Al-Anon – Why Do “Big Boys” Have Trouble Admitting Powerlessness?
Al-Anon is a 12 step program offering help to family members and friends of a loved one who drinks too much. Guests, Ken P., Bob T. and Scott B., share their thoughts on why a relatively small number of men participate and the advantages to their getting involved.
Book by Ken P. and Bob T. “written for a man who is living with an addicted person who still considers addiction a problem that he can solve on his own.” One of their suggestions is Al-Anon.
The following is a guest post from Ken P., Bob T. and Scott B. They included this introduction with their post: “We are three men from Texas with collectively over 50 years in Al-Anon, a 12-step program for those living with an alcoholic. This is a totally unique situation. Even today, only 16% of Al-Anons are men. We wrote this post the day before Halloween in 2007 without the slightest thought that so many would read it. It is accounting for about 11% of the “hits” on our blog now, which has more than 140 posts, so it is obvious that men REALLY DO have trouble admitting powerlessness! Please help us help many other men by forwarding this post to any man you know who would find it sooooooo difficult to admit powerlessness over anything! Many thanks, Ken P., Bob T., and Scott B.”
Why Do “Big Boys” Have Trouble Admitting Powerlessness? by Ken P., Bob T., and Scott B.
The reality of the culture in America today is that men are treated differently from women, starting in early childhood. We are taught the value of self-sufficiency. Throughout our childhoods we are in millions of subtle ways told that we are to be “big boys.”
One aside needs to happen here. There is a profound generational distinction that needs to be made. Men born before about 1950 have much greater difficulty surrendering to the disease of alcoholism. We were raised by fathers who knew first hand the experiences of the Great Depression and WWII. These men lived through circumstances that forced them to mature to self-sufficiency very early, and therefore they had little sympathy for “cry-babies.” A man does not do the following: cry, complain, ask for help, admit defeat, or quit…ever.
12-step programs like AA and Al-Anon require a level of honesty and humility that are so absolutely the opposite of our upbringing. The very first step (below) requires admission of powerlessness over our addiction, and that it is TERRIBLY difficult for most men.
Because of this early conditioning, after all of the “John Wayne” modeling, any man taking the first step has to have reached a bottom that has ripped all personal self esteem from him. The first step says:
“We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.”
I have sponsored many men during the years, and I can tell you that these men tried everything imaginable to either handle their own alcoholism, and/or to “manage” an alcoholic wife (or maybe the alcoholic was a son or a daughter or a mother or a father).
These guys spent sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars on treatment centers, begged and pleaded, sought out countless counselors, called the police, and hauled their wives, daughters and sons to the offices of one physician after another as their bodies deteriorated from the inexorably slow physical and mental decline caused by swallowing alcohol.
If you are such a man, or know one, just direct him to AA or Al-Anon. There, this “Man’s Man” will learn to listen, contemplate, accept help, grow, and overcome his early conditioning. We guarantee that he will not become less manly!
Call: 1-888-4AL-ANON or access: www.al-anon.alateen.org AA is always in the front of every phone book, and the program is all over the net.
To purchase We Codependent Men – We Mute Coyotes on amazon, click here.
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Great post! Men and powerlessness…what a topic. So, here’s some food for thought: Even men born after 1950 share the same problem regarding power as those born prior to 1950. However, they are probably more influenced by feminism than their fathers were/are. But, regardless, here’s the thing–men and women alike will continue to struggle with the notion of being powerless in conjunction with recovery as long as they are not taught the differences between what is powerful vs over-powering. Too often men/fathers who do not, for what ever the reason, deal with the emotional side of life consciously often end up behaving in overpowering ways instead of powerful ways. That dynamic gets passed on to offspring, and is generationally repeated. I wish that our culture understood that men not dealing with feelings makes no more sense than blowing air in to a balloon expecting it not to expand. The results are generally overpowering.
Thanks so much for your insights, Jim — loved this line, “… men not dealing with feelings makes no more sense than blowing air in to a balloon expecting it not to expand.”
Hi Ken P., Bob T. and Scott B. and Lisa,
This is such an important post. I have gone to a number of Al-Anon meetings and of course during the day, it seems to be mostly women. My home meeting is a Sunday afternoon meeting and we have some amazing men there. Several couples attend regularly and we have one single man, we call our “elder.” He has been coming for 14 years and has such wonderful wisdom to share with the group. I love being in a meeting that men attend, and I can honestly say at that meeting more than a third are men. There is also another parents meeting that I go to on Monday night and there are quite a few men at that one as well.
“12-step programs like AA and Al-Anon require a level of honesty and humility that are so absolutely the opposite of our upbringing.” is such a true statement. That’s why it is wonderful to see men attend, and the honesty they share I know at times can be difficult. The more men that come, the more that will follow. Thanks for sharing your insights!
Hi Cathy,
What I also found interesting were the social/cultural training impacts on boys / men — it really ties in with the similar points you made, Cathy, in your post, “Is Our Society Driving Women to Drug Abuse?” http://treatmenttalk.org/is-our-society-driving-women-to-drug-abuse/. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and insights!!
Great posts. Well, I can add that as a woman, I’ve had a lot of resistance to facing my own powerlessness. Reality and Al-Anon showed me over several years I couldn’t control an alcoholic, but denial about my own codependency (aside from reacting to an alcoholic) and issues with myself have been much more difficult. I see the same thing with women I work with. I believe in Western culture we have a tough time letting go of ego and self-will due to values of individualism and Puritanical ethics (hard work, etc.). That being said, the research shows that growing up in a dysfunctional family, both genders learn to deny their needs and disown their feelings. Additionally, underlying shame keeps them stuck. There are plenty of women who may have feelings about others or show emotion, but can’t name feelings about themselves. I detail all of this in “Codependency for Dummies.”
I very much agree with you, Darlene. One of the things about the new brain and addiction-related research “proving” how / why addiction is a chronic, often relapsing brain disease and showing what happens in the brain as a result, is that it helps those of us who have tried to control a loved one’s drinking better understand the scientific reason for “powerless” – step 1 of both AA and Al-Anon. Understanding the alcoholic cannot control their brain (and thus their behaviors) if ANY amount of alcohol is consumed helps the family member understand there is no way they can control that impaired brain nor anything that comes from that person when their brain is impaired. Growing up in a dysfunctional family, as well as the secrecy and shame that surrounds this disease, most definitely perpetuates this family disease and keeps us all stuck. Thanks for your comment!!