Impacts on a child of growing up with alcohol abuse or alcoholism can be far-reaching.

Impacts on children of growing up with alcohol abuse and alcoholism can be life-changing. It can actually change the wiring of a child’s brain (neural circuitry) and thereby change how that child views and copes with the world. These brain changers are primarily related to the impacts on the developing brain of the verbal, physical and emotional abuse that often occurs in a family with untreated, unhealthily discussed alcohol abuse and/or alcoholism. This article by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Child Welfare Information Gateway, “Understanding the Effects of Maltreatment on Brain Development,” explains.

One in four children will be exposed to family alcohol abuse, alcoholism or both before the age of 18. Perhaps understanding the impacts of this for these children can help us better appreciate the importance of raising awareness that alcoholism is a chronic, often relapsing brain disease. It is a developmental disease and always starts with alcohol abuse. Either drinking pattern causes brain changes in the brain of the drinker – brain changes that change that person’s behaviors. When a child does not understand this, they believe somehow they are the cause of their parents behaviors and can spend their childhood trying to do or be something that will make their parent want to stop.

The impacts on children of growing up with alcohol abuse and alcoholism can include:

Guilt – seeing themselves as the cause of their parent’s drinking or the cause of their non-drinking parent’s reaction to the drinker. If I had cleared my plate and done the dishes, she wouldn’t have gotten mad and started yelling at dad about his drinking.

Anxiety – constantly worried about the situation at home — worried about being gone and not able to protect a younger sibling who is still at home; worried about going home and finding a parent passed out; worried about driving with the parent who drinks too much.

Embarrassment – ashamed to have friends over; ashamed to have friends know, believing their parent’s drinking is a reflection of them – that somehow they are as shameful as the parent who drinks too much.

Inability to have close relationships – the inability to trust their parents from one day to the next and the constant disappointment of broken promises causes children to be distrustful of others which in turn causes others to not trust them.

Perfectionism – believing there is one more thing they can do to be “perfect” and somehow that perfection will make everything okay. If I get straight A’s, he’ll be so proud of me and won’t be so worried all the time and quit picking on mom. If I keep the entire house clean and make sure my little sister is being good, she won’t get so mad at dad, and then he won’t drink.

Anger – utter frustration at their own powerlessness (something they are not consciously aware of nor understand) causes deep-seeded anger — at the parent who drinks for not stopping their drinking and at the parent who doesn’t drink for not protecting them and at their fellow students or teachers or friends — often the unwarranted targets of their anger.

Fear – afraid their parent might die; afraid their parents might get divorced; afraid their parent might come to their school play drunk; afraid their parent might “forget” to pick them up; afraid their parents fighting will get so bad, they’ll start hitting.

What can we do to help children growing up with alcohol abuse or alcoholism

We must find ways to help these children who don’t even realize they need help. Teachers, pediatricians, pastors, relatives and/or other adults should do whatever they can to talk about what happens when a family member drinks too much. This kind of talk can be in general terms — the way a person might talk about what might happen if a person doesn’t eat healthy foods and get plenty of exercise or drives too fast and disobeys traffic laws.

Children growing up with alcohol abuse and alcoholism need to understand that the drinking is not their fault; that the drinking causes a lot of confusion and fighting and anger in a family; that it’s important to find someone they can talk to to help them sort out their feelings, explain the disease of alcoholism and help them with what they can do.

To help the adults who can help the children, I urge you to become familiar with all aspects of the brain disease of alcoholism because alcoholism starts with alcohol abuse. For that, I suggest you browse through the website, The Addiction Project. It is produced by HBO in partnership with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) and the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA).

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Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com

Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.

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