Codependent Children – What Can Parents Do?
Darlene Lancer, author of “Codependency for Dummies,” shares 7 parenting essentials to avoid raising codependent children.
Codependent children — one of the tragic outcomes in families with untreated, undiagnosed, unhealthily discussed substance abuse and/ addiction. Darlene Lancer shares valuable information to help parents help their children avoid growing up to be codependent. But first, a bit about Darlene…
Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of Codependency for Dummies and 10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism. She’s worked with individuals and couples for over 25 years and maintains private practice in Santa Monica, CA and coaches internationally. Visit her website for a FREE ebook on “How to Be Assertive,” and follow her on Facebook as Darlene Lancer and Codependency. You may also wish to follow her blog at darlenelancer.com.
The following is a re-post (with permission) of Darlene’s original article appearing on her blog and titled, “7 Parenting Essentials to Avoid Raising Codependent Children.”
7 Parenting Essentials to Avoid Raising Codependent Children by Darlene Lancer
Codependency causes so much unhappiness. Research shows that codependency is learned in families and passed on generationally. It prevents the development of healthy, independently functioning individuals. When parents are codependent, codependency gets transmitted, unless they’re self-aware and consciously make an effort to respond to their children in healthy ways that counteract their codependent patterning. But because codependency is learned, it can be prevented and unlearned.
Codependent Children and Codependency Explained
The problem is, like addiction, codependency is characterized by denial. This means you may not even be aware that you’re codependent and are unwittingly teaching it to your children, despite your best intentions. The most preventative steps you can take are to improve your self-esteem and communication. Some of the main symptoms of codependency are:
- Being overly focused on someone or something
- Low self-esteem
- Nonassertive communication
- Denying or devaluing needs, feelings, and wants
- Poor boundaries
- A need for control
Children learn who they are and how to identify, value, and communicate needs and feelings through interactions with their parents. Thus, how you communicate with your children is critical to the formation of their identity and to a large extent determines how secure their sense of self and self-esteem are. Here are traits of healthy families that allow children to develop into independent, functional adults:
- Free expression of thoughts, feelings, and observations
- Equality and fairness for all
- Healthy Communication
- Reasonable rules
- Nurturing and supportive
- Healthy boundaries
- Problem solving
7 Essentials for Raising Non- Codependent Children
As parents, here are seven key things you can do to ensure your children grow into independent adults:
1. Allow freedom of information.
One of the main characteristics of healthy families and organizations, even countries, is freedom to express thoughts and observations. Secrets and no-talk rules are common in dysfunctional families. For instance, forbidding mention of grandma’s limp or daddy’s drinking teaches children to be fearful and to doubt their perceptions and themselves. Children are naturally inquisitive about everything. This is healthy and should be encouraged, not squelched.
2. Show your children respect.
Showing respect means that you listen and take them seriously, which communicates that who they are and what they think and feel have worth and merit. You don’t have to agree with what they say, but listening to understand shows that you respect them and teaches them self-respect. Speak to your children with courtesy. Avoid criticism, which is destructive to self-esteem. Instead, praise the behavior you desire. You can set limits and explain negative consequences of behavior you want dislike without name-calling or criticizing, such as, “It makes me and others angry when you tie up the bathroom for half an hour. We’re all kept waiting,” instead of, “You’re selfish and inconsiderate to tie up the bathroom.” When you treat your child with respect, they will treat others with respect and expect the same in future relationships.
3. Accept your children’s feelings.
Many clients tell me that they weren’t allowed express anger, complain, feel sad, or even get excited. They learned to repress their feelings. This becomes problematic in their adult relationships and can lead to depression. With good intentions, often parents say, “Don’t feel sad, (or jealous, etc.)” or “Don’t raise your voice.” Allowing children to express their feelings provides a healthy outlet. Feelings needn’t be rational, nor do you have to “fix” them. Instead, comfort your children and let them know you love them, rather than try to talk them out of how they feel. Expressing feelings doesn’t mean that they should be free to act on them. Tommy can be angry at his sister, but it’s not okay to hit her.
4. Respect your children’s boundaries.
Respecting children’s thoughts and feelings is a way of respecting boundaries. Verbal abuse and attacks violate their boundaries, as does unwanted touch and sexual exposure or intimacy. This also includes tickling beyond a child’s comfort level. Additionally, children’s property, space, and privacy should be respected. Reading their mail or diary or talking to their friends behind their back are off-limits.
5. Allow children age-appropriate decisions, responsibility, and independence.
Codependents have problems making decisions and being interdependent in relationships. Children need support in learning how to problem-solve and make decisions. Parents usually err on one extreme or the other. Many children must take on adult responsibilities too young and never learn to receive or rely on anyone. Some children are controlled or pampered, become dependent and don’t learn to make their own choices, while others are given unlimited freedom without guidance. Opposite types often marry each other. They have an out-of-balance marriage, where one spouse takes care of the other, and both resent it.
Children resist control because they seek self-control. They naturally push for independence, which isn’t rebelliousness and should be encouraged. Age-appropriate limits teach them self-control. When they’re ready to test their wings, they need guidance to help them make their own decisions plus the freedom to make and learn from mistakes.
6. Have reasonable, predictable, humane rules and punishments.
Codependents grow up in homes where there are no rules or the rules are harsh and rigid, or inconsistent and arbitrary. Children need a safe, predictable, and fair environment. When rules and punishments are arbitrary, harsh, or inconsistent, instead of learning from mistakes, children become angry and anxious, and learn to distrust their parents, authority, and others. Rules should be explicit and consistent, and parents need to be united. Rather than base rules and punishments on emotions in the moment, think through what’s important and what is reasonably enforceable, which varies as children age and are more independent. Explain rules to older children, allow them to question you, and have good reasons to back up your decisions. Research has shown the physical punishment can lead to emotional problems in adulthood. The best punishments are reasonable, humane, and relate to the natural consequences of the wrong-doing.
7. Nurture your children.
You can’t give them too much love and understanding. This isn’t spoiling them. Some parent use gifts or not setting limits to show love, but this isn’t a substitute for empathy and affection, which are necessary for children to grow into confident, loving adults.
©Darlene Lancer, 2012
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Great tips for preventing codependency. I realized I had codependent behavior after being in a situation that wasn’t working for a period of time, but the realization is gradual. Your information illuminates the fact that this is learned behavior that could stem from childhood. Wonderful tips for parents.
Thanks Cathy. Your work fills great need for parents struggling with their children’s addiction.
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The Bridge to Recovery specializes in programs designed to assist individuals and affected family members suffering from codependency, trauma, anxiety, anger issues, depression, obsessive thought patterns, compulsive behaviors and other negative behavior patterns.
Thanks for your comment and sharing your organization as a resource.
Thanks for this article Darlene. I’m already applying each of these to my parenting but this just reassures me I’m on the right track of breaking the cycle.
Good information and I will share this with my children. I also see myself in reading these 7 signs.
Hi – I’d like to reprint this article with full attribution to you – for a free community event I am doing with my non profit. Could you connect with me via email to discuss? Thanks
Please check your email for reply. Thank you, Lisa
I have recently recognized and on my path to recovery with codependency and in doing so I’ve painfully came to the realization that I have inflicted many of the codependent negative parenting on my daughter who is now 8- I want to fix the pain she’s been caused during my active codependency but I don’t know what’s a healthy way to explain to her and what are my best most effective options to reverse the damage I am heartbroken at the thought of her growing up with this painful illness.
Hi Nicole,
Feel free to contact Darlene directly. And feel free to contact me, as well. You can email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can set up a phone call to talk about this — there is no charge.
Lisa
I have a daughter that is 19 and 14. I just realized this is the problem, wow. I would love to talk with you.
Hi Kellie,
Feel free to contact Darlene (the author of this post) directly. You may also send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com to set up a time to talk.
Lisa
I have the same questions as Nikole. I have been projecting my codependency onto my son which now explains so much. Do you have some pointer for me to speak to him about this and how I can help undo the damage I have done.
Hi Awilka and Nikole,
I suggest you contact the article’s author, Darlene Lancer, via email at info@DarleneLancer.com. She’s very approachable.
Also – you may want to check out my latest book – 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! (There’s a link in the right column of the blog page.) As a mom with decades of codependency experience, unraveling what I’d done to my daughters is some of what I share in this book. It has other practical tools and tips, as well.
Take care, Lisa
Curious how you’d advise a divorcedmother to help her 10 year old daugther, who though the mother practices what you suggest is unable to get the father to do the same.
Hi Lee – let’s have a phone call about this (no charge). Send me an email, and we can arrange a time – lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com. ~Lisa
I am South African and have a son of almost 8. Despite having a PhD after having to study my first two degrees via correspondence as I didn’t have money to go to a residential university, I still feel inadequate (like people will soon realize I dont really know enough).
Now I have two beautiful children (7&5) who are beautifully behaved at school and sincere little souls. I work half day in order to be the best mom I can be. But I fear my own fears haunt me and take away my playfulness with them, particularly when I feel most vulnerable. I think I am trying too hard to control things and my son 7, is particularly unsettled. He can be difficult but now I ask myself how much is my fault? I tell him all the right things but I don’t live them myself and so he reflects the same pessimism and anxiety and self doubt as me rather than the things I tell him he is. I tell him that his heart is shiny and beautiful no matter what he does wrong. His Behaviour might be disrespectful etc but he is not bad inside. I tell him that I loved him before he was born and that there is nothing he can do to make me love him more etc etc.
But I don’t do anything for myself, I am often pessimistic and I get short with the children when I am tired (which is often)
I am trying to Change my Behaviour … can I still help him Change his? Or is this something that is also out of my control?
Best wishes And thank you
Hi Monique,
This is Lisa, the founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. The post you’ve commented on is written by my colleague, Darlene Lancer. She can be reached by email at info@darlenelancer.com. I am also available to talk with you, if you’d like. Send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can arrange a time to talk by phone, Skype, Zoom or What’sApp (there is no charge for these kinds of calls). Lisa
Hello Darlene…
We’ve been introduced before and I’m still actively reading your books 🙂 I have a question though.. Our 25 yr old daughter just recently moved out to share an apartment with a roommate she met at church. I admit that I am a former codependent parent but one that probably did too much for my child rather than the type that makes them feel guilty and complies to my needs.
We have two older children who completely own their lives completely independent of us. I want to embrace the life of an empty nester, with my husband/our childrens father of 35years, but how do we as parents get that last child to stop complaining about life and pulling at our every heart-string they previously knew, and actually work diligently toward the life they want? I hate the proverbial covid excuse that is too widely used, but in this case we have to share that this same child was Rockin’ her life a year and a half ago! She landed a dream job in Nashville and then she met a guy and then covid shut everything down. The two of them spent the last year living in our home, taking vacations and watching the government put money in their accounts. Finally returning to her job she works from home two days a week / in the office the other three days, the boyfriend is working diligently, but our daughter is still complaining that life and work are hard and she could be a better person and girlfriend if she didn’t have her job. sigh. What has happened and what do we do? We’ve spent more time listening to her, but not reacting and not giving in to her tearful tugs on our hearts. Last night she stopped by and sat on our sofa in tears and whoas, but when 10:30 rolled around my husband mentioned it’s late and she should probably head home. Of course we could have offered her a bed but we didn’t want her to get too comfortable. She’s only been on her own for a few weeks and wanted to keep our boundaries in place. I’m sure in light of covid you’ve had many patients question life, their purpose and the ability to keep going. Any wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and Blessings!
Sounds like you’re doing great and she has some life lessons to learn about hard work, tenacity, and responsibility. Best plan is to support her, that you understand and know she can handle it and will be proud of herself for learning to be self-supporting. She wants to be taken care of, but the time for that is long gone. Being an adult means she has to be responsible for herself and not lean on you or her boyfriend, which would carry a high price in the end. If it doesn’t work out, she’ll have to support herself. Not a good idea to send a message that she can just return home. If she does, getting the courage up to make her leave will be twice as hard.
Thank you for your thoughts. I feel as if all I do is mess up and lacking confidence is a struggle. My fears are seemingly equal to my faith these days. A child, no matter what age, cannot fully grasp the depth of a parents love until they become one.
I just, in the last few days, broke up with my girlfriend. We have a lot of common interests and enjoy each others company but i could not see her being my life partner due to her co-dependency with her father. Im not sure who is codependent on who. We could never have a mature independent relationship…she is constantly and always (weekly) going back to her parents. I have never experienced this before, but it truely is the foundation of what she does and affects the ability to develop a relationship. She is 35 and was still living with her parents until recently moving in with me for 3 months. It also seriously affects her finances. If her dad buys a new car she buys the same one. If he sends her a picture of something…she’ll be online buying it in minutes. Its really crushing breaking up when we had so many things we enjoy incommon. To include futures we both would have liked. I did not bring up the fact of her codependency and wouldnt even know how to approach it.
I believe we have raised two codependent children. What can we do to help them recover and not lose communication with them. They are adults and just going through it now. Please help.
Hi Lorri – the author of this post is Darlene Lancer. Here is a link to you website from which you can contact her https://darlenelancer.com/