Slips and Relapses – Family Members Have Them, Too
Slips and Relapses – family members of someone with a severe alcohol use disorder (aka alcoholic or person with alcoholism) have them, too. This is something we often don’t realize – generally because we don’t understand the dance of the family disease of addiction.
So often in the world of addiction treatment and recovery, the focus is generally on the alcoholic (person with severe alcohol use disorder); on his/her progress, slips and relapses. Something little understood or recognized is that a family member has slips and relapses, too. And by this, I mean “relapse” as going full-tilt back to old flight-or-flight neural networked coping behaviors (e.g., manipulating, raging, retreating, anxiousness) and “slip” as reverting to old coping behaviors but then catching yourself and correcting right away.
Like the person with severe alcohol use disorder, the family member can have slips and relapses, too.
For just like the person with severe alcohol use disorder, a family member in recovery has to really work to change some pretty grooved, embedded brain maps of behaviors and coping . But a family member’s slips and relapses can actually be opportunities for learning, not as reasons to beat him/herself up. Why?
Unlearning years of the repeatedly activated reactionary coping skills and behaviors takes time. So each time a family member ‘does it right’ or sees what went wrong, h/she is one step closer to a new, grooved, HEALTHY brain map for coping.
Family Members of an Alcoholic Have Slips and Relapses, Too – Here are the Signs
In the meantime, knowing some of the signs that a relapse may be lurking can help you, the family member of a loved one with an addiction to alcohol (an alcoholic), take steps to avoid it or minimize its impact. Here are a few:
– Taking on Too Much. For some family members, always doing something is how they keep the negative thoughts at bay. However, taking on more than you can physically and emotionally handle can leave you exhausted, which makes clear-headed thinking even more difficult, which makes reacting and NOT responding more likely. For some, taking on too much also leads to procrastination – feeling overwhelmed by so much to do and not knowing where to start so doing nothing or something else, instead.
– White lies and other dishonest behaviors. When you feel the need to cover up or deny your feelings or values by telling yourself, “It’s no big deal, it’s just a little white lie,” it’s generally a sign an old, ineffective behavior is re-emerging.
– Argumentativeness/Defensiveness. Picking at others and/or defending yourself for small (in the overall scheme of things) or ridiculous points or behaviors are signs you are not dealing with a bigger, underlying issue. Trying to defend yourself against the ‘logic’ of an alcoholic who is not in recovery or in the early part of his/her treatment … well, let’s just say, there can’t be much actual ‘logic.’ Addiction is a chronic, often relapsing brain disease; if active (i.e., not being treated), that brain disease affects the very areas of the brain a person needs to ‘think’ straight and act responsibly.
– Depression. This is not necessarily clinical depression but the sad malaise – “just want to crawl in bed” kind of depression – that often occurs when you are trying to stuff your own feelings or desires in deference to another person’s or because what’s nagging you is “too big” to think through so it feels better not to think at all.
– Resentments. There is a saying in the world of addiction treatment, “An expectation is a resentment under construction.” And resentments are poison for a family member. They keep us stuck in the feeling, whether it be anger, disappointment or feeling sorry for ourselves. To avoid expectations that result in resentments, try to speak your truth – tell the other person what you want or need or are feeling about a given situation. If the other person wants to change or do as you so desire, good for you. If they don’t, they won’t. But, if you don’t tell them, they can’t. It’s the expectation they will do as we desire (or they’ll “just know” what we want because we think they should if they really loved us) that creates the resentment when they don’t do what we expected. That, in turn, sets us up to feel sorry for ourselves or to feel like a victim of the circumstances.
– Other signs include gossiping (which means your focus is on someone else’s business and not your own), feelings of inordinate anger (likely because you don’t know how to cope with the underlying problem) and “yeah, buts” – every time someone (or even you) offers a plausible suggestion to resolve an issue, you say, “Yeah, but…”.
How to Avoid Slips and Relapses
When one of these signs happens, STOP yourself and think more about what is really going on. The emotion you are feeling is a signal; not a fact. [Check out this related post, “Stress – Is It a Stick or a Snake?“] You may want to call someone you trust to talk it through or journal about it or take a walk or make a list. Just know you don’t have to react immediately or continue reacting. As you calm down and take the time to “reason things out,” you’ll likely figure out what’s really going on and be able to respond effectively. [Check out this related post, “Step Away From the Conflict: Change Where You Think.”]
You might also want to ready my latest book, 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much.” The first half explains alcohol use disorders – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place. The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives. The book comes in both paperback and kindle.
Lisa Frederiksen
Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)
- Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
- Resources for Parents of Children with Substance Use and Mental Disorders - October 18, 2022
- 4 Things to Support Brain Health and Function for Recovery - August 30, 2022