#1. First of all – forgiveness takes time and for some it’s not possible. The way I think of forgiveness is to let go of thinking a different outcome was possible and that’s because the horrific behaviors they exhibited are the outcomes of what went into building that person’s brain and their developing a substance use disorder (like alcoholism), which leads to thought #2. But before I move on to #2, it’s helpful to know there are five key risk factors that contribute to why a person develops a substance use disorder: genetics, childhood trauma (aka Adverse Childhood Experiences), mental illness, social environment, and early use (drinking or using before age 21). This link helps explain the disease of addiction (alcoholism is an addiction), and when it refers to drugs, alcohol is considered a drug.

#2. Understanding that their behaviors cannot change – ever – as long as they use alcohol (or other drugs) and do not treat their brain disease. This link explains what’s considered effective treatment.

#3. Understanding what concepts like Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and the CDC-Kaiser ACE Study are is also helpful in better understanding why a person behaves the way they do – NOT that you can change their behaviors – in fact, no amount of love can stop a person from behaving the way the do, and that’s because of the way their brain is wired. The only brain, and therefore the only thoughts, feelings and behaviors a person can control, is their own. This link provides information on ACEs and this Study.

#4. To help you make sense of all this and why you tried so hard to fix it is to also seek help for yourself.  For this, you may find my article helpful, The Dance of the Family Disease of Addiction, as well as my book (which is only available in eBook or used books right now), “If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!”

…she asked, again, after reading the above, to which I replied with the following.

I don’t know why his abuse of you was so extreme. My guess is that it wasn’t YOU (in other words, it would likely have been the same of another woman), as much as it was his compromised brain function caused by brain wiring around trauma, social environment, genetics, etc. (of which I have no idea what his were, of course) as a child coupled with his compromised brain function caused by wiring around the risk factors and characteristics of addiction. When a person’s brain is changed in these ways, that person’s brain can’t function “normally,” no matter what his loved ones try to do or not do. That person has to get help for themselves. It’s like having a brain tumor. No one else can help that person heal from their brain tumor, only the person can, and if they don’t do what they can to treat it, their brain tumor will get worse, and as the tumor is impinging on parts of the brain as it grows, it will cause brain changes that change the person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

For so many of the people with whom I’ve spoken over the years (and including myself), they tell me that the best thing they did for themselves in order to put this kind of thing behind them was to get help for themselves in order to understand why they tolerated it. When a person is chronically trying to cope with a loved one’s alcohol or other drug misuse/addiction behaviors, they most generally experience toxic stress and need help unwiring the reactionary, stress response related coping skills they’d adopted in order to stay “safe” in the relationship. Typically finding a therapist who understands the family side of the brain disease/disorder of addiction can be a big help, but it does take time. With the help of therapy and/or other treatments, a significant number have told me they learned they’d experienced trauma as a child – they found the ACEs information especially helpful, for example. I’m not saying this is what’s true for you — I’m just sharing what others have shared with me over the course of the 15 years I’ve been working in this area.

Sharing This Exchange to Help Others

Sadly, this is not an uncommon exchange I have with my readers. My hope is that sharing our exchange may help others for this is what she wrote next:

Thanks Lisa. That is very helpful. I have come to the conclusion that in order to get on with my life, I need to put the abuse behind me and accept that he was very unwell from addiction when he did and said these things. Thinking about them, analyzing them or revisiting them is only dragging me down, and I never benefit from that journey through memory….Thank you for your insights. The change in an addict’s brain structure explains it very well for me.