Living With or Divorcing a Spouse Who Drinks Too Much
Living with or divorcing a spouse who drinks too much can be a terrifying, exhausting nightmare — especially when children are involved.
In fact, one of my most frequently read blog posts is Fears for Children When Divorcing an Alcoholic. I wrote it to address one of the most common issues mothers, fathers, and family law attorneys have expressed to me over the course of my work as BreakingTheCycles.com – how best to protect the children – not only their physical safety but their emotional safety, as well. And it is the unraveling of a child’s emotional safety that is critical to understand and protect when the disease of addiction (whether it’s to drugs or alcohol) has hijacked a family. [Note: the more recent term to use when talking about addiction is substance use disorder (SUD), however I use the more commonly recognized terms: addiction, alcoholism, drug addiction, alcohol abuse, etc., (for now, anyway), as those are the terms people most generally recognize and/or use themselves. Of further note: I focus on alcohol misuse and alcoholism but know that what I share applies equally to drug misuse or drug addiction.]
As I wrote in that December 6, 2013, post:
The thought of divorcing an alcoholic is terrifying for so many reasons, but when one has children, it can be paralyzing.
“I am terrified to divorce because my children aren’t safe with him.”
And one of the saddest truths is that often the alcoholic is not terribly mean or abusive when drunk. But mean or not mean, they cannot be trusted to be alert and in command of all their faculties when it’s their turn to have the children. They cannot be trusted not to drive after drinking, and worse, not to drive with the children in the car after drinking; to make sure the children are fed and put to bed; to not smoke and leave burning cigarettes in the ashtray when they pass out…. And even if divorce is not the option being considered, these same fears are constantly present when living under the same roof, trying to co-parent with an actively drinking alcoholic. These very real, justifiable fears are the ones that churn nonstop throughout the day in a constant worry loop of questions:
“He drinks and drives all the time. How can I protect myself and my children financially – should I have a separate insurance policy?”
“How do I tell my 3 and 5 year old they’re not to drive with daddy – ever?”
“I’m having an impossible time trying to ‘do it all’ – work full time, drop off and pick up the kids, never leave them alone with her – but if I don’t stay with my kids 24/7 when they’re not in school, I’m afraid she might get drunk and think she’s safe to drive or start her crazy talk, which they don’t understand and then she gets mad at them for that. What do I do?”
“What if something happens to me? My children won’t be safe with him. How can I be sure they’re financially taken care of if he gets fired or runs through the insurance money if I should die?”
How do you tell a 3 or 5 year old they are never to drive with daddy and mommy is not “fine.”
These very real, justifiable fears turn the non-alcoholic spouses into shrill, fear-filled, anxious, frantic people. They become persons they were never like before the insanity and were certainly never meant to be. They become the other half of this family disease and are often as equally confusing for their children to understand, because like the alcoholic, they are not “there;” they are not consistently approachable, calm, warm and loving, with consistent reactions and actions that make sense to their children. Instead, they, too, are in their own world — a world that takes on a life of its own as they try day in and day out to control the uncontrollable — namely, the brain of an alcoholic who is actively drinking. I mean, really, how do you tell a 3 or 5 year old they are never to drive with daddy, or the real reason mommy is not “fine” even though that’s her pat answer when they ask, “Mommy, are you okay?” “Mommy what’s wrong?”
The concerns shared above are those mothers, fathers and family law attorneys have expressed to me over the course of my work as BreakingTheCycles.com. There was a time when they were my concerns, as well. They are a big part of why I do the work I do, for when my daughters were young, I lived in constant fear of dying and leaving them to fend for themselves, and I lived in constant fear of staying. My repeated prayer was, “Please let me live until they’ve graduated high school and are enrolled in college.” So in fear, I dug in and tried harder to control the uncontrollable. It was the ultimate Catch-22.
So what can someone do who finds themselves at their wits end, sick and tired of being sick and tired but caught in the ultimate Catch-22?
Understand Alcohol Misuse, Alcoholism, Treatment and Recovery
In order to best determine next steps, it’s important to fully understand what you are dealing with. Is it alcoholism? Is it drinking too much on occasion? What is recovery? The following can help answer these sorts of questions:
- Clearly understand alcoholism as the brain disease it is. Alcoholism is one of the brain diseases of addiction. When we understand the brain disease, we understand the person with the disease will NEVER act in any other manner as long as they continue to drink ANY amount. It is the ethyl alcohol chemical in alcoholic beverages that sets in motion the myriad of neural networks that have embedded around the risk factors for developing the disease (genetics, social environment, mental disorder, childhood trauma, and early use) and the characteristics (tolerance, loss of control, physical dependence, and cravings) of this brain disease. This means there is no amount of promising that can keep a next time from happening if the person continues to drink. Check out: NIDA’s Drugs, Brains, and Behavior: The Science of Addiction and NIDA, NIAAA, The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, HBO’s The Addiction Project. Related post: Why Addicts | Alcoholics Lie, Cheat, Steal.
- Know there are simple, anonymous assessments you can use to determine your spouse’s drinking pattern and thus what it is you are dealing with – alcohol abuse vs alcoholism. Check out WHO’s Alcohol Use Disorders Test and NIAAA’s Rethinking Drinking . Related video: Alcoholism is a Disease and It’s Not Alcohol Abuse Related link: NIAAA’s Clinician’s Guide to Helping Patients Who Drink Too Much.
- Clearly understand what effective treatment for alcoholism (or drug addiction) looks like so that if that becomes the solution, it has the best opportunity of being successful. Check out: NIDA’s Principles of Effective Addiction Treatment. Related post: Family Law Discrimination Against Recoving Alcoholics | Addicts.
- Understand that if there is a co-occurring mental illness (ADHD, PTSD, bipolar, depression…) that it must be treated, as well, for that is often the trigger to drink or use. Related post: Effective Dual Diagnosis Treatment | Relapse Prevention
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This is my latest book and will answer so many of the questions that readers of this post may have.
Understand the non drinking spouse is deeply affected and needs to get their own help. Out of my own experiences, I wrote three books to help family members, the person struggling with their drinking, and others involved by association (the family law attorney, the judge, the treating physician, the in-laws…). This is my most recent: 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much. The first half explains alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol. Yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…). The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, as well as what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives. The book comes in both paperback and Kindle (which can be read on an iPad or other eReader device). With the Kindle format, you’re able to get it immediately, which may be helpful for right now, and it allows you to read it without anyone knowing, which may also be helpful.
- Consider getting help for yourself on how to help your loved one change their alcohol (or drug) use. Check out the Center for Motivation and Change’s CRAFT 20 Minute Guide.
Legal Resources to Help When Living With or Divorcing a Spouse Who Drinks Too Much
The following legal resources can be helpful to the person who doesn’t know where to start and/or doesn’t have the financial resources to hire someone to help – at least initially:
NOLO’S essential guide to divorce
This is a publication of Nolo Press, and I can’t say enough good things about it. Quoting from the book’s description, “Nolo’s Essential Guide to Divorce guides you through all stages of separation and divorce with practical wisdom and compassion. Make the process simpler and reduce your expenses with information that will help you:
- understand the divorce process
- minimize day-to-day conflict with your spouse
- work with lawyers or mediators without breaking the bank
- avoid costly, exhausting court battles, and
- stay calm and make good decisions.
“You’ll learn how to tackle the tough issues, including:
- child support
- child custody
- alimony
- dividing property, including pensions and real estate, and
- drafting a marital settlement agreement.
“On every page, this book stresses the importance of minimizing conflict, explains complex legal problems concisely, and provides advice on how to protect your interests — with your dignity and sanity intact. Plus, easy-to-use charts make it simple to find the divorce laws in your state.”
Your county or state’s self-help center / family law facilitator
To give you a sense of what this is, I’m quoting from the website of The Superior Court of California San Mateo County Self-Help Center / Family Law Facilitator (this would not apply to anyone outside of San Mateo County, CA – you’d search for something similar in your county):
All persons who are in “Pro Per” and acting as their own attorney are encouraged to have their forms reviewed by the Family Law Facilitator before filing or presenting the papers to the Court.
The Family Law Facilitators provide general information and referrals. They will review your paperwork and give you information regarding:
- Initial orders or modifications for child custody, visitation, child, or spousal support
- Domestic violence restraining orders (for help filling out the forms to Domestic Violence Restraining Orders, please go to Bay Area Legal Aid’s Domestic Violence Restraining Order Clinic.)
- Initiating an action to establish paternity
- Dissolution (divorce)*, legal separation, nullity of marriage
- Responses to any of the above
- Fee waivers (if you cannot afford the court filing fees)
- Income and expense declarations
The Family Law Facilitator also calculates child and spousal support under the California State guidelines, assists both parties to prepare stipulations (agreements) regarding child custody, visitation, child and spousal support, and prepares orders for parties who have come from a court hearing.
Although the Facilitators are attorneys, they do not represent you and can only give you general information about the law and your case. Please see a private attorney for a consultation before you begin your legal proceedings to learn about your legal rights.
For help filling out the forms to request a Domestic Violence Restraining Order, please go to Bay Area Legal Aid’s Domestic Violence Restraining Order Clinic.
* The Family Law Facilitator will assist anyone wishing to start a divorce (dissolution) or legal separation only in one of our workshops. Also, anyone wishing to file a response to a divorce (dissolution) or legal separation may attend the workshops.
There should be a similar self-help center / family law facilitator in your county or state.
Lisa Frederiksen
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