Coping With Addiction in Your Family? Hang on…
Are you coping with addiction in your family? One of the more difficult things to do in families with addiction, in my opinion, is to “hang on” when things seem to be spiraling out of control. For so long, I never knew there was even a possibility of a different way — it just happened — stressful situation and wham! – spiral.
Sometimes when coping with addiction in the family, it feels like the only thing you can do is hang on. So what can you do?
As I’ve since learned, the “wiring,” so to speak, to spiral was the years of practice I’d had reacting to a loved one’s drinking behaviors, which invariably spilled over into my reactions to just about everything else – my daughter’s “failure” to anticipate what I wanted her to do (always a moving target when I got to spiraling), a friend’s “failure” to fire back a response to my email so “she must be upset with me” or a work colleague’s “failure” to give me the support I needed thus assuming I must have done something wrong — WHEW!!!!!! – that’s a lot of failure!
Through intensive therapy with a therapist who understood and worked with family members affected by a loved one’s substance abuse/addiction and a lot of research on the brain, I finally understand that it was fear that got me spiraling. In the beginning, it was fear that my loved one wouldn’t be able to stay stopped or in control of his/her drinking this time or how was I going to protect myself from their crazy-making drinking behaviors. As time went on, fear over any of the other unknowns in my life could leave me spiraling, afraid to _____________.
Fear of the “what if______” kept me in my knee-jerk reaction mode.
Through my research and therapy, I found that fear was just one of the emotions keeping me stuck – anger was another. And it was when I discovered why emotions keep us so stuck in the part of the brain where neural networks wire to react instead of the part of the brain where neural networks wire to think and respond, that I could really move beyond my fear and other brain-sticking emotions. [Don’t get me wrong, I still spiral from time-to-time, but now I better understand I do have the control to stop the spiral. This concept is described further in “Is It a Stick or a Snake?“]
So, in case fear of the “what if…” is your best friend, too, I heard something several years ago that really helped me: “Feelings aren’t facts.” I like this expression so much, I’ll say it again, “Feelings aren’t facts.” The discussion back then went further and others added that feelings are indicators of how you’re managing your life – so definitely something you want to pay attention to – but they are not the facts of your life. So that’s where, if you can, HOLD ON to your reactions to your feelings of fear until you have a chance to look at them more clearly and decide what’s really going on and what you can realistically do about them – in other words, sort the facts from the feelings – and then, when you’re ready, respond (who knows…you may even find that you really have no need to respond, after all).
Please share the kinds of things that work for you when you feel yourself spiraling out of control. And, I’ll leave you with two photo shared on Facebook recently that may help…
Lisa Frederiksen
Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)
- Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
- Resources for Parents of Children with Substance Use and Mental Disorders - October 18, 2022
- 4 Things to Support Brain Health and Function for Recovery - August 30, 2022
Beautiful article, Lisa, and love the 2 pics. I think everyone spirals out of control once in a while. The way we handle it may be quite different. For me, it’s quiet time….either I shut off my PC, T.V. radio…everything…and refocus. Going for a long walk helps as well. It puts things in another perspective. Talking and sharing with a good friend helps as well.
Thank you, Alexandra, and thanks for sharing how you handle it. I’m also a big fan long walks (and swimming). Take care and thanks again!
Love this and thank you for sharing!
I could relate to so much of what you were describing here especially about the spiralling fears. In this state it is impossible to think rationally and so it is harder to make sensible choices. I totally agree that this is triggered initially by fear and then as the situations repeat themselves such as in the case of living with an alcoholic, you can become almost programmed to react in a certain way.
Breaking out of that pattern of negativity is hard and takes courage. You obviously have huge strength to have overcome it and I’m sure many others will be helped by reading this too!
Thanks so much, Carolyn! The best part of all of this is that I now can appreciate these instances really can pass and that it’s entirely up to me to decide how long they last. Take care and thanks for commenting!!
I love the way you are looking at things in life and yes, holding on to things that we don’t have control over is not always easy, but doable. We are made to overcome our own obstacles!!
So true! Thanks so much for commenting, Olga. Take care.
Great article and just what I needed to hear. I get quiet, unplug, turn up my ipod and go for a walk, even talk to a friend..Sometimes when I say it all out loud I can see more clearly than having it all jumbled up in my head, swirling around.
I’m so glad, Terressa, and thanks so much for sharing what works for you. Take care.
Seems like there are a lot of changes going on in the world right now, and some people are going through rough patches. I’ve learned to think of mine as experiences that will help others at some point and that made them easier to deal with.
Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment, Maria.
WOW! What a treat this was to read! I don’t have many instances of spiraling, but when I feel things are out of control, I step away from the situation to regroup. I think that is what you are suggesting!
Thank you! That’s where I am now – able to step away and regroup – it took a while to get here, though, given the years of conditioning. Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment, Sherry.
A beautiful message. The sharing of yourself is so powerful. Thank you!
You’re welcome and thanks for reading and adding your comment, Martha!!
“Feelings aren’t facts.” Love this part of your post (as well as the amazing visuals). Thinking that they are facts keeps people stuck and you have explained this so well in your wonderful post.
Thanks, Sherie – very much appreciate you adding your comment!
Great message and love those motivational photos, my mind is always going into “what can go wrong” mode and I literally have to yell at myself mentally to stop. When you have been conditioned to respond this way it takes practice to stop, motivational posters definitely help.
I agree — I love these kinds of motivational posters — a great thing about FB, too — they often come through just when you need them! Thanks for reading and adding your comment, Karla!
these are great messages to remember.. you have inspired me to share a few with couple clients.. thinking they can not save their marriage!
Wonderful! Thanks so much for sharing, Barbara. Take care!!
Lisa — thank you for your honesty and authenticity. This is an important topic!
I, too, was transformed by intensive psychotherapy. At the time, I was a teacher and just beginning my 12 Step journey. Because of both of these, I became a counselor myself in 1990.
I love the pictures you used….any way I can get them to post on my fb page?
Hi Meryl, The way I got them was to download them from my Lisa Frederiksen Facebook page — open the news feed to the photo and then you can download from there. If you want to send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, I could just attach and email back to you. So happy you found a good therapist, as well. Take care and thanks for the comment.
Wonderful Article, thank you. It is always about how we look at life.
So true, Carele! Thanks for reading and adding your comment.
Great article, Lisa. “Feelings aren’t facts” is so true. But feelings seem factual in the grips of fear. Thanks!
They sure can!! Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment, Lisa!
This is a timely post for me. I have been going through a lot of challenges this year and love your perspective on it 🙂
Thank you, Anita! It’s one of the great things about blogging and reading other blogs — so often the timing is spot on for reading just what you need to hear at that time. Take care and thanks for commenting!
I’m not sure I’d call it spiraling, Lisa, but I’ve learned that when I start feeling anxiety, it’s because I’ve stayed focused inwardly for too long. I need to look outside myself. And, fortunately, it’s usually enough to go out into the garden and pull weeds … or walk around my neighborhood and count red cars … or whatever. Anything that moves me from “contraction” to “expansion.” And then I find my perspective has returned.
What a great description for what it takes to stop the feeling of anxiety (or in my case, spiraling), Sharon, “Anything that moves me from “contraction” to “expansion.” And then I find my perspective has returned.” So true!! Thanks for reading and sharing what works for you.
Thanks Lisa for a very powerful and inspiring article. I have learned that when fear starts to set in, before things start to really spiral out of control, I turn immediately to gratitude and the fear is gone. I will definitely be sharing this on my social networks. Great stuff!
Thank you, Susan! I agree – gratitude is a wonderful fear stopper! I appreciate you sharing what works for you and passing this along to your network. Take care.
Thanks Lisa for this article. I suffer from PTSD and this is quite the issue for me! I do my job and like to stay home where I feel in control. I still make myself venture out and I have learned to just focus on 1 minute at the time..;)
You are so welcome! I’m so sorry to hear you suffer from PTSD and very much appreciate you sharing your experience and what works for you. Take care.