Someone’s Drinking Ruined the Holidays?
Someone’s drinking ruined the holidays? Perhaps you’re anticipating it will. “They’ve ruined just about every birthday, wedding, anniversary, Thanksgiving, graduation…need I go on? And yet they promise – PROMISE – this time it will be different. This time they’ll keep it to one or two or only drink beer or wine – ‘no hard stuff.'”
You’ve heard this before, and at some place in your heart, you want to believe this time they really will.
So what are some things you should know and can do to at least protect yourself from their drinking behaviors if they don’t keep their promise?
Answer: Understand the following six concepts.
The ONLY thing that can sober a person up is time
…not a cold shower or a cup of coffee or a walk around the block – just time. Why?
The ethyl alcohol chemicals in alcoholic beverages leave the body through the liver. As a general rule of thumb, it takes special enzymes in the liver about one hour to metabolize – to get rid of – the ethyl alcohol chemicals in one standard drink.
When a person drinks more than their liver can metabolize, the excess ethyl alcohol chemicals change brain functioning. They actually interrupt the brain’s cell-to-cell communications (among other things), which in turn changes the way a person thinks, how they feel, what they say, and what they do. This interruption causes drinking behaviors (described below).
Frustratingly, however, this general rule of thumb — one standard drink per hour — can vary widely. And that’s because there are other variables that influence how much is too much for one person as compared to another. These variables include a person’s gender, weight, taking other medications at the same time, genetics, having a mental illness, or having experienced trauma, as examples.
Click on image to watch short video.
For more on this concept of time as the only thing that can sober a person up, click on the image to the right to watch a short video.
Now, about that standard drink
…meaning the amount of ethyl alcohol chemicals is the same in one drink as in another. In other words, 12 ounces of regular beer, 5 ounces of table wine, and 1.5 ounces of spirits (vodka, scotch, tequila) are all considered one standard drink because they all contain the same amount of ethyl alcohol by volume (see image below). A 12 ounce IPA or craft beer, on the other hand, generally is not a “standard drink.” 
Check out my post, Alcohol by Volume & “Proof” Explained. NIAAA’s Rethinking Drinking website also provides more information on standard drink sizes and related topics.
[Tip: to know how much your loved one is drinking when they have “a” drink, pour the amount they typically drink into the glass they typically use. Now pour that content into a measuring cup. You may learn that their typical “glass” of wine is really 10 ounces, which is two standard drinks.]
And why does knowing the above information matter?
Until the ethyl alcohol Is metabolized by their liver
…a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can change. These changes are not necessarily the “real” person coming out (unless that’s how they behave when sober) because of where in the brain the changes are occurring. Given it takes about one hour for the liver to metabolize the ethyl alcohol chemicals in one standard drink, a person drinking six beers or 2 ‘stiff’ scotches in a relatively short period of time is going to be impaired — act differently — for roughly six hours. Six drinks worth of ethyl alcohol chemicals are interrupting how their brain cells talk to one another, therefore what they think, feel, say and do.
So the more important question is not, “How much is too much?” Rather it’s, “Do their behaviors change when they drink?”
And why do I focus on this idea of drinking behaviors? Because it’s the behaviors they exhibit while under the influence of alcohol (ethyl alcohol chemicals) that are the issue – not the numbers of drinks, not whether they’re an alcoholic or “just” an alcohol abuser, not if they’re mostly a good parent and don’t miss work, not because they’re so very sorry for what they did.
Drinking behaviors are the real problem
Drinking behaviors occur when a person drinks more alcohol (ethyl alcohol) than their liver can process and include things like:
- Fighting with friends or family about the drinking; saying or doing things you don’t remember or regret
- Insisting on silly, stupid, arguments that were not worth starting in the first place
- Verbally, physically or emotionally abusing someone – often a spouse, significant other or child
- Experiencing blackouts
- Driving while under the influence; getting a DUI; riding in a car driven by someone who has been drinking
- Having unplanned, unwanted or unprotected sex; date rape
- Being admitted to the emergency room with a high BAC, in addition to the “other” reason (fell down the stairs and broke their arm, for example).
These kinds of behaviors occur with a variety of drinking patterns, including binge drinking (drinking 3 or more standard drinks on an occasion for women and 4 or more for men), heavy social drinking (daily drinking 2 or more standard drinks for women and 3 or more for men), alcohol abuse (routine binge drinking or heavy social drinking), and alcoholism (now understood to be a chronic, often relapsing brain disease).
And, if a person’s answer is “Yes” to the question, “Do their behaviors change when they drink?,” your next question is likely…
What to say to someone who drinks too much
Where to begin!
If you’re reading this post, you’ve likely been hurt, frustrated, concerned, angered, and/or scared by a someone’s drinking. You’ve likely tried talking, yelling, cajoling, negotiating, looking the other way, believing their promise(s) to stop or cut down, but so far, nothing’s worked.
I receive numerous emails and phone calls every week from people in this situation, and I know what they’re feeling. I’ve been there myself, which is why I wrote and encourage you to read this post, What to Say to Someone With a Drinking Problem?
The most important thing for you to know, however, is that…
You don’t have to continue tolerating a person’s drinking behaviors so they can continue to drink
Why?
Answer: It’s not good for YOUR health.
Coping with a loved one’s drinking behaviors causes ongoing activation of your fight-or-flight stress response. When stress is ongoing, it becomes toxic. And, toxic stress changes a person’s physical and emotional health and the very quality of their life.
The impacts of toxic stress include: sleep difficulties, migraines, headaches, stomach ailments, changes in eating habits, dizziness, distracted “thinking,” depression, anxiety, memory impairment, heart disease, and digestive problems. Check out this post, Secondhand Drinking – Why We Must Prevent It, for a deeper understanding.
Bottom line
For more on all the concepts I’ve raised in this post, I invite you to read my latest book, 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when a loved one drinks too much. This is an updated version of my earlier book of the same title.
I wrote this 10th Anniversary edition to answer so many of my caller and readers’ questions:
- How does a person develop a drinking problem?
- How does a person change a drinking problem?
- Is there a way to assess whether someone’s drinking is a problem or not?
- What’s the difference between excessive drinking, alcohol abuse, and alcoholism?
- What happens to family members and friends coping with a loved one’s drinking behaviors?
- What can family members and friends do to change their situation?
And please know – you can always send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com to arrange a phone call. There is no charge for these kinds of calls.
©2019 Lisa Frederiksen
Lisa Frederiksen
Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)
- Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
- Resources for Parents of Children with Substance Use and Mental Disorders - October 18, 2022
- 4 Things to Support Brain Health and Function for Recovery - August 30, 2022
I’ve been married to an alcoholic for 30 years now. I’ve heard all the promises, excuses, lived through disastrous drunken holidays but my experience is they don’t change. I’ve changed a lot! You’re exactly right when you said “his alcoholic has behavior caused deterioration in my health from the constant fight or flight response I had as a defense mechanism. The toxicity almost killed me. I’m still not certain it won’t. I pray that other younger women might learn from a long detailed years of experience and make the choice to choose themselves.
Thank you for sharing your insights and experiences, Tammy.