Darlene Lancer, author of Codependency for Dummies, shares her thoughts on obsession and love addictions in her following guest post…

Just as an addict obsesses on his drug of choice, as codependents, we obsess on the addict. Obsessions, although painful, can keep us in denial of even more painful feelings and fears. Thus, it can be looked at as a defense to pain. An obsession can keep at bay underlying emotions, such as grief, loneliness, anger, emptiness, shame, and fear. It may be the fear of rejection or the fear of losing a loved one to a drug addiction. Sometimes, we can obsess about a small problem to avoid facing a larger one. For example, a mother of a drug addict might obsess about her son’s sloppiness, but not confront or even admit to herself that he could die from his addiction. A perfectionist might obsess about a minor flaw in his or her appearance, but not acknowledge feelings of inferiority or unlovability.

Darlene Lancer on love addictions and obsession.

Denial is a major symptom of codependency – denial of painful realities, of addiction (ours and other’s), and denial of our needs and feelings. Many codependents are unable to identify their feelings, or they may be able to name them, but not feel them. This inability to tolerate painful emotions is one reason why as codependents we tend to obsess. Often feelings are “shame-bound” because they were shamed in childhood. When they arise in adulthood, we might obsess instead. If we believe we shouldn’t feel anger or express it, we might not be able to let go of resentment about someone rather than allow ourselves to feel angry. If sadness was shamed, we might obsess about a romantic interest to avoid feeling the pain of loneliness or rejection.

Of course, sometimes, we really are obsessing because we’re very afraid a loved one will die drunk driving get arrested, overdose, or commit suicide. Our obsessions can feed frantic, compulsive attempts to control others, such as following someone, reading another person’s diary, emails, or texts, diluting bottles of liquor, hiding keys, or searching for drugs. None of this helps, but only causes more chaos and conflict. The more we’re obsessed with someone else, the more of ourselves we lose. When asked how we are, we may quickly change the subject to the person we’re obsessed with.

Some codependents are consumed by obsessive love. Please continue reading more on this topic by clicking on my article, “Obsessions and Love Addiction.”

Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, is the author of Codependency for Dummies. You can now preorder: Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Follow Darlene on Facebook or visit her website, DarleneLancer.com or call her at 310.458.0016.

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