Our interactions with our children as their brains are developing can have a significant influence on that development and therefore a child’s very being. For that reason, I am thrilled to announce Parenting Coach and Temperament Specialist, Rona Renner, RN and former host of the “Childhood Matters” Radio Show, has a new book, Is That Me Yelling? a Parent’s Guide to Getting Your Kids to Cooperate Without Losing Your Cool. I was a guest on Rona’s radio show a few times and was always impressed with her deep dedication to helping parents be their best, which in turn, helps children to be their best. Not only that, she is such a kind, warm, approachable person!

To learn about Rona, visit her website, www.nurserona.com, and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

And now, it’s my great pleasure to share this interview with Rona so that you might learn about her work and new book!

Please tell readers a bit about yourself and your work.

I grew up in the projects in Brooklyn N.Y. I became an RN in 1966, at a time when that was one of the most “acceptable” professions for a young women to do. I worked in hospitals and clinics and learned more than I would have imagined about solving problems and caring for all types of people.

As a nurse I’ve developed many practical skills along with deeper traits such as compassion and persistence. I have worked with cardiac and medical patients, women and their newborn babies, alcoholics in a rehabilitation unit, geriatric patients, healthy children getting preventive care, as well as children and families with medical and behavioral diseases, disorders, and differences. I helped to start a Learning Disability program with a colleague of mine, Dr. Anjali Morris, in Pune India, and while living in Africa I taught childbirth classes and did other volunteer jobs.

In 1991, while working in the Pediatric Department at Kaiser Permanente in Richmond CA, I was fortunate to be trained as a Temperament Counselor. Since then I’ve been working with parents to understand children’s behavior, and to develop strategies based on factors including temperament traits. Temperament is a person’s natural style of moving in the world, and the more parents understand about temperament (their own and their child’s) the easier it is to provide guidance and discipline that is appropriate.

In 2002 I launched two radio shows for parents and providers so that free information about child development and health could be disseminated to a large audience of listeners. Besides being the Executive Director of the non-profit organization, I was also the host of Childhood Matters radio show.

I am fortunate to have four adult children and two grandson’s, and a husband who is also my best friend.

What prompted you to write, Is That Me Yelling?

In the classes I taught, parents frequently asked, “Why am I yelling so much? Is there a way to stop? I don’t like the person I have become!” The parental stress and lack of support I was seeing usually had negative consequences for the entire family. I wrote Is That Me Yelling? in order to reach a large number of parents with easy-to-understand strategies and stories so they would not feel so alone in their struggle to be respectful and connected parents. As an advocate for children I wanted people to understand that yelling has consequences, and that children suffer—especially when yelling and harsh words are said on a regular basis. For some parents, yelling escalates and can lead to other forms of punishment, such as hitting or humiliation.

I wrote Is That Me Yelling? based on the experiences I had as a parent of four children, as a parent educator, and as a radio show host. I learned to yell less, and I knew that other parents could as well.

In your book, you write, “In some ways yelling has become the ‘new spanking.'” Can you elaborate on what you mean by this statement?

Even though spanking is still a popular form of punishment in our country, research and media attention over the years has informed parents that hitting a child has serious negative consequences. An example is this statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics July, 2012: “The use of physical punishment to discipline children has been linked to a range of mental health problems and is strongly opposed by the American Academy of Pediatrics.”  There seems to be a slow decline in the use of corporal punishment, although some surveys say that two-thirds of Americans still think that spanking their kids is an acceptable form of discipline.

As some parents decided not to hit their children anymore, due to social pressure or their own convictions, yelling was substituted. Yelling is a way to let a child know that you mean business and a way to frighten a child into listening to a parent’s demands or requests. For some parents who decided not to spank, yelling was the only other form of discipline they had learned from their own childhood or the parents in their current environment. Similar to spanking, yelling is usually something that is done when a parent has lost control and emotions have taken over. I’ve heard parents say that they don’t yell or spank when they are angry, but I believe that most of the time, yelling and hitting is an emotional reaction rather than a calm controlled method of discipline. When we intimidate a child we are teaching children that “might makes right.”

I liked this suggestion of yours, “the more you direct loving kindness toward yourself and others, the more relaxed and aware you will become.” Do you have suggestions for how parents can do this?

I believe many people in our country were not taught as children how to develop and feel compassion. Most parents I know are hard on themselves, and hold on to guilt and shame about the mistakes they have made as a parent. It’s so easy to make mistakes, and yet so hard to forgive ourselves. I speak from personal experience. Self- compassion can be cultivated.

In the book I have offered stories and a simple meditation to increase self-compassion. I have also provided other resources on compassion—one being the groundbreaking work of Dr. Kristin Neff. Her website is filled with information and inspiration.

The first step for me was to increase my awareness of my thoughts and feelings, and to learn to do this without judgment. Doing a mindfulness practice has made a huge difference for me. My book has lots of examples of this.

What three key take-aways you hope readers have when they’ve finished with your book?

I wish that all children learn kindness and how to resolve conflicts without causing someone else pain or humiliation. Therefore the more adults model respect while offering guidance and discipline, the easier it will be for children to learn healthy life skills and feel secure and loved. Children do need discipline, but they can be taught without intensity and disrespect.

There are three suggestions I make at the end of the book for people to consider each day.

1. What will I discover today that brings meaning to my life?
2. What will I learn from my children and what will they learn from me?
3. How can I offer love, comfort, or peace to someone?

Thank you, Rona, for sharing your work and new book here on BreakingTheCycles.com. And for readers, I highly recommend Rona’s book – it’s excellent! You can purchase a copy here: Is That Me Yelling? a Parent’s Guide to Getting Your Kids to Cooperate Without Losing Your Cool.