Stop Blaming, Start Living
Carolyn Hughes, novelist and blogger at The Hurt Healer. Here she shares Stop Blaming, Start Living.
The following is a guest post by Carolyn Hughes, a freelance writer with special interest in alcohol issues. Carolyn is currently writing The Hurt Healer, a novel based on her own experiences of abuse and alcoholism, and lives in Northern Ireland with her husband and their two daughters. She celebrates 13 years sobriety and says, “My proudest achievement is that my children have never seen me take alcohol or had to live with a drunken mother.” Carolyn can be reached at carolyn.hughes6@btinternet.com, and be sure to visit Carolyn’s blog, The Hurt Healer, to read more of her insightful posts.
Stop Blaming, Start Living by Carolyn Hughes
Alcohol abuse isn’t just a problem for the user but for families too and it’s easy to put life on hold while you play the blame game. Here’s why you need to stop blaming and start living.
If you have been struggling with a drink problem for some time or you are the relation of a drinker, it is likely that you will at some point play the ‘blame game’. That is, blaming the addiction for the life’s problems.
Throughout my 20 years as an alcoholic, I played the blame game constantly to justify my excess and to avoid seeking treatment. Basically, I blamed my mother’s abandonment of me as an infant and my father’s subsequent abuse and neglect for my dependency on drink. As far as I was concerned I had good reason to indulge and no one had the right to judge me. Of course, the reality was that although I had been through a traumatic childhood that didn’t entitle me to self destruct.
As my need for alcohol increased so did my denial, and my excuses for drinking became more varied and ridiculous. In the end if I wanted to take a drink I would blame anything – I drank because I was happy. I drank because I was sad. I drank because it was sunny. I drank because it was raining.
My biggest fear as an alcoholic was that I would have to give up drinking completely because this would involve getting to the root of the problem and I would no longer be able to blame my past.
The terrifying thought of life without self-medication became a reality for me when an alcohol induced suicide attempt nearly ended my life.
It was time to do what many addicts fail to do and that was to take responsibility for my life. I chose to face the demons, make a commitment to sobriety, become accountable for my actions and stop playing the blame game. In doing so I reclaimed my life.
But what if you’re the victim of someone else’s drink problem?
As a family member dealing with the daily financial, emotional and social chaos caused by an alcohol dependant relation, you may feel entitled to play the blame game. After all, it is their problem and their addiction. Indeed it is, but this doesn’t automatically mean a life of constant suffering because of the actions and behaviour of someone else.
The difficulty for anyone who has been living with a drinker for any length of time is the likelihood of learning only to react to situations and striving to keep the peace. However, avoiding confrontation for fear of a verbal or physical retaliation, covering up for the addicts behaviour to friends and work colleagues, refusing social invitations or stopping people from visiting because of the inevitable embarrassing scenes are all signs of enabling. The downward spiral of alcoholism becomes normality and it becomes increasingly difficult to put your own needs first.
Blaming the other person for lack of self-esteem and confidence issues are natural in this situation, yet just as the alcoholic can choose to change, so can you. Even though what you experience is damaging, it is sometimes easier to cling to the familiar out of fear of change, but this continues the game of blame.
“Why should I change, when I’m not addict?” The truth is that denial may prevent the addict from moving forward but this doesn’t have to prevent anyone else from taking some positive steps to change their own circumstances.
Seeking support and making a conscious decision to take responsibility for your emotional well being, physical health and financial situation will help free you from the negative state that you find yourself in. Establish positive connections and make friendships with those who will listen, value and assist you as you cross over from victim to survivor.
So whether you are dependent on drink or dependent on the drinker, take charge of your life. Now is the time to stop blaming and start living!
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Hi Carolyn and Lisa,
I have found myself, even recently looking for someone to blame. When someone in your family is not doing well, you want so desperately to find the cause and it is easier to see what others have done wrong. At some point, you realize that you are not the cause and that you cannot fix the other person, no matter how much you want to and no matter how close they are to you. They have to want it themselves. Thanks for the great post!
Great comment Cathy that they have to want it for themselves. It’s the only way forward!
Great article, Carolyn! These tips can be true for any destructive relationship, whether alcohol is involved or not. Taking charge of your own life is paramount.
Glad you enjoyed it Jessica and you make a great point about taking charge of our own lives.
Carolyn…after being married to an alcoholic for many years, 12 of those years with him being sober to have him start drinking again, was hard on the whole family, there was verbal and emotional abuse leading to physical abuse, that was the last straw for me. I left and found that the one who doesnt drink becomes just as sick as the one who does when in a environment of dysfunction. I through the Lord after 6 years have healed and found comfort in my decisions for me and my children. As for my ex-husband he still “chooses” to be unhealthy! Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Penny I am so sorry that you have had to live through the hell that is ‘living with an alcoholic’ and then to move onto another dysfunctional relationship is very tough. You are obviously an incredible resilient and strong woman.
Thank God you have found comfort and healing and long may that continue.
Candid and powerful as usual, Carolyn. I haven’t had that experience, but I have been that person looking for someone else to blame for things that only I hold the power to change. Introspection and personal accountability are two things that can help almost anyone become a stronger, wiser person.
I am always very impressed with you Carolyn when I read your posts; you have come such a long way plus you know you came out of it. One thing is for sure that blaming others will bring you no good. Confronting yourself with the problem is much more helpful. I think I told you that my sister was an alcoholic; she never had the courage to confront it; very sad. You are a great example to many Carolyn; God bless you!
Thank you for your supportive comments Olga. It is tragic that your sister was an alcoholic, not just for her but for the whole family. One of the reasons I share my story is to help those who have experienced the horrors of alcoholism first hand. Unfortunately some people are just too overwhelmed to recover.
Thank you for your kind and insightful comments Ron. I love what you say about introspection and accountability – very true!
The point of power always lies in taking personal responsibility and putting away the blame game, doesn’t it? Such a touching post, Carolyn, I really appreciate how you put yourself out there, in all truth and honesty, to help others. You are amazing!
You’re right Sherie in that it comes down to taking back your power through taking responsibility. It blesses me to be able to share openly and truthfully because I spent so long hiding my real self behind the bottle.
Thanks so much! This is an excellent post – I appreciate your honesty and authenticity in sharing this story – it’s so true that the first step in truly embracing personal power is taking full responsbility for self and avoiding the tendency of looking for hooks to hang the blame jacket upon ;).
So glad you enjoyed the post Moira! I love your phrase ‘looking for hooks to hand the blame jacket upon’ – sums it up perfectly!
Taking personal responsibility is the key to freedom in so many areas of our lives. It seems like it is difficult but the rewards are priceless! Thanks for this insightful post.
You are so right Becky that personal responsibility can unlock so many areas of our life. Thank you for your comments. They are appreciated!
Carolyn, this is such an important message even for non-alcoholics. Living a life of excuses is living a life of denial. Benjamin Franklin said it well: He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. I always learn something from your writing. Thanks for writing so candidly.
What a great quote Claudia and so true – Making excuses is of no us to anyone. Thank you for your encouraging comments!
Wonderful post Carolyn! What you say is so true, and ultimately the only thing you can control and are responsible is your own actions. Playing the blame game never really helps anyone move forward.
Glad you enjoyed the post Helena! It’s an easy option to play the blame game but as you say it doesn’t take anyone any further to resolving their issues. Thank you so much for your comments.
Excellent post, Carolyn. The blame game is a popular tactic of the alcoholic. Accepting that they are responsible for their choices, including healing their wounds is vital for sobriety. Thanks for these powerful words and suggestions!
Thanks Lisa, It is indeed a tactic and a very effective one because it for the alcoholic it justifies the behaviour, but nothing can change until that person takes responsibility.
Thank you for a very inspiring post. I was married to an alcoholic for almost 23 years. A lot of what you wrote about hit home. When I left, I had all but a thumbnail left of me. It took me realizing that I was worthy of loving and forgiving myself, that I started to heal. I appreciate you sharing from your heart.
So sorry that you have had to live through the hell of being married to an alcoholic ~ when my own husband relapsed after being sober for 12 years it was the worst time in our marriage. Thankfully we managed to overcome it again after a year. But 23 years is like a lifetime! You are incredibly strong to have been able to start again and learn to heal. Keep on loving and forgiving. You can do it and you deserve it.
Thank you for this inspirational post and a gentle reminder to us all to take responsibility and move forward living the best life we can 🙂
It’s so easy to place blame, and it’s even easier to “forget” to look at your own role in the dynamic. I’ve been there, as the enabler. One of my biggest challenges was finding resources to help me figure out what was enabling and what was “managing”. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this sometime. Great article!
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