Frequent guest author, Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, explores the ways addicts can act like narcissists in her post, today. Darlene is the author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, and her latest eBook is titled, Dealing with a Narcissist, 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com.

Darlene Lancer, author of “Codependency for Dummies,” explores the ways addicts can act like narcissists.

Narcissism, Trump-isms, and Realism: The Narcissistic Illusion of Grandiosity by Darlene Lancer

There are addicts who can act like narcissists that hide what goes on inside them from the world. Despite their big egos, they’re frightened and fragile – just the opposite of their grandiose, powerful façade. They must work hard to keep up their image, not only for others, but for themselves. In fact, their immodesty and exaggerated self-importance are commensurate with their hidden shame. “Me thinks you protest too much,” defines them. Shame is paradoxical in that it hides behind false pride. Its defenses of arrogance and contempt, envy and aggression, and denial and projection all serve to inflate and compensate for a weak, immature self. Like all bullies, the greater their defensive aggression, the greater is their insecurity.

Shame fuels their needs for admiration, attention, and respect. Praise and success never fill a narcissist’s or addict’s inner emptiness, nor compensate for deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. To gain recognition and validation of their worth, narcissists brag and exaggerate the truth. They imagine themselves to be more special – more desirable, more intelligent, more powerful, more invincible – than others. “Some people would say I’m very, very, very intelligent.” (Fortune, April 3, 2000) “My I.Q. is one of the highest!” (Twitter, May 8, 2013) “All the women on The Apprentice flirted with me?—?consciously or unconsciously.” (How to Get Rich, 2004) “It’s very hard for them to attack me on looks, because I’m so good looking.” (NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Aug. 9, 2015)

Addicts are characteristically self-centered and may also display the symptoms of narcissism. Addiction is a disease marked by obsession and compulsive behavior about what is craved. This always comes before the feelings and needs of other people. Many addicts spin grandiose stories, while still being needy and dependent. Although some may actually have NPD, if not, their behavior can change when they’re abstinent or sober and in recovery from their addiction.

It’s all or nothing with narcissists and most addicts and codependents. For Donald Trump, there are winners, like himself (TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald, 2005), and losers, and he “doesn’t like to lose.” (New York Times, Aug. 7, 1983) “Show me someone without an ego, and I’ll show you a loser.” (Facebook, Dec. 9, 2013) Trump must stay on top and thrives on the challenge. “You learn that you’re either the toughest, meanest piece of shit in the world or you just crawl into a corner . . . Guys that I thought were tough were nothin’.” (New York magazine, Aug. 15, 1994) Losing, failing, being second aren’t options. “Life to me is a psychological game, a series of challenges you either meet or don’t (Playboy, March 1990). He “lies awake at night and thinks and plots.” (New York magazine, Nov. 9, 1992) These high stakes make for vicious competitiveness, where offense is the best defense. “Sometimes, part of making a deal is denigrating your competition.” (The Art of the Deal, 1987)

Addicts and narcissists have a “my way or the highway” attitude” and don’t like to hear “No.” Others’ limits make them feel powerless as they did as a child, which is very frightening. They can throw a childlike tantrum when others don’t comply. When their imagined omnipotence and control is challenged, they manipulate to get what they want and may punish you or make you feel guilty for turning them down. (Lancer, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People)

By projecting their aggression outward, the world appears hostile and dangerous. “The world is a pretty vicious place.” (Esquire, January 2004) People who are seen “as out for themselves,” (Playboy, March 1990), become adversaries to defeat or control. To keep safe, they push others away, fending off threats and humiliation, and they do so aggressively. Women “are far worse than men, far more aggressive … ” (The Art of the Comeback, 1997) “You have to treat ’em like shit.” (New York magazine, Nov. 9, 1992) Nevertheless, narcissists are exquisitely sensitive to any sign of disrespect or imagined slight that threatens their self-concept. When Trump says, “The rich have a very low threshold for pain.” (New York magazine, Feb. 11, 1985), he includes himself.

Trump learned to attack from his father, who “taught me to keep my guard up.” (Esquire, January 2004) When attacked, narcissists retaliate to reverse feelings of humiliation and restores their pride. “If someone screws you, screw them back. When somebody hurts you, just go after them as viciously and as violently as you can.” (How to Get Rich, 2004) “If somebody tries to push me around, he’s going to pay a price. Those people don’t come back for seconds. I don’t like being pushed around or taken advantage of.” (Playboy, March 1990)

He called his father a strict, “no-nonsense kind of guy.” (Playboy, March 1990) There are many ways parents can shame their children and instill the belief that they’re not worthy of love. Scolding feelings and needs or emphasizing high expectations convey conditional, tough love, which makes a child feel unaccepted for who they are. Sadly, the implication is that without success (or for a female narcissist, often beauty), no one would care about me. “Let’s say I was worth $10. People would say, ‘Who the [expletive] are you?’” (Washington Post, July 12, 2015) Instead, they must earn their parents’ acceptance. Ted Levine, Trump’s high school roommate, described the kind of pressure to excel that the boys were under. “He had to be better than his father. We were sent here to be the best of the best, and we knew what our job was.”

To compensate for insecurity and shame, narcissists feel superior, often expressed with disdain or contempt, captured in the scornful, smirk and curled lip shown in the photo. Arrogance and putdowns bolster their egos by projecting the devalued parts of themselves onto others. Trump has disparagingly and publicly labeled various people a “dog,” “bimbo,” “dummy,” “grotesque,” “losers,” or “morons.” Narcissists’ invectives are made worse by their lack of empathy, which enables them to see people as two-dimensional objects to meet their needs. “It really doesn’t matter what they write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” (Esquire, 1991) Objectifying others demonstrates how insensitively they were treated growing up.

Intimacy is a challenge for addicts and narcissists. “Intimacy requires vulnerability, letting down one’s guard and being authentic to get close emotionally – all signs of weakness that are frightening and abhorrent to a narcissist. Rather than give up power and control, which risk exposure of their false persona, many narcissists have short relationships or are distancers when more than sex is anticipated.” (Lancer, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People.) If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and would like help making it work or deciding whether or not to leave, learn effective strategies for Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People.

©Darlene Lancer 2015

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