Fears for Children When Divorcing an Alcoholic
The thought of divorcing an alcoholic * is terrifying for so many reasons, but when one has children, it can be paralyzing.
Time and again I receive phone calls and emails from spouses expressing fears like these:
“I am terrified to divorce because my children aren’t safe with him/her they drink.”
“He drinks and drives all the time. How can I protect myself and my children financially – should I have a separate insurance policy?”
“How do I tell my 3 and 5 year old they’re not to drive with daddy – ever?”
“I’m having an impossible time trying to ‘do it all’ – work full time, drop off and pick up the kids, never leave them alone with her – but if I don’t stay with my kids 24/7 when they’re not in school, I’m afraid she might get drunk and think she’s safe to drive or start her crazy talk, which they don’t understand and then she gets mad at them for that. What do I do?”
Divorcing an Alcoholic? How do you tell your 3 or 5 year old they are never to drive with daddy and mommy is not “fine.”
[Please know the information in this post applies equally to divorcing an addict,* and please scroll to the end for a more thorough explanation of the terms, alcoholic / addict. And even if you’re not considering divorce but are trying to protect your children, this information can help.]
The Catch-22 of Divorcing an Alcoholic
The very real, justifiable fears shared above turn the non-alcoholic spouses into shrill, fear-filled, anxious, frantic people.
They become persons they were never like before the insanity and were certainly never meant to be. They become the other half of this family disease and are often as equally confusing for their children to understand, because like the alcoholic, they are not “there;” they are not consistently approachable, calm, warm and loving, with consistent reactions and actions that make sense to their children.
Instead, they, too, are in their own world — a world that takes on a life of its own as they try day in and day out to control the uncontrollable — namely, the brain of an alcoholic who is actively drinking. I mean, really, how do you tell a 3 or 5 year old they are never to drive with daddy, or the real reason mommy is not “fine” even though that’s her pat answer when they ask, “Mommy, are you okay?” “Mommy what’s wrong?”
The concerns and fears shared above are those mothers, fathers and family law attorneys have expressed to me over the course of my work as author, speaker, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. There was a time when they were my concerns, as well. They are a big part of why I do the work I do, for when my daughters were young, I lived in constant fear of dying and leaving them to fend for themselves, and I lived in constant fear of staying. My repeated prayer was, “Please let me live until they’ve graduated high school and are enrolled in college.” So in fear, I dug in and tried harder to control the uncontrollable. It was the ultimate Catch-22.
And why are we here in this Catch-22?
Because most people still view alcoholism as a shameful lack of willpower; most people are not aware of the 21st century brain and addiction related research that proves alcoholism to be one of the brain diseases of addiction, which is defined as a chronic, often relapsing brain disease.
And Let Me Be Clear
This post is NOT to bash alcoholics, many of whom I know to be kind, loving people when sober (or drunk, for that matter). And trust me, I’ve never met an alcoholic who is proud of what they’ve done while in their untreated disease.
Nor is it to bash parents like myself.
Rather it is to shed light on the disease of alcoholism and how it hijacks families. It’s to help the alcoholic, the non-alcoholic, the judges, the family law attorneys, the doctor treating the non-drinker for depression instead of the “real” problem, the in-laws…; it’s to help all of us better understand we have a very BROKEN system.
This post is written for the sake of children, who are the innocent victims of our combined ignorance. And — who knows — perhaps in this process of getting to a better understanding, we can collectively help with fixing families along the way.
What to Understand for Children’s Sake If Divorcing an Alcoholic
This section applies equally to situations where one is choosing to stay with an actively drinking alcoholic.
- Clearly understand alcoholism as the brain disease it is. Check out: NIDA’s Drugs, Brains, and Behavior: The Science of Addiction. And understand what it takes to effectively treat it. Check out: NIDA’s Principles of Effective Addiction Treatment
- Review the The U.S. Surgeon General’s Report on Alcohol, Drugs, and Health. This was issued November 17, 2016, and goes a long way to debunking common myths about addiction, treatment, and recovery.
- Visit the American Board of Addiction Medicine (ABAM) website. There you can find a medical professional with an addiction specialization who can provide a medical evaluation as to the person’s current medical status in terms of their addiction recovery. Quoting from the website: “The American Board of Addiction Medicine provides assurance to the American public that Addiction Medicine physicians have the knowledge and skills to prevent, recognize and treat addiction.”
- Know there are simple, anonymous assessments you can use to determine your spouse’s drinking pattern and thus what it is you are dealing with – alcohol abuse vs alcoholism. Check out WHO’s Alcohol Use Disorders Test (copy and paste this link in your browser if it doesn’t open here, http://apps.who.int/iris/bitstream/10665/67205/1/WHO_MSD_MSB_01.6a.pdf).
- Understand the non drinking spouse is deeply affected and needs to get their own help. For me, this was three years of therapy (mostly cognitive behavior therapy – CBT) with an addictions specialist (it is imperative it be a therapist who understands what happens to family members of addicts | alcoholics). I also attended Al-Anon for several years and then immersed myself in the research that’s become the basis of my blog, books and presentations.
- I urge you to read my latest book published in 2019 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!! (2019) — not so I can sell books but so you can learn about the huge scientific advances that explains all of this in layman’s terms.
Helps answer questions if divorcing an alcoholic OR wanting to stay in the relationship.
The first half covers alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…). As importantly for readers of this post, it explains why addicts/alcoholics lie, cheat, steal.
The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, as well as what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives.This is the link to the Amazon version. It comes in both paperback and Kindle (which can be read on an iPad or other eReader device). With the Kindle format, you’re able to get it immediately, which may be helpful for right now, and it allows you to read it without anyone knowing, which may also be helpful. It is also sold by other retailers and available in some libraries, as well.
Please know…
I am happy to answer your specific questions. Send me an email at lisaf@breakingthecycles.com to schedule a phone call. There is no charge.
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*alcoholic / *addict – about these terms… A great deal has changed over the years. Alcoholism (and other drug addictions) are now referred to as severe substance use disorders. Though people with severe substance use disorders often self-identify (in 12 step meetings, for example) as alcoholics or addicts, in the treatment field, they are referred to as a person with a substance use disorder. In other words, they are not their substance use disorder any more than they would be their cancer if that was the chronic disease from which they suffered.
This article more fully explains these concepts, “About the Terms Alcohol Abuse | Alcoholism |Alcohol Use Disorder” and applies equally applies to addict | drug abuse | drug addiction.
____
This post originally appeared under the same name in 2013. It was revised 2016, 2020 and 2021. Many of the comments were submitted on older versions of this post.
Lisa Frederiksen
Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)
- Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
- Resources for Parents of Children with Substance Use and Mental Disorders - October 18, 2022
- 4 Things to Support Brain Health and Function for Recovery - August 30, 2022
Once again, you have hit home for me. Thank you!
I was that one. My Jeremy & Stephanie were only 3 & 5. I was married to a bi-polar/alcoholic man. He was such a wonderful husband, step-father & friend. That is, until the “manic” came out….then the alcohol….then the guns. He held shotguns to my head, shot up our home (on a military base), and held myself & my children hostage. It did not matter that there was a full military SWAT team outside each time.
I just knew I had to find a way to get away to save my children & myself. But how could I do that? They adored him! And, I so wanted to “fix” him. How could I do that, if I wasn’t with him?
If I had known then that I & my children needed counseling….would it have kept me from turning to drugs? Would it have kept me from becoming an addict? Would it have spared my daughter from becoming an addict? I will never know for sure….but I can’t help but think our lives would have been much better.
Thank God he had over 25 years sober, prior to his death. He got to become that adoring husband (to another) & father. Sadly, the wreckage of his past (Hep C) caught up with him & took him out.
Thank God, today both my daughter & I are both in recovery! Today I get to be there for her, as she fights this battle called cancer.
I would love to see all this information made available at the fingertips of every Al-Anon & Nar-Anon group world-wide. That’s how important I think it is.
So once again, I need you to know how grateful I am for the work you do on a daily basis. Though it will never be enough, all I can say is Thank You Lisa!
Oh Sandi… my heart breaks reading your story and what you endured and now what you and your daughter are going through. You are incredibly courageous to have gotten your own help to break this cycle, as is your daughter. And I know your sharing will help others – it’s through our stories that we can see how others managed, survived and now thrive, so thank you. And lastly, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter as she battles her cancer.
and one more thing, I so appreciate your heartfelt thanks for my work – it means a great deal, so THANK YOU!
Just to underline that this is something that affects both sexes,
10 years ago I left my wife because of her drinking, taking the children (3 girls – 14, 12 and 10) with me.
It is never an easy decision but I realised the person I was living with was nothing like the person I had married. There were a few attempts to get help on my wife’s part, as well as countless ones by me, but in the end she always went back to the drink. The children (and I) needed to get away.
We were lucky. All three are fine, happy adults. Their mother finally drank herself to death three years ago. We were all of us sad but, as the girls said to me, ‘we really lost her a long time ago’.
I quite agree that this is indeed an illness and one that needs treatment. But sometimes separation is needed to maintain security for other vulnerable individuals.
If advice such as that found here had been around when I needed it (or if I had found it) things would have been a whole lot easier. Keep up the good work.
You are absolutely right, Christopher – it definitely affects both sexes and sometimes separation and divorce are the only answer to protect one’s children and self. Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your experiences with this, and I’m so happy for you and your daughters that you are now able to enjoy happy, thriving lives.
I agree. I keep looking for books that will help me as the non- alcoholic to heal after divorcing my alcoholic spouse. He has quit drinking no, but the damage it caused to me and our son.. I can still feel it every day. All I find are books on how to stay or how to keep loving or how to help them. I want to find one on what to do when enough is enough… and how to heal myself.
I’m dealing with this as we speak I have two daughters 3 & 5! I’m starting counseling in January! They will need it unfortunately.. I’m constantly seeking advise! I told him he had to seek help or leave in January! I’m starting next year off for the best of my girls! We need peace in our home… my fears are him trying to get some kind of custody ( he never got his first go around) I’m sure he would never get it but fl is so pro 50/50 scares the life out of me. He can’t pick them up from school due to his drinking at work! Any advise please share
Hi Danielle – I’m very sorry to hear what you are going through.
In addition to the suggestions in this article, many counties have a family law department and within that department, they offer free legal consultations, so I suggest you check that out. For example, San Mateo County offers this one http://www.sanmateocourt.org/self_help/contact_us.php You might also search for pro bono family law services in your area – that would be private firm or a nonprofit that offers free legal services.
Also, LegalMatch.com offers a national database of family law attorneys, as well as other legal aid and resources. It allows you to search for an attorney in your area via zip code, and then submit your concerns/objectives by filling out a quick questionnaire about your situation and providing a small detailed description — all free and confidential.
Feel free to email me with further questions as lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com
Lisa
Wow Lisa it looks like you have really hit the nail on the head for a lot of people. Such a terrible bind, and your information, so nicely written is such a huge help. I will definitely be sharing this one for all to see. Thanks so much for all you do.
It really is, isn’t it. I sure appreciate you sharing this information as I know you work with many people with these same kinds of concerns. Thanks so much, Leslie!
Hi Lisa,
Great topic. I know this is an issue for so many families and is certainly challenging to know how to proceed. There certainly is no one right answer for families, but certainly the children need to come first. Thank you for bringing this topic out into the limelight.
You’re so welcome. It is such a complex, difficult area of the law, and of course, the dynamics and impacts for all concerned are hugely significant. Thanks for adding your comment!
Yet another bit of subject matter thoroughly covered. You always do such a fine job, and your compassion for your work – and clients – always comes through. Have always admired that about you. As a divorced father of two (5 and 2 y.o old at the time), I am witness as to how deeply hurtful the whole divorce trip is to them – and their parents. And I can’t image how much more hurt would be on the scene were one of the parents substance abusing/dependent. Damn! As bad as it was anyway, this recovering alcoholic is thankful he was well into his recovery when it was time to part company. Thank you, Lisa, for this relevant and helpful material. I know many will print the article for daily reference…
Bill
You are so welcome and thank you for the warm comments and support, Bill. And I appreciate you passing this along to your followers. Take care.
AMAZING advice. Thank you, Lisa. I’ll be sharing.
Wonderful!! Thanks so much, Jody!
I have been with my husband for many years, hoping on many occasions that he would just die and get it over with.
I am still fairly young and pray that I can have someone who doesn’t smell like liquer when they go to bed at night.
Sixteen years ago, I separated from him and told the courts about his drinking and the abuse that came along with it. The mediator said no one could wake up drinking and go to bed drinking- they didn’t know him. Needless to say, they gave him vistation with my young son. I was scared to death. Soon after, he received three dui’s and lost his license. A few years after that he received a felony. By that time, we were back together. The judicial system failed me and I was in fear of something happening to my child.
My family thinks I’m crazy to be with this man but I know that I’ve done the right thing for MY family. I’ve done what the legal system refused to do-protect!
This article and shown me that I am not alone. Thank you.
Hello, I can relate to all of the comments, I am married 8 years, two children, 6 and 7…. We have our good days but when it’s a bad day, I feel like crawling in a hole with my children… my husband is a loving father, husband hard worker, but …. When he drinks it is awful, I find myself isolating from the family so that no one will witness my drunk husband, he has ruined and embarrassed me in many gatherings, it’s a party for him before the party… It’s back and forth to the garage for beer, maybe 20-25 in one day, he doesn’t eat and slurring words stumbling, cursing etc… Then when he comes in after drinking he will eat and go to sleep, when he sleeps it’s calm quiet and not disturbing to my beautiful children, I wish it was like that all the time, sometimes I too wish that he drinks himself to a point that will scare him…how do I protect my children from the man they call daddy and love so much….
One night he came after me, verbally abuses me and that moment I realized this is how the rest of my life will be like:((((, embarrassed in front of my children, & am exhausted physically from his drinking, I do not know how the passenger seat feels in my car, I am lost for words and thoughts of how to “fix” the issue or disease……thank you..
Dear Hope – I’m so sorry to hear about your situation – please feel free to call me at 650-362-3026 or email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com (no charge) and I can suggest information and resources that may be of help.
Wow I just read this and I’m reading my story. My husband is an alcoholic and has gotten dui’s. His only punishment was on 2 separate occasions he had public drunkenness and spent the night in jail. He also gotten into trouble for harassing the neighbors and got citations and fines.
Then after dui 3 Days in jail and more fines followed up with losing license and now having an interlocking device on his vehicle for a year. He’s been sober 5 months but I am scared to death it is all going to start again. Rewind from this point (its December) exactly 13 months ago his drinking was out of control and he called me when I had our then 5 year old at her Dance class and told me he was going to commit suicide. I raced home, took our daughter to a neighbor to watch and wrestled a shotgun away from him. Yes it was terrifying! He of course was drunk. Highest blood alcohol level hospital had seen in a long time. I had him committed to the mental ward (I even had a police escort. The first time the police ever helped me and I called them many many times and they would just make him leave with a relative or friend till he got sober. They did nothing to protect me or my other children. I was devastated. He even pulled a gun on me and my children and police did nothing!). Once in hospital was there for a week then went to rehab for a month. He did great and I had a sober husband for about 100 Days then he relapsed and his drinking was worse than before. It has been a nightmare!! I want to leave but am scared to death. He also gets very violent with me. I’m scared of him. This is devastating. He has been sober now for 5 months but I honestly don’t think it is going to last. I’m just terrified and want to leave. I have no family and no support system. Can I get custody of our daughter in this situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I’m so sorry to hear all you’re going through, Julia. Check out the suggestions I’ve given other readers in the comments/replies on this post. Feel free to contact me via email if you’d like to set up a phone call – lisaf@breakingthecycles.com. I wish you all the best. Lisa
Thank you for this blog! I felt like I was wrong for feeling this way, but now see that I am not alone. I fear for my almost 6 year old’s safety. How do you agree on time with dad when you know she is not safe with him? I left her in his care when I went on a business trip for 10 days. During this time he left her home alone in her bed while he went out to the pub. She is not old enough to stay home alone. She is absolutely traumatised by this experience. During the same time he also used marujuana while she was in his care. I know you cannot look after a child while high. The other day they went on a ‘daddy daughter date’ to the spur. He came home very drunk driving her in his car. It was not even 6pm. I really do not know how this custody battle is going to work out, but I think I have valid fears for leaving her in his care. It has also now effected my work as I cannot travel anymore. I am hanging on to my marriage only because my daughter at least get to see dad while I am around, but he is moving out today!
I’ve got a hubby that drinks. At times every day or at least every weekend. It’s as if he needs to get drunk. I can’t handle that. I’m not a drinker but I’m a smoker. Smoking makes me be myself and calm down a little (although I know that smoking is not good for my or my kids health but in all honesty I don’t smoke in front of them / in the car, I go outside to smoke). When my husband drink he so often takes the my car and drives to his friend to drink once again but taking both my kids with him. Most of the time I refuse that he takes the kids. My little girl is still baby so she normally don’t mind staying with me, but my son, his dad is a hero to him whom he adores and loves despite his dad screaming, yelling, swearing, hitting etc when he gets upset with my son in his drunken state or when my husband does emotional abuse towards me.
Hubby when he drinks at home he just passes out in the bed (we don’t share a bed for years and its mainly because my boy wants to sleep with his dad. He can’t go without his dad while the table turned with the daughter). But if he passes out then it’s me alone with the kids and yet again I don’t get to even go do something like coffee / tea / smoke / bath or do my nails, etc.
My hubby is the good guy when he is not drinking but he has a friend that also drinks with him (the friend also suffers from a heart condition and does not have employment but always have alcohol and always drink – but they don’t have kids) and seems to be unbothered of how their drinking effects me and my family.
My husband when drunk he often says only bad things of me, never good, I’m always wrong, never right and he never ever apologises for his wrong doing.
My son already mentioned to his teacher at school that his father buys and drinks a lot of beer. This is not something I would want him to be used to, I don’t want him to become the same like his dad. I have no idea on what to do or how to handle it. I don’t go out to friends and I definitely don’t trust my kids alone with their father at home especially when he drinks.
Please could you give me some advise on what to do or how to handle this scenario?
I’m so glad you’ve reached out.
When a person drinks more alcohol than their liver can metabolize (meaning get rid of the chemical in alcohol), the chemical (ethyl alcohol) changes how the brain cells “talk” to one another. This change is what causes the person to exhibit drinking behaviors, like driving while impaired, saying mean, awful things, passing out. It takes specific enzymes in the liver an average of one hour to metabolize the ethyl alcohol chemicals in one standard drink. So if a person drinks 6 beers (even if they were all consumed in 1-2 hours), it will take 6 hours for the chemicals to leave the body AND the brain.
So it’s important to understand that as long as a person drinks excessively – whether they’re a binge drinker, heavy social drinker, alcohol abuser or alcoholic – the drinking behaviors will occur. And by the way, “normal” or “low-risk” drinking for a man is defined as no more than 14 standard drinks a week, with no more than 4 of the 14 on any day and for women as no more than 7 standard drinks a week, with no more than 3 of the 7 on any day. A standard drink is defined as 12 ounces of regular beer, 5 ounces of table wine and 1.5 ounces of 80-proof hard liquor (bourbon, scotch, vodka, gin). Check out NIAAA Rethinking Drinking for more on this.
To help family members and friends in the situation you’ve described understand what this is about and what they can do, I’ve written the Quick Guide to Secondhand Drinking: the Phenomenon That Affects Millions and the Quick Guide to Addiction Recovery: What Helps, What Doesn’t – both available on Amazon.
I hope you find them helpful and feel free to reach out to me, anytime.
I just read your article after having another bad night with the father of my kids. It’s SO difficult thinking about leaving the father of your children.I have 3 kids: a 9 month old; a 2 year old and a 12 year old. When my bf is sober he’s a really caring, hard working guy. Sometimes even when he’s drunk he can be a fun loving guy, but there’s lots of times he’s not fun and very stressful and scary even. We live in a condo and he’s yelled, he’s broken a tv, punched a hole in the wall, among other things. I’ve called the police once on him and my sister 9nce on him. Now when he gets out of hand he just tells me to call the police on him. The younger kids don’t quite know what’s going on but my 12- year old is very much affected by his drinking. I feel like I need to tell him to move out because he’s stressing everyone out and like I said we live in a condo and I don’t want him to irritate the neighbors. I worry about him as well, if I tell him to leave is he going to fall apart? He always apologizes profusely (when he’s sober), he cries, says he needs me…I feel like my body is split. I need to stay strong to take care of my kids and I feel like he’s grinding me to the ground. And meanwhile I have friends who tell me they’d never let their kids live with an alcoholic and seem to judge me cause I do. They seem to think it’s an easy decision to leave. I know it would be the right thing to do because he doesn’t want to even consider getting help. But I worry about him becoming worst if I kick him out. Is it true alcoholics tend to decide to seek treatment when they have “lost” a lot?
Hi Mel – I’m so glad you’ve reached out, and I’m so sorry for what you and your children (and your BF) are going through. One of the most important things to do is to better understand how alcohol misuse (whether it’s binge drinking, alcohol abuse or alcoholism) changes brain function, which in turn changes a person’s behaviors. Then it’s helpful to assess a drinking pattern so you better understand what it is you are dealing with because a person with the brain disease of alcoholism (one of the brain diseases of addiction) cannot drink any amount if they want to change their behaviors. That’s because of the brain mapping that’s occurred around the characteristics and risk factors of this brain disease. To help you with this, I suggest you read my eBook, “Addiction Recovery: What Helps, What Doesn’t,” and please know I am not diagnosing your BF by suggesting this title – rather the book contains a lot of useful information and links to the key resources that can help you better understand what’s happened to you, your children and your BF. Here’s the link to the ebook: https://www.amazon.com/Quick-Guide-Addiction-Recovery-Doesnt-ebook/dp/B00OYV3B7U#navbar
You might prefer checking out these resources, instead – (they’re included in the book, too):
For explaining addiction (whether it’s to drugs or alcohol):
https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/preface
For assessing a drinking pattern:
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/Practitioner/CliniciansGuide2005/clinicians_guide.htm
This is the AUDIT quiz, itself:
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/Audit.pdf
and this is the original publication from which it’s reprinted with permission: http://apps.who.int/iris/bitstream/10665/67205/1/WHO_MSD_MSB_01.6a.pdf
For understanding what constitutes effective treatment: https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/principles-drug-addiction-treatment-research-based-guide-third-edition/principles-effective-treatment
I wish you all the best and feel free to contact me directly at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com.
Had an alcoholic wife ended up leaving her last year
3 children under 3 social services involved
3 months after split I haft take them into my care to protect them social svs backing for them to stay with me final court hearing next few weeks so fingers crossed
The constant worry gets you down but leaving and now protecting my kids is the best thing I done
I don’t hate her only what she has done to the kids passing out drunk etc
Just a shame as sobour one of the nicest women you could meet but the constant lies drinking verbal and physical abuse took its toll making me miserable and unhappy
Wow, Sam… you have been under huge stress and worry. It is terribly sad how this brain disease robs people of who they really are… I wish you all the best going forward.
Thanks for addressing these concerns I came across your site as I am terrified to let my kids go for a chunk of time with their father who is a recovering alcoholic and vulnerable to start drinking again when triggered.
I’m hoping to find someplace I can deal with myself in the days to come.
You’re welcome, Chiara. I wish you all the best, Lisa
Thank you for all of your information. I have separated from my husband and moved me and our 5 year old twin boys in with my parents. He did a medical detox before we left and things were going ok for a week or two. Then I began finding bottles around the house and his behavior started getting bizarre again. We finally left after an angry violent outburst which scared the boys and me to death. We had been walking on egg shells for years because of his anger and rages and I felt I had no choice but to get the kids and I out of there. He now barley works and says he’s so depressed he can’t get out of bed. He never calls or sees the boys and they miss him like crazy. He is blaming me for abandoning him and refuses to get help for his drinking or desperation unless we move back home. The boys don’t understand why he doesn’t want to see them or why we can’t all live together again. Although they do say they think he is mean at times. I know it’s best that we are out of that house but it is so hard watching him slowly kill himself. How do you convince someone they need help when they will take no responsibility? We also live in a smaller town and I have been seeing a counselor that is not a specialist in addiction. It seems hard to find addiction help in our area.
Thank you for sharing your advice!
Hi Jen – I’m so sorry to hear all of what you and your sons (and your husband) are going through. I’m more than happy to talk with you and provide suggestions – give me a call at my office (no charge) 650-362-3026. Take care, Lisa
My ex and I are separated and in the process of divorcing. We had a couple of issues regarding the safety of our children when she was drinking. She stopped drinking for the 4 years prior to our separation. I feel like if I confront her with this it will sour her goodwill in terms of agreeing to joint custody and other issues with dividing assets. I’ll have created an enemy in the divorce process basically.
We more or less share physical custody of our kids. They’re teenagers. Once recently when going over to her house to pick something up, she was very clearly drunk (staggering, slurring). A couple other times she’s been hungover. She also smokes pot on a daily basis, which is a little annoying to the kids but not normally a huge issue – except once when she was high and a passenger in the car while my daughter was driving (learning permit). My daughter was very upset that mom was not coherent enough to help her with driving directions.
The kids would have said something to me if she was drinking in front of them or while she went out with them. I’m confident that they wouldn’t get in the car with her if they knew she was drunk or high. I do think though that she is sneaking alcohol while they are home, since she was clearly drunk when I went over there one evening that she had the kids.
I think my children probably know what’s going on, but I know if I talk to them about it, they’ll confront mom and I’m back to the issue of creating a hostile situation for the divorce.
I want their kids to have a mom who is sober and present for them. They love their mom and I know they want to spend half of their time with her.
My thought right now is to wait until the divorce is final to confront her with this, hoping that she’ll get help and at least making the kids more fully aware of what she’s doing.
My question is this: if she goes off the deep end and the kids are concerned with her behavior or their safety, am I likely to be able to go back to the court to change the custody arrangement or at least have the court order treatment as a condition for shared joint physical custody?
Thank you
Hello alcoholicEx,
I’m sorry to hear what you and your ex and children are going through. You’ve raised so many interrelated questions, the answers for which are dependent on your state’s family laws, that it’s difficult to answer without speaking to you. Please contact me at my office, 650-362-3026, or send me an email as lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can take it from there. ~Lisa
My son’s wife is an alcoholic. They have two young boys under the age of 7. His wife has a breathalyzer on her car for about 8 more months. So she can’t drive with them but drinks at home. She lost her job due to her drinking. My son wants to divorce her but doesn’t want her to have any custody. She had been to rehab at the strong suggestion of her lawyer over a dui incident. She went but resented going and drinks now more than ever. She is trying to ruin my son’s name all over town telling people he struggles with physical violence. He feels trapped in a loveless marriage but must stay to protect kids. She told him she has nothing to lose but he has everything to lose as he is a business executive in the company that fired her for drinking on job. What can he do?
Hi Jane – I’m so sorry to hear all of what your son and his family are going through. There is no easy or simple answer to your question. It’s best if he send me an email and we can set up a phone call – my email is lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com. There’s no charge for these kinds of phone calls. ~Lisa
Lisa,
I hope you can offer some advice. My husband is an alcoholic, also active duty military. He is very successful in his career and a very highly functioning alcoholic. We have two children. Aiden is 10 and Evan is 8. Aiden recently said to me after driving home with his Dad that Dad was ok to drive home on two or three beers. We have been married 11 years and he has not been sober for more than a month of those 11 years. He doesn’t think he has a problem. I love him and want to support but he wants a divorce so that he can “stop being ashamed of himself”. How do I make him see I want him healthy and love him.
Hi Alexandra – I’m so sorry. I have several suggestions, so please give me a call at 650-362-3026. There is no charge, but know I’m on PST, so if I don’t answer, I will call you back. Thank you for reaching out. ~Lisa
This is exactly my dilemma. My husband is an alcoholic. He must drink 60 or more beers in 1 week. He also drives drunk all the time. By that I don’t mean driving after 6 beers, he does that almost every day, he will be slurring his words and can’t walk without bumping into walls and falling over – he will drive in that condition maybe 3 times a month. This has been going on for years. Yet somehow he’s never been pulled over for a dui. As you can imagine, life with him is miserable for me and my children. We are always on eggshells not knowing what mood he will be in. And the mood swings are intolerable. But for the sake of my kids lives, I cannot leave. I can’t trust him not to drink and drive with them or not to be totally drunk at home with them. They are young. Their ages are 8, 6, 3, and 15 months. Plus he can be very spiteful, I can just see him not answering his phone when I call to check on them. He always talks about wanting to the them to a baseball game. But he can’t not drink there. Being married still, I can say no you aren’t taking them because you will get drunk and say you’re fine to drive and drive them home. If I was divorced, he would pick them up for his weekend and id have no say where he can take them. I’ve talked to a lawyer about these concerns and unfortunately there’s nothing that can stop him until he’s caught driving drunk with them. He’s also miraculously never got a dui so in court I’d just look like a bitter ex exaggerating things out of spite, which couldnt be further from the truth. If he had a record of dui then I’d have proof to back me up. I may need to anonymously report him when I know he’s doing it. Not just for my proof to back up my claims, but to save his life or someone else’s, or my own kids lives. So I guess until he gets a few duis I can’t leave my abusive alcoholic husband. It really is hopeless. But I love my kids more than I love myself so i will stay. Even though the emotional abuse he puts us all through, especially my two oldest boys, 8 and 6, is enough to require therapy the rest of their lives. He’s damaging them so badly, but I’d rather them have emotional problems and be alive than leave him and they die in his care. It’s absolutely heartbreaking. If this was the 1940s I could leave him and we wouldn’t have to be around his abuse. But the way the court system is, they want the fathers 50% involved no matter what. Just because they are the biological father, doesn’t mean they are a good dad or loving or caring. But I live in Maryland, which is very pro-father in custody cases. I want my kids to have a relationship with their dad, but it’s so dysfunctional. He needs help and refuses to get it. He thinks he can stop drinking any time but “he just doesn’t want to”. He will go a few days or even a week sometimes after a really bad bender where he’ll say he’s not drinking ever again but as soon as we go out to eat, or dinner at someone’s house, or any kind of event where alcohol is available he can’t say no. And he can’t just have 1. If he has 1 drink, he’s having 12. Then he’s right back to drinking every day or at least 5 days a week. If he gets a bad hangover, since some days he drinks more than others, he won’t drink that next day but only because he was so sick. If someone actually read my whole post to this point, please pray for me.
I am so terribly sorry, LJ. Please know you can send me a private email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com or call my office at 650-362-3026, as I may have some suggestions that might help you and your situation. I’m in CA on PST. If I don’t answer, I will call you back. ~Lisa
I have been divorced from my alcoholic ex with borderline personality disorder and depression for a little over a year. He has custody a couple of days a week. He often cancels because he is drunk. We have an agreement that he sometimes sticks to that he will tell me when he is drinking and not take the kids. I went to see a lawyer about how to stop visitation until he is sober for some length of time where he could be trusted again – a year? I guess I don’t know what it would be. I was told that after court costs, mediation costs, and social worker and lawyer fees, the cost would be about $20,000. So my kids are mostly safe but could be completely safe and my ex could have the push he needs to permanently sober up if the courts made it easier to keep kids away from their addicted parents. In the meantime, the kids are waiting to turn 18 so they can deal with him on their own terms.
So many of my readers contact me with similar stories, Claire. This article was first posted in 2013 and revised in 2016. Sadly family law and family law practitioners still do not understand the complexities of this disease, let along the complexities of co-occurring disorders, such as that experienced by your ex husband. And it’s not that persons with either alcoholism (or other drug addiction) or co-occurring disorders are “bad” or “deserving” – rather it’s a safety issue for children. I’m so sorry for what you and your children are continuing to go through.
My wife has a drinking problem (and an eating disorder btw). She drinks 4-5 bottles of wine a week at home but also drinks during the day at work (we own a business). At least 3-4 nights a week she passes out on the couch. Unfortunately, she will drive with our daughters (8 and 10 yrs old) when she’s been drinking. I have had to stop traveling for work because I can’t trust her alone with the kids. If there were to be an emergency, she wouldn’t be able to take care of it. We are headed for divorce, but I am terrified for my girls. In this state (MS), it is very hard to take custody away from the mother and even harder to prove her drinking problem because she’s never had a DUI or any legal issues. I am worrying myself to death over this….I just want my girls to be safe.
I’m so very sorry to hear of what you are going through. Please send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycyles.com, and we can discuss further. There is no charge. ~Lisa
I have been living with an alcoholic husband for 12 years. He left in couple of ocasions but always come back. He like to be with his friends drinking and he is out of the house most of the time. He also drinks at home. In all this time, my two daughters (8 and 11), learned to not be close with him because the harm that he caused with emotional abuse, destruction of property and because he hasn’t been “there”. I have been suffering for many years, and finally after going to Alanon I started learning that I was codependent, and decide one day that I was not put my attention on him anymore. My life and my kids life is what is important to me. I started ignoring his drinking, the bottles, etc. Every time he would come home (since it was an emotional roller coaster every day even if he was not drinking) my daughter’s and myself worked on strategy of encouraging each other to not respond to him every time he would say a nasty comment or insult me or emotional abuse. It was hard but that’s how we were trying to cope with that situation. But for the most part, for us was better when he wasn’t home. I am the one who had been the parent for the kids since they were born and making all of the decisions regarding education, activities, the life at home, etc. I have stayed home with the kids to take care of them and because he was building a business and he work there. So he is the provider a functional alcoholic.
So I tell this story because, since 3 months ago, he started insulting and emotional abuse and the girls started to cry. I told him that he needed to leave the house because he was doing harm to us. He decided to leave (normally he would say in other ocasiona that he won’t leace because he pays the rent so that’s his house). But this time he left.
He asked me to see the kids many times and I told him to find a counselor, which he didn’t. Now we are in July and I just got the documents that her filed for a divorce. All this time he has been threading me with that but he never did.
Until now. And he is saying that the reason is because I don’t let see him the kids a d he wants 2 weekends of the months to spend with him which for me I don’t want it I don’t feel comfortable and the kids don’t want it. Specially because they had never stayed a night with him in their life, even in our own home. They are scared ave I am scared too since I have to go to court.
He got a dui couple tears ago but I never called the police or anything when he got violent at home. I just have proofs of how propert damages at home that he did and he never fixed.
Anyways, there’s so many more details for example that years ago I went to counselors to mediate with this type of issue when he left for 1 year. A d we went to the counselor and the counselor told him or we agree that he was going to see the kids one or two days of the week. But only for few hours and not stsying the night with him. That part was ok, and then the the second step was to find ways to fix the marriage issues, and after we start receiving counseling for that, he suddenly stopped going to counseling. I did my best in trying to find solubtioms but he was not interested.
I am afraid that court will give him, what he is looking because he suddenly stopped drinking right now, and started saying that reason he was drinking it was because of me (even though he drinks before he met me and his parents and siblings all have a drinking problem). In the past from what seen is he stopped drinking to pretend (he stopped drinking for 10 months after he was in the program after the dui but the month after he finish the program he started to drink again). He is not under a program right now and is possible he is doing this to show court that he doesn’t drink and he doesn’t have any alcohol issue.
My questions is what can I do?
Can the kids say their opinions? Can they decide that they don’t want to spend nights with him and they don’t want any modifications from their life? They are very busy with activies and school and they are very good students too. They don’t want to get stress. But also they don’t feel comfortable with him. Does the judge make them do something they don’t want to do? How that works? My oldest is very clear that she wants to be away from him, she is afraid of his abusice behavior and emotional rollercoaster Not sure what happens in that case. Please if you ca help me I appreciate it. I apologize to write very long. I just need the help.
Hi Al – first of all, I’m very sorry for what all you and your daughters are going through. I will send you an email so we can arrange a conversation to talk about this. Lisa
Guess what. Women can be alcoholics too. Ask me how I know.
Wow such an opposite reality of what I lived. My mom was abused growing up and then married my narcissistic Dad who would constantly criticize and gaslight, which drove my mom to drink and worsen her anxiety and she was over-prescribed benzos by her GP. So my addicted Mom was responsible for caring for me and my sister and was struggling. My Dad would then criticize more and not help and the cycle would worsen. Eventually my addicted Mom divorced my dad and tried to take full custody of us so he would have to pay full child support and she wouldn’t have to work and she could do drugs all day. This is when her addictions went full blown and she couldn’t really care for us anymore. She would pass out on the couch almost every nigh, drove with us while impaired, didn’t consistently make meals, etc. She never got full custody and we split time 50 50. For 9 years I tried to understand my parents behavior because I didn’t know drugs or alcohol were involved. I would research random health conditions that would explain withdrawal or intoxicated symptoms and my parents would say “ya ya ya, whatever…” because they knew it was because of drugs and drinking but would never tell us that. My sister and I were very sheltered and isolated from the world and we had never seen adults openly drink at gatherings etc. so we didn’t know the behavioral affects and I also never saw alcohol in the house. The secrecy and confusion is very hard to deal with as a kid. It was like my family was infected with some unknown disease and I was the only one trying to diagnose it and I was severely underqualified and was only working with a third the information.
Wow Stephen – I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s very likely another reader will see some part of your story in their own lives, which is so helpful as they’ll know they’re not alone. If you’d like to talk about any of this, please know I offer free phone or Zoom calls. Just send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can arrange a time.
Take care,
Lisa
I completely agree with what you have written. I hope this post could reach more people as this was truly an interesting post.
Thank you, Margaret.
My husband and I have a 50/50 partnership. When he’s sober, he’s amazing. When he drinks heavily, he becomes someone completely different. He scares me and the kids. He knows he has a problem drinking but won’t stop completely. He has a few beers here and there and then it escalates until he has what we call “an episode”, where something bad happens, usually involving insulting me and/or our 16 year old daughter. Our 11 and 6 year old are usually asleep by the time he has “an episode”. He usually has 1-2 bad episodes a year. I have become so anxious and scared of him having one that anytime he drinks (2-3 times a week), I’m constantly reminding him to take it slow and not drink anymore. As soon as he starts drinking I feel instantly depressed. His episodes have tainted my heart and I don’t feel like I’m in love with him anymore. I want to leave him but I feel like I help him control his drinking issue and I fear he will truly become an alcoholic without my support. How can I be a good mother and chose to separate myself from him but then leave him unsupervised with our children? But by staying, I’m not showing my children true love because I can’t even kiss him anymore. I’m mean and angry more often than I would be if he wasn’t here. It’s a lose lose situation. I’m stuck in this loveless marriage having to make sure he’s the best version of himself for the kids sake.
I will reply via email and we can arrange a time to talk about this.