Affected by Secondhand Drinking – How Do You Know?
How do you know if you’re affected by secondhand drinking?
For those new to this concept, secondhand drinking is a term to describe the negative impacts of a person’s drinking behaviors on others. Drinking behaviors are the behaviors a person exhibits when they’ve consumed more alcohol than their liver can process, which allows the chemical in alcoholic beverages to interrupt normal brain function. Change brain function, you change behaviors. As for drinking behaviors, these include: verbal, physical or emotional abuse; driving while impaired; “falling asleep” most nights right after dinner (and the beers and wine consumed after work); sexual assault or unplanned sex; illogical, circular arguments; saying mean, hurtful things; going off on random tangents; being especially loving or attentive and expecting it to be reciprocated; blackouts and not remembering what was said or done the night before.
To better understand how deeply secondhand drinking affects a person, read (or listen) to 16 year old Nadrea Singala, ‘With a Perspective,’ on KQED.org, in which she shares, “I’m 16 years old and drugs have always been a part of my life. Not because I use them, but because my mom is an alcoholic. …Drugs don’t only affect the addict. They affect the children and family members and friends of the people using them.”
Affected by Secondhand Drinking – How Do You Know if You Are or Have Been?
It’s simple.
If you are concerned, fretting or talking about someone’s drinking behaviors, secondhand drinking is a problem.
This simple screen makes sense when you think about it.
Would you ever be worried, concerned or talking about how much water a person drinks? Would you ever excuse your spouse saying mean, nasty things to you, or your best friend getting a DUI, or your father-in-law’s rude comments at dinner if they’d consumed eight glasses of water over the course of an evening?
Of course not.
Yet, when someone we know has been drinking alcohol, we think nothing of offering excuses for these kinds of behaviors, such as: “He didn’t mean to – he’d just had too much to drink,” or “Everyone was drinking at the party, I guess she didn’t realize she was too drunk to drive,” or “He’s normally a really nice guy – he’d just mixed beer, bourbon and wine.”
As for why we offer these excuses, that’s a whole other article topic.
What to Do to Protect Yourself Against Secondhand Drinking
Basically, it comes down to taking a stand against drinking behaviors — not the person, the drinking behaviors. And to take a stand against drinking behaviors is to embrace the fact that you CANNOT change a brain, therefore behaviors, of a person who is already showing drinking behaviors. Again, this is because the chemical in alcoholic beverages (ethyl alcohol) has changed brain function. To better understand how, check out this post, Understand How the Body Processes Alcohol – Reduce Secondhand Drinking.
Once drinking behaviors have begun, the only thing you can do is to protect yourself. The following suggestions may help:
- Quietly leaving a party or room without announcing you are going. You don’t owe the person an explanation.
You do not have to make it OK for them to let you leave. The same holds true of accepting a ride or giving a ride to someone who has been drinking heavily. If you feel responsible for their ride home, call them a cab. - Realizing there is no point trying to make a logical or rational point with someone exhibiting drinking behaviors.
At that point, their brain is not functioning normally so they cannot process what you say the way a “normal” brain (person) would.
But what about before a person starts exhibiting drinking behaviors? What can you do to protect yourself and prevent exposure in the first place? For this and other protection and prevention information, I suggest you read my Quick Guide to Secondhand Drinking: A Phenomenon That Affects Millions. (This is the link to the Amazon version.)
With 90 million Americans affected, you’ll want to check it out. Even if you don’t think secondhand drinking affects you personally as the spouse, child, parent or sibling of a person who drinks too much, or as an HR manager, teacher, law enforcement officer, therapist or the neighbor next door, you’d be surprised how it does. Additionally, it’s a quick read, and its protection and prevention messages may be just what you’ve been looking for but could never put your finger on why.
© 2014 Lisa Frederiksen
Lisa Frederiksen
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Great information here, Lisa for many people are suffering from the Secondhand Drinking of a loved one. Sometimes it takes awhile to even understand that you are suffering because it is easy to be in denial and make excuses for a person’s behavior. You are such a great source of information and I know your Guide will be a valuable resource for many.
Thank you, Cathy, and you are so right – “sometimes it takes a while to even understand that you are suffering.” Hopefully by focusing on the negative impacts of a person’s drinking behaviors on others (in other words, SHD), people start to recognize these behaviors as unacceptable – not the person – the behaviors and then look for answers on how to protect oneself from these behaviors.
I continue to marvel, Lisa, at your capacity to explain secondhand drinking and drugging. This information is incredibly important to all of us; probably most useful to young people who may think their home situations are weird and assume no one else could possibly understand.
As with everything, it’s all about communication! Kudos for another terrific post and for your Quick Guide to Secondhand Drinking.
Keep ’em coming!
So appreciate this, Beth! And thanks for all your help with spreading the word about secondhand drinking and drugging.
Hiya’ Lisa. You make such an excellent point. I mean, if someone is new to the concept of secondhand drinking (which you’ve pioneered), how the heck would they know if they’re a victim? And in your steady, detailed manner – you lay it out. That’s just what you do. I especially like the concept of taking a stand against the behavior, not the person. So many people are deeply hurt by SHD, yet the concept remains new news to many. You’re doing all you can to change that, and I’m thinking your Quick Guide will help.
Appreciate all you do, Lisa…
Bill
Thank you, Bill. I’m glad the importance of taking the stand against drinking behaviors and not the person comes through. By talking to these behaviors, without blaming and shaming, we help all concerned understand SHD is real and it has real consequences far beyond those experienced by the person who drinks too much.