A Mother’s Love – a Son’s Alcoholism
A Mother’s love in the face of a Son’s Alcoholism.
A mother writes a painful letter to her son outlining what she can and can no longer do in the face of her son’s alcoholism.
The following is a letter a mother wrote to her son and shared with me to put on this blog in the event it may help other parents. It is beautifully written and shares the pain-filled decision she’s had to make. Names have been replaced by __________ to protect identities.
Dear ________________,
Once again I am writing to insure there is no confusion regarding what I am about to say.
I have never wavered in my love for you ___________, or in my willingness to do whatever was needed for your safety and well being. I have no doubt that you have the strength and determination necessary to reclaim your life. But I have become painfully aware that I cannot do it for you. Nor will you be able to do so yourself if you continue to drink.
It is excruciatingly painful for me to say and to believe, but there is no doubt in my mind that you are an alcoholic. As long as you continue to drink, nothing will improve for you. For my part, I will no longer support your drinking, or ‘look the other way’. I am doing what you have often requested: ‘treating you like a forty year old man’. When you are willing and able to acknowledge all that you have lost, and to accept the truth of how much your life has been destroyed by alcohol, I believe that you have the strength and the will to change things.
As far as I can see, you have two options:
- To quit drinking and do whatever is needed to take back your life;
- Continue deeper and deeper into alcoholism, until it leaves you sick and alone and possibly homeless. It will inevitably, kill you.
If you choose to quit drinking, I will support you in any way I can and offer you two options:
1.) A Residential treatment center where you can live for up to three months and find help and support from people who know the difficulties of alcohol addiction and are themselves struggling toward sobriety. This is what helped _________________ return to the family and life he had lost.
2.) I will allow you to live at home as long as you follow the program and do not drink. Although this sounds like business as usual, it is not.
To live in my house, I will expect you to:
a.) Meet once with a woman who is an expert on alcohol and its effect on the brain.
b.) Connect with a new doctor (whom I will recommend).
c.) Attend DRA (Dual Recovery Anonymous) meetings 2x/week with _____________ and 2x/week with __________, AND 2x/week on your own. There are AA meetings at ____________ and at the big church on __________ that you can walk to.
If you refuse to stop drinking:
1.) It is only a matter of time that you will be homeless which will inevitably lead to hospitalization and/or jail.
2.) There is no reason for you not to move to Reno where I will buy you a house. You can stay inside, and do exactly what you do here: smoke and drink and inevitably, talk to yourself. If you ever find yourself in jail or the hospital, you will have a home to return to. And someone to call if/when you need help.
I will never stop loving you ____________, but I am 72 years old and could die tomorrow. I can no longer afford the stress of living with your drinking and the constant fear and worry of what it might lead to. Today, I know you have lied to me about many things and, because of my love and devotion to you, I have often looked the other way. Or hoped against hope that you were telling me the truth, even when I knew you were not. In accepting that behavior I was not helping either of us. I believe that I have finally awakened to the reality of what I am dealing with. I can only hope that you will do the same.
All my love,
Mom
______________________________
To readers of this post, I (Lisa Frederiksen) am not the author of this letter and the mom who wrote it asked to remain anonymous. I can, however, talk with you via phone or Zoom call to answer questions you may have that are not covered in her letter. There is no charge. If you are interested, please send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com to schedule a call.
Additionally, this post was shared in 2011. There is so much new research and information available now that wasn’t available then. So much that I was motivated to write my latest book, 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much. The first half explains alcohol use disorders – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place. The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives. The book comes in both paperback and kindle.
Sometimes knowing what you are dealing with and what you can and cannot do to change it can help.
Lisa Frederiksen
Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)
- Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
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- 4 Things to Support Brain Health and Function for Recovery - August 30, 2022
Painful to read . . . but oh so very necessary for this mother and her son.
A drug and alcohol counselor told me that only after his father turned him away and stopped enabling him did he get clean and sober. As parents when we shift our behavior it shifts the behavior of our kids even when our kids are 40 year-old adults. Alcoholism stunts emotional growth. This man will need to not only seek support for rehabilitation but also life skills to deal with everyday issues he’s buried with alcohol.
A brave mom to share this. Sending big hugs and bundles of strength. I hope that she is seeking support as well.
My son is 25 and an alcoholic its heart wrenching
Im going to do as this letter says and let him be a grown ass man Im not an enabler for him and have repeatedly told him he is not to have alcohol in my house or to come here drunk but it continues to happen and has driven a huge wedge between my husband and i I hope and pray things turned out for the author and pray it will for my family to as i am to my wits end
I too tell my 52 year old son not to bring drink into my home but he hides it in his trunks or trouser legs I also do not like smoking in my home but he does both he has cost me thousands in repairs through fires and damaged walls that he has hit at new bedroom carpets because of urination the list is endless he even tried to chock me twice .he has a good Job how he copes I do not know he wont pay me a penny for living in my home and has taken cannabis the police say he is not my responsibility but you do feel responsible he falls asleep over his food and is sick in it but he still eats it last night he slept on the stairs .he has lost his mobile nine times since last year because he does not know where he goes I could write a book with the rest .he also takes cocodamol by the box full and has taken cannabis at 76 I feel I cant take it anymore but how do you put your kids out believe me its one of the hardest things to do if anything happened I would blame myself ,I already blame myself wondering if I have done something wrong
Hi Pat – I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. I am not the author of this blog post, but thought you may wish to reach out to Cathy Taughingbaugh. She is a Parent Recovery Coach and could perhaps give you some direction on this – https://cathytaughinbaugh.com/.
Lisa
I ‘m reading this it is my life I don’t know how this happened, my son is 30 he is an alcoholic I’m so tired it’s sad I have been giving him money cause I don’t want him to die from dTs or that’s what I’m telling myself to coo to enable him . He has punched holes in my walls and wakes me up in the middle of the night to argue with me it has been horrible I’m not only dealing with this son but the other is on pills he works and don’t ask me for much but I know he is dying to eventually. Like I ask my what do I do how much can one mother take I’m not well I feel like I’m losing my mind I’m a strong single mom I failed at rising my sons . I want the younger son out I feel horrible but he turns my life upside down. My oldest son just came back home and says he’s going to work on his problem. I don’t know if I’m coming or going how do you just let your kids dye ! We are parents we protect our children well good nite I just needed to vent ! Feeling hopeless
Hi Danita – I’d be happy to schedule a phone call to discuss this with you (no charge). If you’d like to do that, please send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com
Hello Brenda,
I know it is old but I came across your post. I hope you are well and your son has overcome his alcoholism. I’m living it now with my 22 year old son. All I do is worry and live in fear. I never know what to expect. I’m about to turn 50 and it’s draining to watch. It’s affecting my health, work etc. If I beg him not to drink he may stop for a day or two but that’s it. He gets nasty, urinates himself in his sleep and not his former self. He was so sweet and polite growing up. Things have changed drastically and not gor the better. I’m beside myself and don’t know what to do. My son is my life and my entire life revolves around him. Any advice is appreciated more than you could imagine.
Well. That sounds very familiar. Unfortunately, her financial accessibility far exceeds that of mine. Hope her son was receptive to those terms. 🙂
I read this letter, first with interest, and then with confusion. No disrespect intended.
True, he does have some hoops to jump through. And a couple of his options are (1) a paid three-month stint at a treatment center and (2) if he chooses not to do any of the steps, including treatment or actually goes, makes a half-hearted attempt and flunks out, he still gets a free house in Reno.
What? Did I read this right?
What is the incentive for the addict to get sober? And isn’t this more enabling?
It does give the parent a resolution of sorts. With the house in Reno, she doesn’t have to be concerned about a roof over his head. She has done the best that she can and maybe hopes he loses her telephone number. I get that part.
Since I have squandered huge amounts of money on my addicted daughter through the years, I do not have the financial resources for even a three-month treatment center, let alone the purchase of a home.
I sincerely wish them the best.
I agree the letter left me confused as well. I will still buy you a house? Doesnt sou d like Mom has just left the enabler door open. Doubt he will get the help he needs because she still leaves an avenue for him to mess up.
I JUST HAD TO PUT MY 48 YEAR OLD SON OUT BECAUSE OF HIS DRINKING ALL THE TIME I TOOL HIM HOME TO TRY TO HELO HIM BUT HE DID WAS GET HIS DRINK AND LAY DOWN LOOKING AT TV ALL DAY MY FLAT IS A BIG MESS NOW AS HE WILL NOT HELP ME AND KEEP TELLING WHAT TO DO I AM SO UP SET AS I AM A O.A.P. HE MAD WHEN I SAY NO TO GIVING MONEY TO BY DRINK HE IS MAKING ME ILL. CAN ANY ONE HELP ME
I’m so sorry to hear of what you and your son are going through. I’m happy to answer some of your questions if you’d like to send me a private email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com.
Hi Lisa,
I have a son in his late 20’s and is a functioning alcoholic. He is very smart and runs a very successful business. After work he hits the bars and drinks every night. Recently he came home and he told us he wants to give up drinking and if we could help him. He did great the first 4 days and on day 5 he went out with a friend for dinner and came home totally drunk. He repeated the same behavior the next day. It creates a lot of rifts between my husband and me because of this. We would like some advice on how to help him.
Thanks
SS
Hi Sanita – I will send you an email to start this conversation. ~Lisa
Hello Lisa,
My name is Lisa and I have 2 grown sons in their 20’s. They are 22 months apart. They love to drink and my husband and I believe it’s too much when on any given afternoon (Mon-Sun) they drink. They both hold down very good jobs and they both have the same hobby which requires them to make good money and they do. With their pattern of drinking we are very worried that it will just get worse as they get older. We would like some advise on how to approach this situation. Thank you!
Hi Lisa – I’m going to reply to you privately by email. My email is lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com. Thanks for reaching out! Lisa
Thanks for posting this letter. My son is 41 and has been in jail for drugs and now he is on his second probation for DWI. We thought he was doing well….he lived in another town….and cosigned on a used truck. He picked it up, drove back to his town and proceeded to get drunk and wreck the truck. Again, he is on probation. Supposedly he wanted to stop drinking and move back with us. We agreed and a week later he was living with his girlfriend. Why? She drinks and he doesn’t have the rules he does here. He is working…..at least for now. I continue to believe him when he says he is going to get sober, blah, blah, blah. It’s always lie. But as his mother, I think, maybe it’s real this time. I was naïve to believe the “I haven’t had a drink in 2 weeks Mom” line last week and let then borrow my truck for the weekend. Stipulation, no drinking! He brought my truck back at 3:00 Sunday and he was drunk! Not only does that break probation, he drove my truck to my house, which also breaks probation. I am so tired of the continued lies and his being drunk. Of course my fear is him going back to jail and with Covid, it’s even more frightening, losing his job, or possibly drink and drive and kill someone. I want to use your letter to write one to him. Is there anything else I can do to make him understand I’m done? I can’t take the stress of worrying all the time, nor the anger of the lies. Thank you for any suggestions!
Hi Toni,
I’ve just updated this post to explain that I am not the author of this letter and the mom who wrote it asked to remain anonymous. I can, however, talk with you via skype, phone or Zoom call to answer questions you may have that are not covered in her letter. There is no charge. If you are interested, please send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com to schedule a call.
Additionally, this post was shared in 2011. There is so much new research and information available now that wasn’t available then. So much that I was motivated to write my latest book, “10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much.” The first half explains alcohol use disorders – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place. The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives. The book comes in both paperback and kindle.
Sometimes knowing what you are dealing with and what you can and cannot do to change it can help.
I believe my 30 yoa son is a “high-functioning” alcoholic. His last visit my husband and I noticed quite a bit of liquor was missing from various bottles. We asked our son about it…he denied drinking it; in fact, he put the blame on one of his friends who was visiting (the friend was never alone in the house to consume the alcohol). And I found a plastic water bottle which had peppermint schnapps in it. Not sure what to do…
Hi Cara,
I am not the author of this post (it’s a guest post), but I am the founder of the website. I’m so glad you’ve reached out. I offer free phone or Zoom calls to answer reader questions. If you’d like to schedule one, please send me an email to lisaf@BreakingThe Cycles.com. In the meantime, you may want to order my latest book, which is linked below. The first half explains alcohol use disorders – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…). The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, as well as what they can do to take back control of their own physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives. The book comes in both paperback and Kindle (or other eReader formats). With the eReader or Kindle formats you’re able to get it immediately, which may be helpful for right now (and no one will know you’re reading it).
10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much. https://www.amazon.com/10th-Anniversary-Loved-Youd-Stop/dp/0981684483
My son is 54 years old and an alcoholic. In 2004 he lost his job and we let him come to live with us with the stipulation he would go to AA 2x a week, not drink, get a job and pay room and board. If I smelled alcohol, noticed he was slurring or acting like he was drinking he would be out on the street immediately. All went well and he was healthy and his liver had healed until he moved into his own place in fall of 2009. He fell off the wagon within a week and alienated himself from us. This went on until 2012 when he ran off the road into a ditch; if the other side of the road he would have careened down a 300′ steep dropoff and most likely not survived. After this he went to rehab and stayed dry for another 5 years or so. During this time he met and married a woman. Then in 2019 off the wagon again. 2 detox times in the hospital; he refuses to go to rehab for a 5th time in his life. In Jan 2022 he finally lost his job.
I wasn’t the best of mothers but I loved my son and daughter so much. Starting a family when I was only 17 was not wise having both children by the time I was 19. The father was killed by the police in Omaha, Neb when the kids were 2 and 3. He was a monster due to alcoholism. I was still a child myself. I will say my kids always had good food and a roof over their heads and everything they needed materialistically. However, I would yell at them instead of talking with them when they did something wrong. Yelling doesn’t help anything. I’ve apologized until I am blue in the face for 3 decades to both of them. Both have alienated themselves from me now; daughter about 15 years ago and son since Dec 2021. Very sad.
Hi Beverly,
I’m so sorry to hear of what you are and have been going through. I’d be happy to schedule a call with you to talk about it – there is no charge. If you’re interested, please send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can arrange a time.
Lisa
My adult son is an alcoholic just like his abusive father was (now died). He had an inheritance from a grandparent and bought a house with his wife who left him a week later and took half his money. He has now spent all of what was left of the inheritance money. He has a girlfriend living with him but has got so into debt by borrowing over £ 25,000 and now keeps asking me for money. His wages go in a week and £100 in a day. I now know his girlfriend is angry about all the money disappearing and they are not speaking. He blames everyone and everything but himself and tells lies to get money from myself and his sister. what can I do? I love him and would just love to see him living normal life. JH.