Help for the family and friends of alcoholics is as important as help for the person with the chronic, often relapsing brain disease of addiction, of which alcoholism is but one. The following is a guest post by Linda, whose husband is an alcoholic, and whose journey to save her own life led to her founding OARS Family & Friends Group – offering alcoholism resources and support for family members and friends of alcoholics – and the blog, The Immortal Alcoholic.

Help for Family and Friends of Alcoholics | OARS by Linda

My name is Linda and I’m the Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife. I’ve been his wife for 46 years. Don’t let that number mislead you. We are not the happily married couple that will joyfully be celebrating our golden anniversary with friends and family.

For many years I felt that I was alone in a rowboat (my marriage) with only one oar. I kept trying to head for calm waters, but I just kept rowing in circles. I was tired and weak, and finally I jumped out of the rowboat and managed to swim to shore. I stayed in that safe shore haven for 15 years until I found that my alcoholic husband was on the banana peel next to his grave, I took him back in to give him a soft place to die. Only – he didn’t die. Since 2007 he managed to escape the grave five times – he appears to be immortal.

OARS F&F Group started from a simple blog. It was just a way to exercise my writing ability and communicate with a few people. Before long I was getting e-mails and my daily hits were far more than I could explain. I diligently tried to answer the e-mails and respond to the comments, but I was over my head. I couldn’t keep up with the questions and concerns, so I thought, “Everyone uses Facebook these days. I’ll start a Facebook page where people can connect.” That’s how my simple little blog, The Immortal Alcoholic, morphed into a support group.

But it wasn’t enough. My e-mail was still overflowing from people who wanted to remain anonymous to the outside world. I discovered that I could open a “private” or “secret” Facebook page that would only be visible to members. I experimented with acronyms to find a name, but kept coming back to OARS F&F Group (Our Alcoholism Resource and Support for Family and Friends). The group was meant to be primarily for family and friends of end-stage alcoholics, but quickly grew to include alcoholics and some addicts no matter what the stage. After creating the group membership numbers tripled. Yet – there was still some concern about the unpredictability of Facebook.

In October 2012, I started a secure and private independent website for OARS F&F Group via Ning.com (www.OARSFFGroup.ning.com). The Ning membership grew and between both groups we now have more than 300 members from around the world. We add an average of two people each week.

The primary concept behind OARS is to provide non-judgmental, non-criticizing support. We do that by interacting via our on-line conversations. Members are free to discuss whatever is on their minds. None of us seem to be easily shocked by what others may post. We all seem to have shared our own occasions where the shock value would be too high for people who are unfamiliar with alcoholic insanity.
When a member first joins OARS, after years of tears and sadness, they may find themselves laughing and seeing humor in something absurd. Some find the strength to leave a marriage or to refuse to give a family member shelter. If someone asks for a suggestion to a problem, the ideas flow freely. After a lengthy discussion on how to handle a situation, one member wrote:

I have a new lease on life. I know now that I’m not alone, I can be happy and have a good life. I felt the only way I was going to have that was if I left my husband or if he quit drinking. I have learned in less than a month that is just not true. I am loving life now…. I am happier now more than I could ever have imagined…. Thank you all for being here and sharing. Each day I wake up with more understanding and joy in my life than I thought was ever possible again.

Another writes:

This group is a Godsend. It helps so much to listen to others trials, to know you’re not alone and to have others that know what you’re going through. I am eternally grateful.

You might be surprised at what you find if you visit the OARS Ning site. There are videos, pictures, poems, songs, links and other things nestled among the posts. There is a section for planning events and sending birthday wishes. The format is similar to Facebook, but has so much more. You can even have our own blog on OARS!

My goal from all this is to create OARS Goes Live. Recently, I received a grant from Pollination Nation (www.thepollinationproject.org/grants-awarded-page/may-2013/) to help make that dream a reality. Up to this time, my expenses to run OARS have all come from donations through the GoFundMe fundraising site and my own personal finances. The grant is not a large sum of money, but it is enough to have the very first ever OARS live meeting.

Plans are being made. Speakers are being secured. At the end of June a group of people will gather in a community hall to hear how their lives may be changed simply by connecting with others who share their situation. The topic will be “Survive and Thrive.” Suggestions will be made as to how to discover passions and use them to create a more fulfilling life. There will be networking. There will be food. And – most importantly – there will be laughter. The event is free; however there will be a passing of the hat.

OARS is not an alternative to Al-Anon, which is focused on a twelve step program. Al-Anon is a beneficial element to survival, but it does not offer a lot of information on biology or how-to find information. Instead, OARS provides support, as well as resources. You will not hear terms like “enabling” or “co-dependence” as identifiers of our members. You might hear a different explanation of the term. But we don’t label our members.

If you feel you might find comfort in our group, please use this invitation link to join. I hope to “see” you there! I’ll be handing you an oar so your boat may row in a straight, strong line because with only one oar you will be going in circles. If your boat is too big for you to handle, others will join you to give your strength for the long and heavy haul.