Living with an addict | alcoholic can spiral one’s life into a place of confusion, anger, frustration, despair…, leaving a person a shell of their former self. Here to help us understand this dynamic and what to do about it is Darlene Lancer, author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Her latest eBook is titled, Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps. It’s always a pleasure to share Darlene’s work. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com

Living With an Addict | Alcoholic by Darlene Lancer

Taking an excerpt from my original post, Do You Love an Addict?, appearing on my blog, DarleneLancer.com, in the fall of 2014,

Living with an addict can be a living hell. Unpredictable and dangerous, yet sometimes exciting and romantic. Never knowing when we’ll be blamed or accused. Not being able to dependably plan social events. As the addict becomes more irresponsible, we pick up the slack and do more, often becoming the sole functioning parent or even the sole provider; yet we’re unable to lean on our partner for comfort or support. Meanwhile, we rescue him or her from disasters, medical emergencies, accidents, or jail, make excuses for no-shows at work and family gatherings, and patch up damaged property, relationships, and self-inflicted mishaps. We may also endure financial hardship, criminality, domestic violence, or infidelity due to the addict’s behavior.

We worry, feel angry, afraid, and alone. We hide our private lives from friends, co-workers, and even family to cover up the problems created by addiction or alcoholism. Our shame isn’t warranted; nonetheless, we feel responsible for the actions of the addict. Our self-esteem deteriorates from the addict’s lies, verbal abuse, and blame. Our sense of safety and trust erodes as our isolation and despair grow. My focus is on alcoholism, but many of the feelings partner’s experience are the same, regardless of the type of addiction.

But it’s not just the person with the disease who is affected. Again, sharing from my original post referenced above,

Alcoholism is “a family disease.” It’s said that at least five other people experience the effects of each drinker’s alcoholism, coined “secondhand drinking,” by Lisa Frederiksen. We try to control the situation, the drinking, and the alcoholic. If you live with an alcoholic, you’re affected most, and children severely suffer because of their vulnerability and lack of maturity, especially if their mother or both parents are addicts.

It’s painful to helplessly watch someone we love slowly destroy him or herself, our hopes and dreams, and our family. We feel frustrated and resentful from repeatedly believing the addict’s broken promises and from trying to control an uncontrollable situation. This is our denial. In time, we become as obsessed with the alcoholic as he or she is with alcohol. We may look for him or her in bars, count his or her drinks, pour out booze, or search for bottles. As it says in Al-Anon’s “Understanding Ourselves,” “All our thinking becomes directed at what the alcoholic is doing or not doing and how to get the drinker to stop drinking.” Without help, our codependency follows the same downward trajectory of alcoholism.

To find out my suggestions for what a person who lives with and addict | alcoholic can do to change their life (this change is independent of whether your loved one seeks or sustains recovery), please read my full post, Do You Love an Addict?, which first appeared on my blog, DarleneLancer.com.

©Darlene Lancer 2014. Excerpts reprinted with permission.

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