Children are often hurt the most by a parent’s alcoholism because they do not have any basis for understanding what is happening. Psychotherapist and author, Carolyn Hannan, has written two books, Daddy’s Disease and Mommy’s Disease, to help caring adults and parents explain alcoholism to children. I was thrilled to learn of her work and her books and invited her to do the following interview – thank you, Carolyn!

Please tell readers a bit about yourself and your work.

I am a Psychotherapist in South Jersey. I started working with my mother, a Psychologist, when my sons were 9 and 11. Before that time, I  worked as a musician. My family has struggled with alcoholism, and “mood-ism”, in different ways for many years. Alanon has helped me through some very hard times, as did Melody Beattie with her wonderful book, “Codepedent No More“. I have learned to see my struggles as blessings as they have helped me to better understand and help my clients, and myself.

What prompted you to write these two books to help explain alcoholism to children?

I feel very strongly that by helping children to think about and understand their life in emotionally healthy ways we can prevent so much future distress, dysfunction and pain. But, the initial prompting to write these books came from one of my clients, a recovering alcoholic, with a young daughter. He wanted to be able to talk to his daughter about his alcoholism but was unsure of how to do that. He searched for  children’s book that would help him do the job in a way he was comfortable with but was unhappy with the results. So, based on our discussions about his alcoholism, he asked me to write the book. Daddy’s Disease was the result, which was soon followed by Mommy’s Disease.

How do you suggest a parent introduce the book to their child – all at once, over time or ?

I think this very much depends on the child and the child’s age. Children usually let us know what they are able to digest by either saying, “that’s enough”, or by walking away, losing focus, etc. If a child is interested and focused I think it’s great to read the book all at once and more than once. It’s also imperative to talk about the concepts in the book as well to make sure the child understands things accurately and clearly.

What are the three most important things a child must understand about their parent’s disease?

The first and most important thing is that a child understands that their parent’s disease is not their fault–that their parent’s actions are not due, in any way, to how he or she feels about their child.

The second is that other people’s behavior is not our fault. We cannot control anyone’s behavior except for our own. It doesn’t matter how smart, pretty, handsome, perfect, funny, etc. we are–people behave the way they do because of who THEY are, not because of who WE are.

The third is that alcoholism is a disease–and there are treatments for this disease. Their parent is not a bad person because he/she is an alcoholic. Their parent is someone with an illness, and a choice. It’s very difficult, of course, if that parent chooses to keep drinking, but that still doesn’t make them bad, and it still has nothing to do with who their child is, or how they feel about them.

What are the three most important things a child should understand about what they (the child) can and cannot do about their parent’s disease?

There is NOTHING a child can do about their parent’s disease. It’s so important to help our children understand that their only control, and the only control they’ll ever need, is in controlling their own behavior, and the choices they make in who they want to be and how they want to live their life. It is important to teach a child that he/she should stay away from a parent who is under the influence, to never get into a car with a parent under the influence, and to seek the comfort of someone they trust in such situations. It’s important to empower a child in this way–to teach them that they do not have to be victims of bad behavior.

How can parents encourage their children to talk about their parent’s disease, the feelings they’re having and about the other dynamics going on in the family as a result of the disease (for example, Mommy is angry or gets mad easily – and mommy is not the parent with the
disease)?

I think the best way to encourage a child to talk is to talk ourselves. If we talk about how we feel, if we share our observations in a healthy and constructive way, if we explain things as they are happening so that a child can understand a situation in the moment in a healthy way we are modeling healthy communication and openness for our kids.

What other kind of help should a child be offered?

Alateen and Alatot are wonderful organizations where a child can learn that he/she is not the only one who is suffering from alcoholism. Isolation and feeling different are very damaging for kids and these groups of kids, all dealing with similar situations, can be very healing. Counseling can also be extremely helpful in that it can encourage communication and dialogue as well as clarify misinterpretation, misunderstanding and misinformation that the child may be experiencing.

Where can readers buy your books and learn more about your work?

“Daddy’s Disease” and “Mommy’s Disease” are both available on Amazon.com in paperback and ebook and accessible by clicking the linked titles.

Please feel free to contact me via email at carolynhannan@gmail.com.