It is my great pleasure to introduce Cayla Clark – today’s Face of Recovery, who has graciously agreed to share her story of her alcohol addiction and the recovery journey she’s taken.

Why share?

There is a great deal of confusion, stigma, shame and discrimination surrounding addiction and addiction treatment and recovery. Yet those who have the chronic, often relapsing brain disease of addiction and are in recovery live healthy, productive, engaged lives — the same kinds of lives as people who do not have this disease. But all the words and definitions and explanations in the world are not as powerful as the people themselves. To that end, we are grateful to the people in recovery who have decided to share their experiences so that we all may put a Face to Addiction Treatment and Recovery, which brings us to Cayla Clark and her willingness to share her story.

How did your alcohol addiction start? 

When I was 15 I went on a trip to Europe with two of my girlfriends. We had befriended a Norwegian exchange student who had since moved back to Norway, and we were both excited to see her and to finally be free of parental supervision – if only for a month. All three of us got drunk for the first time in Norway, and I immediately took a very intense liking to alcohol. Within a couple of weeks I knew that my relationship with booze was not a normal one – and I knew that once I returned to America, I wanted to keep drinking as much as I had been. I had seen enough episodes of Intervention to know that all alcoholics had a traumatic backstory, so I began putting myself in vulnerable sexual situations while still in Europe. I had some somewhat traumatic experiences, but they were all sought out and consensual. However, when I returned home I told my mother I had been raped. If I wanted to drink alcoholically, after all, I needed some sort of emotional excuse. Or so I thought.

What was the turning point for you – what made you want to get sober and start your alcohol addiction recovery?

From 16 onwards my drinking progressed, and by college I was drinking every day. I was still a social drinker for the most part, but after senior year I began to prefer drinking vodka alone in my room, watching crappy horror movies on Netflix or writing bad poetry with a couple scented candles burning. About 2 years after I graduated from UCLA I couldn’t keep my drinking under control at all. I was still employed but my work performance was suffering greatly. I would bring water bottles filled with vodka to work to keep me present throughout the day. My interpersonal relationships suffered; I was tearing my family apart and terrifying my friends. Finally, I drove my truck about 2 hours away from my house on Melrose in a complete blackout, driving on the wrong side of the freeway and ending up parked in a McDonald’s parking lot. I was brought to a psychiatric hospital, and I flew to Florida from LAX immediately after my release – finally surrendering and admitting that I needed serious help.

What was your initial treatment?

I immediately entered a detox, and after completing a three-day stint I was transferred to an all-female inpatient facility where I stayed for 3 months. I didn’t start making any progress at all until I was about 60 days into treatment, and even then I was looking forward to returning home as soon as my stay came to an end. It was difficult to come to terms with the fact that in order to truly recover, I needed to stay in Florida for a bit longer than I initially intended. I stayed at a halfway house for 6 months, and to this day I attend roughly 5 AA meetings a week.

Do you do anything differently, today?

Today I am honest. Today I have integrity, and I a sense of self-worth that I never knew I was capable of having. I am a good employee, and I practice balance in my life. I went to school for playwriting, a passion that I have had since I was a child. I used to believe that in order to be a successful playwright I needed to be a miserable alcoholic, residing solely in the dark side of my mind and living alone in a cabin in Maine, drinking whiskey as I wrote about the fallibility of humanity on an antique typewriter. It turns out that living in the light is far more conducive to creation, for inspiration and revelation need light to bloom and thrive. Today I take care of my mind, body, and soul, nurturing myself and giving the away the benefits the program has sown and I have reaped to others I am fortunate enough to meet.

What is your life like, now?

For the first time in my life, I find comfort in routine. I work a steady job, spend time with friends and with myself, and live the same basic but beautiful sequence I have been living since I got here. There will come a time when I am stable enough to step away from my current custom and travel the world (anything is possible now), but for now, I am perfectly content continuously growing and learning more about myself and what makes me happy and fulfilled.

Do you have anything you’d like to share with someone currently struggling with a substance abuse problem or an addiction?

Recovery has not been an easy road for me. Rationalization is one of my strong suits, and there have been several occasions on which my alcoholic voice thoroughly convinced me that life is short, and if I want to have a drink I should be able to. And I did. Each time I relapsed I was back in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous the very next day, knowing that swallowing my pride and admitting that I was struggling was crucial to continuing on a path that would allow me a chance at an actual life. I am not recommending relapse to anyone, and it is never a necessary part of anyone’s recovery. For me, relapsing only bolstered the fact that I desperately desired recovery. No matter how much a romanticized going back out in my head, the reality always consisted of hurting those closest to me and vomiting in a shower (or a hamper, or a relatively expensive handbag) before midnight. I was lucky enough to make it back, but I in no way want to discount the fact that many who go out never do.

How about anything you’d like to share with their family or friends?

The relationship I have with my family today is something I wouldn’t trade for the world. I remember my parents staring at me from my doorway as I drunkenly peed on my rug, assuring them that I was in the bathroom. While my family still lives in California and I have yet to visit them, I know that I would be welcome back into their home with open arms. Just knowing that is truly incomparable.

Addiction gets bad, and it may sometimes seem like the person you once loved is completely gone. Don’t give up hope. Your loved one has merely been buried beneath years of substance abuse, and with some intensive care the corrosion can be fully chipped away, revealing in totality the individual you have been mourning.

What is the best part about your recovery?

The best part of my recovery for myself personally has been learning to love and appreciate me. I used to hate myself to a point of utter self-destruction – every day dragged as a torturous limbo of suicidal thought and intolerable hopelessness and fear. Today I feel whole and happy, and I am grateful for every little experience – good and bad – I undergo on a daily basis. Today I am full of excitement for the future and gratitude for the present, and I couldn’t be happier in my own skin.

Thank you so very much, Cayla, for sharing your story, and CONGRATULATIONS on 2 years RECOVERY!

Today, Cayla Clark writes for The Hope Center for Rehabilitation, a treatment center in South Florida that specializes in balanced, holistic recovery from drug abuse.