Being an Alcoholic | Living with an Alcoholic – Which is Worse?
Being an Alcoholic | Living with an Alcoholic – Which is Worse?
Carolyn Hughes shares her thoughts on which is worse – being an alcoholic or living with an alcoholic.
The following is a guest post by Carolyn Hughes, a freelance writer with special interest in alcohol issues. Carolyn is currently writing The Hurt Healer, a novel based on her own experiences of abuse and alcoholism, and lives in Northern Ireland with her husband and their two daughters. She celebrates 14 years sobriety and says, “My proudest achievement is that my children have never seen me take alcohol or had to live with a drunken mother.” Carolyn can be reached at carolyn.hughes6@btinternet.com, and be sure to visit Carolyn’s blog, The Hurt Healer, to read more of her insightful posts. You may also wish to follow her on FaceBook.
What’s worse? Being an alcoholic or living with an alcoholic? by Carolyn Hughes
The answer may depend on whether you are battling with drink or are the one managing the chaos caused by someone else’s drinking. But one thing is certain and that is it doesn’t matter which side you are on, alcohol has the potential to devastate your life.
As an alcoholic for twenty years and as a wife of an alcoholic who relapsed, I have experienced the nightmare impact of addiction from either side. Of course every situation is different, but the impact can be similar for both drinker and their loved ones.
Take a typical day for an alcoholic.
You wake up and you feel dreadful. Your head is thumping and you feel sick. All you can think about is what happened the night before.
How much did you drink? What did you do? Who were you with? What did you say? How did you get home? How much did you spend?
A glance at the clock reminds you that you are late for work. And your employment is another problem. The boss has already given you warnings about lateness and inconsistency in the standard of your work. They’ve indicated a concern about your erratic behaviour and amount of days of sick, and hinted that they believe you have a drink problem. Deep down you realise that alcohol is going to cost you your job. You are terrified, but not about losing your career. It’s the fear that unemployment will mean you won’t have the finance to buy drink.
The time is ticking and you’ve no time to shower. You don’t care. The only thing on your mind now is getting some pain relief for your thumping head and excruciating back ache, and finding some anti-sickness medication to settle your stomach. And of course a drink.
An unsuccessful search of your room triggers a panic. Where did you hide the bottle? Why isn’t there any left? You are certain that you saved something from the evening before but you must have drunk it without knowing. Thoughts of work disappear as every fibre in your body craves a drink. Getting clean, dressing properly, eating breakfast, making a coffee all go out of the window as you head for the nearest off-licence.
You resolve to ring work with some excuse as to why you will be late, but you can’t talk to anyone without a drink, and by the time you get back home, you have consumed more than you intended. You phone work and lie. You don’t care. You tell yourself that you are ill and you deserve a day off. With a drink.
Alcohol has impacted on how you feel physically and mentally. It has cost you money you can’t afford, difficulties with work, isolated you from friends and family, caused aches, pains, shaking, vomiting. It controls your mind through denial and fear. And it’s not even lunchtime.
But is it worse for someone living with an alcoholic?
A typical day for you starts after a restless night. You wake up and you feel dreadful. Your head is thumping and you feel sick. All you can think about is what happened the night before.
How much did they drink? What did they do? Who were they with? What did they say? How did they get home? How much did they spend?
A glimpse at the clock reminds you that you are late for work but you can’t leave until your husband wakes because that will cause another row and it will be your fault he goes for a drink. But your employment is becoming another problem. The boss has already given you warnings about lateness and inconsistency in the standard of your work. They’ve indicated a concern about your erratic behaviour and amount of days of sick, and they’ve hinted that they know it is because of the stress of your husband’s drink problem. Deep down you realise that alcohol could cost you your job. You are terrified.
The closing of the front door and a glance out of the window confirms your worst fear. He hasn’t showered, shaved, had breakfast, or even had a coffee. Your husband has headed for the off-licence and he will be full of drink when he returns. Feeling unable to face work you phone in and lie.
Alcohol has impacted on how you feel physically and mentally. It has cost you money you can’t afford, difficulties with work, isolated you from friends and family, caused aches, pains, shaking, vomiting. It controls your mind through denial and fear. And it’s not even lunchtime.
Recognize the similarities?
The message here is that addiction ruins lives. It destroys individuals and those around them. But the addict and their loved ones both have to admit that there is a problem and both be willing to change. Why? Because alcohol doesn’t distinguish between the drinker and the carer. You are all under the manipulative and overwhelming power of alcohol.
So if you are an alcoholic who thinks that the family can’t understand you, or you are the family member who thinks the alcoholic can’t understand you, remember you are fighting the same battle. And with the right support (both Alcoholics and Anonymous and Al-Anon are a good starting place) and a lot of hard work you can both win the war against addiction.
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The comparison between the alcoholic and one who lives, cares, or loves an alcholic is spot on Carolyn.
It is also true of anyone who lives, loves or cares for someone with a terminal illness. When someone becomes incapable of caring for themselves, hopefully someone else steps in to be a ‘caregiver’ for them. The ‘caregiver’ assumes the responsibilities that normally would be the other person’s. With alcoholism the role of the caregiver is a double edge sword. My son suffers with alcoholism. I continually question myself what I should or should not be doing for him. Personality, relationship to the alcoholic and legal responsibilities come into play as well.
Hopefully your article Carolyn will help people see the close relationship between the alcoholic and caregiver and how they both struggle with this debilitating disease.
So sorry Bev that you are in such a difficult and demanding situation Bev. I’m glad you could relate to the article because it is important that people become aware of both sides of the disease.
I do hope that you are able to find the support and the care that you need and deserve.
Great advice here for anyone living with a friend or relative living in addiction.
Thank you Tom for commenting.
As a member of a family who lost someone due to alcoholism, I know how it devastates the family members…the guilt, the shame, the anger. All the emotions are intense and seem unending. I know, without 1st hand experience, it must suck toads from the other side too. I know in my heart they want to do better. Realize they’re causing pain. And feeling like there is no “out” is what led to suicide (for a family member, and a friend). I have struggled with my own addictions…neither side is fun, for anyone and I believe awareness and understanding are the first steps. Thanks for so opening sharing you Carolyn!
Thank you too MamaRed for sharing so bravely about your loss. And you are so right in that awareness and understanding is what is needed to help prevent more damage and tragedy no matter what side of addiction you are on.
WOW! I am praying that this article goes out and is read by anyone and everyone who is or living with an alcoholic! “The message here is that addiction ruins lives.” Yes it does! Thanks for doing what you do! God bless.
Thank you Alexandra for your support. Addiction really does ruin lives and the more we share and learn, the more we can help those in need of support and treatment.
Both are tough life styles.. I have lived with one but not anymore and I never thought about how hard it was for them too til now. Thanks.. 😉
I’m glad you are free from that life of living with an addict Elizabeth! Thank you for taking the time to consider the other side of the story. There is a misconception held by many who live with an addict, that they have control over what they do. Yet nothing is further from the truth. The addiction controls completely and indiscriminately.
Thankfully there is always hope of recovery for both the addict and their families.
I personally think that living with an alcoholic is worse…at least the alcoholic an get help for themselves (the person who lives with it can get help for themselves), but only the alcoholic can really solve the problem.
That’s an interesting point Liz. Both can get help, but only the alcoholic can tackle the alcoholism. Having been on both sides of the bottle I can’t say which is worse. Being in both situations was horrendous and surviving both is fantastic.
Great post here, Carolyn! I love the way you explained both sides of the story. People so often forget that it affects family members in the very same way it affects the addicted person. Your life feels out of control and the addiction has you both in its control. Al-Anon certainly helped me get started on knowing that I wasn’t alone, there is hope and there could be a light at the end of the tunnel. It is amazing that you are sharing your story and helping others in this way!
Thank you Cathy. I know that you have been in that awful position of parent of an addict so you understand completely how addiction holds everyone hostage. Thank you for all the work you do too in helping so many reclaim their lives!
Important and powerful post, Carolyn. Thank you for sharing from the heart.
Thank you for your kind comments and support Shari.
It really such a sad cycle that I have seen many people in my life fall into. I know it is a disease, but I agree the disease impacts the people around the people with the addiction just as much as the addict. Carolyn, congartulations on your many years of sobriety!! That is awesome! I saw you live in Ireland..my husband and I will be taking a trip there May 27-June 8. We cannot wait! Thank you for the informative post. I want to share this with my high school students that have substance abuse issues as well.:)
It is indeed a sad cycle Daniele but it is a cycle that can be broken with the right information, treatment and courage. Thank you for sharing this with your high school students.
And I wish you a fabulous time in Ireland 🙂
Yes, addiction does ruin lives. When I was young, I saw relatives destroy their lives through addictions…alchohol, smoking…drugs…A few recovered and took control of their lives like you did (way to go!). Some didn’t…and paid the ultimate price of losing their lives. Powerful, well written and necessary post, Carolyn.
So sorry Sherie that you have witnessed the destruction of addiction in your family. And the message is clear that if you don’t take control of the addiction, you can end up paying the ultimate price.
This is the first time I actually now get that
My son’s addiction is my addiction. I have been going to Al anon and not understanding how the 12 steps apply to me as the caregiver. Now I do! I wake up the same way he does. Thank you
You have hit the nail right on the head Christine, when you say that your son’s addiction is your addiction. But even if your son is not in a place of wanting to recover, you can! You don’t have to wake up the same way he does and you don’t deserve to. I would encourage to keep going to Al-anon for support and keep on listening and learning.
Very well written Carolyn and I could feel like I was there. I can’t imagine feeling that way – for either person. Like most, my life has been changed by alcoholism, but we were lucky in that it only lasted about 6 months before he got help and has been sober for 13 years now. Still it changed so many things in the 6 months. Reading this has given me even more sympathy for people dealing with this disease.
Thank you Aimee your encouraging comments and for sharing your story of alcoholism in your own experience. It shows that getting the right help can make a huge difference.
Great post! When one person in the family is sick, the whole family becomes sick. It’s contagious. Your parallels are an awakening for many dealing with the alcoholic/drug addict in the house. Too often, the family members are on the merry-go-round and don’t even realize it!
I think your right Martha, in that often the family members are not aware of how they are being carried along by the other person’s behaviour and words as a result of their drinking.
Thank you for commenting!
Wow, this is huge for me….my mother was an alcoholic so I lived the madness and then she left when I was five! I don’t know what was worse! Thank you for being there for all of us who so desperately need your help…God bless you!
So sorry Betty that your life was so impacted in this way. ‘Living the madness’ is exactly the right phrase to describe what goes on in an alcoholic household. And everyone suffers.
I appreciate you sharing. Thank you.
Excellent post – it is so true when you compare the patterns of the one who is addicted to the people living with them… there is so much in common. Your writing is a powerful education and inspiration.
I think there is often such a focus on the addict that the experiences of the family are someone seen as less of a problem. I wanted to show how devastating alcoholism can be for everyone involved, so I glad that came through.
Thank you Moira!
What a beautiful post – thank you so much for sharing. As someone who grew up in an alcoholic home – I can relate and it also gives me compassion by seeing the other side.
Thank you for sharing and commenting Estelle. I’m glad you could relate!
I have had friends and business associates that were addicted to alcohol or drugs. It is such a tragedy to see them waste their lives. Glad to read your post.
It really is a tragedy Barbara. Thank you for your comments.
I would think each one would be hard… thankfully not something that has been in my circle of family or friends. You wrote about it in a great way. Thanks. x0x
When I was in 7th grade I left a book named Living with Your Alcoholic Parent on the living room table. My father was furious when he saw it. He came at me with rage, and when I stood tall against that rage he melted. It changed our relationship because he could no longer deny that his habit was having an effect on me.
I don’t think it’s nice on either side. Luckily I don’t even have the taste for alcohol.
We have one person in the family, having a drinking issue and it makes life really difficult ;(
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment Norma. I appreciate that!
The similarities in how it feels to be on either side of this issue just goes to show how completely devastating alcohol can be when it is allowed to take control of your life.
Reading this comparison is an eye opener as to the similarities in being an alcoholic or the enabler of an alcoholic. I am so thankful I have not had to deal with this situation in my life. It is so sad to see the destruction alcohol or drugs can cause. Thanks for being willing to share in order to help others.
Wow … reading this brought back a lot of memories for me. Both my parents were alcoholics. One dealt with it, and the other one didn’t and it all caused a lot of stress in the family.
I’ve been blessed. I’ve lived “around” alcoholics at different times in my life, but have never had to take the brunt thanks to geography or the nature of the relationship. But, like anyone else, I’ve watched the devastation alcoholism causes to individuals, to families, even to businesses. It’s beyond words.
Only just come across this post….spot on,I’m living it now!Reaching breaking point with no direction of help,with so many mixed emotions That go with it,this post has given me a tiny bit of hope for me and my little family suffering at the hands of the devils juice.