Shame. Shame like that which surrounds all concerned when substance use or mental health disorders are part of a family’s dynamic. “It lurks in the unconscious, undermines self-esteem, and creates anxiety and havoc in our lives. The magnitude of feeling different, inadequate, or inferior can be unbearable. It’s the feeling of being a bad, unworthy person,” writes frequent guest author, Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT.

Darlene is the author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, and her latest eBook is titled, Dealing with a Narcissist, 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com.

My Shame Experience by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

Darlene Lancer, author of “Codependency for Dummies,” shares her experience with shame.

Shame can feel like wearing dirty underwear – which everyone can see. Probably no one saw the tear in my panties. Still, I imagined everyone was mocking me even though no one mentioned the incident. I wanted to hide. How could I face those boys in class day after day? “Saving face” or “losing face” means to protect ones honor or to suffer disgrace. It’s shame that torments us for hours or years following humiliation, rejection, or feeling defective.

Shame is distinguishable from guilt, which is about something we did that violates our ethical or moral standards. When we feel guilty, we can make amends, but shame makes us feel irredeemable, because it’s about who we are.

Shame is generally associated with exposure before others, but an audience isn’t necessarily required. More often, shame is caused by how we think about ourselves. It’s silent and secret. No one need be present to evoke our private angst and self-judgment. We imagine others see what we do when we measure our experienced self against the self we want others to see.

This even holds true for the things others don’t know about our private thoughts or dreams we consider selfish, stupid, or insane. We can literally interpret any aspect of ourselves – our appearance, income, status, feelings, or behavior as a reflection of our inadequacy. We might feel disgust about our body which keeps us from going swimming with friends. If we feel stupid for running out of gas, we won’t tell our boss why we’re late. We might feel undeserving and not take a vacation or ask for a raise. When we feel like a failure for not solving a problem or achieving a goal, we might give up on ourselves. Or we feel pathetic for being “too sensitive,” grieving “too long,” or undesirable when lonely, so we stifle our emotions rather than talk about them. Despite obvious beauty, we might feel unattractive, and no one can convince us otherwise.

This is internalized shame. It lurks in the unconscious, undermines self-esteem, and creates anxiety and havoc in our lives. The magnitude of feeling different, inadequate, or inferior can be unbearable. It’s the feeling of being a bad, unworthy person. Toxic shame sabotages our relationships, our success, and ability to enjoy life. It can be chronic and take over our identity and ability to enjoy life, chipping away at trust in ourselves and the world.

Internalized shame is an open wound from childhood that seeps into our psyche and spreads like a virus to everything we think and do. It creates false beliefs about ourselves others can’t refute and silently eats away at our spontaneity and confidence. This differs from ordinary shame in the following ways:

1. Our own thoughts can bring on shame without the need an external event or exposure to another person.
2. The negative feelings last much longer.
3. The feelings and pain associated with shame are of greater intensity.
4. It leads to worsening shame spirals that cause depression and feelings of hopelessness and despair.
5. We have a negative “shame story” about ourselves originating in childhood.
6. The shaming events and beliefs from childhood needn’t be (and usually aren’t) recalled.
7. It creates “shame anxiety” about re-experiencing judgment, rejection, and shame.
8. It can overtake our personality and be ever-present.
9. Alternatively, it may remain unconscious, but make us defensive and sensitive to criticism, or anything we perceive as shaming, such as, talking too long or too little, making mistakes, showing emotion, receiving too much or too little attention, trying new things, or looking foolish.
10. It creates deep feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, or somehow being unlovable.
11. It causes low self-esteem and
12. It can lead to other problems, such as aggression, PTSD, perfectionism, anti-social behavior, depression, eating disorders, and addiction.

Fortunately, we can heal toxic shame. That doesn’t mean we never feel it. Instead, shame takes its rightful place among our many emotions and no longer controls or overwhelms us. We can remain present and don’t lose our connectedness to others. If we still feel ashamed, we can talk about what happened. Sharing shame diminishes it. We realize our imperfections make us human as we learn to accept ourselves with compassion.

To learn more about shame and follow a recovery plan, read Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.  You can also watch my Youtube on toxic shame.

To read Darlene’s full article appearing on her website, please click here.

©Darlene Lancer 2019

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