One way to stay sober is to have a sober roommate, and one way to find a sober roommate is to use a terrific online service created by Jesse Sandler, MySoberRoommate.com.

Jesse is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy for people in addiction recovery. He works at a dual-diagnosis intensive outpatient program and has a small private practice in Los Angeles. Most recently, Jesse created MySoberRoommate, a new online community for sober people to find likeminded roommates (MySoberRoommate.com). Aware of the role that one’s living environment plays in maintaining a clean lifestyle, and frustrated that his clients had nowhere to search for and connect with sober roommates, Jesse decided to make one. He believes that through hard work, commitment, and hope, people can and do get better. You can reach Jesse at jesse@mysoberroommate.com.

Stay Social to Stay Sober – by Jesse Sandler

Several weeks ago, I told you about the five foundational behaviors I believe are fundamental to staying on track in recovery.

Today, I’d like to focus on three triggers for relapse that I frequently see in my practice as an addiction therapist, and offer a few ideas for how to deal with them.

“A pain shared is divided. A joy shared is multiplied.”

We are social beings. We build communities, we seek solace and support from others in times of grief, and we revel in our accomplishments with family and friends. Research has shown that sharing our positive experiences with others heightens their positive impacts on our moods, and sharing our tough times with people who understand what we’re going through makes them easier to bear.

All too often, though, when things get tough, we hole up. We isolate, staying alone with our struggles instead of reaching out for support. This makes us feel even more alone, and when we don’t find comfort in others, we are more likely to turn to old, destructive habits for quick relief. This may feel good in the short term, but as we all know, it is a terrible idea for the long term. Telling someone else that you are having a tough time can feel harder than keeping quiet, but it’s worth it. Other people can help you keep perspective, keep your eye on the prize, and even just be there as a shoulder to cry on, to make you laugh, and to keep you strong.

We will all have hard times, guaranteed. The key is how we respond to them. In my practice, I’ve seen that my clients do the worst when they deal with tough times by clamming up and staying alone—even though it may not feel like it in the moment, this is when you need to reach out the most. I’ve also noticed that when my clients are going through rough patches, the ones who live alone tend to have worse outcomes than those who have a built-in support network at home. It’s easy to make bad decisions in the moment when there’s no one around to support you, and to remind you how hard you’ve worked and that things can and do get better.

Because of this, I am a strong advocate of living with people who understand what you’re going through and support your recovery. So much so, in fact, that I recently created a website exclusively for sober people to find sober roommates. It’s called MySoberRoommate.com, and it’s designed to make it as easy as possible for you to put yourself in a living environment that’s conducive to staying on track. On the site, you can make a profile, search for people who meet your criteria, and message with them to see if you’re compatible, all for free. This is just one tool among many that you can use to surround yourself with support and set yourself up for success.

Breaking up is hard to do

Another common relapse trigger is a breakup. Ending a relationship can tempt you to return to old bad habits for several reasons. First, and most obvious, it’s painful. Regardless of the specifics of who ended it and why, ending a relationship stirs up emotions, and a lot of the time, those emotions hurt. And sometimes it can feel like the quickest and easiest way to escape those feelings is to use.

Breakups also often bring with them significant life changes. Especially if you are ending a marriage or you and your now-ex were living together, breaking up means that everything from your daily routine to your surroundings has been disrupted. Old habits, even bad ones, may sound comforting in the face of so much change and turmoil. You may also be tempted to turn to substances to fill the void that your former partner left behind. Further, ending the relationship may have meant losing a significant link in your support network, so someone you likely turned to during tough times to keep you on track is now gone.

During these times, it’s particularly important to reach out to people who support you and who will keep you strong, and to find a way to put yourself in a stable and supportive living environment. Nothing will make the pain of a breakup and the discomfort of adjusting to life without your ex magically disappear. But taking care of yourself, reaching out for support, and surrounding yourself with people who have healthy habits can lessen the urge to turn to destructive behaviors during these tough times.

The Barber Shop

As you’ve probably heard if you’re a regular at AA meetings, “if you stay in the barber shop long enough, you’re going to get a haircut.” One of the most common triggers for relapse is putting yourself in situations where you’re surrounded by people who use, especially early on. One explanation for this is the idea that willpower is a limited resource, and that the more and the longer we’re exposed to temptations, the more likely we are to give in. Another is that, consciously or not, we tend to adopt the habits of those around us. In the case of people in recovery, this means that repeatedly putting yourself in situations where drugs, alcohol, etc. are present makes it more likely that you’ll relapse.

Conversely, if you surround yourself by people who are clean and healthy, you’re more likely to adopt their habits and stay on track. If you were trying to eat healthily, you probably wouldn’t hang out at McDonalds. The same goes for staying clean. Find fun things to do that don’t involve drugs or alcohol, don’t hang out at the same places you used to before got clean, and live with people who share your healthy lifestyle.

Conclusion

On your path of recovery, you’ll be faced with triggers. It’s inevitable. But you give yourself the best chance to resist them if you have a strong support network, and a strong attitude. Surround yourself with people who understand and support your journey, both socially and at home. Don’t get cocky. Don’t get complacent. Recovery is hard work. Staying humble, mindful, and diligent about taking care of yourself—going to meetings, maintaining your five pillars, and surrounding yourself with people that will keep you on track—can help you stay strong, even when you don’t feel strong.