Cognitive distortions, like overgeneralizing, labeling, self-criticism, and black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking, can “skew your perceptions” and may be caused by “the anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or perfectionism that often accompany codependency.” Darlene Lancer, a frequent guest blogger on BreakingTheCycles.com, helps readers understand cognitive distortions, how they harm us, and what a person can do to stop or change theirs.

Darlene is the author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, and her latest eBook is titled, Dealing with a Narcissist, 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com.

Reality Isn’t What You Think! How Cognitive Distortions Harm Us by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

Codependency can warp our perception. The shame and insecurity that it causes can change the way we view events and conversations. Additionally, our mind tricks us according to what we think, believe, and feel. These cognitive distortions reflect flawed thinking, often stemming from low-self-esteem and cause us unnecessary pain.

The anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or perfectionism that often accompany codependency can skew your perceptions. Negative filters distort reality and can generate stressful emotions. Thoughts stir up feelings, which in turn trigger more negative thoughts, creating a negative feedback loop.

Cognitive Distortions

Darlene Lancer explains cognitive distortions and how they can warp our perceptions.

Being able to identify cognitive distortions builds our capacity to be mindful. Some are listed below:

• Negative filtering
• Magnification
• Labeling
• Personalization
• Black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking
• Negative projections
• Overgeneralizing

Self-Criticism

Self-criticism is the most pernicious aspect of codependency and low self-esteem. It distorts reality and your perception of yourself. It can make you feel guilty, flawed, and inadequate. Negative self-talk robs you of happiness, make you miserable, and can lead to depression and illness. It leads to negative filtering, which itself is considered a cognitive distortion. Self-criticism produces to other distortions, such as magnification and labeling, when you call yourself an idiot, a failure, a jerk, for example. (For 10 specific strategies for working with the critic, see 10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism.) Shame underlies chronic self-criticism and causes cognitive distortions. You might perceive yourself and events in a negative manner that no one else would. (See Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.)

Magnification

Magnification is when we exaggerate our weaknesses or responsibilities. We can also inflate negative projections and potential risks. It’s also called catastrophizing, because we’re “making mountains out of molehills” or “blowing things out of proportion.” It’s driven by insecurity and anxiety and escalates them. Another distortion is minimization, when we downplay the importance of our attributes, skills, and positive thoughts, feelings, and events, such as compliments.

Personalization

Shame also underlies personalization. It’s when we take personal responsibility for things over which we have no control. We might also blame ourselves when anything bad happens as well as take the blame for things that happen to other people – even when it’s attributable to their own actions! We can end up always feeling guilty or like a victim. If you’re plagued by guilt, it may be a symptom of toxic shame. Take steps to analyze and free yourself of guilt. (See Freedom from Guilt: Finding Self-Forgiveness.)

Black and White Thinking

Do you think in absolutes? Things are all-or-nothing. You’re the best or the worst, right or wrong, good or bad. When you say always or never, it’s a clue that you may be thinking in absolutes. This involves magnification. If one thing goes wrong, we feel defeated. Why bother? “If I can’t do my entire workout, there’s no point to exercise at all.” There’s no gray and no flexibility. But there are always extenuating circumstances. What applies in one instance may not be appropriate in another. An all-or-nothing attitude can cause you to overdo or miss out on opportunities to improve and gradually attain your goals. Exercising for ten minutes or only some muscle groups has big health benefits, compared to doing nothing. There are health risks to overdoing, as well. If you do everyone’s job, work overtime, and never ask for help, you will soon been drained, resentful, and eventually, ill.

Projecting the Negative

Self-criticism and shame generate anticipation of failing and rejection. The future looms as a dangerous threat, rather than a safe arena to explore and enjoy our lives. We may be projecting the unsafe home environment from our childhood and living as if it were happening now. Perfectionists also distort reality by assuming negative events or negative outcomes are more likely to occur than positive ones. This creates tremendous anxiety about failing, making mistakes, and being judged.

Overgeneralizing

Overgeneralizations are opinions or statements that go beyond the truth or are broader than specific instances. We might form a belief based on little evidence or only one example. We can jump from “Mary doesn’t like me,” to “Nobody likes me.” When we generalize about a group of people or gender, it’s usually false. When we use the words, “all” or “none,” “always” or “never,” we probably are making an overgeneralization, based on black-and-white thinking. Another overgeneralization is when we project the past onto the future.

Perfectionists tend to overgeneralize by making global, negative attributions about themselves and about their negative projections. When we don’t measure up to our rigid, unrealistic standards, we not only think the worst of ourselves, we expect the worst will happen. To overcome perfectionism, see “I’m Not Perfect, I’m Only Human” – How to Beat Perfectionism.

©Darlene Lancer, 2018

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