. I wanted to fix him so very bad. But I couldn’t. I REALLY LOVED HIM. Thank God he did find sobriety & had 24 years sober prior to his death.
I had no intention of letting go of 34 years of drug abuse & use. But by God’s grace I did. I was just done. It was really easy for me. After 13 + years I have never found a reason to pick up & put in. Furthermore, I’ve had no desire to.
I let go of cigarettes after 35 years. My desire to live made it easier than I thought it would be.
But today……….letting go. Let’s just say I do a whole lot of writing, meditation & prayer. I used to allow others words & actions bother me. Not anymore! I refuse to allow anyone to define how my day will be.
I, alone, have control over my life. So today I choose to let go of negative. I have learned to let go of negative people…..even when I don’t always want to. When my feelings get hurt, I write about it. That allows me to let it go.
The very hardest thing to let go of is…..the crazy thoughts in my head. Some may call it, “the committee in your head” or “your stinkin thinkin”. My mind is consumed with my daughter having cancer. No matter how positive I try to be, fear & negativity creep in. So I am left powerless….almost. I still have my higher power…whom I choose to call God. So I continue to pray & ask Him to allow me to let go of those crazy thoughts.
And, for a time I am blessed with peace.
First of all, let me say how very sorry I am for what you and your daughter are going through with her cancer… I can’t even imagine, Sandi. I thought what you said about the moments of peace you have with prayer was beautiful and I’m so glad you have that. And then I just wanted to thank you so much for sharing all of your letting go experiences. My GOSH you’ve overcome so, so much…truly amazing. Take care, my friend.