From Depression and Addiction, Comes a Story of Survival and Revival

…guest post by Erika Cormier, author of As the Smoke Clears, a Memoir…

The First Onset of Mental Illness and Drugs

Erika Cormier, author of the book, “As the Smoke Clears, a Memoir,” shares her incredible journey from addiction and depression to survival and revival.

I began to drink heavily when I first experienced anxiety at age 17. That was also the time when I watched my best friend and roommate overdose on our couch from drugs. We were addicted to cocaine for 2 years but witnessing that reality of life being fragile was enough for me to stop. But booze was another story; it was seemingly the perfect cure for my panic attacks that suddenly appeared at that time in my life. I continued on a daily diet of booze all through my 20’s but hid it well while I pursued my career as a writer. I got married, had a baby, bought a house, it never seemed to prevent me from reaching my goals. I started acknowledging the problem when I became pregnant with my only child and had to immediately abstain from alcohol. I couldn’t sleep, I was depressed, I didn’t eat and I then experienced post-partum depression, which alcohol only made worse. Then, overnight, opiates were one day part of the lives, of every close friend and some family members as well.

Enter Opiates and How They Destroyed my Life

I was 29 and my son less than 2, when I started to take opiates as a stress-reliever. It worked wonders, but not for very long. In a matter of months, my life was completely controlled by a fast-growing tolerance and a now, new addiction to battle. After 1 year of living a double-life and hiding my addiction to opiates from my husband, I disclosed everything to him and admitted that between the excess of alcohol and nonstop chase for drugs, I was indeed a mess and needed help.

I started outpatient treatment of suboxone in 2010, which to this day I credit with being a major contributor to my sobriety, but that doesn’t mean it was easy; it took several attempts at recovery, numerous relapses, a switch over to heroin and the worst period of my life was still to come; that period which happened over 5 months from October 2012 through March of 2013. I had been able to successfully quit drinking and have been in recovery from alcohol ever since, going on over 3 years now. But I spiraled out of control with heroin, spending every penny I had resulting in bankruptcy, and I developed crippling depression that fueled the fire even more.

When Depression and Addiction Consumed My Will to Die and the Complexity of Dual Diagnosis

In those 5 months, I required 7 inpatient hospitalizations totaling about 2 months time in all. I also attempted suicide when I was so low and so depressed, ashamed of my addiction and the inability to enter recovery and stay clean, that I truly did not want to live and there was nothing that could prevent me from believing I was not worthy of life ay longer. That was where my addiction brought me; to a full bottle of powerful Klonopin, which I swallowed all of in the desire to leave the world where I felt I no longer belonged. I gave up. I hated myself, and I couldn’t see how anyone could possibly love me when I had failed over and over again, unable to beat my addiction. I was hospitalized after that attempt and only 6 weeks later, I attempted again and overdosed. I was 32 years old, and I had resigned myself to the fact that maybe I belonged in an institution and that I was no longer capable of managing my life in any way, never mind the life of my son whom I loved, but I couldn’t pull myself together enough to show it for everyone who was watching me expecting me to change and get well, as I only got worse.

It was my 7th and final hospitalization that turned around my life. I was taken off of the stockpile of medicine I had been placed on that included over 12 medications per day. These medicines made me sicker because I was being drugged by doctors who thought I was crazy and needed to be sedated. I am truly lucky I didn’t die from those medications loaded within my body alongside the heroin, morphine and painkillers. I was then released to my father’s home because my husband filed for full custody and also filed for divorce. I could not go home.

When My Life was Finally Saved; by Myself

I lived with my father for only a couple weeks but a funny thing happened while back in my old city, I ran into an old friend who was going through a similar experience with her marriage and drugs, and it was as if I was looking at a reflection of myself in her. I finally thought to myself, what am I doing?

I saw in my reflection my sad life that I was ready to surrender too when I finally woke up and realized all that I was sacrificing. I had given up on my future, my marriage, my health, my family and most of all; I had given up on life itself. I was determined then that I would prove everybody wrong and that I would not continue on this path, that I was going to try and I was going to succeed. That tiny spark to prove to everyone that I was actually capable of recovering, the will to survive and to get well, changed my life. My husband who had supported me and was ever so patient through years of my addiction and failed recovery attempts and then through all the hospitalizations and suicide attempts, told me that he wanted me home and he was dropping the cases. With his support, I was able to focus on living for once instead of on dying. I’m forever grateful for his undying support.

My New Focus; Being Active in Helping Others Achieve Sobriety

Erika Cormier shares her full story in her book, “As the Smoke Clears, a Memoir.”

Since that time I have committed my work, my writing, to help reach out to people with addiction that want to enter recovery or those who are in recovery and need support. I was lucky to access some of the top psychiatric and substance abuse hospitals in the country, including McLean Hospital twice, and I know that the majority of addicts are not so lucky as to receive these services, if any. Those are the people who need support the most and that is the reason I came out and told my story in my memoir that was just released this February, As the Smoke Clears, a Memoir. I reach out by being active in several Facebook Recovery forums and support groups online every single day, and I am honored to speak to women one on one who seek support and advice. And for once in my life,I feel I have the most valuable advice I could ever provide; my recovery and my experience.

After talking with many women, the common thread among us is that we have low self-esteem when we enter recovery and an immense burden of shame and guilt, especially those who are mothers. I speak out and openly to convince women that they are not to be ashamed or feel guilty, and you know why; because they are SICK. They have an illness, a disease, and one that will take everything away from them they once held sacred and on top of that, still have a social stigma that points to the patient, the one who suffers the most, as the one responsible. Fighting that is not where my effort lies but convincing them that the stigma is not true is. Layer by layer we have to shed our guilt and release our shame in order to become well again, and we have to do the one thing we women have the hardest time with and that is putting ourselves first. Yes, we must do that or we will never be well enough to handle life’s stress and manage recovery, maintain sobriety and lead a happy, healthy and fulfilling life. And that really is the goal.

I am currently writing a guide where I am sharing every single piece of information I received through all my treatment, to people who cannot access the services for behavioral and psychological aspects of addiction and recovery, which is the area least addressed in addiction recovery although the longest persisting contributors to relapse and overdose fatalities. I have been drafting a bill to put caps on costs of medical treatments such as outpatient suboxone office fees, which is a large barrier preventing many from the treatment due to money-hungry physicians that charge $300, even $400 per month for a 5 minute visit and demand cash. It is injustice for sick people, and it is just one example of what needs to change to really help those seeking help and the pursuit of sobriety.

My Purpose

Will I succeed in all of these efforts? I don’t know; I really do not know. But for a long time I wondered and questioned why my life has been spared. Why did I survive this when so many peoples’ lives are cut short and who don’t get the unbelievable number of chances I have been given? Now I know. If what I have decided to dedicate my career to, to spread awareness of addiction, to support those in recovery, to initiate change in how addicts are treated; if one single person reading this post comes away feeling better about themselves then that is the reason I have been spared.

Erika can be reached via email at ehh80@comcast.net or followed on Facebook.

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