BreakingTheCycles.com 10 year anniversary — its hard for me to believe it’s already been 10 years!

I started BreakingTheCycles.com in 2008 to provide education, prevention and intervention information and services rooted in 21st Century brain science for a range of addiction-related concerns, including: substance abuse, mental illness, addiction* as a brain disease, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, dual diagnosis, underage drinking, help for families, treatment, recovery, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), brain health and more.

*Note:The term “addiction” may be regarded as equivalent to a severe substance use disorder as defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5, 2013).

BreakingTheCycles.com 10 Year Anniversary

I began researching this science and giving talks about my findings in 2003 when one of my loved ones entered residential treatment for alcoholism, and I couldn’t accept the premise that addiction was a disease, nor relate to the terms, “codependent” and “enabler.”

“What do you mean, I’m a codependent and an enabler? I’m just trying to keep what’s falling apart somehow together,” I’d explain to the treatment center’s family therapist. And then I’d argue, “Cancer is a disease. All they have to do is put down the bottle!” That last bit especially made sense to me because I’d grappled with eating disorders for 12 years, from ages 16 – 28, and had learned to re-eat. “A person needs food to survive, they don’t need alcohol,” I’d declare, in my anger and frustration over the claim that addiction was a disease.

But I was so, so DONE and resigned myself to doing whatever the treatment center’s family therapist told me to do. This included participating in AlAnon, attending as many family therapy group sessions at the treatment center as were available, and finding a therapist who understands the family disease of addiction (I did and spent 3 years doing cognitive behavioral therapy [CBT] with him). And in the midst of that, I did what I do — research. You see, by 2003 I’d written several books on women leaders in the women’s and civil rights movements, so I decided to shift my research to understanding all-things addiction.

Five years into my recovery, I wrote my book, If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What You Really Need to Know When Your Loved One Drinks Too Much in 2008 (I’m in the process of revising this book to share what’s been discovered in the 10 years following that first edition :). And I started my blog, BreakingTheCycles.com, to share what I was learning about the family’s experience and addiction as a brain disease.

My goal in founding BreakingTheCycles.com was to change, and in some cases simply start, the conversations on these topics so that together we can end the stigma, misinformation and shame that keep over 120 million Americans stuck fighting something they truly don’t understand. This 120 million represents those struggling with their alcohol or other drug abuse/addiction and the people – typically family members and friends – who love them and try desperately to help them stop.

Why?

Because…

We Now Have the Science to Break the Cycles

I have written over 800 blog posts and scores of articles for other publications this past ten years. So I decided to use BreakingTheCycles.com’s 10-year anniversary post to share a sampling of them and continue the conversations.

Enjoy!

Shattering the Shame of Addiction is key to healing both sides of this family disease.

The Shame of Addiction

I saw it again last night as I faced an audience of people in treatment for Substance Use Disorders (SUDs), aka addiction, and their family members, all of whom were present to hear my lecture.

I saw the crushing emotional pain that surrounds this family disease on their faces, in their body language, in the way they did or did not look me in the eye or venture a tentative smile. 

For the people with SUDs, it crossed the spectrum: shame, defeat, anger, embarrassment, defiance, sadness, regret, fear. Shame. For the family members, it crossed the spectrum: shame, defeat, anger, embarrassment, defiance, sadness, regret, fear. Shame.

Some were numb, some still detoxing, some only there because it’s what they were supposed to do. For some, there was hope. For others, it was a last ditch effort. For some, it just was.

Later that evening, after the program, one young girl sobbed the pain of having her alcoholic father scream at her that very afternoon, yelling at her to, “Shut the @#!* up!” when she tried to explain why the person giving her a ride to visit him could only stay two days and not the three he demanded. He’d ended the call telling her not to come at all, that he was done.

Between sobs, the young girl pleaded, “How does a father do this? How can a father threaten to cut his daughter out of his life for something over which she has no control? And I know he’ll do it, and I don’t want that. God, I hate this @#!*ing shit – he’s been doing this my whole life! How does a father do this!?!?!”

It was that young girl, especially, who tore my heart open. They all do to some degree. But sometimes there’s one that really hits me harder than others, for one reason or another. After decades of my own experiences with family members and friends who abused or were dependent on alcohol, a decade of my own secondhand drinking recovery work and years of trying to help others on both sides of this family disease, I think it was her raw, gut-wrenching, core-stripping pain that left me crushed by my powerlessness to help her in that moment.  It took me back to my own moments of that kind of pain.

So I wrapped her in my arms. She let me and then wrapped me back. And I held her tight, while she sobbed through her rage and her pain. But I had no words. There are no words at times like that because there are no words that can possibly touch the pain and make sense of the nightmare. Read the rest, including Six Suggestions to Shatter the Shame of Addiction

Helping readers understand the impacts of a parent’s alcohol abuse or alcoholism on their children.

I Hate You and I Love You – Daughter of an Alcoholic

I’d like to share the words of a high school girl who wrote a letter to her alcoholic father but never mailed it. It’s the rawness of her hurt, so many years into her life, that drew me to share this letter in the hope we can better understand the devastating impact on the children in a family with alcohol abuse and/or alcoholism. 

The scars go far deeper than what/who we treat — namely the person with the alcohol use disorder. These scars shape the next generation — their sense of self-worth, their coping skills…. They form the bases of at least 4 of the adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) measured in the Kaiser-CDC ACE Study, such as: emotional/verbal abuse, physical abuse, neglect, alcohol-related violence against one’s mother/step-mother, and parental divorce.

We must work to enhance our alcohol awareness, education, prevention and intervention programs to include the impacts of secondhand drinking – especially on the children.

…Was there a time in your life when you sat down with yourself. when you found yourself looking at me and thinking, “Wow, I love her, I love her with all my heart.” Because dad that’s what I think. I could never love you more because my heart is only so big. Because you are my father, my only dad, I will always love you. Always. And even when you can’t will yourself to call me, or Click here to continue reading.

What do you mean, “Detach with love?!?” Celebrating BreakingTheCycles.com 10 Year Anniversary by sharing this and other favorite posts.

Detach. Detach With Love. You’ve Got to Be Kidding!

And, then, of course, there are the concepts of “detach” and “detach with love.” What the heck do these mean? “Who’s going to make sure my loved one is safe; doesn’t use; gets a job; succeeds in recovery if I detach?’” they often say.

For some, the suggestion they detach with love, is followed by their equally incredulous response, “Are you kidding? After all they’ve done to me? You are off your rocker. That’s asking way too much!”

And when you think about it, it is all too much. It feels like being told you have to learn to read, write, speak and translate German and Chinese within the next month (the time-period for the typical 28-day, residential addiction treatment program) or YOU will have failed. Read the rest…

Addiction is a family disease affecting just about every person in a family…mothers, fathers, children, brothers, sisters, grandparents…

The Dance of the Family Disease of Addiction

Addiction (whether to drugs or alcohol) affects everyone in the family, which is why it’s commonly referred to as a “family disease” — the family disease of addiction. It causes members of a family to develop coping methods that help them interact with one another because no one really knows , understands and/or is willing to admit, let alone confront, the underlying problem – namely that substance misuse (not the job or the kids or a bad day at the office…) has changed the way a loved one thinks, how they feel, what they say and what they do. I call it, “The Dance.” Click here to read the rest.

Knowing the Alcohol by Volume matters because it’s the ethyl alcohol chemicals that change the way the brain works.

Alcohol By Volume (ABV or ALC. By Vol.) and “Proof” Explained

Alcohol By Volume (ABV) can be very difficult to determine. (Another term you often here related to ABV is “proof.”) But it’s an important concept to understand in order to stay in control of one’s drinking. Why?

One of the most common reasons people find themselves inadvertently drinking more than they’d intended is the confusion that surrounds the idea of “A” (one) drink. Confounding that understanding is the confusion about how much alcohol is in a particular type of alcoholic beverage (in other words, the alcohol by volume). Continue reading…

Addiction is a chronic disease and so are cancer, diabetes and heart disease.

Treating Addiction Like Other Chronic Diseases – We Don’t Make People Wait to Treat Their Heart Disease

Requiring a person with heart disease to wait for treatment is impossible to imagine. It just wouldn’t happen. And, yet, people with a different chronic disease – the brain disease of addiction (aka substance use disorder) – experience this situation ALL THE TIME.

Not only that, trying to figure out where to go or take a loved one in the downward spiral of addiction, a spiral that can result in death, is overwhelming. And then, there’s the cost and what is and is not covered by insurance and the lack of understanding of what a person is supposed to look for in order to treat addiction that can slam the door shut on the moment the person with addiction has decided they need help.

And don’t even get me started on the notion that a person has to hit bottom before they can treat their addiction or that the first line of defense – a person’s primary care doctor – generally has little medical understanding, let alone medical school training, on how to screen for addiction based on symptoms and then make a referral to a medically trained addiction-specialist (of which there are few), the same way they’d screen and refer in the case of diabetes, heart disease, or cancer. Read the rest and learn what it takes to treat addiction like other chronic diseases.

it is likely most readers know someone or they are the someone who has personally experienced alcohol’s harm to others | secondhand drinking. The tragedy is we hardly talk about the persons experiencing it.

Alcohol’s Harm to Others | Secondhand Drinking

Alcohol’s Harm to Others | Secondhand Drinking are two terms that identify the very real, health-harming, quality-of-life impacts that a person’s drinking has on others.

Secondhand Drinking is a term I coined in 2009 to raise awareness about the negative impacts a person’s drinking behaviors has on others. Drinking behaviors include: verbal, physical, emotional abuse; neglect; blackouts; unplanned/unwanted sex; breaking promises to stop or cut down; shaming, blaming, denying; unpredictable behaviors; and driving while impaired, to name a few.

Secondhand drinking directly affects an estimated 75 million Americans, including moms, dads, husbands, wives, children, brothers, sisters, grandparents, close friends, boyfriends, girlfriends. It indirectly affects tens of  millions more, including co-workers, fellow-students, innocent bystanders – even the tax payers and citizens of a community. And this is just in America!

As such, it is likely most readers know someone or they are the someone who has personally experienced secondhand drinking. The tragedy is we hardly talk about the persons experiencing it.

Fortunately, that’s about to change, thanks to several recent studies being conducted around the world on Alcohol’s Harm to Others (AHTO), such as: Click here to read the rest.

Understanding the disease and how it must be treated helps explain whey people relapse after years of sobriety.

5 Reasons People Relapse After Years of Sobriety

I have received phone calls and emails following the news of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death and an outpouring of comments, shares and likes on the status update I posted on my various social networking sites.

The responses were typical of those I’ve heard over the years when similar tragedies occur – most of which do not involve the rich and/or famous. They range from deep, deep sadness to anger at the disease of addiction to fear it could happen to their loved one to incredulousness – “how after 23 years clean?” – to this one, “Sorry, I quit buying the PC climate of ‘poor me, it’s someone else’s fault’ BS a long time ago. The only person responsible for this man’s death is the person that stuck the needle in his arm.” To learn why people may relapse after years of sobriety, click here.

Children of Addiction Awareness Week | February 11-17, 2018

I am passionate about celebrating Children of Addiction Awareness Week and the organization behind it for four key reasons. The first is because of the emails I receive from children like this one:

Unresolved ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) can lead to…

I Could Have Developed Alcoholism | I Developed Bulimia Instead

I still look back with great sadness on the 11 years I spent binging and purging (bulimia) and the year I spent “dieting” (anorexia)  — my lost years from ages 16-28.

To the person whose never been bulimic, it’s impossible to understand why someone would “choose” to eat huge quantities of food and then throw it up — over and over and over; time and time and time again. To the person whose never been anorexic, it’s impossible to explain why someone would “choose” to purposely starve themselves. I try to describe what it’s like in my post, “When ACEs are Rooted in Secondhand Drinking.”

By the same token, it’s impossible to understand why someone “starts,” let alone “chooses” to continue, their alcoholism (aka alcohol use disorder). What causes them to repeatedly break promises to themselves and to their loved ones to stop or cut down? Why don’t they love their loved ones enough to stop?

In my opinion, based on my own experience and that of the hundreds of people whom I’ve helped or who have reached out to me to tell me their similar stories, the answer is unresolved ACEs – Adverse Childhood Experiences. Click here to read the full article.

Tracing your family’s ACEs tree can break the cycle of addiction and/or secondhand drinking.

Alcohol Use Disorders | Secondhand Drinking | ACEs – Trace Your Family ACEs Tree

Alcohol use disorders | Secondhand Drinking | ACEs — often, it’s a cycle. The behaviors of a person with an alcohol use disorder (AUD) cause secondhand drinking (SHD), and both AUD and SHD can change an entire family system. A changed family system can cause adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) for the current generation of children. And a child with ACEs can grow up to develop an alcohol use disorder and/or enter relationships or marriages with a person who has one.

Tracing your Family ACEs Tree can help break the cycle of family alcohol misuse. Doing this made all the difference for my mom, myself and my two daughters, and caused my mom to say to me during one of our phone calls, “Lisa – please – please use my story – our story – to help others.” And so I am. Read the rest and trace your family ACEs tree…

Divorcing an Alcoholic? How do you tell your 3 and 5 year old they are never to drive with daddy or mommy when they’ve been drinking?

Fears for Children When Divorcing an Alcoholic

The thought of divorcing an alcoholic is terrifying for so many reasons, but when one has children, it can be paralyzing.

“I am terrified to divorce because my children aren’t safe with him.”

And one of the saddest truths is that often the alcoholic is not terribly mean or abusive when drunk. But mean or not mean, they cannot be trusted to be alert and in command of all their faculties when it’s their turn to have the children. They cannot be trusted not to drive after drinking, and worse, not to drive with the children in the car after drinking; to make sure the children are fed and put to bed; to not smoke and leave burning cigarettes in the ashtray when they pass out…. And even if divorce is not the option being considered, these same fears are constantly present when living under the same roof, trying to co-parent with an actively drinking alcoholic. These very real, justifiable fears are the ones that churn nonstop throughout the day in a constant worry loop of questions:

“He drinks and drives all the time. How can I protect myself and my children financially – should I have a separate insurance policy?”

“How do I tell my 3 and 5 year old they’re not to drive with daddy – ever?”

“I’m having an impossible time trying to ‘do it all’ – work full time, drop off and pick up the kids, never leave them alone with her – but if I don’t stay with my kids 24/7 when they’re not in school, I’m afraid she might get drunk and think she’s safe to drive or start her crazy talk, which they don’t understand and then she gets mad at them for that. What do I do?”

“What if something happens to me? My children won’t be safe with him. How can I be sure they’re financially taken care of if he gets fired or runs through the insurance money if I should die?”

These very real, justifiable fears turn the non-alcoholic spouses into shrill, fear-filled, anxious, frantic people. They become persons they were never like before the insanity and were certainly never meant to be. They become the other half of this family disease and are often as equally confusing for their children to understand, because like the alcoholic, they are not “there;” they are not consistently approachable, calm, warm and loving, with consistent reactions and actions that make sense to their children. Instead, they, too, are in their own world — a world that takes on a life of its own as they try day in and day out to control the uncontrollable — namely, the brain of an alcoholic who is actively drinking. I mean, really, how do you tell a 3 or 5 year old they are never to drive with daddy, or the real reason mommy is not “fine” even though that’s her pat answer when they ask, “Mommy, are you okay?” “Mommy what’s wrong?”

To read the rest, click here. 

Failing to treat co-occurring disorders, such as a mental illness and drug addiction, at the same time by professionals working together to treat both is a recipe for relapse.

Co-occurring Disorders Require Co-Occurring Disorders Treatment

What happens when co-occurring disorders treatment doesn’t happen?

Consider the following exchange I had with one of my clients, a 45-year old male who had been ticketed for a DUI. His wife was threatening legal separation. He was worried about losing his license, which would cost him his job. The DUI had prompted him to complete a 28-day rehab program for alcoholism to show the judge he was intent on changing, but he wanted to know what else he could do – mostly to prevent losing his license and preserve his marriage.

I asked him a few questions, which his how I start these exchanges. My work with clients is not as a therapist or counselor, rather I listen to their story and then provide educational services and resources that can help them and/or their families take next steps.

Do you think you’re an alcoholic?
Yes.

Have you been through rehab before?
Yes – about 10 years ago but that was for drugs.

Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?
Yes. Bipolar, OCD and PTSD.

Have you sought treatment for your mental illnesses or did your most recent rehab treatment team address them?
No and no.

Did you tell them about your diagnoses?
Yes and they encouraged me to see a therapist when I got out.

Have you?
No.

What are you doing for your recovery?
Going to a lot of AA meetings. I got a Vivitrol injection for the cravings – I’ll do another one in a month.

Unfortunately, this is not an unusual scenario for the person with addiction or their family member who calls me at their wits end over the vicious cycle: rehab – relapse, rehab – relapse. Time and again, what is missing is the complete lack of understanding of co-occurring disorders and the need to treat them simultaneously and for a long time.. To read the rest, click here.

Thank you for reading, and as always, feel free to contact me with questions via phone, 916-241-3288, or email, LisaF@BreakingTheCycles.com. There is no charge for these kinds of calls or email exchanges, and please know I’m in California on PST. If I miss your call, I will call you back.

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Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com

Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.

Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)

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