Setting boundaries with addicted family members – Why do we keep moving them? And how do we know they’re an addict or alcoholic? Does that even matter?

I remember those days…

If you drink, again, I’m leaving.

If you get another DUI, I’m done!

OK. I can go along with you only drinking on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday nights — but no more than that!

And with each boundary (and let me say, there were thousands set and thousands moved, some with the person and some with just myself, and oddly enough, there were different ones with different loved ones over the decades), the underlying theme was always, If you loved me, you’d stop! And since you don’t stop, I must be doing something wrong. I must not be good enough. There must be something I can do to make you want to stop.

And the confounding part of it was knowing in my heart of hearts they meant it when they PROMISED to do as we’d agreed or I meant it when I set one with myself. So if they (or I) didn’t/couldn’t keep those promises, then what was “it?” Maybe if I just ______________ (i.e., set a new boundary), then….

So why is it so hard to set a boundary and stick to it? And why is it so hard for our substance misusing loved ones to keep the boundaries they agree to? And how in the world do they continually come up with some plausible rationalization or counter attack that tips the balance and sends us off, moving our boundaries, again? Above all, why can’t they just stop!?!

[But before I continue, there’s been a great deal of research and advanced understandings about the term addiction (drug addiction or alcoholism), which is now diagnosed as a severe substance use disorder, as well as the terms alcohol or drug abuse; addict or alcoholic. This article provides clarification. For the purposes of this article, I’ll use the terms most of society still uses.]

Why We Keep Moving Our Boundaries With Addicted Family Members

It can take someone who lives with a non-recovering alcoholic|drug addict or excessive drinker|drug user years before they even think they may need outside help, let alone seek it. There are several reasons for this:

• Love and the memory of the love and the relationship that was there before the abusive or addicted-type drinking or drug use took hold.
• The belief that the alcoholic|drug addict can reduce how much they drink or use, if he or she really wants to.
• Not understanding that if someone is drinking or using drugs and has the brain disease of addiction, they drink or use because their brain is telling them they have to, not because they want to.
• The belief that you can somehow make a difference and so you try everything you can to make the difference, which perpetuates the problem because it continues the denial that your loved one’s drinking or drug use IS the problem.
• The conditioning you may have received if there was addiction or substance abuse (or some other “dysfunction”) in your family of origin (which could be in your parents or your grandparents, siblings, aunts or uncles).
• Lack of knowledge about normal vs abuse vs addiction when it comes to using drugs or alcohol.
• The gradual, insidious progression of the disease of addiction.
• And perhaps the biggest one of all – the stigma and shame that surrounds all-things addiction because of the common belief that addiction is a choice, a character defect, a lack of willpower.

Why Moving Boundaries Doesn’t Work

Moving boundaries (in the sense of not sticking to the one you’d set) never works because addiction is a chronic, often relapsing brain disease. Disease by its simplest definition is something that changes cells in a negative way. When cells change in an organ, the health and function of the organ also changes.

Addiction changes how cells in the brain communicate with one another, and given the brain controls everything we think, feel, say and do, it’s those changes that change brain function and therefore a person’s behaviors (including their lying, cheating, stealing; saying mean, nasty things; breaking promises to stop or cut down).

Thus as long as a person with the disease of addiction uses ANY amount of the substance to which they are addicted, that person’s behaviors will not / cannot change. And all of our misguided attempts to set boundaries that we ultimately don’t keep only erodes the person we are / were meant to be. This is not to say there aren’t HEALTHY boundaries – there are – but typically, we try to set boundaries around their continued use or around excusing their continued use because we’re not really ready to enforce the boundary we set (such as, “I’m leaving if you use, again.”).

So think of it this way: if your loved one is powerless over their brain (their addiction; their behaviors) if they use, you are most definitely powerless over their brain (their addiction; their behaviors) when they use. Understanding that addiction is a brain disease helped me to let go of my blaming, shaming, attempts to manipulate a solution, hurt feelings and anger. I could finally understand it wasn’t “them” doing it to me, it was their brain powerless over their behaviors when alcohol or drugs were in their system.

And it’s important to note – the behavioral changes occur when a person uses more of their drug or alcohol than their body can metabolized (get rid of). In other words, a person does not have to be an addict or alcoholic (have the disease of addiction). The behavioral changes I’m talking about, whether a person is an addict or “simply” misuses drugs or alcohol (aka abuses drugs or alcohol), include:

• Verbally, physically or emotionally abusing someone – often a spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend or child.
• Being inconsistent in one’s behaviors (more loving or solicitous or more offensive and nit-picking than when not drinking or using, as examples); pursuing insane, circular arguments or trains of illogical thought.
• Doing poorly at work or school because of the drinking / drug use or recovering from the drinking / drug use.
• Fighting with loved ones about the drinking or drug use; getting physically violent while under the influence.
• Experiencing blackouts (not “remembering” what was said or done).
• Getting a DUI; driving while under the influence of alcohol.
• Having unplanned, unwanted or unprotected sex; date rape.

So the bottom line in all of this is the behaviors. If you do not like the behaviors your loved one exhibits when they drink or use drugs – that’s the issue. Not them (because remember, it’s brain changes caused by the chemical in drugs or alcohol changing brain function), not how much or how often – it’s the drinking or drugging behaviors caused by their drinking or drug use.

How to Prepare to Set and Stick To the Boundaries We Need to / Want to Set

The first thing is to understand is that it’s OK to not want to live this way anymore. In other words, your boundary does not have to be agreeable to anyone else but you. You only have one crack at this life and deserve to live it as you want to live it. Now I realize actually believing this is far beyond easier said than done at this point in time and that getting to the place of actually believing this will take time, but hearing (reading) this can be a first step to your considering these suggestions:

1.  Learn about the brain disease of addiction, including the five key risk factors that contribute to a person developing the disease (yes, developing – people are not born addicts/alcoholics), which include: mental illness, childhood trauma, genetics, early use and social environment.

2.  Gain more understanding about Why Addicts | Alcoholics Lie, Cheat and Steal from those they love the most.

3.  Understand The Dance of the Family Disease of Addiction and that you’ve been deeply changed, too – check out The Brain and the Secondhand Drinking Connection, as well.

4.  Understand that for all concerned, change requires changing brain maps because brain maps are our habits – how we cope, how we react. Check out Understand Brain Maps | Change a Habit | Change Your Life.

5.  Know you will always be triggered to fall back into your old dance, i.e., your old way of coping, BUT you don’t have to fall back into your old ways of reacting. Check out Courage to Change the Things I Can and Master of Manipulation – the Disease of Addiction.

6. Get help for yourself.

More Information and Answers

I suggest you to read my latest book published in 2019 — not so I can sell books but so you can learn about the huge scientific advances that explains all of this in layman’s terms.

The first half covers alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…).

The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, as well as what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives. As importantly for readers of this post, it explains how to set boundaries with addicted family members.

This is the link to the Amazon version. It comes in both paperback and Kindle (which can be read on an iPad or other eReader device). With the Kindle format, you’re able to get it immediately, which may be helpful for right now, and it allows you to read it without anyone knowing, which may also be helpful. It is also sold by other retailers and available in some libraries, as well.

And, as always, feel free to email at (lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com) to arrange a phone call if you have further questions. There is no charge.

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Note: This post was originally published 1/4/2015. It was updated in January 2020.

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Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com

Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.

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