Hidden Half-Empty Bottles – Should I Dump Them Out or ???
Some variation of this question comes up often, “I found hidden half-empty bottles of vodka all over the house. Should I dump them out? I did that the last time, and he accused me of snooping…not trusting him.”
Hidden half-empty bottles of alcohol – what should you do if you find or go searching for them?
I remember that sick, kicked-in-the-gut feeling when I found my loved ones’ hidden half-empty bottles. Sometimes I’d collect them all and line them up on the kitchen counter – to let Alex know I knew. (For those who know my story, I have had several loved ones, male and female, who’ve abused or were dependent on alcohol, to whom I’ve given the composite name, Alex, and the pronoun, he.)
Sometimes I’d dump them out and leave the empties, and sometimes I’d grab one and track Alex down and confront him, shaking that half-empty bottle, screeching a venom filled spew – my anger, rage and hurt tumbling forth in waves.
None of it worked.
And now I know why.
People Who Don’t Have a Drinking Problem Don’t Hide Alcohol Bottles
In a nutshell… people who don’t have a drinking problem, don’t hide bottles of alcohol.
People who aren’t worried about someone’s drinking, don’t go searching for hidden bottles.
Neither one is healthy. They both need help. Yes, I needed help, and Alex needed help, and my kind of help wasn’t working.
So I’d like to use this post to share a brief overview of what I wish I’d known then – “then” being the nearly four decades I’d spent living with and loving the Alexes in my life, while trying to control how much the Alexes drank.
What You Need to Know if You Find or are Searching for Half-empty Bottles of Alcohol
The best thing you can do if you are in this situation – or approaching this situation – is to understand what you are dealing with. It is not “normal” to hide alcohol bottles, nor it is “normal” to go looking for them. So what causes people to do either? Understanding this comes in three parts, for which I’ve provided a few key links for further information.
1. Don’t confront until you understand.
- Learning how alcohol changes brain function and how changed brain function in combination with key risk factors explains how someone comes to hide alcohol bottles (they do not “want” to hide them, but their brain is overriding all rational thought because of the nature of the brain disease of alcoholism – one of the addictions). Check out NIDA’s Drugs, Brains and Behavior > Drug Abuse and Addiction (alcohol is considered a drug).
- Assessing the scope of your loved one’s drinking problem helps you appreciate how much is too much; that there really is a drinking problem. Consider using the World Health Organization’s Alcohol Use Disorders Test (AUDIT) for in informal assessment. (The actual screen [test] is on page 18. Question #3 should be read as 4 or more for women and 5 or more for men to account for U.S. standard drink measurements.)
- Understanding the impacts of secondhand drinking (the impacts of coping with your loved one’s drinking behaviors) on you explains how your brain has changed, which helps explain why you might be searching for hidden half-empty bottles. The Health Consequences of Secondhand Drinking
2. Know what you want to say. You may need time for this. You may need to talk with a therapist who specializes in what addiction or substance abuse does to family members or attend a 12-step program that supports family members and friends of people who drink too much or do some further research on what happens to the brains of family members who have been living with secondhand drinking. This post can help with this further reach and getting prepared for what you might say, What to Say to Someone With a Drinking Problem
3. When you are ready, set a date and time to talk. As difficult as this may seem to do (mostly because you want to confront them, now!), you’ll want to have a time when you know there will be no distractions, your loved one will be sober and you will be calm. This also allows you the necessary time to prepare your talking points of what you want to tell them and what you want them to do. You may also want to have a “brokered” conversation. This means having a neutral third party – not an intervention, necessarily – but a neutral, knowledgeable person to help keep the conversation from getting out of control.
To Answer the Title Question – Should I Dump Them Out or ???
No. Dumping out the half-empty bottles of alcohol will not “make” them stop drinking. It will likely add to their shame and self-loathing, however.
So the better approach is to take the above three action steps, as those can lead to real change for both your loved one and yourself. But even better would be to read my latest book published in 2019. This is not so I can sell books but so you can learn about the huge scientific advances that explains the bigger picture in layman’s terms. It’s the culmination of my years of experience as the one searching for half empty bottles (among other things 🙂 ) and the research I’ve done to understand it.
The first half covers alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…).
The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, as well as what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives.
This is the link to the Amazon version. It comes in both paperback and Kindle (which can be read on an iPad or other eReader device). With the Kindle format, you’re able to get it immediately, which may be helpful for right now, and it allows you to read it without anyone knowing, which may also be helpful. It is also sold by other retailers and available in some libraries, as well.
Bottom Line
As you understand all of this, you will be better able to focus on what you can and cannot do. In a nutshell – you can control your brain and therefore your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. You cannot control the brain of another – especially that of someone who has changed the way their brain works as a consequence of their alcohol use disorder. But know, it can and does get better. It will take time (darn!), and it will be a journey. But it is definitely well worth the effort.
If you have further questions, please email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com to schedule a phone call. There is no charge.
______________
Note: This post was first published under this title on March 9, 2014. It was updated September 12, 2021, and again, October 30, 2021. Some comments were posted on the earlier versions.
Lisa Frederiksen
Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)
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As soon as I read the title and saw the picture, I was reminded of how I used to hide bottles of vodka. I knew it was wrong, but I was so ashamed of how much I needed to drink that hiding it was the only way.
You hit the nail on the head when you say that people with a drink problem don’t hide bottles. That is so true and in my opinion, if you are hiding your drinking then that is a sure indication of dependency.
One of the things I was amazed at when I was in rehab was the lengths some of the alcoholics went to to hide their booze. Back of cupboards, in the toilet cistern, underneath clothes in wardrobes, underneath the car seats – anywhere you wouldn’t normally look.
And many also took to decanting their alcohol into juice or cola bottles to make them look non-alcoholic. I have to admit that at the height of my addiction, my first job when bringing home the groceries would be to pour out the fizzy drinks bottle leaving just enough to colour the vodka which I filled it up with. I would then put that bottle at the back of unopened cola bottles, just in case anyone looked in my cupboards – even though at the time I lived alone. (Paranoia is another part of addiction!).
I can’t tell you how much I hated doing that or how much shame I felt. All I know is that at the time, my need for alcohol over-ruled any rational thinking.
Thank God those days are behind me.
Thank you so much for sharing your own experiences, Carolyn. It is incredible the kinds of hiding places and lengths to which one will go to hide their alcohol. But, as you explain, the need for alcohol over-rules any rational thinking, which is at the crux of the brain disease of alcoholism. I’m so happy for you that you’ve done what it takes to put those days behind you, as well. Thanks, again!
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Carolyn. Very helpful…
Bill
As a powerless kid that is all I could do to express my fear and anger – I just wanted it to STOP! It was later that I learned that this was not useful and only increased, as you say, her “shame and self loathing”. I didn’t know that then, and I am glad I don’t have confront that now.
Another great article. Thank You
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, Kyczy. Let’s hope that elementary school curriculum will start to incorporate this kind of information because a parent’s drinking problem affects one in four children before the age of 18 and the chaos – the childhood trauma – of growing up with it sets up one of the key risk factors for developing a drinking or drug misuse problem.
Lisa,
Amazing how I too returned to shameful vignettes of my own-then the solution to recovery, outa my subcortical middle brain and into my neocortex I went, (thanks, long-term practice…). Along with your help, I was reminded of how dysfunctional and quite sick it can get for all involved. While giving a talk to a High School class recently, a student asked this very question about what to do and how to address these issues best. While I supplied her with an adequate answer, you have enlightened me with your great, 1-2-3 response. Always learning from you, Lisa Frederiksen. Thank you!
So glad you like the approach, Herby. And how wonderful you had a high school student feel “safe” enough to ask you such a question – kudos to you for a presentation that set the stage for such an exchange.
Lisa,
You have such an ability to transport your reader through space and time. I went instantly back to my childhood, cowering as the threats to “pour it all out” fell on my father’s deaf ears. Haven’t had that particular memory in a long, long time. Ironically, I also had the memory of standing at my own kitchen sink a few days into sobriety and pouring my own alcohol down the drain. Now that’s a memory worth reliving!
Oh Beth — I can see you there as a little girl. I’m sorry – truly. And something most people do not understand is those kinds of experiences are the very definition of childhood trauma, and childhood trauma is one of the five key risk factors for developing the brain disease of addiction because it changes the child’s brain circuitry making their particular brain more susceptible to drinking (or using drugs) and to the effects of drinking on their brains. In your case, you had three of the five key risk factors – childhood trauma, genetics, social environment – before you had your first drink. The remaining two key risk factors are early use (drinking in adolescence) and mental illness. It’s awesome how you sought and found sobriety, and I agree, pouring your own alcohol down the drain is a memory worth reliving!
Hi Lisa,
While I have not experienced half empty bottles, I have discovered half used drugs and drug paraphernalia at times. Waiting until the right time I think is key. You both have to be able to communicate in a calm manner and that is the perfect time to suggest that someone get treatment in a way that works for them. I also feel that the less labeling, the better. Not using the word alcoholic eases some of the shame and leave that door open to making positive changes. Anyone would be lucky to have your services in a “brokered” conversation! Take care and thanks for an informative post!
I agree, Cathy – less labeling is better, and thank you for the shout out on my “brokered” conversation service. I appreciate you stopping by and adding your comment!!
This is really good, Lisa. Sometimes in the midst of a crisis we need to have a plan at our fingertips. You provide that here. And what good sense it makes to push away from the table for a bit of time and formulate an approach. I especially like “Don’t confront until you understand.” In such a situation, knee-jerk reactions are more than understandable. However, calm and reason go a looong way toward helping things go well in the immediate – and looong term. I really enjoyed Carolyn’s comment, by the way. You’ve been there, Lisa, and you’re passionate. Makes for more than worthy material. Thank You!!!
Bill
Thanks, Bill. Boy I spent ages and countless hours shooting from the hip with my various loved ones. It never worked and now I know why – which at least helps with letting go of resentments. I appreciate you stopping by and always love your insights and feedback.
Once again Lisa, you capture an issue and make it real – day to day – for your readers. You give good practical answers to the ‘every day problem’ of the many people in this situation! Thank you!
Thanks, Leslie – I appreciate you reading and adding your comment!
Hi, Lisa. I remember being 14 or 15 years old, standing over the bathroom sink, watching the beer glunk, glunk, glunk out of the tall cans at snail’s pace. I remember wishing the beer would come out faster so I could run back into my room and the lock the door before my alcoholic loved one could come charging into the room – screaming at me, throwing stuff at me or worse, grabbing, shaking me, hitting me. Over the course of my life, I probably spent collective whole days searching for “the stash” of cans and bottles – and dumping them out. I thought I was helping my alcoholic loved one by getting rid of the “poison.” I thought eventually this person would get exhausted by the hiding and my dumping them out – and give it all up. When I found those cans and bottles, I felt the satisfaction of a detective with a solved mystery. I didn’t understand until well into twenties, that I was 100% hurting myself and the alcoholic by doing this. Thank you for breaking it down to so accurately explain why.
Ohhhhh Jody – wow – you are truly an inspiration having survived all you’ve been through and THRIVED! It’s wonderful what you are doing to help children who are living in homes like the one in which you grew up. For readers with children, I urge you to check out Jody’s work – she has videos, books and blog posts that can help – http://www.jodylamb.com
I was 7 when I started emptying the hidden gin bottles. Didn’t know what else to do. Thought I was helping, but it really just stirred up my mother’s rage. She died a slow, painful death from cirrhosis, when I was only 15. All fine to suggest an adult has a problem if she is searching for hidden bottles. What is a child to do?
I’m so so sorry your childhood was taken by this family disease, Gaynelle. And with what was known then and still, for the most part, believed, today, a child remains utterly powerless growing up with a parent who has this disease when there is no one else to help them (the child) understand it, let alone to effectively protect them (the child).
Today, however, we do have new research and we MUST develop new methods of reaching children who have no idea they need to be reached, in order to share this research and help them. On this topic, I wrote this post, Giving Children the Science of the Brain to Break the Cycles, in hopes it will inspire elementary school education and even relevant pre-school education, with accompanying messages home… http://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/2014/06/25/giving-children-science-brain-break-cycles/, as a step in this direction.
I need help approaching my sister. She is separated from her husband and has been staying with us since Christmas. Her behavior has always been flaky and unreliable and I am assuming she’s depressed. So, I hadn’t really taken notice of her behavior otherwise. I went to her closet for wrapping paper for a gift and discovered several bottles of wine and vodka stashed. I don’t even know where to begin talking to her. I’m afraid for her safety, but most importantly my children’s safety. I have two under 5. She also has a son that has been here on the weekends. That aside, I know I need to talk to her, but I don’t even know where to begin. Our mother is an alcoholic/drug addict and I dealt with all of this as a teenager and made sure my sister and brother never saw the really nasty side of this. I feel like it’s happening all over again. I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I’m already frustrated with her decision making even before I found the alcohol. Now, I’m just stumped. Can anyone please show me where to start? Thank you.
I can definitely help you, Tracy – please contact me through my email at lisaf@BreakingThecycles.com, and we can take it from there. There’s no charge – I’m happy to help.
i got my sister into rehab, she was 4 weeks sober and now is secretly drinking, she wraps the bottles in towels before putting in the bin, i havent found her secret stash and quite frankly not going to look, instead im going to move out and look after myself
I’m so sorry to hear your sister has relapsed Teresa. You may wish to check out my Quick Guide to Addiction Recovery: What Helps, What Doesn’t. Not that there is anything you should be doing differently, but it may contain resources that can help you better understand what happens and what you can do to help yourself going forward. Take care. Lisa
[Here’s the link: https://www.amazon.com/Quick-Guide-Addiction-Recovery-Doesnt-ebook/dp/B00OYV3B7U#nav-subnav%5D
I just had a new washing machine delivered and when they took out the old one, low and behold there was an empty bottle behind it. This bottle belongs to my son who was living with me for about 3 months. I knew he was still drinking and I could not have him living with me it is way to stressful. I am 71 and he is 44. He has been in and out of rehabs for the last 27 years. He is now living in a sober house, but I know he is still drinking, all the signs are there. I am sure it will be just a question of time before they ask him to leave. At this point I can no longer support him financially or emotionally. He has been given a dual diagnosis. I think we have been through about 23 rehabs. Are there some people that will never stop drinking. My point to him as been, that since he is also a diabetic (Type1) that he has to control that or it will kill him, but that reasoning just not sink in to his brain. I do know alcoholism is a disease, but if you can offer any solutions as to why some people just cannot stop drinking I would love to hear from you.
Hi Nancy – I’m so sorry. Please give me a call at 650-362-3026 (there is no charge), and I can talk with you about your concerns and what you might do. If I don’t answer, I will call you back. Lisa
My husband went to a rehab center for 2 months been doing real good.. going to AA MEETINGS. . ON regular bases been almost 90 days.. has talked to others with problem been really proud of him tell him all the time..tonight he’s at a meeting and a gathering and a couple speakers.. but i found a empty bottle dont know how to approach dont want to send him down the wrong road.. any suggestions
Hi Karren – please give me a call on my office line, 650-362-3026, and we can talk about this. I’m on PST and if I don’t answer, I will call you back. Lisa
I am in the middle of dealing with somebody who I think is hiding alcohol from me. Her family and I confronted her about her excessive drinking we all had bottom lines. For 80 days she was attending meetings twice a week and was doing well. The last several weeks I noticed she has been working late and can’t make the meetings. It has made me paranoid about her hiding alcohol. Last night she had an odor of alcohol and it made me start searching our room where I found a mini vodka bottle. I waited till the next day to confront her in a calm manner she is sticking to it was an old bottle she found in the car and she didn’t want me to judge her so she hid it and was going to throw it a way. I found it wrapped in a paper towel hidden in clothes beside our bed. I am confused on what to do.
Hi Gj – please send me an email at lisaf@breakingtheycles.com, and we can set up a phone call to talk about this. Lisa
Im not sure if this thread is still active but ive been catchi g my own loved o e hidi g bottles for about 2 years. I finally asked for them to not drink hard liquor any more around me or in our home, or they could sleep somewhere else or move out. They have blatantly ignored my plea and i still find empty bottles around. Ive tried to be understanding but They dont respect me and im wo dering if i should confront them and may e hold true to my word about making them move out.
Hi Chels – please feel free to send me an email at lisaf@breakingthecycles.com if you’d like to set up a time for a phone call to talk about t his. There is no charge. ~Lisa
I found this by googling whether to dump the full vodka bottle “hidden” in the freezer under the frozen meat I was taking out for dinner. I initially confronted him with it, he said dump it (he is already drunk) then started yelling at me so I set it down on his end table where it is still sitting and he is passed out. I’m tired of dealing with the disease, he has been told he has beginning stage cirrhosis and was in the hospital last month with inflamed esophagus and a hiatal hernia. Since then he has been sober for only a handful of days. He had a follow up with the gastroenterologist who said he needed to stop drinking and eat more protein. So of course his take away from that is that he needs to eat more meat (in his eyes the only meat that has protein is beef). We have been married 30 years, I’m tired and just so sad that this is his life and mine. financially it’s hard for me to leave, so I’m working on paying my bills down.
Hi Shelly – please feel free to email me at lisaf@breakingthecycles.com if you’d like to set up a time to talk about this. There is no charge. Lisa
I didn’t go looking for bottles but I’ve found three different half-empty ones all in upper cabinets in the last two weeks. I can’t help but feel paranoid about it because I’m short so I suspect they’re up high in an attempt to hide them.
My mother was an alcoholic and I have a strong knee-jerk reaction to the situation. I want to confront my loved one but at the same time I know it’s the wrong approach. Trying to find time to think it through and figure out what to say is hard.
Feel free to email me, Kaye, if you’d like to schedule a time to talk (no charge) – lisaf@breakingthecycles.com
I don’t know if this is still active. My husband has always been a drinker, me as well, but socially. Once we got married and had our daughter my drinking really slowed down and I barely drink now. Over the years his drinking has increased. Due to Covid he doesn’t go out now but he drinks steadily at home every night. We’ve had calm serious talks about it, in depth and recently he has agreed with me that he abuses alcohol and needs to find other coping mechanisms and he bought a bunch of books about how to limit your drinking and he’s spoken with his therapist about it. He knows that if things dont change that I will likely leave him (though it would break my heart). He was doing great and can abstain from drinking for periods of time (he just did for 30 days) but then once he starts drinking he goes right back to drinking everyday. We have a bar in our basement that doesn’t really have any liquor or alcohol there but he buys stuff and puts it in the cabinets so i don’t see it and he goes downstairs and drinks by himself and then comes upstairs as though he didn’t. He says its because he doesn’t want to drink in front of our 5 yr old (I should mention I’m pregnant). I just found a bottle of wine and another half bottle he drank this morning. I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m nervous to have this baby with him the way he is now. Any advice? He’s such a wonderful man.
Thank you for reaching out, TAS, and I am sorry you are going through this. I can absolutely relate to what you’re experiencing as I’ve been there myself.
It’s best if we have a phone, Zoom or What’sApp call – there is no charge – as typically one answer leads to more questions. Send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can arrange a time for this. I live in CA so am on PST. In the meantime, you may want to order my latest book, which is linked below. The first half explains alcohol use disorders – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…). The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, as well as what they can do to take back control of their own physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives. The book comes in both paperback and Kindle (or other eReader formats). With the eReader or Kindle formats you’re able to get it immediately, which may be helpful for right now (and no one will know you’re reading it).
10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much. https://www.amazon.com/10th-Anniversary-Loved-Youd-Stop/dp/0981684483
I’m extremely interested in this book. I went to Amazon to purchase the kindle version but it’s only available in paperback. Is there another way to get this book in eReader form?C
I’ve just learned that Amazon Books has had a “glitch” dropping untold numbers of eBooks — it’s supposed to be fixed by the end of this week (11/20/21). I’ve confirmed Barnes & Noble’s Nook (eBook) version is available – here’s the link, https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/10th-anniversary-edition-if-you-loved-me-youd-stop-lisa-frederiksen/1133494972?ean=9780990790013
Hello Lisa –
I just finished reading your newest book “If you Loved me You’ STOP!” When I read the title I knew I needed the book as I have said this over and over again to my Husband. My story is not much different from others. My husband is a “closet drinker”. He never drinks around anyone and then just shows up drunk or having been heavily drinking. He thinks it doesn’t change his behaviors, when it is so blatantly obvious. We have been married for 25 years and this has been an on again, off again problem for the most of it. We have 4 grown children. I find empty bottles all the time and have done everything everyone else has done from emptying them, to lining them up on the counter, to throwing them at him, you name it. I have learned through my readings that this is never going to work. However, my biggest issue is the lying. He can come home having been drinking, or go to the garage, or to the store (i’ve never known someone to have a love affair with going to the store for the stupidest things like he does) and I can tell by just looking at him he has been drinking, not to mention the smell. He will flat out lie over and over again making me feel like I’m the crazy one (sometimes he’s so convincing that I fall into the trap of believing him). Only when I actually “catch him” in the act will he admit it. He is currently in an out patient rehab program 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. I’m convinced he is still drinking (but trying to quit and admits he has a problem) what I can’t deal with is the constant lying. I am always trying to find evidence to prove to him I know he is (tracking him, store receipts, searching for evidence etc.) I know this is wrong, but I do not know what to do about the lying. The trust is completely gone and I don’t believe a word he says! I’m so sad. I love him so much, I just don’t know how to deal with the untruthfulness.
Hi Staci,
I’m so sorry to hear of what you’re going through. The lying is so tough to understand, let alone deal with. I’d be happy to schedule a call with you to talk about it – there is no charge. If you’re interested, please send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com and we can arrange a time.
Lisa
I dump them. Too bad. So the flies are supposed to drink the rest, etc.? I just got out of a 9-year marriage with a functioning alcoholic. Took me 4 years and a real divorce to get him out of my house. Good riddance! That is the last alcoholic (of 2) I will deal with. Our story goes much deeper, but I now have such resentment against him and others like him.
Hi
Is this thread still active. Partner is deep into alcohol adduction and is calling it a ‘blip’
I’m exhausted.
Hello,
Yes, this thread is still active. This is Lisa, author of this post. If you’d like to schedule a phone call (no charge), please send an email to lisaf@breakingthecycles.com. As mentioned in the post, you may also want to read my latest book linked in the article.