It’s not uncommon to learn of the ravages of the addiction from the perspective of the person struggling with this chronic, often relapsing brain disease. But hearing if from the family side – the moms, dads, sisters, brothers, cousins – is a less common occurrence. So when I read Kathy Fraiser’s FB share following the Christmas holiday, I asked if I could share it here.  I think she captures the complexities and depths of this family disease and its affects of nephews, siblings, children, moms and each of their connections within a family. 

Kathy Frasier is the Acting Interim Executive Director for Change Addiction Now, United We Can – a national, grassroots organization working to bring the family voice to addiction and recovery. She can be reached at 360.701.0964 or by email at Kathy@ChangeAddictionNow.org. And check out their website and FB pages, as well.

Bringing the Family Voice to Addiction and Recovery by Kathy Frasier

Kathy Frasier, Acting Interim Director for Change Addiction Now, the national grassroots organization whose mission is about “Bringing the Family Voice to Addiction and Recovery.”

It’s been a melancholy day after processing our family Christmas Day gathering at my sister’s house with the maternal side of the family. Very hard due to my son’s addiction and my two nephews – his cousins he grew up with and their law enforcement careers in our county. Unfortunately, they’ve met outside of family gatherings and vacations, like they did in days of old … an arresting officer, a corrections officer and criminal activity do not make for good relationships. Not believing addiction is a disease is another issue – in their eyes it’s a choice and incarceration is THE answer. Or, as indicated on their FB pages, and I’m paraphrasing, “Too bad if they die. They deserve it if they make the choice to use. They need to grow up and become men….” You get the drift…dregs of society. It’s painful to read this and it makes my heart ache. These boys grew up together yet they couldn’t be further apart due to substance use disorder. This was our first Christmas together after two years following a lifetime of spending holidays together, and I don’t know when or how our family will heal. What I do know is that I’m growing into a new space with every experience that happens in my life.

When I heard from my son today, it was the first time we have spoken since he was moved to prison. He isn’t in treatment. He’s in prison and it’s not his first rodeo, or mine. I never imagined I would be seeing my son go to prison for the third time. His behaviors sometimes catch me off guard, as do his words, because we live in two separate worlds now, and have for a long time. Our relationship is NOTHING like it was when he was a child. That is a memory I will treasure, but it will never be the way it was back then. I always want to meet him where he’s at, but there are certainly times when I ask myself, “Where the hell IS he at?” and the even more important question is, “Where the hell am I at???” It is time to develop a new relationship with not just my son, but with others who affect my life. I have to ask myself what I want to draw to my life and who are the people I want to share it with. If I choose to remove those from my personal space who affect me negatively, my life will be enhanced. And you know what? We don’t have all that much time left in this world, right?

So, this has been a crazy week, and to make matters worse, my Seattle Seahawks lost. My point of this post, I think, is that I am planning on making some changes in my life in 2016. I haven’t defined them all because I am a work in progress, and one of my commitments is spending more time with my grandkids. To do this, I have to practice “balance” in my life, so this is another goal of mine.

Now, the last thing I want to share is this picture of my grandson. I spoke with his adoptive mom today, and she sent this picture. His one year (November) birthday. He looks like his daddy. I pray talking that about this and sharing our stories helps break the cycle with him.

In the meantime, I’m looking forward to spending more time with him and my other grandchildren and more time on the things that feed my soul, for one thing I’m learning, this is a family disease and we all need help.

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