Darlene Lancer Shares Her Thoughts on People-Pleasers
Author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, Darlene Lancer shares her thoughts on people-pleasers …
Are You a People-Pleaser? Do you ever feel trapped? When you want to say no, you feel guilty, but sometimes feel resentful when you say yes – damned if you do and damned if don’t.
Do you put in extra time at work and try to please family and friends or a boss and feel unappreciated or get passed over for a promotion. Your love life might suffer, too. You give and give to your partner, but feel that and your needs and desires aren’t considered. You may begin to feel bored, joyless, or mildly depressed. The anger, resentment, hurt, and conflict you try to avoid continue to grow. Being alone might appear to be a welcome escape from these challenges, but then you’d end up sacrificing your connection to others, which is what you truly want. Sometimes, it seems like you have to choose between sacrificing yourself or sacrificing a relationship.
It’s Easier to Just Go Along
Author Darlene Lancer shares her thoughts on people-pleasers.
Accommodating others is so ingrained that stopping is not only difficult, it’s terrifying. If you look around, you might notice other people who are well-liked and don’t people-please. You may even know someone who is kind or admired and is able to say no to requests and invitations. What’s more, they don’t seem to agonize about it with guilt. How they do that is baffling. You might even envy someone quite popular who doesn’t give a hoot about what others think. If you bother to reflect on all this, you may wonder how you got into such a mess and question your fundamental belief that pleasing is the road to acceptance.
Although there are other people who choose to be cooperative and kind, you don’t feel as if you have a choice. It can be as hard to say no to someone who needs you as it is to someone who abuses you. In either case, you fear it will negatively affect your relationship, and the guilt and fear of rejection or disappointing someone is overwhelming. You may have loved ones or friends who would become indignant and even retaliate if you were to say no. Each time, it gets easier to agree when you rather not or to go along and not object. You can turn into a human pretzel trying to win the love or approval of someone you care for – especially in a romantic relationship.
Starting in Childhood
The problem is that for your pleasing is more than kindness. It’s your personality style. Some children decide that accommodating their parents’ wishes is the safest way to survive in a world of powerful adults and best way to win their parents acceptance and love. They try to be good and not make waves. “Good” means what parents want. Their parents may have had high expectations, been critical, had rigid rules, withheld love or approval, or punished them for “mistakes,” dissent, or showing anger. Some children learn to acquiesce merely by observing their parents’ actions with each other or another sibling. When parental discipline is unfair or unpredictable, children learn to be careful and cooperative to avoid it. You may be more sensitive and have a low tolerance for conflict or separation from parents due to genetic makeup, early interactions with parents, or a combination of various factors.
People-Pleasers Pay a Price
Unfortunately, becoming a people-pleaser sets you on a path of becoming alienated from your innate, true self. The underlying belief is that who you are isn’t lovable. Instead, you idealize being loved as a means to self-worth and happiness to the point that you crave it. Your need to be accepted, understood, needed, and loved causes you to be compliant and self-effacing. Unconsciously you conclude, “If you love me, then I’m lovable.” “You” comes to mean just about everyone, including people incapable of love!
Preserving your relationships is your uppermost mandate. You strive to be lovable and charitable and reject character traits that you decide won’t serve that goal. You can end up squelching entire chunks of your personality that are incompatible, like showing anger, winning competitions, exercising power, getting attention, setting boundaries, or disagreeing with others. Even when not asked, you willingly give up separate interests that would mean time away from a loved one. The slightest look of disappointment (which you may inaccurately infer) is enough to deter you from doing something on your own.
Assertiveness feels harsh, setting limits feels rude, and requesting that your needs be met sounds demanding. You may not believe you have any rights at all or feel guilty expressing needs, if you’re even aware of them. You consider it selfish to act in your self-interest. You may even have been called selfish by a selfish parent or spouse. Your guilt and fear of abandonment may be so strong that you stay in an abusive relationship rather than leave.
It’s not surprising that you’re often attracted to someone who is the opposite – whose power, independence, and certitude you admire. Over time, you can start to think that unlike you, they’re selfish. In fact, you probably wouldn’t be attracted to someone of the opposite sex who is as kind and pleasing as you are. You would consider them weak, because deep down you dislike yourself for being so compliant. Moreover, getting your needs met doesn’t rank high on your list. You’d rather be submissive – but eventually pay a price for it.
You’re not aware that each time you hide who you are to please someone else, you give up a little self-respect. In the process, your true self (what you really feel, think, need, and want) retreats a bit more. You become accustomed to sacrificing your needs and wants for so long that you may not know what they are. Decades of conveniently accommodating “just this time” whittles away at your connection to your true self, and your life and relationships begin to feel empty of joy and passion.
You can change!
It’s possible to change and find your voice, your power, and your passion. It requires getting reacquainted with that Self you’ve hidden, discovering your feelings and needs, and risking asserting and acting on them. It’s a process of raising your sense of self-worth and self-esteem and healing the shame you may not even know that you carry, but it’s a worthy adventure of self-reclamation. Learn more about the steps you can take in my books and ebooks on my website, www.whatiscodependency.com.
©Darlene Lancer 2014
Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, is the author of Codependency for Dummies, and most recently, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Follow Darlene on Facebook or visit her website, DarleneLancer.com or call her at 310.458.0016.
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Very well written, describes me to a tee. I have always been trying to be a people pleaser, and it always seems to get me into trouble. It’s good to know that there is a way to get out of this vicious cycle.
Very well written article. It describes me exactly. It’s good to know that there are others out there who are people pleasers, and there’s a way to get out of being that person.
Hi Kris,
Glad you can relate. Letting you know we an really change! Check out my website, http://www.whatiscodependency.com, and see my ebook, “How to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits.” It takes guts and practice, but it works.