Secondhand drinking refers to the negative impacts of a person’s drinking behaviors on others. Those negative impacts can include anything from sleepless nights spent worrying about whether a loved one is in a car wreck to lost wages because of having to stay home to help an alcoholic sober up enough to function. It can include toxic stress consequences, such as migraines, stomach ailments, sleep problems, anxiety, skin conditions, heart disease, and depression.

These negative impacts can also extend to those maimed or killed by drunk drivers, as well as to anyone affected by alcohol-involved sexual assault, domestic violence, suicide, or homicide. They can even extend to those who are worried about and trying to help someone experiencing secondhand drinking, such as the mother of a daughter who is married to an alcoholic.

So, What’s It Like to Experience Secondhand Drinking?

Loving someone who drinks too can have serious consequences.

Below you’ll read a few examples shared with me by my readers and consulting clients. Some may sound very familiar to you.

• “I want him to leave because his staying is killing me! But if I tell him to leave, is he going to fall apart? He always apologizes profusely (when he’s sober), he cries, says he needs me…I feel like my body is split. I need to stay strong to take care of my kids, but I feel like he’s grinding me to the ground.”
  
• “It is worse on the weekends. During the week, he is very functioning, and it doesn’t bother me. He works, helps with our son, pays the bills, seems fairly normal…But without fail, every single weekend there is an episode. I hate weekends. Hate them. We no longer do ANYTHING on the weekends – we can’t! He’s so belligerent and obnoxious and can barely stand up if he hasn’t passed out. I just can’t put my family and friends through spending time with him. Besides, they’ve basically quit inviting us. I don’t blame them.”
• “He drinks and drives all the time. He’s going to get in a wreck and likely kill or seriously injure someone, which is horrible enough. But I’m also scared to death of what this would do to me and my children financially. We’d lose everything.”
• “I’m having an impossible time trying to ‘do it all’ – work full time, drop off and pick up the kids, never leave them alone with her – but if I don’t stay with my kids 24/7 when they’re not in school, I’m afraid she might get drunk and think she’s safe to drive or start her crazy talk, which they don’t understand and then she gets mad at them for that. What do I do?”
• “My wife has a drinking problem (and an eating disorder btw). She drinks 4-5 bottles of wine a week at home but also drinks during the day at work (we own a business). At least 3-4 nights a week she passes out on the couch. Unfortunately, she will drive with our daughters (8 and 10 yrs. old) when she’s been drinking. I have had to stop traveling for work because I can’t trust her alone with the ? If there were to be an emergency, she wouldn’t be able to take care of it. We are headed for divorce, but I am terrified for my girls. In this state, it is very hard to take custody away from the mother and even harder to prove her drinking problem because she’s never had a DUI or any legal issues. I am worrying myself to death over this…. I just want my girls to be safe.”
• “I have been with my husband for many years. Sixteen years ago, I separated from him and told the courts about his drinking and the abuse that came along with it. The mediator said no one could wake up drinking and go to bed drinking – but they didn’t know him. Needless to say, they gave him visitation with my young son. I was scared to death. Soon after, he received three DUI’s and lost his license. A few years after that he received a felony. By that time, we were back together. The judicial system failed me and I was in fear of something happening to my child. My family thinks I’m crazy to be with this man but I know that I’ve done the right thing for ?MY family. I’ve done what the legal system refused to do – protect my child!”

I want to share the explosion in research that has been discovered, refined, or expanded since I published the first edition of this book in 2009. To put this explosion into perspective, think about the first smartphone introduced in 2007. If you had one, you know how basic it was compared to the smartphone of 2019. There’s no comparison, really. Today’s versions have advanced so far that our smartphones have just about everything and more that we need to run our lives.

So, my intention with this 10th Anniversary Edition is to not only share these important research advances, but also to offer suggestions for helping yourself – something you can’t imagine needing to do right now – after all, it’s your loved one who has the problem! Right? Yet it will likely be these suggestions that will help you thrive, whether your loved one stops drinking or not or whether or not you continue your relationship with them, end it, or redefine it.

My latest book (Nov. 2019) is now available at book stores, libraries, and online retailers. Here’s the Amazon link  – other retailers are listed in the above right column of this blog.

This book is by no means exhaustive, and I’ve purposefully tried to keep it relatively short and simple – well, as simple as it can be when explaining the complex workings of the brain! I know, myself, that when I started looking for information, I was overwhelmed with trying to understand so many terms and concepts, such as: the differences between excessive drinking, alcohol abuse, and alcoholism; “co-occurring disorders” (having an alcohol use disorder and a mental health disorder); adult children of alcoholics; and codependency. I also wanted to know how to help the alcoholic stop drinking, how to talk to my children, and how to support the family in recovery. The list went on and on.

At the time, I just wanted something that could help me grasp the overall picture. And that’s what I’ve attempted to do in this 10th Anniversary Edition, because no matter how much you love someone whose drinking is affecting your life, nor how much they love you back, love will not and cannot make them stop. But the good news is that it’s possible for you to truly enjoy your life regardless. For today, I can honestly say I’ve never been happier, more fulfilled, and more at peace with myself.

It may not seem like it now, but I promise you things can and will change. I invite you to keep reading because life – your life – really can be better.