Part of what keeps a person in relationship with a loved one who has a substance use disorder are their own triggers. Triggers can be thoughts, feelings or emotions triggered by another person’s behaviors or shaming words. Darlene Lancer, a frequent guest blogger on BreakingTheCycles.com, helps readers understand triggers and the codependency connection and what a person can do to stop or change their reaction to their triggers.

Darlene is the author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, and her latest eBook is titled, Dealing with a Narcissist, 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com.

Triggers and the Codependency Connection – by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

What triggers you?

Triggers and codependency. Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, shares her expertise to help those who love someone with a substance use disorder identify their triggers and offers suggestions for what they can do to stop them.

Codependents are off the charts when it comes to reacting to others’ feelings, needs, problems, opinions, wants, and more. The more hurts we’ve endured and the weaker our boundaries, the more reactive we are to people and events. When we react, we permit our insides to be taken over by someone or something outside of us. Negative reactions can easily escalate hurt feelings and conflict. Often, however, we may really be reacting to someone from our past.

An apropos Al-Anon slogan is “Q-TIP,” – “Quit Taking It Personally.” When we interpret someone else’s words or actions as a comment about us, we’re taking other people’s feelings personally. We might react with guilt or defensiveness, because we assume we’re to blame. When we do, we take on the other person’s problem or shame. Our self-esteem now resides with someone else.

Defining Triggers

What we react to – our “triggers”– are unique to our personality and individual history. Think of triggers as wounds – often from past trauma. When we’re triggered, we’re re-experiencing a past injury in present time.

Internal Triggers

We can trigger ourselves into feeling ashamed if we don’t measure up to standards we’ve adopted for ourselves. We can easily activate our inner critic to ruin our day and our life! Do the steps in 10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism to quiet your critic and overcome the “tyranny of the should’s.” Codependents generally deny their needs and believe that they should self-sacrifice them. Given this belief, when we receive a request for help could trigger an automatic offer of assistance, even when that could harm ourselves or be counterproductive to the person asking.

A common trigger for codependents is being told they’re “too sensitive,” or “selfish.” However, labels stick, despite the fact that they were said by an insensitive or selfish parent. We can grow up feeling branded for life, even though the judgments were untrue.

External Triggers and Overreactions

Overreactions occur when the intensity and duration of our feelings and/or behavior are disproportionately greater than normal under the present circumstances. We overreact when an external trigger reminds us of an experience we’ve had with someone or something important in our past. They may be hard to recognize in ourselves because we believe our perceptions are accurate, but consider a scene where a war veteran draws his gun upon hearing the walls creak at night – appropriate in a war zone, but not when he’s safe at home.

An overreaction can bring about exactly what we’re attempting to avoid. If our past experience with the police endangered us or a loved to us, we might attempt to flee or be rudel This draws the police’s attention and could lead to a serious consequences

Healing Our Triggers

The first step in healing triggers is to identify them, as well as your internal beliefs. Remember that these are wounds, so approach them with compassion and tenderness. Healing may involve the stages of grief and/or re-evaluating the context and validity of learned beliefs. There are exercises and a handy chart in Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You that are very helpful.

With healthy self-esteem and intact boundaries, we’re able to see that another person’s actions and point-of-view are not a reflection on us, but express his or her unique perspective, experience, needs, and feelings. There’s no need to react, only to listen and respond. Once we’re more connected to our real self, we can decide how to respond effectively. For example, instead of placating an abuser we can set effective boundaries. (See How to Speak Your Mind: Become Assertive and Set Limits and How to Be Assertive.)

When we take time to connect to our true self, if we have feelings about what was said, we can respond authentically, which is different from an automatic knee-jerk reaction. This invites the same from other people and dramatically changes our interactions with them. See www.whatiscodependency.com for “14 Tips for Letting Go.” Read the full article on getting triggered.

©Darlene Lancer 2017

• Bio
• Latest Posts

Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com

Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.

Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)

• Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
• Resources for Parents of Children with Substance Use and Mental Disorders - October 18, 2022
• 4 Things to Support Brain Health and Function for Recovery - August 30, 2022