I am a died-in-the-wool list maker. They have been my “Hansel and Gretel, crumb-dropping pathway” through my secondhand drinking recovery and, well…, I’d have to add – managing my life overall. And when it comes to secondhand drinking or addiction recovery, it’s the managing of one’s life that’s so important in the prevention of relapse.

So where do lists come into play?

They help me get the swirling thoughts out of my head and down on a list or calendar or somewhere where I know I can find them when needed. For it’s the swirling thoughts that either get me started in my old worry loops or activate my old embedded brain maps that surround my old automatic reactions to similar emotions.  This post, “Understand Brain Maps | Change a Habit | Change Your Life,” explains this concept in more detail, as does this one, “Stress: ‘Is it a Stick or a Snake?‘” Now to the point of this post…

Help for Recovery – The Power of Lists (and this works for both secondhand drinking|drugging or addiction recovery)

Lists and Scheduling Time to Worry (and NOT) can help with recovery from addiction or secondhand drinking|drugging.

I’d like to share (with a few minor changes) the content of one of my earlier posts, titled: “Help for Families of Alcoholics | Addicts – Make Time to Worry (and NOT),” published January 9, 2009. I’ve shared this idea in so many of my presentations and in my work with those on both “sides” of this family disease and have been repeatedly been told it helps. So here’s to making lists (and scheduling time to worry, or NOT)!

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Lists and making time to worry (and NOT) can be a huge help in the recovery process because we Worry. Worry. Worry.  So much so that we can’t seem not to worry!

At least that was true for me. Over the past decades of loving and living with various loved ones’ alcohol abuse and alcoholism, I was wrought with worry — mostly brought on by fear of what would happen if _____ (he didn’t pay the mortgage, he’d stop at the bar, she’d get in a wreck driving home and worst of all, kill someone, he’d get drunk at lunch and forget to ____________ or she’d die of the physical complications of drinking too much). It felt like endless worry, and in reality, it was. But, I’ve since learned this is NORMAL when you live with active alcohol abuse and/or alcoholism and don’t understand the disease of alcoholism or the condition of alcohol abuse, let alone what’s happened to you.

Incessant, almost frantic, worry is one of the coping skills a person adopts while being overly consumed / concerned with the alcoholic’s or alcohol abuser’s behaviors. But while it’s normal, it doesn’t have to continue — even if you continue to live with a loved one who continues their alcohol abuse and/or addiction.

This is not to say that what I share next will end all worry. After years of therapy, research and Al-Anon, I still worry — mostly brought on by fear of what would happen if __________ (I don’t get the job I need, my health insurance application is not approved, my daughter can’t find a job after graduation….) But, today, worrying isn’t as destructive to my daily piece of mind and here’s why. I’ve learned to use the power of lists and to schedule time to worry and when that time’s up, that’s it for the day (of course, there’s always an exception now and then). Scheduling time to worry gives me the confidence that I’ve done what I can do for today, so I can enjoy the rest of the day having let go of the fear that can keep me stuck in worry. Here’s what I’ve found works for me:

1. Get started – make a list. Take some time to make a list of everything that’s on your mind — do this over the course of a few days because new worries will strike you as you go through your various routines.

2. Buy a week-at-a-glance calendar. At least this is the kind that works best for me — each day’s column is about 2 inches x 8 inches, which gives you lots of room to keep track of actions items that will relieve your worries.

3. Take your worries and break them down. One of the keys to keeping a worry going is to view it as a “do all or nothing.” By breaking it down, you create doable steps to getting it done. Say your worry is a need to find a job. A break down could be, “work on one page resume.” If your worry is a loved one’s drinking, your break down could be, “browse www.hbo.com/addiction website” or “spend 1 hour reading literature.”

4. Write Your Break Downs on Your Calendar and Set Up a File if Needed. Everything goes on my calendar — people’s birthdays, activities with friends, doctor/dentist appointments, work deadlines, etc. To this, I add the break downs I’ve created in step 3. You need to be realistic here — sometimes you may need to break a break down even further. Many times, I just put it on a day, any day, not that it has to be done that particular day, but it’s now tracked (see next step). If my worry involves paperwork, I set up a manila file folder of the same name so I can collect all the related paper-work in one place. On my calendar notation, I’ll add “see file” – jogs my memory that paperwork is involved. In this manner, each day on the calendar becomes my list for the day.

5. Now Worry. I set aside time to worry twice a day. Before I leave my desk for the evening and mid-way through my morning.

• In the evening, I check that day’s calendar. If I’ve done it all, great. If I have something left over, I record it on a day in the future (maybe tomorrow or maybe the following week). The idea is that when the day is done, I want to be able to line through that day’s calendar day — which let’s me know at a glance that everything is either done or now tracked elsewhere. In this manner, I can rest easy because everything is accounted for.
• Mid-morning, I regroup to see how my day’s going. I may need to move things around, reschedule appointments, take on some items from a day in the future because I want to schedule something else at that time…it just takes 5-10 minutes, but then, that’s it.

6. As new worries arise, jot them down. Of course, every day (especially if you live with children, a spouse or roommate), new things come up, most of which are pretty easy to accommodate within your calendar. But, when the big ones hit you, I tackle it by writing “the big worry” on a day in my calendar as something like, “figure out how to form LLC.” I may move that kind of an entry from one week to the next, until finally, I have the time to really grapple with it. Then, I break it down and schedule the break downs accordingly.

For me, getting control of my worrying has made a huge difference in my life. It’s allowed me to truly enjoy the other parts of my day because I know that I’ve done what I can do and that everything is tracked somewhere on a list :).

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Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com

Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.

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