Detach With Love? You’ve Got to be Kidding!
Detach with love? You’ve got to be kidding! At least this was my reaction when first presented with this concept years ago.
Detachment | Detach With Love
I’ve been in a number of situations lately where my heart went out to the wives, husbands, children and parents of alcoholics and drug addicts who were brand new to this journey called “recovery.” Their deep, deep pain, anger, desperation, confusion, isolation, longing for it to be better, sadness — and in some cases, numbed silence — waxed and waned as terms swirled through conversations.
Terms like codependent, enabler, SLE, IOP, in-patient, intensive out-patient, AlAnon, NarNon, powerless over alcohol, dual diagnosis and co-addictions were batted about as if they were words in conversations people had everyday with that nice check-out lady at the grocery store. Terms that made no sense, nor could they be viewed as applying to them because they were just trying to get their loved one to stop!
And, then, of course, there were the concepts of “detachment” and “detach with love.” What the heck does that mean? Who’s going to make sure their loved one is safe; doesn’t substance; succeeds in recovery if they “detach?” For some, the idea of “detaching with love” after “all they’ve been through” was just too much.
And when you think about it, it is all too much. It feels like being told you have to learn to read, speak and write German and Chinese [assuming your first language is English] within the next month (the time-period it generally takes for a typical addiction treatment program) or YOU will have failed.
So, for all of you who are new to this, take it slowly. And, by slowly, I mean take it just for today, and in some cases, just for just the next 5 minutes. You do not, nor can you, have all (or even 2) of the answers to what happens next.
To give you a hand, perhaps, here are some previous posts that may help you stay in just for today. Believe it or not, there really will come a time when you can detach with love. For now, however, focus on trying to “detach.” And when all else fails (which it will because this is all so new), focus on your breath and simply breathe. Breathe in; breathe out; breathe in; breathe out. For those brief moments, your mind will detach and give you the moments of much-needed peace you need.
Why All Does Not Seem Better When Your Loved One Stops Drinking
Choosing to Forgive an Alcoholic
P.S. For more information, check out the “Brain Scans | Neuroscience Research” and the “Help for Families | Codependency ” categories listed in the right column.
Lisa Frederiksen
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Hi Lisa,
Your post is so to the point. It is all quite overwhelming and often we don’t know where to turn. It is so important to take it slow. When dealing with substance abuse and addiction, it can feel overwhelming. Thanks for the reminder and links to get more information.
Hi Cathy… boy, I so recall my first several weeks of my loved one’s residential stay for treatment of alcoholism. I was just so overwhelmed, and that was on top of how overwhelmed I’d been for years trying to control the drinking and its fall-out… Thanks for your comment!