How to Leave an Addict or Abuser | Guest Author Darlene Lancer

By Guest Author |

How to leave an addict or abuser? Todays’ guest author, Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, explains why it’s hard to do and offers 10 suggestions for how to leave.

Darlene is the author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, and her latest eBook is titled, Dealing with a Narcissist, 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com.

How to Leave an Addict or Abuser by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

Darlene Lancer, author of “Codependency for Dummies,” shares information on how to leave an addict or abuser.

Once in love, it’s not easy for codependents to leave, despite unhappiness. You may be ambivalent because you still love your partner, have young children, lack resources, and/or enjoy lifestyle benefits. Outsiders often question why you stay, or urge you to, “Just leave.” Those words can feel humiliating, because you also think you should. You may want to leave, but feel stuck, and don’t understand why. This is because there are deeper reasons that keep you bonded unlike in other relationships.

Why it’s Hard to Leave

You’re hopeful the addict will recover and keep trying to help them. Meanwhile, your self-esteem and independence are undermined daily, as you get drawn into their illness. You may be gaslighted and begin doubting your own perceptions due to blame and lies. When you object, you may be attacked, intimidated, or confused by manipulation. Over time, you might attempt to avoid conflict and become more deferential. As denial and cognitive dissonance grow, you do and allow things you wouldn’t have imagined when you first met. Your shame increases as your self-esteem declines. You wonder what happened to the happy, self-respecting, confident person you once were.

Research confirms that it’s common for victims to attach to their abuser, particularly when there’s intermittent positive reinforcement. You may be trauma-bonded, meaning that after being subjected to prolonged belittling and control, you’ve become childlike and addicted to any sign of approval from your abuser. This is referred to as Stockholm Syndrome, named for hostages who developed positive feelings for their captors.

You’re especially susceptible to this if the relationship dynamics are repeating a pattern you experienced with a distant, abusive, absent, or withholding parent. The trauma bond with your partner outweighs the negative aspects of the relationship. Studies show that victims of physical abuse on average don’t leave until after the seventh incident of violence. They not only fear retaliation, but also the loss of the emotional connection with their partner, which can feel worse than the abuse.

Additionally, codependents, who are usually preyed upon by narcissists and abusers, often feel trapped and find it hard to leave any relationship. They can be loyal to a fault due to their codependency.

After You Leave

Addicts and abusers are basically codependent. (See “Narcissists are Codependent, too.”) If you distance yourself from them, they do what it takes to pull you back in, because they don’t want to be abandoned. They might attempt to stop you with kindness and charm, blame and guilt-trips, threats and punishment, or neediness, promises, or please do whatever it takes.