Guest article by Darlene Lancer, Author of “Conquering Shame and Codependency, 8 Things to Freeing the True You”

Toxic shame – sometimes called Internalized Shame – is typically at the root of codependency or addiction. Here to help us understand this dynamic and what to do about it is Darlene Lancer, author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Darlene’s latest eBook is titled, Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps. It’s always a pleasure to share Darlene’s work. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com

Toxic Shame (aka Internalized Shame) by Darlene Lancer

Toxic shame ruins lives. It usually starts in childhood as a result of chronic or less frequent, but severe experiences of shame. Parents communicate shame to their children through verbal messages or nonverbal behavior. Even a parent’s depression, absence, indifference, or irritability can make a child feel inadequate or rejected. Competitiveness and over-correcting behavior are also examples of unintentional shaming. A child needs to feel loved by both parents for his or her individuality. When children are scolded harshly, they feel alone and ashamed, unless the parent-child bond of love is soon repaired. However, even after toxic shame has been internalized, it can be reversed by therapy or later positive life experiences.

Some of the beliefs that accompany internalized shame are listed below. Underneath, the basic assumption is “I’m unlovable and unworthy of connection.”

• I’m stupid
• I’m unattractive (especially to a romantic partner)
• I’m a failure
• I’m a bad person
• I’m a fraud or phony
• I’m selfish
• I’m not enough (this belief can be applied to numerous areas)
• I hate myself
• I don’t matter
• I’m defective, inadequate
• I shouldn’t have been born
• I’m unlovable

Usually, normal shame passes like any other emotion, but toxic shame hangs around. It can totally absorb us and our life or it may remain unconscious, but be very powerful and linger once it’s been triggered. Some other key differences between ordinary and toxic shame is that the latter is more intense and can be triggered by our own thoughts – meaning that there’s no external event causing the shame. The event or events happened long ago in childhood, but once internalized, they needn’t be remembered. Toxic shame creates “shame anxiety,” so that we worry about being rejected or feeling ashamed. It also leads to codependency and addiction, as well as aggression, hopelessness and depression, eating disorders, and PTSD.

To read more on the causes and characteristics of toxic shame, please read my post, “What is Toxic Shame?,” and for help with healing from toxic shame and building your self-esteem, check out my book, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.

©Darlene Lancer 2015

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