Recently I gave a talk to a group of parents of children with the chronic, often relapsing – but treatable – brain disease of addiction. I shared a bit about my own experiences with loved ones with this brain disease and about the emotional and physical health consequences I’d suffered as a result of the chronic exposure to Secondhand Drinking. But the emphasis of my talk was on sharing this new brain science and talking about the shame of addiction.

It’s the shame over our inability to stop it; over our loved one’s inability to stop it; over our inability to even make sense of it ourselves, let alone make sense of it in a conversation with someone else, that allows this disease to progress – harming not only the person with this disease but the family members and friends who are trying to help them stop. To illustrate the magnitude of this shame, I shared the numbers of people with addiction (23.2M) vs cancer (12.5M) or HIV (1.1M) and the numbers of family members who are affected by a loved one’s addiction (100+M).

This shame is real and pervasive because no one really understands what IT really is, let alone the nature of this complicated brain disease (take the risk factors, addiction cravings and relapse, as examples); let alone what it takes to treat it (long-term continuing care, for example, and the variety of treatment options that can be used [addiction medications, addiction therapies, nutrition, exercise, sleep, mindfulness, 12-step and non-12-step fellowships…]); let alone how to talk about it. And so each and every one of us affected by this disease hunkers down to try and fix it — in secrecy and in shame.

During the Q & A period, I was asked a question by one of the fathers that went something like this:

I’d give anything not to feel shame. But how do you talk about it. I mean, when you’re in a group of parents all talking about where their son or daughter is going to college or any of the other great things they’re doing, how do you say, ‘My son’s going to rehab?'”

Together – We Can Do This! Understand – Raise Awareness – Shatter the Shame of Addiction | Secondhand Drinking

I answered something along the lines of,

It’s going to take all of us being especially brave. And to be brave, we need to truly understand this disease and believe in our heart of hearts that it is a brain disease; it’s chronic and it’s treatable. And then we need to start talking about it the way we’d talk about a loved one having any other disease. It will take us joining together to stand up and be counted as Addiction Survivors, as Secondhand Drinking | Drugging Survivors; to join Recovery Month celebrations; to tell our friends and families and neighbors to watch The Anonymous People when it comes to a theater near them; to join the Faces and Voices of Recovery; to organize research fundraising events; to understand it and to talk about it. All of this will take courage. But we’ve only to look to what’s happened to our collective understanding and respect for the diseases of cancer and HIV to see where courage can take us.

So I’d like to wrap up this post with a few conversation options…

Talking About Addiction | Let’s Make the Day Come When We Have These Sorts of Conversations

Scenario #1: At the office

Mary’s boss: “You have a son, don’t you, Mary? Isn’t he graduating this year? Where’s he planning to go to college?”

Mary: “Yes, I do, and yes, this was the year. But about two months ago he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. So this next year will be spent getting him well. We’re confident he’ll be starting college next year, though. So far, so good. As you know, it takes time to recover from this disease, but he’s got such a great attitude and both my husband’s and my family have taken turns visiting and helping out. And you wouldn’t believe what they do nowadays. He’s got a nutritionist and a trainer to help him rebuild his strength, which he’ll need for chemo, and a great support group – even a yoga instructor that works with cancer patients. He’ll be fine – it’ll just take some time.”

Mary continues: “How about you – don’t you have a daughter heading off to college? Where’s she going?”

Now re-read the above but substitute the words, “testicular cancer” with “cocaine addiction;” the word, “strength,” with “brain health;” the word, “chemo” with “improve brain functioning;” and the word, “cancer” with “addiction.”

So, Mary’s response would now go like this:

Mary: “Yes, I do, and yes, this was the year. But about two months ago he was diagnosed with cocaine addiction. So this next year will be spent getting him well. We’re confident he’ll be starting college next year, though. So far, so good. As you know, it takes time to recover from this disease, but he’s got such a great attitude and both my husband’s and my family have taken turns visiting and helping out. And you wouldn’t believe what they do nowadays. He’s got a nutritionist and a trainer to help him get the nutrition and exercise he needs to rebuild his brain health, which he’ll need to improve brain functioning, and a great support group – even a yoga instructor that works with addiction patients. He’ll be fine – it’ll just take some time.

And of course, in the revised conversation, if the Mary’s boss had asked, “Brain healing? – what’s that?,” Mary would have responded with something like, “Well it’s now understood that addiction is a brain disease that chemically and structurally changes the brain and that exercise and nutrition are two things that help to heal the brain – fascinating stuff, really.”

Scenario #2: With a friend

Mary’s Friend: “I heard John’s cancer has relapsed. I’m SOOOO sorry!!! How are you holding up? Is there anything I can do?”

Mary: “Yes, I’m afraid it did. We were shocked. We’d thought things were progressing so well, but the doctor told us relapse was a possibility. They’re going to do more rounds of chemo and then a stem cell transplant because his cancer is Leukemia, remember? – pretty amazing how they can treat it nowadays.”

Now re-read the above but substitute the words, “more rounds of chemo” with “cognitive behavioral therapy with an addiction’s specialist;” the words, “stem cell transplant” with “suboxone treatment;” and the words, “cancer is Leukemia” with “addiction is heroin.” So, Mary’s response would go like this:

“Yes, I’m afraid it did. We were shocked. We’d thought things were progressing so well, but the doctor told us relapse was a possibility. They’re going to do cognitive behavioral therapy with an addiction’s specialist along with Suboxone because his addiction is heroin, remember? – pretty amazing how they can treat it nowadays.”

And just imagine – in this new world of conversations, Mary’s friend would have added: “I’m sure John’ll be fine. But how about you – how are you holding up? Can I take the kids for an afternoon so you can go shopping or take a nap, even?”

And Mary would have embraced her and said, “Oh that’d be wonderful! How about next Tuesday?”

We can do this…

…and to help get you started or continuing on your way – check out this link and scroll down to the tweet-size information – click on those links for key shame shatterers and please tweet them or include them on your FB status updates or share the whole post – share with your doctor, your child’s pediatrician, your health insurance carrier, your elected officials. There’s a lot of education that has to happen, but remember the battle to fight cancer and HIV and know – We Can Do This!

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Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com

Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.

Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)

• Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
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