Holidays Filled With Secondhand Drinking – What to Do
For some, the holidays are warm, fun, happy gatherings with friends and family. But for those whose holidays are filled with secondhand drinking, lurking behind that hope for those kinds of gatherings runs a current of angst, fear, and worry.
Angst, fear, and worry about:
- how to keep him from drinking too much and picking a fight with any guy who looks at his girlfriend
- how to keep his wife from nagging him about having another beer, which always turns into a crazy, convoluted, rolling of the eyes argument and an abrupt exit by one of them
- whether dinner will be served before she passes out and or worse, she passes out in her plate like two Christmases ago
- him being out partying with his high school buddies home for the holidays and one of them thinking they’re safe to drive after having “just a couple of drinks”
- her doing it again – getting so drunk she has to be babysat to protect her from wandering off with some guy or passing out while vomiting in the bathroom
- waking up the next morning crushed by what he said the night before and now acting like he doesn’t remember.
If you are one of the 90 million Americans affected by secondhand drinking, you’ve likely lived one of these scenarios a few times. You’ve likely felt hurt, used, abused, confused and downright angry over having to deal with a family member or friend’s drinking behaviors.
So what is secondhand drinking?
It is the other side of alcohol misuse. It is being on the receiving end of a person’s drinking behaviors – whether that person is a family member, co-worker, friend, or stranger-on-the-street.
What are those drinking behaviors?
- Fighting with friends or family about the drinking; saying or doing things you don’t remember or regret.
- Driving while under the influence; getting a DUI (DWI); riding in a car driven by someone who has been drinking; crashing into an oncoming car and killing or paralyzing the driver and/or their passengers.
- Experiencing blackouts – fragmentary or complete; vomiting; passing out.
- Doing poorly at work or school because of the drinking or recovering from the effects of drinking.
- Having unplanned unwanted or unprotected sex; committing date rape.
- Being admitted to the emergency room with a high Blood Alcohol Content (BAC), in addition to the “real” reason (e.g., broken arm, feel down the stairs, auto accident).
And what are the potential secondhand drinking impacts of these drinking behaviors?
Taking just the first three:
- Being the person trying to defend oneself against the verbal attack that happens when you comment on how they are behaving or disagree with something they’ve said; something that made no sense or was offensive to you.
- Believing them when they say they’re okay to drive and getting into the car and then finding yourself in the emergency room after they hit a parked car.
- Taking responsibility for keeping them safe, monitoring them if they pass out, cleaning up their vomit.
So how do you protect yourself from holidays filled with secondhand drinking?
1. Understand that exceeding per occasion “normal” or “low-risk” drinking limits changes the way a person’s brain works. These limits are:
- For women: 4 or more standard drinks (and sometimes, it is a whole lot less than 4 depending on her weight, any medications she’s taking, stage of brain development and other factors)
- For men: 5 or more standard drinks (and sometimes, it’s a whole lot less than 5 depending on his weight, stage of brain development and other factors).
2. Understand how the body processes alcohol – click here for the more complete explanation – but basically, it takes the liver about one hour to metabolize (rid the body of) the ethyl alcohol chemicals in one standard drink. Six drinks will take six hours, and while it’s waiting its turn out the liver, these ethyl alcohol chemicals “sit” in the brain (and other body organs) and impairs brain function, thereby changing a person’s behaviors. In the case of a DUI, the changed behavior is believing one is safe to drive after drinking alcohol.
According to the California Department of Motor Vehicles website, for example, a person weighing 110-129 lbs. and having 2 drinks in an hour will probably have a Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) of .08. A person weighing 130-149 lbs. and having 3 drinks in 2 hours will probably have a BAC of .08. And a person weighing 170-189 lbs. and having 4 drinks in 2 hours will also likely have a BAC of .08. A BAC of .08 will result in an arrest for a DUI/DWI. Additionally, even if a person only registers a BAC of .04, he/she can still be charged with a DUI – the charge is driving while impaired.
3. Know the definition of a standard drink, which means the amount of ethyl alcohol chemical in the alcoholic beverage by volume and type of alcohol is the same; equal to one standard drink. For example, 5 ounces of table wine = 12 ounces of regular beer = 1.5 ounces of vodka and other 80-proof hard liquor = ONE STANDARD DRINK. Many bar pours contain more than one standard drink. A margarita, for example, can contain 2-3. Check out NIAAA’s Rethinking Drinking > “What’s a ‘standard drink?’” and “How many drinks are in common containers?”
Knowing this and the information in numbers 1 and 2 can help you appreciate that a person who exceeds these limits is incapable of behaving “normally,” so you will understand that you should not:
- engage in the argument they insist on having
- take to heart what they said or did
- get in the car if they’re planning to drive
- clean up their vomit (they can do it themselves the next morning)
- engage in a fist fight if they try to start one
- start making out with them, unless you want to and are comfortable with where things may progress if they press you further.
Above all, understand that ANYONE — from the first time drinker to the week-end binger to the daily, “just having a few,” to the alcoholic*– ANYONE who drinks more than the brain and body can process can cause secondhand drinking.
And what do you say to someone who drinks too much?
For this, I share the link to one of my most widely read posts, What to Say to Someone Who Drinks Too Much.
©2016 Lisa Frederiksen
*Today, the preferred term is “person with an alcohol use disorder.”
Lisa Frederiksen
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