What to Say to Someone With a Drinking Problem
What to say to someone with a drinking problem? Where to begin!
If you’re reading this post, you have likely been hurt, frustrated, concerned, angered, and/or scared by a loved one’s drinking. You’ve likely tried talking, yelling, cajoling, negotiating, looking the other way, believing their promise(s) to stop or cut down, but so far, nothing’s worked. I receive numerous emails and phone calls every week from people in this situation, and I know what they’re feeling. I’ve been there myself.
This is my latest book, and it answers so many of the questions that readers of this post may have – especially those related to secondhand drinking (the negative impacts of a person’s drinking behaviors on others). It’s now available in libraries, local bookstores and online book retailers – click here for the Amazon link 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!
One of the most common questions people have (and I had) is, “How much is too much?,” because no matter how calmly or angrily or sadly I tried to talk with a loved one about their drinking, they always had a comeback. And their ability to slice and dice and mince words or segue into a counter attack could leave me speechless and defeated.
Based on my years of studying current brain research and working in this field, I can now answer my caller or email query’s question, “How much is too much?” with this answer, “Do their behaviors change when they drink?”
And why do I start with drinking behaviors? Because it’s the behaviors they exhibit while under the influence of alcohol that are the issue – not the numbers of drinks, not whether they’re an alcoholic or “just” an alcohol abuser, not if they’re mostly a good parent and don’t miss work, not because they’re so very sorry for what they did.
If a person’s answer is “Yes” to the question, “Do their behaviors change when they drink?,” then I invite them to better understand the following information before they have a conversation (suggestions for what to say appear at the end of this post).
Confirm for Yourself Whether Their Drinking “Really” is a Problem
This is often what keeps a person from talking to someone about their drinking – they’re not really sure whether it is a “problem” and don’t want to get sideways with that person by suggesting it is.
The 2020-2025 Dietary Guidelines for Americans states that “adults of legal drinking age can choose not to drink, or to drink in moderation by limiting intake to 2 drinks or less in a day for men or 1 drink or less in a day for women, on days when alcohol is consumed.”
The CDC’s Alcohol Use and Your Health section (accessed 10.31.21) explains that excessive drinking includes: binge drinking, heavy drinking, and any drinking by pregnant women or people younger than age 21.
- Binge drinking, the most common form of excessive drinking, is defined as consuming
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- For women, 4 or more [standard] drinks during a single occasion.
- For men, 5 or more [standard] drinks during a single occasion.
- Heavy drinking is defined as consuming
- For women, 8 or more [standard] drinks per week.
- For men, 15 or more [standard] drinks per week.
Image shows various “standard” drinks – meaning each of these containers and types of alcoholic beverages contain the same amount of ethyl alcohol.
The idea of a “standard drink” means the amount and type of alcoholic beverage contains the same amount of ethyl alcohol. It’s excessive ethyl alcohol chemicals that changes the brain’s cell-to-cell communication system and causes drinking behaviors (explained below).
The World Health Organization offers an anonymous assessment. It’s called the Alcohol Use Disorders Test (AUDIT). Click here for the PDF download. The assessment is on page 17, and in America, Question 3 should be 4 or more drinks on one occasion for women and 5 or more for men (because drink sizes in America are larger than the world average standard drink size). Interpreting and scoring the AUDIT is found on pages 19-21. Please note – the AUDIT is designed and intended as a screening tool to be used by a medical practitioner, so for the layperson – it should be considered information only.
If after reading the above or doing the AUDIT you find your loved one’s drinking exceeds that described as “moderation,” you are right to be concerned. Not only that, but understanding that alcohol abuse is not alcoholism is an important because they BOTH cause drinking behaviors, but they are treated differently.
Alcohol Abuse is Not Alcoholism, Yet Both Cause Drinking Behaviors
The reason for the distinction between alcohol abuse and alcoholism is that “stopping” is different depending on which one it is. For the alcoholic, they have the brain disease of addiction and must stop drinking all together for it is the alcohol that triggers their brain disease. For the alcohol abuser, it is possible they can learn to “re-drink” – to bring their drinking pattern within “low-risk” limits. And that’s because they have not crossed the line from alcohol abuse to alcoholism. This post may help as it sheds light on the “process” of how a person develops the brain disease of addiction (of which alcoholism is but one), “Want to Prevent Addiction? Assess Your Risk Factors.”
If you’re considering ordering my latest book shown above, the first half explains alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…).
Understand You Have Been Affected by Secondhand Drinking
Secondhand Drinking refers to the negative impacts of a person’s drinking behaviors on others. Drinking behaviors, include:
- Doing poorly at work because of the drinking or recovering from the effects of drinking.
- Fighting with friends or family about the drinking; saying or doing things you don’t remember or regret.
- Binge drinking (defined as drinking 4 or more standard drinks for women; 5 or more for men).
- Verbally, physically or emotionally abusing someone – often a spouse, significant other, co-worker or child.
- Experiencing blackouts.
- Driving while under the influence; getting a DUI; riding in a car driven by someone who has been drinking.
- Having unplanned, unwanted or unprotected sex; date rape.
- Being admitted to the emergency room with a high BAC, in addition to the “other” reason.
These kinds of behaviors occur with the variety of drinking patterns explained above, including binge drinking (drinking 4 or more standard drinks on an occasion for women and 5 or more for men), heavy drinking (drinking 8 or more standard drinks a week for women and 15 or more for men), alcohol abuse (routine binge drinking or heavy social drinking), and alcoholism (now understood to be a chronic, often relapsing brain disease).
Often drinking behaviors are not the “real” person coming out, rather they are the result of the way ethyl alcohol chemicals change brain functioning. Alcohol is not processed like other foods and liquids through the digestive system. Rather, it is metabolized (broken down) by enzymes in the liver, and it takes the liver about one hour to get rid of they ethyl alcohol chemicals in one standard drink. If your loved one drank six beers, it’ll take six hours for their brain to clear, and in that time, they will likely exhibit drinking behaviors. Check out this post, “Understand How the Body Processes Alcohol – Reduce Secondhand Drinking.”
Coping with drinking behaviors causes ongoing activation of the fight-or-flight stress response. When stress is ongoing, it becomes toxic, and toxic stress changes a person’s physical and emotional health and the very quality of their life. The impacts of toxic stress include: sleep disorders, migraines, headaches, stomach ailments, changes in eating habits, dizziness, distracted “thinking,” depression, anxiety, memory impairment, heart disease, and digestive problems.
So, yes, if you have been affected by your loved one’s drinking behaviors, you will want to talk to your loved one about their drinking for your own health’s sake. And to learn more about secondhand drinking and what you can do about it, I urge you to read my latest book, 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! The last half is all about what happens to family members and friends experiencing secondhand drinking and what they can do to help their loved one, but most importantly, to take care of their phone physical and emotional health.
Get Solid on Your Beliefs About the Problem
One of the ways we get tripped up when we try to have a conversations with someone about their drinking is we don’t have the come-backs to the many retorts they throw at us, such as:
- I hadn’t eaten all day!
- Having a couple of drinks a night is no big deal.
- I only drink on the week-ends, and have I ever missed a day of work? No!
- You drink! So what’s the big deal?
Following the suggestions listed above is a great start. You may also wish to read my short eBook, Crossing the Line From Alcohol Use to Abuse to Dependence (aka Alcoholism). It provides the answers that debunk the common myths and misperceptions about a variety of topics related to a person’s drinking. In other words, it can help with a productive come-back.
And, now…
What to Say to Someone With a Drinking Problem
Sometimes knowing what to say to someone with a drinking problem is as much as knowing what NOT to say.
Sometimes knowing what to say to someone with a drinking problem is as much about knowing what NOT to say.
Here’s where it’s helpful to start with WHAT NOT TO SAY:
- You’re a drunk!
- Do you know how stupid you sounded last night!
- Once again, you broke your promise. You broke YOUR PROMISE!!
- If you loved me you’d stop!
Although these kinds of statements are totally normal, they generally stem from not understanding that when a person drinks more than their liver can process (rid the body of), the alcohol continues to change brain function, which is why the person behaves the way they do. It’s not “them,” it’s alcohol changing brain function. Check out “Why BAC Can Keep Rising After a Person Stops Drinking” and “Understand Brain Maps | Change a Habit | Change Your Life.”
Not only this, but these kinds of statements are of the blaming and shaming type and while they make you feel better (believe me, I know from my own experiences), they don’t help the situation because the person with the drinking problem already feels ashamed and filled with self-loathing for why they can’t stop at one or two. Another way to think about it to realize there is no point in trying to make a logical point with someone exhibiting drinking behaviors. His or her brain is not functioning normally, so they cannot process what you say the way a person who is not under the influence of alcohol would.
Instead, try these possible entry statements to the conversation BUT ONLY when they are sober and you’ve asked to talk with them:
- I don’t know if you’re aware how much your behaviors change when you drink, but last night, for example ____________.
- I’ve been doing some googling trying to figure out if I should say anything about how you behave when you drink too much and found this great website, Rethinking Drinking. I’d really like you to do the anonymous assessment and take a look at the other information on the site.
- I think you have alcoholism – I say this so boldly because I’d never understood what alcoholism was before, but now I’ve been doing some research, and it appears you may have it. I’d really like you to take this anonymous assessment created by the World Health Organization as a starter.
- I’ve finally found a name for what happens to me when you behave the way you do while drinking – it’s called secondhand drinking. I’m going to be learning a great deal more about this, but I wanted you to know that your drinking behaviors – the way you act when you drink too much – are causing real problems for me. I’m not sure what to do about them, but I’m also understanding that my old ways of talking about this don’t work, either.
Know it doesn’t have to all be done at once
We tend to want to get it ALL out there and then have a solution – an action plan – by the end of the conversation. But with these kinds of conversations, rarely is this possible. The better approach is to calmly state your concern and then ask if you can talk about some of your other observations and research findings in a day or two – and then be sure to set a date/time to talk. They may want to keep going, but likely they won’t. And if they get defensive at any point, remind them you are doing this out of love and concern. You’d be doing the same thing if you were concerned about some other aspect of their health and wellbeing.
Remember – they are a person, first, and then a person with a drinking problem
It’s so easy to see them as their problem because their drinking problem is causing drinking behaviors that in turn cause you problems. You’ll want to be clear in your own mind that you are taking a stand against their drinking behaviors – against secondhand drinking (the negative impacts of their drinking behaviors on you and the quality of your life) – and not against them as a person.
And, as always…
If you have further questions, feel free to contact me at lisaf@breakingthecycles.com to schedule a phone call. There is no charge.
_____________________________
Note: This post was originally published under this title in 2014. It was revised and updated under the same title April 2019, and updated again October 2021. Please know some comments were on the older post.
Lisa Frederiksen
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I remember when I was in the thick of it with secondhand drinking and not understanding the science behind alcohol abuse, alcoholism and secondhand drinking — the things I said as I lashed out at all of it – I shudder to recall. Thanks so much for your comment and sharing your own experience and how this information would have helped.
Great piece, Lisa! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all have simple, direct conversations with our loved ones concerning their use, abuse or dependence? Ah yes . . .
I particularly appreciated your inclusion of remembering that a person with the disease of alcoholism is a person first. Sometimes, they simply don’t want to quit because steady alcohol use has been a constant in life for many, many decades. That’s where a great deal of respect for their decisions comes in–along with a respect for my own response to the abuse, secondhand drinking, as you say. That concept is a new one for me to wrap my head around but if you’ll keep writing about it, I’ll continue to learn.
Thanks for your work!!
Thank you, Beth! Yes it would be wonderful if we could have simple, direct conversations — it tends to get way to heated and then both parties go off on side issues, often getting downright mean.
The use of the term secondhand drinking (SHD) is to help reframe the terms codependency or enabler, as examples. It’s also to help us see the far bigger picture, namely that a person’s drinking behaviors affect not only the close and extended family members, friends, co-workers and fellow students, but often through them, it affects others within those individuals’ sphere, as well as society as a whole. This latter point includes NIDA’s $235 billion3 annual cost estimates of the negative consequences of alcohol misuse (in other words, SHD), including productivity and health- and crime-related costs, as well as the staggering breadth of the associated public health and safety implications of alcohol misuse, “such as family disintegration, loss of employment, failure in school, domestic violence, and child abuse,” [NIDA].
This post shares some additional information on SHD, as well as additional links http://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/2013/02/23/secondhand-drinking-prevention/
Thanks so much for your comment!
Thanks for this Lisa, so straight forward and so helpful – as most of us don’t have a clue how to begin a conversation like this. How incredibly nerve wracking to even attempt it! I love it all, but especially the part about – if it’s a teen, don’t wait!! Yes, ma’am, that’s for sure….
It is such a nerves wracking conversation – especially when you don’t really understand what you’re dealing with. To reinforce the “don’t wait if it’s a teen” point, The Partnership at DrugFree.org reports, “90 percent of all adults with a substance use disorder started using under the age of 18 and half under the age of 15.” This link shares more… http://www.drugfree.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Drug-Alcohol-Overview-PDF.pdf Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment, Leslie!
Hi Lisa,
You make some great points here about what to say and what not to say. “Instead, try these possible entry statements to the conversation BUT ONLY when they are sober and you’ve asked to talk with them” can be really helpful and I particularly like your point about talking to your loved one only when they are sober.
Another tactic is to leave the room or remove yourself from the intoxicated person, so that you are not interacting with them at all when they are under the influence, even letting them know that you are choosing not be around them when they are abusing alcohol. Not having dinner waiting is another example of something that a person can do to remind the loved one that they are not willing to support their alcohol abuse. Great post here – thanks!
Thank you, Cathy, and thank you for sharing your other suggestions. Your experience and training as a Parent Recovery Coach and your training in the CRAFT program which you’ve described in your post, http://cathytaughinbaugh.com/craft-can-help-your-family-change-meet-dr-jeff-foote/, are invaluable. Thank you for all of your work in helping raise awareness about how we can better talk to and help a loved one with a substance abuse problem get help.
Have to agree with most of what is said here, but what do you do when they won’t talk, when they talk over the top of you, when they just walk off almost in denial. What do you do / say when they have been through rehab a few times only to fall back into that vicious cycle of alcohol AGAIN. By trying not to support their habit (which I totally don’t support at all) seems to be seen by them that they are not supported at all , even when they are told how much they are loved, and that they really are a good person and that they can be happy and productive without alcohol, they still seem to turn it around and lay the blame game. I know this is all part and parcel of it all this horrible disease , but how does it change, how can they become the good person they really are ?????? Could go on and on but this is the basics
Dang, this is so strong, Lisa. You introduce a common social/familial dilemma and provide a “manual-based” approach to addressing it. And tons of resources, as usual. Am I an alcoholic, or what!? When I was reading the part about alcohol abuser v. alcoholic, and you mentioned the abuser may be able to learn to “re-drink,” my initial reaction was, “You mean I can…” But, of course, I can’t – and I know it. Curious inner-dynamic. Your work always makes me think, Lisa. And I’m glad for that (and it’s just one of the reasons I come back). Thanks, and take care…
Bill
LOL on your reaction, “You mean I can…”. Hopefully understanding this distinction will help those who can make that choice and not keep going to “prove” they’re not an alcoholic. I always appreciate you stopping by and adding your insights, Bill! Take care.
Thank you for this, Lisa. Oh, how I wish I’d read this (and all about the CRAFT approach) about 10 years ago. I would have saved my alcoholic loved ones and me a lot of unpleasant conversations. I’m excited to read your book – one that should be published and available in bookstores and libraries. Publishers, take note of Lisa.
Thanks so much for the shout out, Jody! And boy, I’m with you on wishing this information had been available years ago – when I think back to my side of the hundreds of “conversations” I had with various alcoholic / alcohol abusing loved ones and friends, I cringe!
Hi, Lisa. I just wanted to say thank you for this information and guidance. I have been trying to figure out how to talk to a very close family member about his drinking, and I never really know what to say because he gets so defensive and he never lets me get a word in. Do you think it would be a good idea to write him a letter? I’m definitely going to look more into the links you’ve provided and get more insight about the mental and physical aspects of this condition. I want to be fully informed before I say anything. This information will get my family and I on the right path.
Hi Liz – you’re so welcome. I’m thrilled you find it helpful.
Here are links to two recent posts on my latest Quick Guides – one a Quick Guide to Secondhand Drinking, http://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/2014/10/16/secondhand-drinking-phenomenon-affects-millions/ and the other a Quick Guide to Addiction Recovery – What Helps, What Doesn’t, http://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/2014/11/04/addiction-recovery-what-helps-what-doesnt/
They’re both eBooks and as the name implies, quick reads.
Please feel free to contact me via email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com or phone at 650-326-3026, if you have further questions.
Great post Lisa! This is an excellent guide on how to tactfully confront someone about the perils of alcoholism in a non-confrontational way. Dealing with someone who has an addiction requires a very soft and delicate manner. Often we sabotage our efforts before even getting started on an intervention. Once we successfully treat an addiction then relapse prevention becomes our next hurdle to cross. For a helpful guide to drug relapse prevention plans and other relapse prevention strategies please feel free to navigate the link below for some useful tips.
https://www.paxhouse.org/services/relapse-prevention/
Thanks!
One other determinant on whether or not someone has a drinking problem: do they have blackouts? Those who have blackouts may not fit into those standard boxes, but blackouts are very dangerous. They’re friendship-killers, relationship killers and can also have disastrous physical consequences.
I know some will disagree with me, but those who have alcoholic blackouts and find out what they did only when someone tells them the next day have alcohol problems, and really should stop drinking. Cold turkey.
Hi Orville – new research is explaining that blackouts occur for people who are not alcoholics – heavy binge drinkers, for example, experience them. You’re so right in your descriptions of what they can do to others. Here is an article that shares some of this research http://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/2012/06/18/alcohol-induced-memory-blackouts-explained/. Thanks for your comment!
Hi maam.im arlyn gloria..here i am reading about everything i want to know regarding alcohol abuse/alcoholism anf second hand drinking..while reading this i clearly pick and think that it is likely what i am experiencing right now with my husband condition and i really dont know what to do..for the past 5 years that weve been together its so hard for me to understand why he is not stop drinking liquor..i mean its ok to drink but moderate..but him ohhh.. stop only when he is really drunk and then starting to say words that is not good to hear..anything about his past..previous experience…what will i do..please help me.thank you so much..
Hi Arlyn –
Thank you for reaching out, and I am sorry you are going through this. I can absolutely relate to what you’re experiencing as I’ve been there myself with my loved ones.
It’s best if we have a phone call – there is no charge – as typically one answer leads to more questions. I live in CA so am on PST. Generally these calls take about an hour. Send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com if you’d like to schedule one In the meantime, you may want to order my latest book. The first half explains alcohol use disorders – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place. The second half of the book explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to take back control of their lives. The book comes in both paperback and kindle and here’s the link https://www.amazon.com/10th-Anniversary-Loved-Youd-Stop/dp/0981684483. Let me know if you’d like to schedule a call, Lisa
Hi Lisa,
I’m reading this now as I’m considering to hide my loved ones alcohol. I know I shouldn’t. Where I live, nobody can come out and help… especially if he doesn’t want it. We’ve been through ALOT this past six months. Job lost and so on. This is when he started drinking more and more to the point of dependency. He got a job again and all went okay, until holidays and I was sooo afraid of it. He should have been back to work this week, instead he’s drinking and passing out. There is no sober time. He drinks the WHOLE time, I mean through the night especially. it’s 10am now and he’s past out. He’s depressed and from yesterday and today he is serious about suicide. I’ve been last year to the police, hospital, called around alot of numbers for help, no one can help unless he wants to or he actually tries suicide and fail! Can you believe that!? His brain seems bi-polar, did alot of research, and I know it’s the brain chemicals. His family ain’t the type to understand and will only put him in a further rage when confronted. I’ve hidden his wallet and car keys… I’m quite afraid of what the reaction will be, but I truely just want him to sober up. He thinks normal then. Through alcohol his mind ain’t rational at all and his personality is sooo different. What should I do?
Hi Libby – feel free to call me at my office at 650-362-3026, and I can give you some suggestions. If I don’t answer, I will call you back. Thanks for reaching out! Lisa
Hi Libby – Thank you for reaching out – please give me a call at my office, 650-362-3026, to talk about what you can do. If I don’t answer, I will return your call. Lisa
Thank you, and thanks for truely wanting to give support. You’re pages are very informative. I did hide the wallet at first and like his brain is altered, he did go off in a rage, blaming me and the whole nasty works you get along with it, until I gave up and gave it back, crying. Like second hand drinking syndrome I wanted to control and just help… “but an alcoholic always wins”. BUT… after I gave up the wallet, he sat a while, and I can see the battle inside him whether he should go or not… He didn’t, yes got even angrier later and the name calling, but I still know it ain’t him, it’s literally the alcohol altering the brain. He stopped drinking at lunch time and at night got terrible withdrawal effects. We’ve been through it once, I try to encourage him he’s strong and he gotten this far. I took him today to the hospital, and they booked him in for detox. He’s quite stressed, but he doesn’t fight it. I’m sooo glad and proud of him. through all the sickness, he tries and realizes the situation. I was totally scared yesterday, but today I’m at peace he gets the right help… *Never give up!* (Just a quick note, my husband is a wonderful loving caring man. This is just an illness and we will get through this. All the negativities comes from the alcohol, not him. love him to bits)
This is wonderful news, Libby – thank you for letting me know. And you’re so right – persons with substance use disorders are generally wonderful, caring people – they are as confounded and frustrated with their not being able to “control” how much they use as are their loved ones. You/your husband may find my eBook, “Crossing The Line From Alcohol Use to Abuse to Dependence,” https://www.amazon.com/Crossing-Line-Alcohol-Abuse-Dependence-ebook/dp/B007PUB2UU helpful for identifying next steps. Another one is, “Addiction Recovery: What Helps, What Doesn’t.” https://www.amazon.com/Quick-Guide-Addiction-Recovery-Doesnt-ebook/dp/B00OYV3B7U/ref=pd_sim_351_3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=4RGM88Q4Z5JDV9GVB9YY
I wish you both all the best!! Lisa
Thank you for the suggestions.
Yes now it’s the long run we should prepare for.
Thanks once again
Liz
I keep finding vodka bottles in the house, I know my other swigs outt the bottle and then tries to hide it. Bizarre thing is he thinks I cannot tell his been drinking as he gets more argumentative and tries to mask the vodka smell which I can detect so easily. I get excuses, it’s the weekend, I needed it to sleep, haven’t gotta get up late. im fully aware he drinks n drives, he said it’s only a couple and assumes I’m stupid that I believe him. But I don’t. I think my boyfriend is a secret alcoholic but when confronting him he just gets angry and spins excuses making me feel like I’m the one with the problem.
Very good advice
However in my case my wife is not approachable in any and I have no idea what to do.. I’ve even spoken to my step daughter and she thinks it’s all funny..
In the past weeks my wife has drank so much that she actually had a blackout..
I’m thinking of speaking with our doctor to bring him up to date on what’s going on..
My wife at times has even mentioned suicide
I am so sorry to hear what you and your wife are going through – please feel free to give me a call at 650-362-3026, or send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and I can perhaps answer your questions or expand on explanations given in this post. ~Lisa
You’ve got some great tips for talking to someone with a drinking problem. I agree that saying things that blame or shame the person would not help. I’ve got a brother with a pretty serious alcohol problem, so I’ll show his wife this. Maybe he’ll get professional help.
I’m glad you found this article helpful, Ridley.
Lisa, I quit drinking 3 years ago and used to drink 18 beers per day for years. I quit because i wanted to no rehab, no aa cold turkey. there is a catch tho! i say “because i wanted to” like its nothing but… I WANTED TO!! There is a huge difference! nothing my wife wouldve said would help nothing anyone would say couldve helped. I have a close friend thats going thru the same thing but he tries to quit because of his kid and wife, I’ve told him hes wasting his time, the love isnt as strong as the love for alcohol in my case and alot of peoples case its the fear of not having that security blanket.
Excellent point, Brent. There is no one, nor right way to do this, that’s for sure. Thanks for sharing your experience and CONGRATULATIONS on quitting!
Hi Lisa,
I came across your work through a google search and I’ve just ordered a kindle version of “if you loved me you’d stop” My brother is drinking heavily every day,he’s been doing it for years.He’s unemployed at the moment, we live together with my disabled mum. I’m so afraid for him, his mental state and his health. I’m scared to talk to him in case I say the wrong thing. I lost my sister to suicide in 2006, I cannot bear to lose him as well. What can i do ? Thanks
Hi Josephine,
You can email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can set up a phone call to talk about this — there is no charge.
Lisa
There comes a time when dishonesty, disrespect, carelessness, and complete disregard for human safety, reaches a point where nothing but being direct has any chance at all of stopping a person from killing themselves or someone else. I have a friend that is about as intellegent as any person I have ever met, yet can’t keep away from the bottle. He has been to a treatment center with no success. He stays with his sister at times, lies about his drinking and swears he doesn’t touch the stuff. Bottles in his room, bars he is seen leaving, drunk driving etc., screams otherwise. He is at least 80 pounds overweight, has a heart problem and his Doctor has said he will die soon. This guy has many family members and friends, including me, that try constantly in very kind ways to get him to change and have done so for years. He arrives to teaching venues half lit, sometimes with children in the audience, comes to dinner invitations almost drunk and tells everyone he has this problem beat. This man, by the way, is as kind of a man as you will ever meet, that is if you can overlook the damage he is doing to those who love him.
If someone has headphones on, they are in the path of a truck and can’t hear you screaming at them to get out of the way, you knock them out of the way. Friendship or not, you have to attempt to save their life. What if you simply can’t because they will not allow you to? I have been a very close friend to this man for 30 years. I love this man more than I loved my own brother. Today I had to send him an email saying goodbye, because he is flying toward his death through drinking and I do not posses the capacity to watch it happen. It hurt me so much to do it, but watching slow suicide from a loved one hurts worse.
Hi David,
I’m so very, very sorry to hear all of what you’ve been going through. If you ever would like to talk (no charge), send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can set up a time to talk.
Take care, Lisa
I do feel like this article does a good job of explaining the approach to dealing with alcohol abuse and alcoholism… but one thing I have a little problem with is the AUDIT test’s wording. Question 3 specifically, I did not see the definition of “occasion” in the study. Drinking 6 drinks over the course of a 2 hour event is very different from drinking 6 drinks spread over 8 hours. I have the same objection to other short medical surveys used in mental health, like the standard assessment that nearly all doctor’s offices use, where they ask each question and have 4 options “Never”, “Several Days”, “More than Half”, “Most days”. They don’t have anything between “Never” and “Several”, which leaves room for confusion in answer questions like, “Have you had trouble sleeping?” How do you answer that question if you had 1 or 2 days with poor sleep? In a 2 week period, how would 1 or 2 qualify as never or as several? I suppose my problem is with statistics in general though, not really that specific survey. I understand the statistical significance of the way people answer these questions merely shows a probability, but I feel like the responses are heavily influenced by the understanding of the questions and answers.
To be clear, none of my objections to the methodology of diagnosing alcohol abuse and/or alcoholism have any bearing on the way to deal with the problem we face as partners and family members. I do think we need to exercise caution in rigidly interpreting a 10 question assessment so that we do not overreact to the situation. Expressing an appropriate level of concern is the right approach, but pressing someone, who is actually in control of their drinking, to cut back will do nothing more than irritate both you and the person with the perceived problem. I think it is especially likely for a non-drinker to misinterpret the signs of normal social drinking as a problem and cause themself unnecessary anxiety. In conclusion, I’m just saying that we need to evaluate the entire person, not just their answers to 10 questions.
Hi Zach – you raise a good point. It’s also important to note that the AUDT is intended to be given my a clinician, so it should be used simply as a benchmark by a layperson. Thanks for sharing your thoughts ~Lisa
hi Lisa
I have a dilemma, My 47 year old daughter abuses alsohol, We try not to go out with her as it bothers me when she drinks too much, If she comes to our house I cut her off before she finishes the bottle, She drives drunk,,with her 12 year old. I hate it when she is drunk. I seldom drink,
My mom was an alcoholic, I had some horrific times growing up.
We have a family event for my son tomorrow, She is coming, How can I cut her off after 2 drinks,? I’m paying for the meal and drinks, I don’t want to spoil it but it will be spoiled for me if she keeps drinking both financilly and emotionally, which is why we don’t go out with her anymore
Hi Maury – I’m so sorry I hadn’t seen your question until now (3/6). I’m happy to talk with you by phone about this (no charge for these kinds of phone calls) – although I know we’ve missed your dinner event but there will likely be other times like this. Send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can arrange a time. You may also want to order my latest book, “10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!” as it has many suggestions, as well as information on alcohol use disorders and what it take to treat them and on the family member’s experience and what they can do to help themselves and their loved one. Here’s the link to the Amazon version – it’s available on other online book retailers if you prefer one of those. https://www.amazon.com/10th-Anniversary-Loved-Youd-Stop/dp/0981684483 ~Lisa
You can’t fix the problem or change the behavior of person with this problem, just like that. But you can present your concerns in such a way that they might see things more clearly and get the help they need. I can recommend a great book by Ellen Peterson, which is very helpful, “How to Help an Alcoholic You Love.”
Thank you Hoyt for recommending a guide by Ellen Petersen. I was completely devastated by the situation with my husband, but after reading this book I knew what to do and so far we have been successful. Keep your fingers crossed that it stays that way. Thank you again for recommending the guide
very helpful guide, thank you!
Alcoholism recovery is an ongoing process. Since alcoholism is a disease, there is no cure. However, it can be managed and overcome by treating the disease on a daily basis. After you have completed an alcohol rehab program, your recovery will require ongoing support. It is not uncommon for bouts of depression to linger long after a person stops drinking. Fortunately, there are healthy activities you can participate in to help treat your addicted loved one. Pay close attention to your actions, to your daily habits, to the routines, notice even small changes, take note of what and why things happen, be proactive, choose wisely the people you surround yourself with, mind the language you use, take good care of your mental and physical well-being. These things might sound very general but when you look closely they matter each step of the journeyin those crazy times. If you want more information, check this book – net-bossorg/how-to-help-an-alcoholic-you-love
Thanks for sharing your comment and book recommendation, Danny.
I have a spouse that is a verbal abusive alcoholic. Since he drinks vodka everyday, and verbally abuses everyone that is around him, it’s hard to separate alcoholism and alcoholic abuse.
Our family and friends have all tried to help him. Yelling, screaming, hiding bottles, charging him, putting him jail, counselling, talking nice, being supportive, Family services, hospitalization, tough love and caring love. Nothing worked for him, he still drinks. He is in his late 50’s, physically he looks 80, skin and bones, loss of muscle mass, teeth falling out, very jaundice in the eyes and skin. Loses the feeling in his feet at the end of day, constant seizures from too much alcohol and now he is a diabetic who does not take his insulin.
Our family and friends have learned not to include him in celebrations and holidays.
After years of everyone trying to help him, we don’t anymore. Personally, my emotions were all over the place from being insecure, lonely, sad, empty and all so angry. Now, I choose to surround myself with love, respect and joy from family, friends and myself. It has taken years to come to this point for myself and our families.
At the end of the day, the ambulance will come for him but who comes for us.
Hi Marie,
Thanks for your comment. If you’d like to talk about any of this, please know I offer free phone or Zoom calls, as typically one answer leads to more questions. Just send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can arrange a time.
You or other family members may want to order my latest book, “10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much.” The first half explains alcohol use disorders – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…). The second half of the book explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives. The book comes in both paperback and Kindle (or other eReader formats). Here’s the link, https://www.amazon.com/10th-Anniversary-Loved-Youd-Stop-ebook-dp-B087D5ZKJV/dp/B087D5ZKJV/ref=mt_other?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=
Regardless of whether you order or read the book, please feel free to send me an email to arrange a call if you’d like to talk by phone or Zoom.
Take care,
Lisa
We’ve been together for 30+ years. I noticed over a period of time that she sometimes exhibited signs of mild intoxication. Her drinking problem came to the surface when I decided to surprise her and help clean a room that was in absolute disarray. A room that she likes to call her own. I found around 30 hidden, empty wine bottles, large and small. I was angry and I confronted her. At that time there were vows and promises that she was through with drinking. That was 4 -5 years ago. I thought it was over. She doesn’t miss work and is better at her job than her co-workers. A while back she started exhibiting signs of drinking again. She’s on medication so I thought maybe she was abusing that. I was furious. Trying to gain some control, I took the meds. Didn’t seem to bother her at all. I was a bit dumbfounded by that. You’d think the meds would have been a bit more important. A few days later she came to me crying and said she was still drinking. Hard alcohol this time. She told me that she wanted to stop and get healthy again. She was feeling sick, having stomach pains and was worried that she’d over done it and might have caused lasting damage to her body. As she had confessed of her own free will I thought, maybe it’s a breakthrough. Because she admitted it was alcohol, I gave her back the meds. I felt she was being sincere, honest. I was not angry but rather disappointed and even hopeful. Since that time it’s been obvious that she is still drinking. Sneaking and hiding to do it. I don’t believe it’s the meds anymore. I’ve smelled the liquor on her. Stupid me. She’s done it several times that I am aware of since then and again tonight. I was angry, furious even. I did the confrontation, the yelling, guilting, blame game. I’ve threatened leaving. I’ve threatened outing her to family and friends. It was no different than the other times. Nothing is getting through. She just keeps denying the obvious and for the first time, making it my fault. From what I read in your article I’ve probably taken the wrong approach. Let my emotions get the best or worst of me. I think that my anger is now turning into a defeated, sadness. I cannot continue to do this. As I mentioned earlier we’ve been together for better than 30 years. Through good and bad, thick and thin. I don’t think I can continue. I feel alone and lost. I’m embarrassed just writing this. How I feel when I think about hitting the send button I can’t even describe. I’m a grown man and I feel like crying. Does she really care so little?
I am so very sorry to hear what you’re going through, Doug. Severe alcohol use disorder (aka alcoholism) is terribly difficult to understand, let alone help someone with, and the person in the throws of it truly wants to stop but can’t seem to figure out how. I am happy to schedule a phone call to talk this over with you. Please send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can arrange a time to talk.
In the meantime, you may want to get my latest book linked below. The first half explains alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…). The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, as well as what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives. The book comes in both paperback and Kindle (or other eReader formats). With the eReader or Kindle formats, you’re able to get it immediately, which may be helpful for right now, and those formats allow you to read it without anyone knowing, which may also be helpful.
https://www.amazon.com/10th-Anniversary-Loved-Youd-Stop/dp/0981684483
Again – send me an email if you’d like to schedule a phone call – there is no charge.