If a person suddenly looses their sight, you will not help them, nor yourself, if you say, “Here, let me have the cane, and I’ll strap you on my back since I can see so that you don’t get hurt.” Helping the alcoholic in recovery takes a similar commitment.

Perhaps the most important thing for helping the alcoholic in recovery is to understand the brain disease of addiction. Why is this important?

Often when an alcoholic begins recovery (whether that be entering a treatment program, attending AA meetings, engaging in therapy or …), the tendency is for the family members to carry on in their role of “helping.” Instead of helping our loved one control their drinking, we’re now going to help them avoid a slip or a relapse or avoid our worst nightmare, their giving up on treatment all together. And, so we dig in with the same will and determination to make sure they do their recovery “right” and start in with efforts such as, “Did you go to a meeting, today?” “Shouldn’t you call your sponsor?” “I thought you were going to do your 4th step this week-end.”

All of these questions are meant with the best of intention, but just as the nagging, shaming and manipulations did not work to “help” them stop or control their drinking, neither will our nagging, shaming and manipulations work to “help” them recover. Why?

Understanding the alcoholic’s brain disease can help with helping the alcoholic in recovery

Because the alcoholic’s brain has been chemically and structurally altered by their alcohol abuse and their brain disease of addiction; removing the alcohol means their brains have to “re-wire.”  What do I mean? The human brain consists of billions of brain cells that “talk” to one another via neurotransmitters and synapses. Those that “fire together, wire together” — they form connections, a brain map of sorts, for a particular activity. These connections (brain maps) control every aspect of our bodies and what we do with them — some are conscious, like making a concerted effort to learn a new language, and some just happen, we don’t know how or why.

Take the action of running to stop your child from entering the street in the path of an oncoming car. The physical actions – how fast you start, how loudly you scream, how you scoop your child up while pivoting to shield her from the car – all of those happen without you thinking about how and if or when or how fast or which foot you were going to start with and how many steps you would take. For an alcoholic, their drinking behaviors become similarly wired in that once they have that drink, they are no longer thinking about how much or when or who they hurt or when they should stop and why they shouldn’t drive.

Yet to recover, new wiring has to take place. If you step in to try help them do it, you are robbing your loved one of the opportunity to rewire, to change their brain, so that the cravings, tolerance, physical symptoms, emotional connections, etc., that their brains have mapped and automatically engage in in response to a gazillion cues (sounds, people, places, smells, time of day…) can be replaced with new brain maps – brain maps that allow them to enjoy happy, healthy lives.

Which brings me to the photo I’ve selected. If a person suddenly looses their sight, you will not help them, nor yourself, if you say, “Here, let me have the cane, and I’ll strap you on my back since I can see so that you don’t get hurt.” Guess what happens? In time, your back goes out; the person gets sick and tired of being on your back and starts to squirm, kick and scream; you get really mad that they’re not appreciating all that you’re doing to help them; and you may even have to go in for surgery after herniating a disc in your spine, so now you’ve got to figure out who’s going to take over. And all the while, NOBODY is enjoying life.

Now, if, instead, you gave that person the cane and were there to support them with encouraging words and a willingness to help where it made sense (like driving), then their brain can create new maps that heighten their sense of hearing, their sense of perception, their sense of touch — so that in time, they can live fulfilling, independent lives because their brains have created new brain maps in order to compensate for their loss of sight.

Which brings me to our brain maps. Just as the alcoholic needs to create new brain maps, so do we. Instead of living in fear, for example – a condition deeply mapped after years of living with an alcoholic or alcohol abuse – and reacting in all sorts of unhelpful ways because of that fear, we need to learn to come to grips with the fear – to rewire our brains so that we can think and respond instead of feel and react. But this is whole other post. For now, know that the best thing you can do to help your alcoholic loved one in recovery is to let them do it the way they want to do it.

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Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com

Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.

Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)

• Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
• Resources for Parents of Children with Substance Use and Mental Disorders - October 18, 2022
• 4 Things to Support Brain Health and Function for Recovery - August 30, 2022