Recovery Resentment
Recovery resentment – the reason you still feel angry, lonely, hurt, and raw when your loved one is finally in recovery. Author Carolyn Hughes explains.
Carolyn Hughes, Novelist, “The Hurt Healer,” writes about Recovery Resentment
The following is a guest post by Carolyn Hughes, a freelance writer with special interest in alcohol issues. Carolyn is currently writing The Hurt Healer, a novel based on her own experiences of abuse and alcoholism, and lives in Northern Ireland with her husband and their two daughters. She celebrates 13 years sobriety and says, “My proudest achievement is that my children have never seen me take alcohol or had to live with a drunken mother.” Carolyn can be reached at carolyn.hughes6@btinternet.com, and be sure to visit Carolyn’s blog, The Hurt Healer, to read more of her insightful posts. You may also wish to follow her on FaceBook.
Recovery Resentment by Carolyn Hughes
Recovery Resentment – why you still feel hurt and angry after your loved one stops drinking.
You never thought they could, but your loved one has done it! They’ve got sober and everyone is happy. So why do you still feel so infuriated and upset? It’s Recovery Resentment. Here’s some insight into what it is and what to do.
Great news! You’ve survived the hell of living with an alcoholic and they’ve decided to get help. Past experience has led to disappointments and frustration after your loved one has started treatment only to quit, but this time they are adamant they will stick with it. You are cynical but even so, there’s a tiny glimpse of optimism because you never thought this day would come.
They say they are “Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.” So are you. Alcohol has been the root cause of all your problems whether emotional, physical, social or financial. So you indulge in thoughts of a carefree life where drink is not in control.
To your amazement the alcoholic does actually seem to be making a serious attempt at beating the addiction. You’ve no idea what prompted this catalyst for change but you welcome it with open arms. They are following their programme and you notice a real commitment. By some miracle they’ve managed a day, then a week without a drink and they’re on course for their first dry month, six months……
Everyone has noticed a change and you have the feeling you should be elated. Of course you’re pleased that they’re on the right track. Delighted that family life has calmed down. Genuinely relieved that they’ve dumped their drinking buddies and made new sober friendships. Yet there’s something that’s making you sick to the stomach. Why do you still feel angry, lonely, hurt, and raw?
It’s ‘Recovery Resentment.’
As an alcoholic who took twenty years to admit it, I know how terrifying it is to be in the position of having to give up drinking or die. Even though I wanted my daily torture to end, it took me six months in residential rehab to get physically detoxed and psychologically ready to begin my journey to an alcohol free life.
At the end of it I didn’t just have a few months sobriety to celebrate, I also emerged 28lbs lighter and looking years younger. I had renewed my faith and I wanted to share my new found zest for life. Naturally I assumed everyone would appreciate how much I had endured in treatment and that they would welcome me back unconditionally. Most were willing, but some were not.
I realised that some were resentful of my success because their own relatives had failed. Others were addicts and preferred being around addicts. Those I found the hardest to deal with were friends who I’d hurt so badly through my alcoholism that they were unwilling to accept any apology and were unable to forgive me.
Whatever the reason, there were people who quite simply resented my recovery. However, it wasn’t until the tables were turned that I appreciated ‘Recovery Resentment’ completely.
After 12 years of sobriety my husband decided he would drink again. After a year and a half of managing the nightmare that had become our family life he finally relapsed and admitted defeat. He made the decision to get back on track. And he did.
Except that he seemed to think that his ‘not drinking’ excused him from taking responsibility of the damage he had done to me and others. I didn’t dare mention the fact that he had all but thrown our marriage away out of fear of triggering off the next relapse. He was feeling fine again and wanted to just pick up from where we left off. And he gave a convincing argument about leaving the past in the past and moving on.
My mind agreed but my heart didn’t. I felt so raw and so damaged. But at the same time I was boiling with rage. How dare he act so smug and self righteous! How dare he chant AA slogans at me – “Live and let live”! How dare he feel better!
And to make it worse he relatives and friends seemed to take his side. Whilst cheerfully nodding in agreement at how wonderful it was that my husband wasn’t drinking, my insides churned as they warned me against talking about things that were over and done with.
Everyone also assumed that because my husband was okay, then so was I. But I needed support to manage my ‘Recovery Resentment’ and if you can relate at all, then so do you! I have two suggestions:
- Don’t seek revenge by doing the same things to your loved one as they did to you when they were drinking. You are better than that.
- Do go to Al-Anon or some similar group where you can vent your feelings and find some empathy and understanding. You deserve it.
At the end of the day I was able to forgive and forget largely because I am a recovering alcoholic. I know the power of alcohol, so for me it was a case of ‘but for the grace of God’. I can’t imagine what it must be like if you don’t have that insight. But I do know that my husband’s addiction wasn’t and isn’t my fault and neither was my recovery resentment. And it’s not your fault either!
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What an interesting topic. Thank you, Carolyn, for such an insightful post.
Thank you for your comments and support Jenny!
A really interesting blog. I hadn’t heard this term before but I have noticed that when people get their lives together, become more independant after prolonged depression etc., that it can be difficlut for family menbers and friend to come to terms with the changes. Sometimes faily no longer feel needed and then there is always the question ‘is it temporary?’
Wow, that’s really powerful! People have to go through as much healing who have been around alcoholics as the alcoholics themselves in getting sober. What a great article for getting help through it!
Thank you Jessica. Addiction is definately a family disease.
If you think about it most illnesses of one person can impact on the rest of the family. It’s more complex when it’s a mental health or addiction issue. And it’s why the whole family need help and not just the individual.
Thanks for your comments Karen. I appreciate them!
I have read many articles from Carolyn and time after time I am very impressed with her. Her life has changed for the good because she took action and not only that, right now she is reaching out to others who are going through the same. I applaud her for that! Great article again Carolyn!
Thank you very much Olga! I am fortunate enough to have been able to overcome the addiction and I know how very hard it is for those who are still trapped and for their families who are impacted too.
Recovery Resentment…. WOW!!!! What a revelation you just gave me, Carolyn! Seriously, I’m heading to Alanon… I could never put my finger on it… but yes, you nailed my feelings exactly… bull’s eye! I’m so grateful!
So glad I have been able to help in some way Susan! I’m sure you will find the support you need at Alanon. Unfortunately there’s many who have been the similar experiences but the positive side is that you never have to be alone with your ‘recovery resentment’. Take care!
This is an amazing post Carolyn! You’ve just cleared up something that always bothered me about my parents relationship. Now I realize that my mother actually resented my father for quitting drinking and staying quit. I never got that before today.
Good to hear that it helped explain something to you Helena! It sounds ridiculous that a wife could resent her husband for staying sober, but how much did she have to go through before he decided he was going to change his life? And I doubt she would risk being the cause of a relapse by wanting to go over old ground.
Sometimes it’s hard just to switch off the past hurts no matter how good the present.
Carolyn,
That’s a great term, “Recovery Resentment.” I work with many couples in recovery and have decades of personal experience and also in Al-Anon – never heard that term, but it’s real. Many of the things the things you describe are common. Usually, there are several adjustments after the initial euphoria of sobriety:
Carolyn,
I work with many couples in recovery and have decades of personal experience and also in Al-Anon – never heard that term, “Recovery Resentment,” but it’s real. Many of the things the things you describe are common. Usually, there are several adjustments after the initial euphoria of sobriety: 1. The partner has resentment about things the addict did while using – often in a blackout – that the addict may not remember. 2. The newly sober addict feels guilty and vulnerable and may cover it up with bravado and is just having great difficulty functioning sober. 3. The partner is still on egg shells expecting conflict and blame, which the the sober addict is blithely unaware of (his or her impact on others). 4. The partner may expect all will be “normal,” and not that the sober addict is edgy. 5. The partner’s role of being a caretaker and having a superior, responsible position is no longer needed. Giving up control may be difficult. If the sober addict begins to shine, the unconscious feeling of the partner is “Will I be enough – lovable enough, if I’m not needed?” The family dynamics have to change to a more equal, calm balance, and it takes time and regained trust.
Darlene Lancer, MFT
Author of “Codependency for Dummies”
Thank you for sharing your experience Darlene. Some wonderful insight into how a codependent can feel . For me your first point of resenting the things that the partner did whilst drunk was and still is the hardest thing to get over. And I have the benefit of knowing exactly how it feels to be totally out of it, yet forgiveness did not come easily!
I haven’t heard of it in this way before. But I can totally relate. My hubby is a recovoring alcoholic and has been clean since Feb 1994. Thanks for such a great writing!
Congratulations to your husband and congratulations to you too! Thank you for your comments Nancy.
Wow, what a POWERFUL message, Carolyn! I’d never really considered how deeply such scars can run for those affected by the behavior of an alcoholic. I guess it must be pretty tough for the person in recovery to deal with them also, when already at such a vulnerable time in their lives.
I’m really glad the post came across powerful Steve because it’s a part of alcoholism that I feel gets overlooked. And you’re right, if I think of my own situation I felt extremely vulnerable. Not a good place to be!
Thank you for your comments and support.
Wow…Carolyn…I can see how the term “recovery resentment” can be applied to so many other issues as well…and you’re so right that support is important. Letting that anger go and forgiving is a gift that you give to yourself, so that you don’t stay stuck in those negative emotions. Such a powerful post, I am sharing it!
I think it can be applied to other issues to Sherie and you are so right about forgiveness. There is no point in staying bitter and resentful – it hurts you further and that’s the last thing you need.
So glad you are sharing the post. Thank you!
Carolyn – thanks so much for a powerful post here. That piece around “recovery resentment” is so powerful and I think applies to so many areas of self-healing. Truth is – this sort of resentment is OK to have and it’s important to allow it to be released in a supportive way rather than being stuffed away.
Moira, you make such an important point that ‘this sort of resentment is OK but that it needs to be released. Thank you for your comments!
What an interesting post. I had never heard of recovery resentment, but I can certainly see how it could happen. Interestingly, I can also see how this might also apply with other types of resentment. Like a recovering addict who wants to be absolved of his sins while he was drinking because now everything’s better, I can imagine that anybody who committed a wrongdoing on another person also would want to just move on and forget it once they have admitted their mistake and sworn not to do it again.
It’s not that easy for the person who was hurt to just move on, though. She might still be hurt or not be convinced it won’t happen again or whatever. I like your ideas to rise above it and not seek revenge and then also vent about it before finding some empathy. That’s a good process to use to work through any hurts!
Thank you for your insightful comments Nisha. So glad you can see how the ‘Recovery Resentment can work in other areas of life. As you say, it’s not easy, but when you can rise above the resentment and find a way to deal with it healthily then the power of the resentment disappears.
Carolyn, I loved this article. You have really explained recovery resentment so well. So many times the family members are left with some powerful emotions and need support from friends and groups as well. Resentment is such a dangerous emotion to harbor in recovery. Thanks for another very insightful post!
Thank you Lisa. As with all addiction issues it’s the family and those who are closest to the addict that are left to deal with the behaviours and changes whether they are good or bad. Either way, support is needed!
This is a huge issue for all involved in recovery…some families never get over it and move on. Your advice is excellent for those in need…I will pass it on 🙂
Thanks Anita! It’s totally understandable that some families never get over it, but if these issues were made more aware and their was adequate counselling available it would make some people’s lives so much better!
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I am furious w my parents for staying in the background while I dealt w my brother’s drug and alcohol issues. They claimed they didn’t know and or acted like it was not as serious as it was. They knew I was capable and he is well now a year later. I just can’t stand the fact they shirked their parental obligations and farmed them to me. They have never apologized for what the 3 years of enduring the addicts abuse has done to me and are seemingly perfectly happy as if nothing ever happened! I finally blew and told them they were immature and selfish..they think I’m going crazy. I’m trying to forgive but I am pissed!
No wonder you’re angry! Your parents were in ‘denial’. And the fact that they are still unwillingly to accept that your brother’s behaviour affected you greatly shows that they are still in ‘denial’. Unfortunately no amount of screaming at them is going to change that.
But you can, (for your own sanity and peace of mind) and must find a way to mange your resentment and pain. I’m wondering if you had any support at all whilst you were dealing with your brother’s addictions because that would add to your anger that he had all the help whilst you didn’t? It is never too late to get support. You deserve to be free of the continuous torment. Why should the past, (especially the past of others) dictate how you feel now?
I’m so sorry that you had to go through this and congratulations on your loyalty to your family. Now it’s time to put yourself first.
I wish you all the best!
Thank you so much Carolyn, just the fact you validated my anger gave me great relief. This crap is like taking on a demon with a required exorcism to gain full health again. I am reclaiming my life. You are doing good work and the world is a better place because of people like you.
You are very welcome Chris and thank you for you lovely comment! I’m so glad you have made the decision to reclaim your life – you will emerge so much stronger when you do!
Hmm, I suppose it depends on whether you believe that alcoholism is a *disease* or not, but if so, do you think it’s fair to resent someone for having a disease?
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t I guess.
I do not think it’s fair to resent someone for having the disease of addiction, no more that it’s fair to resent someone for having the disease of cancer. Thanks so much for adding your comment, Daniel!
Hi, I had never heard of this, but my husband had stopped drinking when we got married, and now I found out he has been using heavy sedatives since 2009. I left him in 2001. He has since been drinking and black out drunk. He is now in recovery, and I am glad he went, but he went only because he was going to die. That is hard for me as I feel he didn’t go for the love of me, but only when his own life was on the line, and though he is recovering, I am still remembering what he said to me while blacked out, and what truth lie in those statements. He has no idea and gets mad at me for digging up the past. Really??
it is really hard to be on teh other end of a “recovering addict” as I am a recovering spouse and I believe it is just as hard on the spouse as it is on the addict, as the addict has had his/ her coping mechanism all of this time and the spouse usually is the one who has endured the abuse. I have to say this has not been fun. I am glad to hear that I don’t have to be all chipper and forgiving, as I am not to that point yet. I guess I will find an al anon group. I never thought I needed to go, but if I choose to stay married to this man, we are separated 2 years, then I have to get some help. Thanks so much….Sparkles
Thanks for your comment, Sparkles. You are absolutely correct – addiction is terribly hard on the spouse. You may wish to browse through some of the other posts in the Help for Families | Secondhand Drinking category (categories are listed in the right hand column) for more on what happens to family members and what they can do to help themselves.
I am the spouse of a recovering alcoholic. I lived with it until I couldn’t ignore the danger it was putting our child in. He has been sober for 2 ½ years now, we’ve been living separate for 2 ½ years. Yes I still resent him and everything he did to myself and our child. When you say it’s not fair to resent someone for having the disease of addiction, no more than it’s fair to resent someone for having the disease of cancer, I think you are leaving an important piece out. If I had a spouse with cancer who refused over and over again to get treatment for their cancer and just ignore it and hoped it would go away, then I would still have a good reason to resent them. When you’ve lived with an alcoholic, taken care of them, begged them to get help, begged their family members to help you force them to get help, taken them back time after time when they promised they’d stay sober, it makes it very difficult not to resent them. I was the one crying myself to sleep when I couldn’t get him to stay sober, when he loved alcohol more than our daughter and myself. I’m the one who had all the responsibility when he was drinking and didn’t keep a steady job. I was the one trying to take care of our child, our house, my job and anything else that had to be done, because he was drunk. He was an alcoholic for 15+ years but I’m supposed to get over it, forgive and move on. I haven’t been able too. So now I’m the selfish one for not being able to let go of the resentfulness.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story LaVene which I am sure so many can relate to, myself included.
As you say, you were the one who had no choice but to take care of everything whilst he took no responsibility, and you were the one left heart-broken by his actions whilst he didn’t care. So of course you are still angry and hurt. But you are most certainly not selfish.
It takes time to let go and move on. But forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, and accepting doesn’t mean that what you went through was any less traumatic.
He put you through hell and back, but no matter what happens now that will never be changed. The damage was done, but it will continue to damage you if you keep hold of that anger and pain. And you don’t deserve that.
Letting go of the resentment means you are rising above the pain and taking back your power. Nothing can excuse what he did to you and your family time and time again. And no amount of remorse on his part can give you back what he stole from you in his alcoholic state.
It’s good that he is sober now. And long may that continue. But his actions don’t have to determine how you feel now.
You don’t have to let him have that power over you for one more second of one more day.
You deserve to be free from resentment and anger for yourself. Not for him. And for your child, so that they can see the strong, courageous, determined mum you are.
You spent many years trapped in someone else’s cycle of addiction. You are free from that now but you need to be emotionally restored, which takes time.
You deserve to be happy in yourself and be free to look forward to a future without chaos and uncertainty.
You are amazing to have come this far and I hope that you will find some support to help you finally be rid of your past.
Wishing you much happiness,
Carolyn
I am currently struggling with recovery resentment. I am so angry all the time and I fear lashing out, but it is hard that during his recovery I am still having to do everything all the time. His therapist is pushing relaxation on him whilst I do not get to relax because he can not handle the kids for a few hours. My stress and anxiety is so high that I am having to go back on medication. I am now going to try an al-anon meeting because I fear I will not be able to hold it together any longer on my own.
A really interesting perspective. And potentially lots of validity. My partner after 5 years of pretending via AA and therapy is finally taking recovery seriously (I believe and hope). We separated due to the chaos and trauma to me and our children but are in daily contact in hope we can rebuild our lives together. I think the idea of recovery resentment resonates with me due to the nastiness I have endured for years. But I do want to rebuild our relationship so maybe Al anon is an option. I have always shunned it as I went once and people just cried, when all I wanted was for someone to tell me how to get thru the nightmare. I now realise why they cried but I still search for answers. I also believe our 2 children who saw and experienced the traumas of living with an alcoholic parent also suffrage from this resentment as they currently want nothing to do with my partner. It’s a horrible experience for everyone involved. I would be keen to get more info on this concept. Many thanks for sharing it
so get this……I do a search tonight for stories from husbands of recovering alcoholic wives………and nothing from google or bing. I read your article….interesting concept. That being stated, where are the stories from the husbnads of recovering alcoholic wives? Am I in some kind of ridiculously small group for which I do not find others within close proximity? My wife is 21 months sober…a statement of her hard work and commitment. However, our relationship has been on hold for these past 21 months as the focus had to be on saving her life and recovery, and it is now time to start the real repair of our relationship……and damn it I need perspective and advice from a man who knows where I’m at and knows a path to this recovery. It’s a miracle we survived this recovery period and are still together…..I don’t want that miracle wasted because I don’t know how to move from here………………
Hi Jason… based on the private phone calls and emails I receive,there are many, many stories from husbands that are similar to yours. Feel free to call me – no charge – to talk about some of the questions you raise here – my office number is 650-362-3026 (I’m on PST). Lisa
I am currently feeling resentful towards my husband who is across the country in rehab. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and he has pretty much had a problem with alcohol since then, I just didn’t realize it. But as the years went by his drinking increased “alot” and or he mixed it with sleeping aids or narcotics (this I had a feeling about because his behavior got more erratic but just found out about when he left for rehab). Anyways, 2 months prior him going in to rehab I had moved out. I tried so hard for the last few years but I saw myself becoming bitter, angry, sad and very unhappy. I tried to gauge how drunk he was going to before he even got home depending on the day and if it was a day he was at the golf course. Certain days he didnt get there till late afternoon but a couple days he got there around 7 or 8am and started drinking right away. I dreaded those days and so did the kids. Granted somedays he would come home so drunk and be happy and tell us all the things he thought we wanted to hear but an hour or two later he would start getting grumpy and then mean. When he jumped at my son one night that was it for me, my son and I left. For 2 months I prayed everyday my husband would want to get help, not only for our family but for himself. He started drinking more and apparently using narcotics. He would call crying telling me if I would just come home he would quit. I told him I couldn’t till he quit for himself first. Somedays he would call and he nice and loving and then other days he would call and make me feel guilty and tell me I am the reason he drinks. I would tell him I couldn’t talk then and hang up so then the mean text messages would start. He would read them the next day and be so remorseful. I think the final straw was one night he texted me that he wanted a divorce, I told him I loved him and didn’t want one but if he did to file. That next morning he called a rehab hotline and went to a facility the next day. I never thought it would happen and I have been overjoyed and my love for him grew. But now the last few days I have resented him and that makes me feel bad. I have moved back home and am taking care of the house, dogs, kids, bills, etc. Our house is getting old and of course things are starting to fall apart so I am fixing eveything. (I most likely would have done all the fixing even if he was here), but me and my sons have hunting tags and we have to go alone. The boys are like if dad was here we would have gotten our elk or deer by now. I am the only running kids to and fro. We own a business that I never had anything to do with because I am a full time nurse so he took care of the business. Now he is gone and its on me and thankfully my inlaws help. But now he calls and sounds better but says, “I dont want the business anymore, its to stressful, just do what you have to do, sell whatever you have to, even the house whatever and oh I am going to be gone longer than the original 60 days, I may be gone 6 months to a year”. What the heck….so now I am mad at him and upset at myself because I am mad and he is just trying to get well but he has no responsibility at all right now. He just gets to sit and talk about his problems and his drug and alcohol use and whatever else while I am here trying to figure out how to get my work done, get kids to and from, fix this and that, change the blown out tire, take the kids hunting and how to keep the business running so we can pay for all of his rehab and whatever else and somehow I have to remember to eat, exercise and sleep. I am so angry,hurt and resentful right now but I really truly am grateful he took this step and is getting help. I love him with all my heart and I know that I will get over it but thats just it, I always deal with it and am the one to get over it. He got to escape either by alcohol or drugs and now rehab. Where is my escape?
Wow, Can’t believe I found this! I am a recovering alcoholic of a spouse that rightfully has recovery resentment. Finally her anger toward me after 18 mos sobriety makes a little more sense. It doesn’t appear that my living amends are going to be a full answer to what she needs be truly happy life partners. Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this outside of time and living amends? My verbal apologies are tough to put out there because they seem to lame.
I just found out (via Facebook) that my alcoholic, abusive ex boyfriend has, for the first time in his life, completed three months of rehab and is sober and healthy. For some reason this news has upset me so much that I can’t stop crying – or feeling resentful. We were so in love before the extent of his alcoholism emerged and I know, that when sober, he is the most loving, caring, patient man. Our relationship ended when I had to call the police because of a scary, verbally abusive night and he was taken away. After six weeks apart I took him back (more fool me); he was worse. To hear that he has quit drinking now and not two years before I met him is breaking my heart (which I know is stupid). I am FULL of so much anger, sadness, hurt, resentment and jealousy that he couldn’t quit for me (again, I know this sounds ridiculous) that I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I should be happy for him, but I’m not. I never did get an apology from him and I probably never will. He broke my heart and he broke my life. Can anyone shed light on my strange reaction to this news?
Hi Stephanie,
Your reaction is not strange at all. Are you familiar with Al-Anon (or Nar-Anon, if your ex boyfriend’s substance use disorder was around drugs vs alcohol)? It is a 12-step program for friends and family who are affected by a loved one’s substance misuse (and their treatment and recovery). Check them out. You may also wish to send me a private email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com or call my office at 650-362-3026.
Lisa
Just came across this and wow, how true this is. My husband is 3 weeks sober after 15 years of alcohol abuse. I am an emotional wreck, a proud wife, angry, pissed off and stuck with resenfulness and this upsets me. He is the love of my life but I can barely look at him, whilst he is proud and determined (and so he should be) all I am thinking is “what about me, my anguish and sacrifices over the years. I feel very selfish, unkind and resentful. He has all the support so I went to Al Anon with him today, and now I feel worse…..self indulgent, self satisfying people in recovery all sharing stories whilst I felt alone and isolated……how selfish and unkind I have become ?
Please, please – please know that all of your feelings, frustrations and resentments are “normal.” I think most family members of loved ones who find recovery feel much the same as you do – I know I certainly did. You may want to order the eBook version of my book, “If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!” – it’s no longer in print and the used copies are expensive – so if you have a Kindle or read books on your iPhone, this eBook may help version may be of help, https://www.amazon.com/Loved-Youd-Stop-Really-Drinks-ebook/dp/B00HRGO0YW. You may also want to check this section on my website, https://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/category/codependency-secondhand-drugging-enabling/
Feel free to email me at lisaf@BreakingThecycles.com with further questions.
My husband always drank but after the death of our daughter 15 years ago, it went to a different level. He went to work after we buried her and I mourned her death alone. About 7 years ago, I noticed he was drinking first thing in the morning and tried to talk to him about it but it became almost impossible because I could not find a sober moment. I lived my life, even though I was so lonely, went on vacations with my other daughter, had a full time career but started to get ill last summer because his drinking was so out of control, I thought he would kill someone. Finally, I was going to leave so he went to a 30 day inpatient facility and then 2 weeks of PHP living in a sober house. I was so angry during this time. Running the household, holding down a full time job, driving 5 hours round trip to visit him the one lousy day a week, we were able to visit. I felt like I did when my daughter died. It felt like he died. One minute he was there and the next, he wasn’t. I was not able to talk to him, not even to get passwords to pay bills. It was a very hard lesson and I swore that life would never find me in that predicament again. The rehab told me they were going to recommend 6 months in a sober house and they wanted me to support them and I told them that was great for single people but I was alone for 15 years so if that was happening, I would not be around. It was up to my husband to do what he thought was best for him. The rehab kept telling me he needed to be a little selfish and focus on himself and recovery for awhile and I made it perfectly clear to his counselor and my husband that I would not longer accept being anything but number 1 in his life. If he could not do this than he could make recovery his number 1 alone. We found an addiction counselor who is wonderful. He helps me work on my issues as well as my husband with his issues. Our relationship is number 1 and we move forward together. With this commitment, I am able to let go of my resentment and live in the present and make plans for the future but I can tell you the counselors at the PHP were really getting on me for standing my ground about protecting myself and for finally putting myself first. Looking back on it, they were only protecting his interests and could care less about my wellbeing but through much hard work and a commitment to making “us” the priority, he is 5 months sober and we are communicating better than we have in a long time. Thank you for having this forum because recovery resentment is real. The surviving spouse is entitled to feel angry because we have suffered tremendously. At some point our loved ones chose to have an affair with the great love of their life, their substance of choice, so they do not get a free pass but we are still here, loving and supporting them but we are human too.
Wow, Nancy – thank you so much for sharing your story! And how wonderful you found an addiction counselor who understood both sides of this family disease and that the “surviving spouse is entitled to feel angry because we have suffered tremendously” — you’re absolutely right! Thanks again for sharing.
Would it be possible to get the name of your counsellor please
The author of this post is Carolyn Hughes. Here is the link to her contact page on her website, https://carolynhughesthehurthealer.wordpress.com/for-you/
Thankyou for this article. It expresses exactly how I am feeling but I cannot stop the resentment. I don’t want to let go of it. After years of managing everything and being the rock I expected a redistribution of roles and shared responsibility but nothing has changed really.
I find it all so very one sided.
My husband is about to do step 8 after 12 months of sobriety – am I expected to just forgive and forget and let him continue living the life of Riley whilst I continue to slog.
It’s the unfairness that gets me down. I want to scream, shout, kick, punch but I have to keep quiet and supportive.
I went to a family day whilst my husband was in rehab – they didn’t mention this resentment. They didn’t explain how to behave or what it would really be like post rehab – depression, self centred ness, recovery being the sole interest. I feel terrible saying this because I’m so proud of my husband giving up and would NEVER want to go back to what he was – but why can’t I be happy with this?
I found Al-anon too sanitised and not open enough. No comments were allowed on what others had said and they were all talking about people that were still drinking and in much worse places than me – how could I moan, my husband is clean and sober
Your article has really helped me to understand that this is a real thing – I now just need to get help
In the event you’d like to contact the author of this post, Carolyn Hughes, here’s the link to her contact page on her website, https://carolynhughesthehurthealer.wordpress.com/for-you/
Hi Emma – I’m in a sorta but not really similar place, and feel the same way re: Al Anon.
I think I might try working with Carolyn based on this lovely post.
I absolutely love and so deeply appreciate your words here!!! I hate to sound selfish, but please, PLEASE….I need more!!!! In my situation I’m the addict in recovery and over the past 12 years my husband has stood by my side through jail, institutions and damn near death… Not to mention the (self induced) loss off my entire families support. He’s always been my rock… Until recently when I actually, finnnnallllyyy-after so many failed attempts-feel that (so far, atleast, fingers crossed!! 9+ months) have conquered my demon. He’s more angry and pushes me so much harder than he ever had before. I feel like maybe he doesn’t believe me?? Also, I think he may be scared that now that I may be ‘ok’ I might leave him… Soo many underlying issues at hand here, from serious childhood abuse, neglect and terrible addiction on the part of his parents, to loss off loved ones, theft and jail on my end. I haven’t been able to find any information what so ever about ‘recovery resentment’ until I find your article. Please…. Please, please….I need more of your insightful words!!!
Hi Samantha – This is a guest post so I’m not able to reply to your request. You might what to check out my latest book (it’s linked in the right column of my blog). It can help you and your husband understand what’s going on for yourself and the other person. The first half of the book explains alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, as well as what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives. The book comes in both paperback and Kindle (which can be read on an iPad or other eReader device). With the Kindle format, you’re able to get it immediately, which may be helpful for right now, and it allows you to read it without anyone knowing, which may also be helpful.
Additionally, I offer free phone calls to answer people’s questions, as generally every answer leads to more questions. If you’d like to schedule one, please send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com.
Lisa