Caring too much? Is it even possible when worried about a loved one’s drinking or drug use and what that loved one is doing to themselves and others?

Here to help us understand this dynamic and what to do about it is Darlene Lancer, author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Darlene’s latest eBook is titled, Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps. 

It’s always a pleasure to share Darlene’s work. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com

When Caring Too Much is Bad by Darlene Lancer

Codependents frequently confuse love with being someone’s caretaker. Parents are expected to love their young children unconditionally. As children grow, good parenting includes modeling mutual respect for each others’ boundaries.

Caregiving is a normal outgrowth of love and is also part of healthy adult relationships. When someone we love is in need, we naturally want to help. Yet there’s a difference between “caregiving” and codependent “caretaking.” In the latter situation, we might care for someone in a manner that is intrusive or enabling. We do harm to the other person and risk sacrificing our own lives in the process. Often when we love an addict, as the addiction progresses, we worry about his or her health, want the addict to stop their addiction, and we’re liable to take on more of the addict’s responsibilities. We can become hyper-focused on the addict and neglect responsibilities to ourselves.

When one partner acts as a caretaker of the other, it creates an imbalance and unhealthy mutual dependency – codependence. Our caretaking can become so habitual that it enables and disables the addict, so that he or she doesn’t take responsibility for his or her behavior and needs. It treats him or her like a child who doesn’t have to grow up and reinforces the addict’s dependence upon us and lack of confidence. Due to lack of boundaries, caretaking eventually negatively impacts the addict, us, and the relationship as a whole. Over time, both end up feeling guilty and angry. The more a caretaker becomes invested in the problems of his or her partner, the more that advice and control characterize the dynamic between them. What may have started out as an act of love devolves into resentment when well-meaning advice or wisdom isn’t followed.

A Caretaking Quiz

To see if you’re a codependent caretaker, here are some questions to ask yourself:

Do you give unwanted advice?

Do you judge your partner?

Do you believe that you know what’s best?

Do you repeatedly do things for your partner that he or she is capable of doing?

Does your partner meet your needs?

Is your giving reciprocated?

Do you practice self-care?

Do you feel responsible for your partner’s negative feelings?

Do you feel guilty saying “no” to your partner?

Do your partner’s problems preoccupy your thoughts?

Can you listen without giving advice?

Do you get upset if your advice isn’t followed?

Do you give with strings attached?

Is it uncomfortable to listen to another’s problem and not offer solutions – even when asked?

Caretaking vs. Caregiving

With codependent caretaking, often there’s more “taking” than giving. The caretaker’s objectives can subtlety take precedence. This is because caregiving comes from abundance, and caretaking emanates from need and deprivation. Here are some of the other differences:

Caretaker Sacrifices selfSelf-righteous – puts own opinion firstHelping is compulsive Feels responsible for others; often not for self Crosses boundaries Is judgmental Gives unsolicited advice Knows what’s best for others Gives with strings attached or expectations Feels exhausted, irritated, frustrated, anxious Feels unappreciated or resentful Discourages others from thinking for themselves Uses nonassertive, pushy, judging, “you” statements Tries to control recipient

Caregiver Practices self-careRespects others’ opinionsHelping is volitional Feels responsible for self and to others Respects others’ boundaries and wishes Is accepting Waits to be asked for advice Knows what’s best for self Gives freely without expectations Feels energized Feels love and empathy Encourages others to solve their own problems Uses assertive “I” statements Supports recipient

 

Learning to Detach with Love

The challenge of change is learning to detach and let go. That doesn’t mean we care any less about our loved ones, but we allow them the dignity of making mistakes and finding their own way. We take care of our own needs that we may be neglecting, and we empower others to do the same by supporting their choices. That also means we empathically and lovingly allow them to suffer the resulting consequences, by not removing the natural consequences of their actions, nor having an “I told you so” attitude.

Make “Live and let live” your mantra, and practice saying things like:

“I’m so sorry to hear about your situation.”

“You really have a dilemma.”

What are your options?”

What decision (actions) are you leaning toward?” or “What does your gut tell you?”

“Trust your instincts.”

“I’m sure you’ll find a solution.”

“I believe you can handle it.”

Watching those you love struggle can be very difficult, and it can take all your strength not to jump in and help, especially when others expect you to behave in the old way. They’ll likely try to reel you in to give advice and other help. Because caretaking can be a compulsion, you may need outside support to maintain your boundaries and be overwhelmed with guilt. Detachment doesn’t mean being emotionally cold, but taking a hands-off, ego-off approach. This is truly loving someone. Your guilt will lessen in time and with it resentment making for a better relationship. For more on detachment and enabling, see Codependency for Dummies, and get “14 Tips for Letting Go” on my website.

© Darlene Lancer 2015