Codependency in addiction is often written about, but the issue of a codependent “wanting” their loved one to stay addicted is rarely addressed. Today’s guest post by Liz Karter tackles this issue.

Liz Karter is a leading UK therapist in addiction, practicing since 2001, specialising in gambling addiction and women. Author of Women and Problem Gambling and Working with Women’s Groups for Problem Gambling, Liz also regularly writes for recovery sites and magazines including FloridaBeachRehab.com. With a great reputation for making sense of addiction,Liz has made numerous national and international TV and radio appearances. Follow Liz on Twitter @liz_karter or visit her website, LevelGroundTherapy.

Codependency in Addiction: When you feel it Pays for your Partner to Stay Addicted By Liz Karter

“I want you to stop going to counseling. You’ve changed,” Sharon shouted at Tony, her husband, in treatment for gambling addiction. Surely, isn’t change the whole point of counseling? When it comes to counseling for addiction, however, sometimes the partner of the addicted person gets more than they bargained for. The deal was their partner changing the destructive addictive behaviour, but they did not realise that when positive changes in addictive patterns occur, what also changes is established patterns in relationships.

If relational patterns have, like the addiction, been in part damaging or destructive, constant focus of both partners on the addiction may have hidden those problems. The addiction may even have been an escape from those problems. So, change to stuck, unhealthy relationship patterns is good and healthy, but to some partners of those in addiction recovery, this feels very scary.

Before recovery started, arguments between the couple focussed on blaming the addicted person and their behaviour and so hid problems directly related to the relationship or individuals. Intense guilt felt by the addicted person meant that they too blamed themselves for everything, feeling they did not have the right to stand up for themselves and that they deserved anything and everything partner aimed their way. As recovery grows stronger, and with it the self esteem of the previously addicted partner, relationship problems have nowhere to hide. Sometimes, problems are found to be not only in the addict and impact of the addiction on the relationship and long suffering partner, but in the partner’s insecurities. It may not have been conscious awareness, but they have received a payoff for suffering the pain of being in relationship with an addict.

Let’s look at hypothetical scenarios for Sharon and Tony as examples:

Sharon was generally insecure: Tony being addicted to gambling, despite the chaos, anxiety and uncertainty, made Sharon feel more secure in the relationship. When addicted, Tony was vulnerable, childlike and with his unpredictable and irresponsible behaviour, unable to function well independently. He needed Sharon to rescue him. When rescuing Tony, it exhausted and frustrated her, but Sharon felt needed and important. In recovery, Tony became more confident, happier and wanted to get out in the world and start living. Sharon felt threatened, it raised all kinds of insecurities and anxieties in her; what if Tony made new friends and needed Sharon less? What if he met another more attractive woman? She believed that without being needed as Tony’s rescuer, she had no valuable role. In order to feel validated, rescuer’s need someone vulnerable. Sharon found herself thinking that maybe, it would be better if Tony had never recovered after all.

Sharon liked to Control: Tony being addicted gave Sharon a feeling of power that felt important to her. Her childhood had been disrupted by chaotic parents, so being in control felt vital. She had control of Tony’s money as a strategy for him to avoid gambling. It was important for him to be accountable for the time he spent too, so she always knew where he was. Initially it was Sharon who pushed for Tony to go to counselling to stop gambling. But these other changes in him made her feel things were slipping beyond her control. As he learnt to use remorse as a positive drive to move recovery forward, instead of using guilt as a stick to beat himself, Tony became more assertive. They would argue more as he would stand his ground over what he believed was fair; such as having some money of his own and spending some time alone. As Tony’s addiction- free Adult self grew, so did Sharon’s need for control. His confidential counseling sessions made her suspicious; What were Tony and the counsellor saying about her? What was Tony plotting? She wanted him to stop counselling and withheld fees for sessions, saying they could not afford them. If Tony lost his recovery, she kept control.

Sharon had a hidden addiction: Sharon always had liked a drink and sometimes she drank a lot. When Tony became addicted to gambling, the drama of debt and his depression put her drinking in the shade. When Tony started doing well in recovery, no longer preoccupied by his addiction, he noticed and commented on Sharon’s drinking. Sharon felt ashamed but resentful, too. She had stood by Tony through his gambling addiction, giving her time, money and energy. She did not want to face another battle with her own addiction. The more Tony criticised her drinking, the more inadequate she felt, the more defensive she became. She felt life was easier when Tony’s addiction was the problem; they were more equal and the attention on him. During an argument she told him “You know what? I think you were more fun when you were gambling!”

In each scenario, Sharon’s payoff for Tony staying addicted was it eased her own anxieties around change

It is natural to feel some anxiety around change, but if you recognize your anxiety is blocking a rewarding recovery for you and your partner, here are the first steps:

• Acknowledge your fears. Hiding anxiety feeds it, so being open with yourself and your partner will help.
• Go easy on yourself. Try to roll with change. You will feel better for letting yourself off the hook of trying to control everything. It is impossible and exhausting!
• Focus on you. The better you feel about yourself, the less anxious you will feel about losing your partner.

Everyone comes to a relationship with past experiences influencing how they think, feel and behave. Some negative experiences may still be causing anxieties, insecurities, a need to control or put you in danger of addiction. Counselling can free you from that anxiety trap. With your partner free from addiction and you free to enjoy it, that could take your relationship to great places.

.