Grandparents Raising Grandchildren of Addicted Parents
There are many reasons grandparents find themselves raising their grandchildren. This article is specifically for grandparents raising grandchildren of addicted parents. In other words, they’ve stepped up because their own adult child is incapable of raising their own child as a result of their addiction.
I’m writing this because the ramifications for all concerned – grandparents, the grandchildren, the addicted children – as well as the potential for the cycle of addiction to continue or the trauma for a child whose parent finds sobriety, takes them back, but then relapses and returns them to their grandparents, are huge. Huge.
As with others in a family with a loved one with addiction, the stigma, secrecy and shame can be staggeringly crippling for grandparents and their grandchildren who find themselves in this position. In my view, this is one of the least understood or addressed examples of secondhand drinking | secondhand drugging, which refers to the negative impacts of a person’s drinking or drugging behaviors on others.
So here are some suggestions to help grandparents who find themselves raising their grandchildren because their child is addicted to drugs or alcohol. This information will help you better understand things like, why your child continues their drug or alcohol use in spite of what it’s doing to their child, what your grandchild may experience as a result of being born to a drug or alcohol addicted mother who was actively using while pregnant, where to find help and support for yourself, how to set boundaries with your addicted adult child and so forth.
Before you continue, however, please understand you cannot do this all at once. Skimming through this article may feel daunting and the suggestions impossible to do, so take your time, take breaks, come back to it when you’re ready to continue.
Learn as Much as You Can About the Brain Disease of Addiction, Secondhand Drinking/Secondhand Drugging and Addiction Recovery
This will help you answer the question, “How can they do this to their own children?” It will also help you better understand the impacts on you and your grandchildren (i.e., secondhand drinking / secondhand drugging).
- Learn about the brain disease of addiction, including the five key risk factors that contribute to a person developing the disease (yes, developing – people are not born addicts/alcoholics), which include: mental illness, childhood trauma, genetics, early use and social environment.
- Gain more understanding about Why Addicts | Alcoholics Lie, Cheat and Steal from those they love the most.
- Understand The Dance of the Family Disease of Addiction and that you’ve been deeply changed, too – check out The Brain and the Secondhand Drinking Connection, as well.
- Understand that if your addicted adult child has a co-occurring mental disorder, BOTH it and their addiction must be treated at the same time, otherwise the potential to relapse is huge. Check out Co-Occurring Disorders Require Co-Occurring Treatments.
Understand that for all concerned, change requires changing brain maps because brain maps are our habits – how we cope, how we react. Check out Understand Brain Maps | Change a Habit | Change Your Life.- And, if you only have time to read ONE resource, check out my latest book released November 2019, 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much.
Find Support for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren of Addicted Parents (Including General Support for Raising Grandchildren)
General support around raising grandchildren:
- AARP’s Guide for GrandFamilies – things to know if you’re just starting to care for a grandchild.
- GrandFamilies.org – offers a national legal resource in support of GrandFamilies within and outside the child welfare system.
Support around coping with your child’s (your grandchildren’s parents’) addiction:
- Al-Anon / Al-Ateen Family Groups – 12-step program for friends and families of problem drinkers.
- Nar-Anon Family Groups – 12-step program for families and friends of people with drug use problems.
- NAMI Family to Family– National Alliance on Mental Illness peer-led support group for family members, caregivers and loved ones of individuals living with mental illness [often people who have addiction also have a mental illness].
- SMART Recovery for Family & Friends – non-12-step program for family and friends of someone who misuses drugs or alcohol.
Understand Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)
Another aspect of all this is what your grandchild may have experienced as a young child, regardless of whether their mother was using drugs or alcohol while pregnant. It has to do with what are called Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs).
Two excellent resources are ACEsTooHigh and the CDC website explaining the ACEs Study, major findings and similar information.
Bottom Line
Know – the mere fact your grandchild has you – a loving, caring adult – in their lives goes a long, long way to building their resiliency in spite of what all they’ve faced thus far. Not only that but the 21st century neuroscience research shows the brain is “plastic” – it can heal, it can re-wire, it can thrive – which of course, means your grandchild can, too!
© 2015 Lisa Frederiksen
Lisa Frederiksen
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Lisa, thank you for the good information here. Too many grandparents find themselves in this situation and are looking for answers. Thanks for sharing your list of resources.
This is, as you say, HUGE material, Lisa. Grandparents having to take the care baton from their children happens all too frequently within the realm of substance and emotional/mental situations. And I’ve always had great respect for the grandparents who step up to the plate and stabilize a nasty set of circumstances. And let’s not forget the grandchildren, who may be in varying states of shock. You provide quality resource information (as always) that will make a positive difference in many lives. It’s appreciated…
Bill
Thank you, Bill. I appreciate you stopping by and adding your insights, and you raise an excellent point, grandchildren in this position are so vulnerable on so many fronts.
I was wondering if you had any articles on the life for the baby born. I was born to an addict but very blessed to be raised by my grandparents. I know nobody with the same circumstances and just wanted to see how they felt. Or how ir affected their lifes later. Thanks in advance.
Hi Blanca,
Thank you for writing. There are no articles like that on the BTC website, however you may find going to an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting or two helpful as you will find other people there – they may not be exactly in your position but have experiences that are similar. http://www.adultchildren.org/
Another possibility is to browse the ACEs Too High website http://acestoohigh.com/ for articles like those you’re searching for.
I wish you all the best,
Lisa
I have a friend that close to having a nervous breakdown. She is raising her 18 month old grandson due to her daughter being addicted to drugs. I’m looking for her some support groups. Can anyone advise, point me in the right direction? Please.
Hi Leanne – have her try these resources and tell her she’s free to call me, as well (no charge) 650-362-3026 – I may not be in my office but will return her call as soon as I can.
http://www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com/State_information.htm
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grandparenting/grandparents-as-parents.htm
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1462509150/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687522&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0834125633&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0TTVW3M83KDP2TM07AVW
My daughter has been using drugs for about 15 years. Ive been raising 2 of the granddaughters for 6 years while their mom is in n out of treatment ctrs n jails. She continually relapses after a few months of clean time. I am tired of giving her chances and especially of the hurt she causes her daughters. I love my daughter but when is enough enough?
I’m so sorry to hear all of what you are going through, Kathleen. There is a lot of information I can share that may help you, so please email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com and we can set up a time to talk (no charge).
I hear you. We are at the enough point now. We have our 3 grandchildren under the age of 6y/o. This last relapse was all we could do and have decided it is entirely up to her now. Other then raising the kids, we can not support her anymore, in any way. It is so heartbreaking to be at this point, but no other choice can we see.
The littles of Massachusetts. Its on Facebook, we are all grandparents raising grandchildren, at all different ages due to substance and alcohol diseases. No judgment within our group, just love and support of one another!
I so agree, Jerry… it sure was heartening to hear President Obama pledged $1.1 billion in new funding to address the prescription opioid abuse and heroin use epidemic. I realize it’s just one portion of this HUGE problem, but it sends a message https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/02/02/president-obama-proposes-11-billion-new-funding-address-prescription. Thanks for your comment.
Our situation of raising our grandchildren, 3 under the age of 6y/o is so not understood by so many. Everyone says “the children are lucky to have us.” “Don’t know how you do it.” This is family and friends saying it, but offer no to very little help. Then when it gets to the point that we as a parent to the addict, needs to cut the tie with our child so we can focus on the grandchildren, you get looks and just know they’re thinking “how can you turn your back on your child.” The answer is “how can we not!?” They don’t realize the hell we’ve gone through and now at 51, our life is gone, at least the life we planned. We’ll be parenting our grandchildren until retirement, no “freedom” for us. The resentment is so huge! Many times wondering, how can we do this… Could write a book! We tried to look for support groups and tried starting one, which flopped. Being the grandparents, we don’t have a parent to watch the kids, we are it.
John, I totally understand where your coming from. I raise my 7 year old grandchild. The mother has been a drug addict/prostitute for years and gets “clean” every so often but it never sticks. We have cut ties ourselves. And you are right, a lot people don’t understand but for your own sanity, it has to be. These “addicts” want everything to just be forgot about and prance back in and out of the kids lives like nothing ever happened. It would be so nice to be a Normal grandparent, but it doesnt appear to be in the cards. So sorry that this situation is happening way too much.
Bless you.thankyou for loving the innocent babies.you are a hero.
so thankful to have read John’s comment from Aug 15, it is exact. My family was there for the many court appearances to get guardianship for 2 grandchildren born positive to my daughter & her boyfriend both meth addicts, daughter prostitutes herself on the internet for drugs, boyfriend collects SS for his meth induced paranoid schizophrenia. CPS in the county they lived in, did not care. No running water in their 5th wheel trailer, my grandson at 4 months was at the bottom of the lowest percentile for height and weight…daughter was on total life support for 6 weeks due to loss of pulmonary function-meth/pot/cigarettes use. she coded. was sectioned the next day-that is my Grandaughter. Fought for them in court. After guardianship granted me, my brothers and the childrens God Parents faded off…disappeared. I am so alone at 56..I LOVE my grandkids, they are my life. But am experiencing serious manipulative behavior from my 4 year old Grandson. I see and hear my daughter…he is a polished liar already…or is it me? I am scared.
I am so very sorry for everything you and your grandchildren are going through. I found this article about financial resources for grandparents raising granchildren and some of the resources they cite may be of help to you http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jim-t-miller/financial-resources-for-g_b_1566625.html
Have a younger brother hooked on heroin and my parents have blown a ton of cash on rehabs and bailing him out of jail. Can’t believe how much his addiction has destroyed them. Not even the same people. My problem is they’re trying to save my brother and my nephew. At this point only one is worth saving… sounds harsh but it’s only a fact. 6 yrs of disappointment. Too many things to list… How do I get them to John’s point 8/16/2016? They love my nephew…. he loves them…. but at some point he needs to be the primary focus. Wanted to buy the baby while he was still in womb… he’s only 2 1/2 . the mother is a pos as well. Another long crap story…. this kid doesn’t deserve this. My parents are just to blind to see this I guess. They’re gonna set their grandson up for failure. feeling hopeless ???
Hi John and John (8/16/2016)…. this is such an important question, and it’s really difficult to answer in a comment. Basically, if your parents can understand addiction as the developmental brain disease it is and what it takes to treat the brain and then what adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) do to the developing brain, they may better understand a different way of dealing with their son and the importance of doing it differently for the sake of their nephew. Here are some resources that can help with this understanding:
NIDA’s “Drugs, Brains, and Behaviors: the Science of Addiction” https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/preface
NIDA’s “Principles of Effective Treatment” https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/principles-drug-addiction-treatment-research-based-guide-third-edition/principles-effective-treatment
ACEs Too High for information on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) – aka Trauma – https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/
Dr. Nadine Burke Harris’s TEDTalk on ACEs https://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime
Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University – PDF Summary on Breakthroughs in how a child’s brain develops and the influence of toxic stress (such as that related to ACEs) on that development http://46y5eh11fhgw3ve3ytpwxt9r.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Key_Findings_Breakthrough_Impacts.pdf
Feel free to call me with questions – 650-362-3026.
Lisa
I have a lot of comment to give but need advice right now ! I have my three actual now two threw foster care the county has allowed my 14yr old to stay with his bio dads house as he has manipulated my grandson against us only got to him threw my addicted daughter to see him after not being in his life for 14 yrs my grandson was beaten and mentally abuse by step dad and now mentally abused by bio dad . Have him in therapy and trauma therapy he’s in a program threw the county as bio dad influenced him to be bad and got in trouble bring pot to school to sell and trying to take a phone away from some boy he’s a really good influence on him .. I asked the worker to place him in a foster home away from his bio dads influence so he could get the help he needs but who’s looking out for the child in (Child Protection) nobody listens to me . There’s a lot more to the story but I’m so sad that I have an addiction daughter and these so called dads come out of the woodwork and say that’s my son really where have you been all his life he’s just a meal ticket for you now and child protection they just don’t listen
I am a grandparent raising my grandson because of parents that are addicts. I have had legal gaurdianship since he was born . I am in the process of adopting. His biological father has seen him 2 times only because it was xmas . I am having trouble with the idea of letting the father see the child. He has never done a paternity test or asked to help in anyway. He is not on birth cert. he and his father have abuse and addiction issues and i dont want to have my grandson affectted with that. He has asked to see the child and i dont want to do the wrong thing for this child.
Hi Stacey – please give me a call at my offie, 650-362-3026 or send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can talk about this. Thank you, Lisa
1 year ago we went from just the 2 of us…to 5! We got relative placement of A brand new grandson…just days old..a 2 year old grandson-who we barely knew…and a 5 year old special needs granddaughter. To say our world’s were turned upside down is an understatement. I find it so hard to understand how my daughter can put drugs before her children…how she can continue to use knowing each positive test puts her further away from them.
I just don’t understand…
Hi Lisa I’m raising my two grandsons age almost 4 and 5 My grandsons are getting older their father hasn’t been around in a year and their mom is in rehab. Ive been making up a lot of excuses for the mom is working and moving to a new place to live. I’m feeling like we need to have some kind of communication. Please let me know how to deal with this situation I’ve had the kids now for three years.
Hi Monica – I’m sending you a private email on this. If you don’t receive it, please email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com or call my office at 650-362-3026. ~Lisa
Hello Lisa, I am raising my granddaughters and their mother is an addict and their bio father isn’t allowed in their life ( do to the courts) Everyone says I am enabling my daughter by raising my granddaughters. I don’t let their mom come and go, I don’t give money I don’t hide her addiction, I have merely stepped up to raise her daughters. I am very strict with my daughter and I hold her accountable. She is to call before she can see them. If I didn’t have them my daughter would just find someone else to raise them. Peace you, Grammy
Hi Leah,
I’m so sorry for all that all of you are going through, but it sounds like you’re doing a wonderful thing for your granddaughters. Please feel free to call me at 916-241-3288 (I’m on PST so if I don’t answer, I will call you back) if you’d like to talk about any of this. Take care, Lisa
Donna Pendley11/11/2018 04:38:22 pm
I have a 35 year old daughter that is an addict, she lives with her addict boyfriend. My daughter is divorced from her twin 12 year olds and 9 year olds father. My daughter has full custody. The biological father is also a sad price of trash that abused the 9 year old when he was 4, with the judge dropping the case. As grandparents, we don’t know what to do, The children are not abused but neglected and see drugs/dealers frequently. We are at a loss as to what to do. We do not want these 3 great boys to go to their dads. He has no custody, just visitation. We pay all utilities, rent and sometimes groceries. We buy all the boys clothes and shoes. We are involved in their school and take and involve them in church. We would like to get temporary custody of these 3 boys, hoping she would get her life together as we are already acting as parents. Often there is no food, bare mattresses, dirty clothes and roach infestation. We do not want DHR involved, their life would be worse with their dad. Please help!
Hi Donna,
I’m terribly sorry to hear all of what you and your family are going through. Please send me a confidential email to lisaf@breakingthecycles.com, and we can arrange a time for a phone call to talk about your questions. There is no charge. ~Lisa
I am in the process of getting legal guardian ship of my 3 grandchildren ages 7,5&4 they are diagnosed with ADHD & FASD & sensory issues! My 30 year old daughter suffers from drug addiction and emotional issues, I have took classes to learn about my grandkids diagnoses. My daughter actually send me this link to read! She has been in programs before although was not able to complete them, I know have had them with me for 2 years! If you have any advise to give me I would really appreciate it.
?
I am so glad you’ve reached out Vicky. Check out this link, http://www.grandfamilies.org/. They have information on applicable laws sorted by state, as well as resources and publications to help grandparents raising their grandchildren. I wish you all the best, and if you’d like to talk with me (no charge), send me an email at lisaf@BreakingtheCycles.com, and we can arrange a time. Lisa
i would love to talk to you .
Great – send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can arrange a time to talk (no charge). – Lisa
Hi Lisa, I pray you are still taking emails. As the others, we are raising 4 of our grands after making their parents leave our home and their kids behind. My heart breaks everyday for my grandkids. They are older now and are so torn and worried about their parents. It is destroying my husband and I. They are 9, 11, 12 and 16. The parents blame us for their homelessness and are very angry with us. The kids are suffering. We have given them love, a stable home, food, routines and tried to meet all their needs. I am devastated for them. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Debbie – I’m so sorry to hear of what you and your family are going through. I would be happy to schedule a call and will send you an email. ~Lisa