In her post today, frequent guest author, Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, helps readers understand how being raised by a narcissistic parent changed them and what they can do to overcome the consequences.

Darlene is the author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, and her latest eBook is titled, Dealing with a Narcissist, 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com.

Narcissistic Relationships by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

Since writing Codependency for Dummies, countless people contact me about their unhappiness and difficulties in dealing with a difficult loved one, frequently a narcissistic partner or parent who is uncooperative, selfish, cold, and often abusive. Often they are children of narcissistic parents who damage to the self-esteem and motivation of their children. These parents expect excellence and/or obedience, and can be competitive, envious, critical, domineering, or needy. The common factor among narcissistic parents is that their feelings and needs, particularly emotional needs, come first. As a result, their children learn to adapt, become codependent. They bear the responsibility for meeting the parent’s emotional needs, rather than vice versa.

Guest Author, Darlene Lancer

Whereas their parents feel entitled, their children feel unentitled and self-sacrifice and deny their own feelings and needs (unless they, too, are narcissistic). They don’t learn to trust and value themselves and grow up alienated from their true selves. They may be driven to prove themselves in order to win their parents’ approval, but find little motivation to pursue their wants and goals when not externally imposed (e.g., by a partner, employer, teacher).

Although they may be unaware of what was missing in their childhood, fear of abandonment and intimacy continues to permeate their adult relationships. They’re afraid of making waves or mistakes and being authentic. Used to seeking external validation, many become pleasers, pretending to feel what they don’t and hiding what they do. By reenacting their family drama, they believe their only choice is to be alone or give up themselves in a relationship.

Often adult children of narcissistic parents are depressed, have unacknowledged anger, and feelings of emptiness. They may attract an addict, a narcissist, or other unavailable partner, repeating the pattern of emotional abandonment from childhood. Healing requires recovery from codependency and overcoming the toxic shame acquired growing up in a narcissistic home.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) requires specific criteria that must be met for a diagnosis as described in “Do You Love a Narcissist?” The disorder also varies from mild to extreme. But of all the narcissists, beware of malignant narcissists, who are the most pernicious, hostile, and are vindictive and malicious. Avoid them before they destroy you. Email me at info@darlenelancer.com if you would like a free “Checklist of Narcissistic Traits.”

Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists use defenses to hide their deep and usually unconscious shame. Like bullies, they protect themselves through aggression and by wielding power over others. Malignant narcissists are maliciously hostile and inflict pain without remorse, but most narcissists don’t even realize they’ve injured those closest to them, because they lack empathy. They’re more concerned with averting perceived threats and getting their needs met. Consequently, they aren’t aware of the hurtful impact of their words and actions.

Narcissistic abuse can include any type of abuse, whether physical, sexual, financial, mental, or emotional abuse. Most often it involves some form of emotional abandonment, manipulation, withholding, or other uncaring behavior. Abuse can range from the silent treatment to rage, and typically includes verbal abuse, such as blaming, criticizing, attacking, ordering, lying, and belittling. It may also include emotional blackmail or passive-aggressive behavior. If you’re experiencing domestic or intimate partner violence, read “The Truth about Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships,” and seek help immediately. For more about narcissistic relationships, listen to my talk.

Treatment

Not many narcissists enter therapy unless they’re pressured by a partner or suffer an extreme blow to their image or self-esteem. It’s essential that children and partners of narcissists actively heal their codependency. Even if the narcissist refuses to get help or change, the relationship can markedly improve by changing your perspective and healing your codependency. In fact, learning about NPD, raising your self-esteem, and learning to set boundaries are just a few of the many things you can do to significantly better your relationship, as described in Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Your Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. These steps are equally applicable to a relationship with an addict or any highly defensive or abusive.
©Darlene Lancer 2016

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