Codependency expert and frequent guest author, Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, shares her research on the impact of a codependent’s self-esteem on their relationships.

Darlene is the author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, and her latest eBook is titled, Dealing with a Narcissist, 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com.

Impact of Codependent’s Self-Esteem on Relationships by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

It’s a given that codependents have difficulties with relationships. A big reason for this is low self-esteem. Research confirms the link between self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. A person’s initial level of self-esteem is a prognosis for the relationship. Often, relationships don’t last for people whose self-esteem was low prior to the relationship. Past experience and personality traits have a bearing on self-esteem and the relationship.

The Effect of Codependency

Self-esteem suffers when you grow up in a dysfunctional family. Often you don’t have a voice. Your opinions and desires aren’t taken seriously. Parents usually have low self-esteem and are unhappy with each other. They themselves neither have nor model good relationship skills, including cooperation, healthy boundaries, assertiveness, and conflict resolution. They may be abusive, or just indifferent, preoccupied, controlling, interfering, manipulative, or inconsistent. Children’s feelings and personal traits and needs tend to be shamed. As a result, a child feels emotionally abandoned and concludes that he or she is at fault–not good enough to be acceptable to both parents. Toxic shame becomes internalized, and children feel insecure, anxious, and/or angry. They don’t feel safe to be, to trust, and to like themselves. They grow up codependent with low self-esteem.

Attachment Style Reflects Self-esteem

As a result of their insecurity, shame, and impaired self-esteem, codependents develop an attachment style that, to varying degrees, is anxious or avoidant. They develop anxious and avoidant attachment styles and behave like pursuers and distancers described in “The Dance of Intimacy.” Some people cannot tolerate either being alone or too close; either one creates intolerable pain.

Anxiety leads codependents to sacrifice their needs and please and accommodate. Due to basic insecurity, you’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. You take things personally with a negative twist, projecting negative outcomes and hide your truth so as not to “make waves,” which compromises real intimacy. You may be jealous of your partner’s attention to others and call or text frequently. Repeated attempts to seek reassurance push a partner away even further.

Avoiders avoid closeness and intimacy through distancing behaviors, such as flirting, making unilateral decisions, addiction, ignoring their partner, or dismissing his or her feelings and needs. They’re hypervigilant about their partner’s attempts to control or limit them in any way. Neither style contributes to satisfying relationships.
Communication reveal s self-esteem

Dysfunctional families lack good communication skills that intimate relationships require. Not only are they important to any relationship, they also reflect self-esteem. They involve speaking clearly, honestly, concisely, and assertively, and the ability to listen, as well. They require that you know and are able to clearly communicate your needs, wants, and feelings, including the ability to set boundaries. The more intimate the relationship, the more important and more difficult practicing these skills becomes.

It takes courage to communicate assertively in an intimate relationship—courage that comes with self-acceptance, which enables you to value and honor your feelings and needs and risk criticism or rejection in voicing them. Codependents generally have problems with assertiveness. At the same time, they deny their feelings and needs, due to the fact that they were shamed or ignored in their childhood. They also consciously suppress what they think and feel so as not to anger or alienate their partner and risk criticism or emotional abandonment. Instead, they rely on mindreading, asking questions, caretaking, blaming, lying, criticizing, avoiding problems or ignoring or controlling their partner. They learn these strategies from the dysfunctional communication witnessed in their families growing up. But these behaviors are problematic in themselves and can lead to escalating conflict, characterized by attacks, blame, and withdrawal. Walls get erected that block openness, closeness, and happiness. Sometimes, a partner seeks closeness with a third person, threatening the stability of the relationship.

Boundaries Protect Self-esteem

Dysfunctional families have dysfunctional boundaries, which get handed down through parents’ behavior and example, undermining children’s self-esteem. As adults, they have trouble accepting other people’s differences or allowing others’ space, particularly in intimate relationships. They can’t say no or protect themselves when necessary and take personally what others say. They tend to feel responsible for others’ stated or imagined feelings, needs, and actions, to which they react, contributing to escalating conflict.

Solutions

Shame can be diminished and self-esteem raised, which is why I wrote 10 Steps to Self-Esteem and Conquering Shame and Codependency. Both contain lots of self-help exercises. Because assertiveness can be learned and also raises self-esteem, I wrote How to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits, which guides you in learning those skills.

Couples therapy is an ideal to achieve greater relationship satisfaction. It’s nonetheless helpful if only one partner goes to therapy, as improved self-esteem of one partner increases relationship satisfaction for both. For the full version of this article is www.whatiscodependency.com/blog.
©Darlene Lancer 2016

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[1] Lavner, J. A., Bradbury, T. N., & Karney, B. R. (2012). “Incremental change or initial differences? Testing two models of marital deterioration.” Journal of Family Psychology, 26, 606–616.

[1] Erol, Ruth Yasemin; Orth, Ulrich, “Development of self-esteem and relationship satisfaction in couples: Two longitudinal studies.” Developmental Psychology,” 2014, Vol. 50, No. 9, 2291–2303