Betrayal comes in many forms and is certainly a huge part of the relationship dynamics in families with untreated addiction or substance abuse, as family members jockey to accommodate, forgive, deflect or disbelieve the substance misuser’s promises to stop or cut down. In the following guest post, Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, and author of Codependency for Dummies, writes about betrayal – in this post, specifically the betrayal of adultery – and it’s impact on a person’s ability to trust.

Darlene Lancer, author of “Codependency for Dummies,” shares her post on betrayal.

After Adultery by Darlene Lancer

When a partner lies or cheats, the betrayal damages not only our ability to trust our mate, but often our trust in ourselves, our perceptions, other people, our sense of justice, or even God. Adultery, in particular, can negatively affect our self-esteem, if we allow it to. We might doubt our attractiveness, our judgment, and own perceptions. It can shake our sense of reality. We review and call into question all the past events through the lens of this newly acquired information that our partner was living a lie. We wonder who was he or she, really?  Did he really mean it when he said I looked nice? What was she thinking when we were on vacation last month – when we had sex? Our ability to trust the opposite sex can be shaken for a long time, if we don’t actively takes steps to heal. That may mean rebuilding trust with our partner as well as our hurt, self-esteem, and ability to trust ourselves.

The following is an excerpt from my article that originally appeared on my blog titled, “After Adultery,”

It must be cellular that men and women automatically feel humiliated when their partner cheats, even though they themselves have done nothing to be ashamed of. Too often, people feel embarrassed for their partners’ behavior, whether it’s domestic violence, emotional abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, gambling, or sex addiction, and too often, those addicts and abusers shift the blame onto their wives and husbands. It’s called “blaming the victim.” But the truth is that we are only responsible for our own behavior and others are responsible for theirs.

Betrayal is a devastating assault upon our ability to trust – trust in ourselves, other people, our sense of justice, even God. It can affect our self-esteem, if we let it. For some people, the worst part of adultery is the dishonesty – sharing our life with someone whom we discover has been living a lie day in and day out. We start to doubt our own senses, let alone our own attractiveness. Who was he or she, really?

 To read the rest of Darlene’s post, please click here

 And to learn more about Darlene and her work, please visit her websites, www.darlenelancer.com and www.whatiscodependency.com.

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