Why You Can’t Change the Way an Alcoholic Thinks
Why You Can’t Change the Way an Alcoholic Thinks has a lot to do with understanding the “wishful thinking” that goes on as the result of the brain changes caused by alcohol abuse and the brain disease of alcoholism / addiction. Understanding this can help those who love an alcoholic or someone who drinks too much, too often, not get caught up in the craziness.
Wishful Thinking Alcoholics Believe
“The only reason I got a DUI was because I was talking on my cell phone.”
“I know we agreed I wouldn’t drink, but I’m going to have to drink at this party, otherwise everyone will think something’s wrong.”
Why You Can’t Change the Way an Alcoholic Thinks – understanding this can help family members and friends.These are the kinds of explanations that make perfect sense to an individual engaged in active alcohol abuse or addiction. In the first one, there is no consideration given to the fact that alcohol must have been present in their bloodstream, otherwise there’d have been no DUI. And, in the second one…well…
But it’s this kind of wishful thinking that slowly drives the family members of a person who has a problem with drinking to adapt and mold and convolute their thinking in order to somehow make this kind of logic make sense or worse, to become consumed with the insanity of arguing the inarguable. Someone who “thinks” this way (like those of the people making the opening statements) cannot be reasoned with, nor are they about to change their reasoning skills just because you yell or argue or point out just how stupid they sound. And, the fallout for those who try is that they often start trying to control other lives (e.g., their children’s lives) or double their efforts to control the drinking (e.g., making sure everything is done to perfection so there is nothing that can be criticized or used as a reason to drink), and in the process, they lose sight of themselves.
Why You Can’t Change the Way an Alcoholic Thinks
As I mentioned in my last post, you cannot change the “thinking” of an alcoholic because their brain circuitry has been compromised by the chemical and structural changes that occur with the disease of addiction. All you can do is change how you think and how you react. Quoting from one of the books of daily readings in AlAnon, “Focusing on ourselves actually allows us to release other people to solve their own problems and frees us to find contentment and even happiness for ourselves.” [From Survival to Recovery, p. 75]
This will also free you to love that person and to respect them for their Herculean attempts to battle (because they really do try every moment of every day to not do what they do) a disease they do not fully understand.
[P.S. This is not to say the alcoholic cannot stop drinking. They can. And, successful treatment of the disease requires they do (stop drinking). But he or she has to be the one to do it. You, the person who loves them, can share the facts of what you’ve learned about addiction, share (when you’re certain what they are) your boundaries around their drinking behaviors and then accept that YOU cannot be the one to somehow make them stop. I’d love your thoughts and experiences… sharing them will help all of us better understand this family disease and how people cope / change / break the cycles.]
For More Information
About addiction, visit NIDA’s website, “Drugs, Brains, and Behaviors: The Science of Addiction.”
About treating addiction, visit NIDA’s website, “Principles of Effective Treatment: A Research Based Guide.”
Lisa Frederiksen
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Hi Lisa,
I’ve been reading a book recently that suggests something similar to your argument. It says that if those close to an addict/alcoholic want to affect change, the best they can do is change their own behavior, mostly by giving consistent signals, and stop resisting the addictive behavior.
And there you go picking up on that right here!