What Can You Do if Your Loved One Drinks and Drives
What can you do if your loved one drinks and drives? This is one of the questions I often receive from readers and attendees at my presentations and is being answered by today’s guest author, Robert Hamparyan.
Quoting from Robert’s bio, Robert Hamparyan is one of California’s most accomplished personal injury lawyers. After receiving his undergraduate degree, Robert attended the Western State University School of Law where he received his Juris Doctor Degree. Hamparyan Personal Injury Lawyers San Diego was founded so that Robert could bring more of his skill and knowledge to personal injury victims in all types of cases.
What can you do if your loved one drinks and drives? by Robert Hamparyan
The concept of drinking while driving is triggering for so many people, and the results are so tragic. California car accidents alone account for over 11 thousand DUI-related fatalities every year.
And from the outside, the answer seems so simple. Just don’t do it.
But even though you live by that rule yourself, we can’t control other people. So what can you do if your loved one drinks and drives?
Here are some tips for getting through this difficult time.
Avoid taking responsibility
You are not responsible for your loved one’s actions. It doesn’t matter if this loved one is your spouse, child, or someone else. Every adult is accountable for his or her actions.
Do not accept blame or guilt surrounding this event.
You can help this person in many ways, but do not take this on as your responsibility.
Avoid judging your feelings
When you find out that a loved one has gotten a DUI, your first reaction is probably going to be anger. Understand that it’s a natural reaction to the event and you’re allowed to feel this way.
But anger should always be temporary. Find ways to work through your anger so you can get to a more productive place.
One way to help release anger is to understand that alcoholism is a disease. The brain becomes addicted, and it’s like it becomes reprogrammed to seek alcohol at all costs.
And we all know that once you’re drunk, your ability to make sound decisions is severely impaired.
This person is not blameless, but understanding the addiction element can help you find the forgiveness you need to move forward without anger.
Show your support
At this time, you’re going to have many thoughts and emotions. But for a moment, think about what your loved one is going through. This person is facing the consequences for their actions. And it’s not going to be helpful if you pile your disapproval on top of the consequences and the person’s inevitable shame.
Instead of harping on the wrongdoing, focus on getting through the experience. For example, you might offer to start making lists of what needs to be done, or if you’re so inclined, you might agree to help if your loved one asks for it. As an example, your loved one may need to install a court-mandated breathalyzer in the car he drives to and from work and you might offer to research the options. Or you may help this person keep track of court dates and other DUI-related appointments.
The first step is to help your loved one get through the immediate ramifications of getting a DUI. And if there was any physical damage to this person or another, this takes priority.
Getting help for alcoholism
Not everyone who gets a DUI could be considered an alcoholic, but it’s a major red flag.
When someone gets a DUI, it’s actually a good time to start talking about treatment for alcoholism. At this time, it’s more difficult to deny that they have a problem.
For many people suffering from alcoholism, getting a DUI is a form of rock bottom. This is especially true if there are injuries involved. And this may be the ideal time to suggest that your loved one gets help for their addiction beyond any court-appointed therapies.
Unfortunately, when you have a loved one who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, they must make the decision for themselves. No matter whether this is their first or fourth DUI, they must want help in order for it to be successful.
When someone you love gets a DUI and/or has a drunk-driving-related accident, the experience impacts everyone. Take time to process the event and do what you can to help overcome this major obstacle.
Guest Author
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Hi Lisa,
Will you make a comment on smoking pot and driving?
This person has not gotten into trouble, a few very close calls (a could have easily been a fatality accident that scared me to death) that he got away with, but no real consequences… is very high functioning. He is not honest about it and it seems to me like it is a game he plays with himself to prove he get away with it… I just found out that he has recently had a conversation w our 2 adult children, and according to him they think nothing of it. All these years I have kept his secret, of course resenting it! I haven’t had chance to talk w them about it yet.
He drinks too, sometimes a lot but the pot seems to be his primary go to.. which of course is so much “healthier” and completely ok to him.
I am trying to let it go while setting boundaries for myself (like not get into the car w him). I am in recovery (14 years) and we are in a 30+ year marriage (we were party partners). We just went back to counseling for a short term check up.. and I’ve just set up some EAP support for myself.
I love your blog and need to order your book!
Hi Suzie – thank you for your question. According to Driving Laws published by NOLO, “Driving under the influence of marijuana is a crime in every state. And even if your marijuana use was lawful—because recreational marijuana use is legal in your state or you have a medical prescription—it doesn’t mean you can’t be convicted of a marijuana-related DUI.” (Source: https://dui.drivinglaws.org/resources/can-i-get-a-dui-for-driving-high-on-marijuana.html)
I am happy to talk with you by phone (there is no charge) to discuss possible next steps for yourself. Send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com if you’d like to arrange a date/time for this kind of call. And kudos to you for getting some EAP support for yourself!
Lisa
I have a friend who drove drunk. She went to rehab and is going to counseling. We used to be best friends, but now I really can’t get past the anger I feel over her driving drunk. Driving has been a thing for me for years. My cousin died in a car accident at 16, due to lack of experience. Nobody was drunk. But since we had been the same age it really hit home., to the extent that I don’t drive. I take driving safety very seriously, and the fact that my friend drove drunk is really something I’m struggling to forgive. She had an accident and was the only one hurt. She tells me she didn’t have her kids in the car I guess as a way to justify her actions. But what if she hit my husband’s car? My parents? Or if my kids were in the car she hit? If she killed someone? I will never allow anyone in my family to get in a car with her ever again. She broke some serious trust. How, or can I ever forgive her?
I am so very sorry Laura. If you’d like to talk about your questions, please send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com to arrange a time for a call (there is no charge). Lisa
Hi Lisa, My husband has been abusing alcohol for many years now. He has a pending dui from a car crash in May 2021 in which he totaled his vehicle into another car. The other car left the scene however. (Lucky him). His blood level recorded was .15. The courts are so backed up he still has yet to face the consequences. He is still driving completely intoxicated at least 4-5 times a week. He rides his motorcycle this way as well.
I have tried al-anon, no real help. I’ve spoke with his family who only enable him with money & another luxury vehicle at no cost. Again, no consequences. He refuses to seek any form of treatment.
I am at my wits end. His attorney is trying to get him 6 months probation at this point & then have it removed. I’m ready to leave at this point. As long as he keeps getting away with this behavior, he will never seek help. Is there anything to be done at this point?
Hi Becky – it’s difficult to answer this, here, so if you’d like to schedule a phone call with me (no charge) to talk about this, please send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com. ~Lisa
My husband has abused alcohol in major ways on a handful of occasions over the the last 6 years, enough to scare and trigger me to want to leave, or be afraid of his actions. He had a DUI in his 20’s but nothing since, and doesn’t realize when he is too impaired to drive. It’s not that often so it’s hard to figure out what constitutes a ‘problem’. Please Help.
Hi Lisa…please send me an email to lisaf@BreakingThecycles.com and we can schedule a phone call.